This week there was an article on BBC Radio Four’s “Woman’s
Hour” about female writers of erotic or pornographic (depending upon your
personal views) novels.
The programme referred back to an interview in the 1990s
with Erica Jong – author of “Fear of Flying” and “Any Woman’s Blues”.
She explained how she thought some women had seen female
sexual liberation as a panacea when, in her opinion, true liberty came from
enjoying your own company and developing a strong sense of self-esteem. She
talked in length about how some women involved themselves in sexually free
relationships, thinking that this was going to give them the release from
mundane middle ageism, only to find that such a desire for mind-blowing sex
became a bondage - not a freedom.
I would concur!
Actually, it’s not quite as simple as that, but for me
there’s definitely some truth in the need to like yourself, enjoy your own
company and make sure that it’s this, not an attachment to another human being,
that truly liberates and makes you feel free.
Having said that, there is also a huge amount of freedom
from being sexually liberated; the empowerment and enlightenment felt from this
can’t be underestimated.
The topic then concentrated on writing and in particular
the issue of women writing erotica.
The two guests on the programme, Louise Doughty and Nichi
Hodgson - both of whom write erotica –
had a very stimulating discussion about the merits of female writers of
erotica, about the failings of “50 Shades” and how much of the issue regarding
female sexual liberation was about economics. They suggested that the real
fantasy of “50 Shades” wasn’t the sexual excitement but more to do with the
fact that the lead character was obscenely rich!
That reminded me of a comment from Victoria Coren who once
wrote that the main attraction in Christian Grey from “50 Shades of Grey” was
that he allowed his partner to eat anything she wanted – and that was the real attraction.
Again, I would concur.
The economic issue is huge – one that is too huge and
requires a post of its own, as does the whole issue of finding yourself and
being comfortable with who you are.
For now, I want to concentrate on my personal experience
of writing and reading both erotic and pornographic stories.
As both Louise and Nichi said, there’s a considerable
amount of dross in this area. Some of the writing is over-laden with explicit
adverbs and graphic scenes that end up feeling functionary rather than fantasy
or arousing.
Essentially it all depends on your frame of mind. If you
are in a moment when you want to be sexually aroused or stimulated, you can be
so – even if the writing isn’t particularly good. I have strong memories of
lying in bed, listening to erotic writing being read to me, and feeling
completely overwhelmed by a desire to replicate what was being read.
Other times, when I’ve been alone and in need, yes need,
of an orgasm, I’ve deliberately chosen some pretty crass writing to get me in
the mood, ready for a dildo to help me on my way.
There have been other times it’s been the other way round
when I’ve read something that has aroused me and I’ve reached out for
assistance – either from the vibrator or the real thing – to bring me to an
orgasm.
The point is if you are inclined to be aroused by
reading, then it really doesn’t matter what you are reading as long as it
brings forth the desired effect. Personally, I’m aroused by erotic rather than
explicit graphic descriptions. This is probably because I love the feeling of
closeness and oneness in sexual liaisons more than the actual act of having sex. It’s
the feeling of togetherness in penetration more than the penetration itself
that does it for me.
When reading, I like a sense of mystery, of creativity –
of writing that allows you to bring in your personal experiences or imagine
situations that complement what you are reading. As one of the women on Woman’s hour said, the
possible difference between porn and erotica is the artistry – how sex is used
in writing. Is it used to power the story on (in her opinion, erotica) or is it
merely there for its own sake (porn)?
But where I really get turned on is when I am writing.
And it’s this that links directly to what Erica Jong was
saying about finding yourself and being happy with who you are as a person.
For when I’m writing about sex, about female sexuality
and sexual emancipation for women – that is
when I feel I am being really me. That is what I miss about being me when I’m
not writing.
For many years, I lay in a wilderness of sexual antipathy.
It wasn’t until I met someone who enabled me to feel sexually liberated that I
started to write about it. When that happened, I really do feel as though I
found my voice and thus found my self-esteem, my value and my worth.
The writing that I did may not have been the most
eloquent. I too was probably highly guilty of the overt and over-use of the
adverb. My literary illustrations of thrusting cocks oozing with wonder juice
and vaginas cascading with enthusiastic gushes were probably highly corny but
that didn’t matter. What mattered was how I
felt when I was writing. What also mattered is how my readers might feel
when they were reading it, and if they were turned on, then my own arousal was
increased.
And that is how it’s been with me. I write because it
empowers me. I write because it makes me feel alive – and those two statements
are true of all my writing, not just what I write in the world of sexuality.
However, because sex is so personal and so vital, the writing that I have done
on this blog has felt, possibly selfishly and self-indulgently, to be more
about me than anything else.
The reality is that being sexually active makes me more
willing and able to write about and talk about sex but in times of celibacy, my
voice is still there and I damn well ought to use it.
The irony is about freedom though. Writing about sex
frees me. It makes me feel liberated. It makes me feel ME. In order for me to
be truly me, I probably need and want sex as it’s because of my experiences of
sex that I’ve felt a need to convey a message to others who are either without
sex or enduring lackluster, tedious and uninspiring sex. Sex and, more
importantly, the feelings associated with having sex with someone that you
really adore being with, enable me to be me.
Now returning to Erica Jong, does that make me dependent
on another for my freedom and for my happiness? Or is it just a reality that it
takes two to tango?
I know I felt at my most liberated when I was writing frequently
about sex and for me, the stimulation to write came from being stimulated
sexually by another person. Therefore, is there that possibility that I am
actually reliant on another soul for my sexual liberty, and if that is the
case, how can it be true liberty?
The other reality is this. It’s the economy stoopid!
Those who are economically independent do have the freedom to be sexually
liberal and liberated. Without that economic freedom, can you ever really and
truthfully be free to be the sexual person that you know you are?
For me, I will try my hardest to get back to writing
about the important aspects of sex and female sexuality.
I started this blog many years ago. There’s still an
ostrich-like approach to sex and particularly towards female sexuality. There’s
still no absolute agreement about female ejaculation. There’s still feminists
who think that female sexual liberation means that you can’t possibly enjoy
watching pornography or who think that valuing your own body means that it
should be hidden with your sexuality suppressed and not flaunted. (I’m being a
little disingenuous and facetious here, of course).
But the simple message is that sexuality is about you,
and because of the nature of the glorious beast, it’s about someone else too,
but you can’t enjoy that someone else fully unless you are content with
yourself – and that contentment comes from economic liberty as well as a
confidence in your own self-worth.
To any reader of this post, please remember, these are my
initial thoughts on a subject that I may well return to. I mean to cause no
offence to anyone. I am merely clarifying my own thoughts in my own way, and
what I write here today might be different to my thinking in a month or a year’s
time.
Enjoy your sexuality today. I mean it. I’ll try and enjoy
my own.
