How to teach about Pornography

What the teacher can’t say about pornography but I can

Yesterday there was a report from the Children’s Commissioner about pornography. It said that pornography is everywhere, which is a slight exaggeration. However with the presence of the internet it is far easier to access pornography than it was even a decade ago.

Let’s not forget though that pornography has been around for years and the reason that it’s so financially viable, even these days with so much free access to it, is because many millions of people get some enjoyment from watching other people fuck.

Confession time: I love pornography and I miss pornography. As I’m currently in a state of enforced celibacy I’ve deliberately chosen not to do much trawling and traipsing through these internet sites. Why? – well, there are a few reasons for this.

Firstly, pornography turns me on. Normally, I love to watch other people enjoying sex, and I have loved doing some of the things that I’ve seen other people doing. However, when I can’t do that for myself, it can be a bit depressing to see other people enjoying themselves in a way that I’d quite like to be doing. I’m insane enough without adding to my stupidity and loss.

Secondly, whilst I frequently looked at pornography alone, I preferred being able to share it, even if the person with whom I was sharing it wasn’t in the same room, building or even town as me. Being able to send a link to another person(s) so that we could both independently and collectively enjoy a particular site gave me an immense amount of pleasure.

Thirdly, it reminds me of what I am missing. Sorry, but that’s the truth. I shall overcome…….cum, cum.

But what is it about pornography that gets people going, in more senses than one? Why are people so hung up on its damaging influence without acknowledging the positive aspects of pornography? If it’s so bloody awful and gruesome, why are so many very sane and perfectly normal people frequent visitors to sites? What is wrong with admitting to being a sexually excited and excitable person and that pornography can be a part of that excitement?

This report that has come out suggests that we talk to young people about pornography. I haven’t got a problem with that. I think we ought to but I think we ought to look at the entire notion of sex and relationship education in a completely different way before we get onto the specifics of pornography or any sexually related issue. I also think we ought to consider what our message about pornography is going to be before we make even more stupid mistakes in the alleged name of educating our young people about sex.

“Just say no”, “Don’t get pregnant” “Keep it in your trousers” are all messages that teenagers have heard for decades with no real variation in the basic message of “Don’t fuck”. We perpetuate the myth that sex is bad by using words like “dirty” or by hiding away from our own sexuality amongst other adults. We tell young people that sex is not for them when their own bodies and minds are already beyond the point of abstinence, instead of giving them the appropriate message that sex is such a bloody wonderful experience they should put off penetrative sex until their minds, bodies and souls are ready to embrace the enormity of its wonderment.

We subvert the joys of sex by not being able to talk about it freely and openly, whilst simultaneously and hypocritically using sex to sell products. Guess what, young people see through this. Why, they say, should we not have sex if it is such a good thing that you lot are more than happy to indulge in?

Why am I saying all of this? For one key reason – we can’t talk about pornography properly until we have reviewed our thoughts on relationship education altogether. If we continue with this “sex is dirty” mentality, then the natural progression is that pornography is the devil-incarnate of that dirtiness. However, if we are more honest about the importance of sexuality and the positive aspects of being sexual, then we can also look at pornography in a slightly different and more honest light – that many millions of people enjoy it and they do so for a very good reason. Sex is bloody good.

If I was a teacher, this is what I would like to be saying about sex and I would hazard a guess that this more honest approach to sex is what young people would like to talk about too.

Firstly, I would talk to you young people about respecting themselves and other people. I would spend time talking about relationships, about trust, honesty, openness – in platonic relationships before you get onto the nitty gritty of sex. This would be an on-going part of relationships education. I would give them different scenarios and ask them to consider how they would feel and how they would respond. I would also ask them to look at the mixed messages our society gives about sex, for example certain newspapers running stories about sexual depravities or condemning professionals for teaching sex education to five year olds whilst simultaneously selling their paper and their internet site by having beautiful buxoms adorning their front page, not page 3!

Then I would make sure that every young person knew of the range of sexually exciting things they could do before they indulged in the delights of penetrative sex. I’d tell them all about the wonderment of cunnilingus and fellatio - cunt kissing and blow jobs to the less informed. I’d explain the joy of simply lying next to another naked human being, enfolded into one another, possibly cupping cock or tits as an extremely arousing thing to do. I’d tell them that before they get anywhere near exploring other people’s bodies, they should know their own and that they should masturbate to see what happens to their bodies and what works for them. Therefore, by the time they get to be with other people, they will have a far greater understanding of what they like and what they don’t like. I’d strongly advocate the notion of young women knowing what their sexual parts look like and what happens when you hit the clitoris or rub it for yourself. I’d ask young women to consider inserting more than a tampon into their vagina so that they can feel what other people in the future would feel.

I know this may sound a little heavy but it’s far more honest than what we are doing now, and all of this is supposed to encourage young people to know themselves so that they don’t prematurely rush into something that they’re not ready for.

I’d talk about female ejaculation and orgasms and tell young people that they do exist. Our misogynistic approach to sexuality has to stop. We don’t pee boys, we ejaculate. If I could rule the sexual education world, I’d almost be inclined to say that you really shouldn’t have penetrative sex until you’ve experienced an orgasm for yourself – but that’s probably a bit too controversial.

And I would tell young people to wait, and wait, and wait some more until they can fully appreciate the brilliance of sex with another person, ensuring that they are ready physically and emotionally for the experience to be the best it can be. Throughout all of this, I would continue to reiterate the importance of respect, and I’d talk about how to maintain, finish and review relationships in a compassionate and considerate way.

So how does this all relate to pornography? Well, if you’ve had a sex-positive approach to relationship and sex education, then you can look at pornography in a far more enlightened and radical way. It’s not good to keep perpetuating the idea that pornography is dirty stuff that only revolting old men with dirty minds indulge in. It just isn’t like that.

This report that I mentioned at the start of this piece concludes that some young people are at risk from looking at pornography and that in some cases this can lead to deviant and abusive behaviour. But this is only one aspect of pornography. The other side of the coin is that it is incredibly enjoyable and a wonderful part of our sexuality.

Our young people are looking at pornography and I don’t think it’s fair on them to reprimand them for being inquisitive, especially when they’re getting all sorts of mixed messages from society, from schools and from their peers.

We should make it explicit in our sex and relationships education that pornography can be a source of much amusement and enjoyment as part of a loving and sexually positive relationship. At the same time, we should also let them know that there is exploitation in the business and that not all sexual experiences are exactly as they are seen on the internet. We should say to them that they may see some unusual activities and we should enable them to talk openly about things that they find uncomfortable but equally we should enable them to be open about things that excite them – if necessary challenging them on certain issues.

I’m not a sexual deviant. I’m an honest person who wishes she could be honest about her own sexuality and wishes that other people could be free to do the same – within reason. None of the subjects or content that I’ve mentioned here should be done without a full understanding of the needs of young people. A very clear idea of what young people know, what they want to know and how they feel about discussing such issues should always be carried out first, and a view on safe-guarding and child protection should always be at the forefront of the minds of those facilitating and enabling such discussions.

But please, please, please consider how honest we are being about sexuality. Please consider whether we really want another generation of people who don’t know how to handle relationships honestly and considerately. Please let’s not have another generation of people who shy away from their sexuality, ashamed by their alleged vulgarity when the reality is that they are only wanting to do what is natural, and please let’s have a little rethink about the truth about pornography before we all rush into schools saying that porn is a sin and the devil will be awaiting if you click the bad button on your computer.

I Want My Daughter to Sleep with her Partner

I'm lying in bed naked with a seriously small vibrator, unable to pleasure myself for three reasons.

1. I'm bored of the miniscule size of the equipment that reminds me of the inadequacy of a three-minute shag with wee blokes whose own equipment (and imagination) was sadly lacking.

2. There's something wrong down below. One of the damnable ironies of life is that a tingling sensation of an unknown infection is a little similar to the onset of an orgasm from a vigorous finger fuck.

3. My daughter is lying a flimsy wall away from me, presumably pleasuring her partner whilst I turn an insipid shade of green that she might have a warm body next to her all night whilst I lie here, legs straddled awaiting nothing but a soothing gush of cold air.

The good news is that if I do succumb to the little plastic performer, it won't take too long to tickle the tingle into a more pleasurable sensation, and yes, I do conduct an extremely hygienic clean-up operation.

They're giggling now, which is always joyous to hear. Soon, they will go through the noisy rigmarole of closing doors and opening others, to convince me that one of them is transferring to another room for the night. I really hope they don't go through with it. I really hope that they have been comforted enough by my own unsubtle door closure and exaggerated switching off of the lights, to remain in the same room and spend the night together.

That said, gawd help me if I want a glass of water or a trip to the loo in the next hour - another reason for not pleasuring my pussy.

I want them to sleep together. There are many reasons I want them to do this, number one being the immensely, warm and wonderful feeling of waking up either in the arms of a loved one or lying next to them knowing that they want to be next to you, ready to take you at their moment of wakening.

But on a purely practical level, I want them to sleep together to prevent her getting pregnant, and whilst that may sound bizarre, there is reason rather than deluded madness behind such a statement which I shall explain shortly.

Okay, there's a slight confession to be had here. It's not very likely that she's going to get pregnant. She's been taking contraception tablets for a few months now, ever since I noticed a look in her eye, and a maturity in her tone when talking about her boyfriend, that suggested to me her virginal days were about to be consigned to the past. This boyfriend and this relationship feels different - to her and to me. The soppy, awkwardness of teenage droopy-eyed ‘lurve’ is gone. I'm not saying he is THE one; forever and a day until their last breath leaves their withered body decades from now (please no!) but he could be THE one to bring her further into the bewildering brilliance of being a woman.

Just hopefully not tonight. I'd much prefer her first penetrative sexual experience to be in slightly more intimate surroundings, without the nervousness of a potential and accidental visit from a sibling - walking in on her mid flow, or without a need to curb her cries of delight so as not to offend her seemingly celibate mother.

I want my daughter to be able to scream out in ecstasy as she reaches her first penetrative climax. I want her to be enraptured and vocal when seeing her boyfriend spunk for the first time, assuming, of course, this hasn't already happened. I want her to be able to freely walk round the room and house, stark naked after sex; celebrating her liberation into womanhood.

I want her to experience all of this because she's ready for it in mind, body and soul. On reflection, had I waited and learned a little more about what I was actually doing, if I had been clear as to what I wanted, if I'd known my own body more intimately, then my first penetrative sexual experience might not have been so tragic. Furthermore, had I known how brilliant sex could be from the outset, I wouldn't have put up with huge bouts of mediocrity in my sexual life, and had I not had to wait for the real thing of complete freedom and intimacy to do absolutely anything I and a lover wanted with one another's bodies, then I might not miss it quite as much as I do.

The best things do come to those who wait, and mature sex is gratifying in a way that the spring-like urgency of youthful liaisons can't quite manage. However, l don't want my daughter to wait as long as I did for consistently wonderful sex, to the point where its loss is so painfully mourned.

So why do I think that sleeping with her boyfriend might prevent pregnancy, and let's assume she's not using any method of contraception. Whilst we're at it, let's pretend she's not my daughter. Let's imagine that she's like many, many teenagers who don't have either sexually enlightened parents or the confidence and solidity of a relationship with their parent to talk openly and comfortably about sex.

In fact, let's imagine she's a teenager who has only really found out about sex from discussions with peers, a couple of reads through "Cosmopolitan" and a secretive visit to a porn site that she could only bear to watch for the briefest of moments for fear of her internet history being tracked by her mother (who finds such sites abhorrent and abusive). Let's also assume she's had an average sex and relationships education, or let's be even more realistic and assume that she's had the sort of sex and relationships education that most kids in this country have had - the highlight of which was learning how to condom a courgette.

Let’s also assume that like many teenager over the age of consent, she has natural sexual desires.

The urge to have sex is instinctive. Desire can also instinctive to some extent but it is more to do with intuition – a feeling and a recognition and understanding of what makes you tick. Put the natural urge to fuck, together with the reasoned and rational need to respond to the mind’s desire, and that’s a force to be reckoned with. If you add to this unnatural restraints placed upon young people by parents who are understandably trying to protect them from having penetrative sex, then you are potentially forcing them into unsafe situations.

We have to acknowledge that young people have these urges and that they are so strong that they could lead a young person to defy their parents. If they can’t have sex with their parent’s permission, then that doesn’t mean that they’re not going to have sex. It just means that they might do it in a fit of passion, or with coercion, without the calm and careful use of contraception, in environments that might not be conducive to the real world of sexual wonderment. Without a proper sex and relationships education that realistically explains the joy of sex, and offers real and viable alternatives to penetrative sex, they’re going to rush into a fuck without the delightful exploration of their own sexuality and their own preferences beforehand.

I really don’t want that for my daughter. I don’t want it for anyone’s daughter or anyone’s son. I want them to experience the truly rewarding and life-enhancing brilliance of sexual empowerment and enlightenment. I want them to delay having penetrative sex for as long as possible. I want them to know their own bodies first.  I want them to explore one another’s body before penetrative sex too. I want them to be very clear in their minds that they have thought of all the connotations of having sex before they fall into an instinctive reaction to attraction.

That’s why I want my daughter to sleep with her boyfriend. I don’t want her first experience of sex to be a quick bang whilst I pop out to the shops with her siblings. I don’t want her first experience of penetrative sex to be in a field in the middle of nowhere just because this is the only place that they can get some privacy (though I do want her to experience this urgent sex eventually because al fresco is gorgeously stimulating in the right conditions). I don’t want my daughter to rush into penetrative sex without having experienced mutual masturbation or kissing in those special places that we seem unable to acknowledge in sex and relationships lessons, and I don’t want her to think that she has to have sex in exactly the same way that she might have seen on porn sites.

I honestly think that allowing her to sleep with her partner prevents unsafe situations for sex and unsafe, unprotected sex. It also has the added advantage of, when the time is right, enabling her first penetrative sexual experience to be something that she can treasure for a life time, with a proper build-up and a full understanding of one another’s bodies.

I would like all sex and relationships education teachers to really consider the whole notion of being sex positive. Young people probably laugh in their faces when teachers stick to a curriculum of factual information, denying the joy of sex and advocating a “just say no” policy of abstinence. Young people aren’t that stupid. They know that sex is good because if it wasn’t then why is our society so full of the stuff? Why are comedians seemingly obsessed with sexual stories? Why are advertisers all too willing to use sex to sell their goods? Why are newspapers and other media outlets smothered with stories about sex?

It’s an integral part of life and the sooner we all accept this, the better for ourselves and our youngsters. We need to be honest with our young people and we owe them the opportunity to experience sex in the best way possible.

For my children, I don’t want them to have the sexual start that I did. I want them to have a healthy respect for sex, and a healthy respect for the sexuality of their chosen partners as well as a full understanding of their own sexuality. I want adults to stop being so bloody hypocritical, and remember what they were doing at the same age before they start lecturing their children about sex. I want parents to remember their own experiences of early sex, and if they were good experiences, accept that their children are ready for it too and make sure that they are given the best start in their sexual lives, and if it was bad, then do everything you can to prevent that from happening to your most cherished beings.

Finally, apologies for writing so much but as you can see, I’m quite passionate about the subject. 

How was it for you?

Don’t make me feel embarrassed to talk about sex!

This is the slogan for a sex positive petition that Brook are currently running to try and get quality Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) into schools throughout the country.

http://dontmakeusembarrassed.tumblr.com/

There is also a petition that can be signed, again to help the cause in getting young people the access to quality learning and teaching in this area that they deserve.

http://www.brook.org.uk/sex-positive

So who will sign? Or are we even so terrified of the subject that we cannot even put our name to a cause such as this? Have we become totally intolerant of sex, and totally incapable of holding our hands up to say, “Yes, I like sex. I want sex. I want to talk about sex” whilst at the same time allowing sexually inappropriate messages to convey themselves to children and young people through television, music and appalling clothing for kids.

I don’t know about you but my sex education was crap.

It was crap in school and it was crap through my first experience of penetrative sex. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, even though I was doing it with a relatively experienced bloke.

I had no idea what a clitoris was let alone where it was. I only knew that somehow and at some time, he was going to stick is dick into my vagina, and it might hurt.

It has taken me years to recover from both experiences. In fact, it is still taking me time to recover from it. Nowadays, whilst I am at least more confident to talk about sex, having experienced the very best sex that one could have, I am still lacking in confidence to be as sexual as I sometimes feel, and I still get embarrassed to ask for sex. I still don’t like doing that, however much my mind, body and soul are crying out for it.

And then I get cross with myself for being such a demanding dimwit.

But I do hope I am no longer embarrassed to talk about sex and will happily do so with anyone who wants to listen.

Sex is vital.

End of.

And we need to get it right NOW before another generation of people are misinformed about the brilliance of it all - unable to be liberated by sex and unable to make wise choices and decisions about sex.

We need to talk about sex now, and we need to do it in a way that ensures young people do not diddle around before they understand what they are doing. We need young people to know that sex is so bloody wonderful there is no point in ‘doing it’ just for the sake of it. There is every point in delaying until they fully appreciate every facet of its wonderment.

So what was your experience of sex education?

The lessons on sex in school occurred about a year after my first period – wonderfully age-appropriate then!

A large reel film was placed in a blackened room where every person passing by knew exactly what we were watching because it was timetabled for the same week each year with the same year group. The boys wandered up and down trying to get a glimpse of what we were watching and for some bizarre reason, this session was delivered by our PE teachers.

I can remember the stifled giggling, and the heads turned away when the baby was popping its head out. I remember the cartoons and the photos of sanitary towels and tampons. I have a vague recollection of the teacher telling us that tampons might be rather difficult to use until the hymen was broken (for fuck’s sake) whilst simultaneously telling us that any girl with their hymen intact was clearly a virgin.

I begged to ask the question whether sticking a Tampax up your fanny therefore made you sexually active but I never had the nerve.

Of course, afterwards it was clear that good girls used sanitary towels whilst the local slappers were all practiced in tampon insertion.

I mean, can you believe this?

The sad thing is that I am not sure that it has changed that much since I was at school.

The other thing that I remember was that either the teacher or the film told us that it was probably better not to go to the toilet too often when we were on a period, or perhaps I have just made that up for I am still sitting here thirty odd years on trying to understand why on earth this advice would have been given.

Like most children and young people, I got to know about sex through conversations with friends and peers. And nobody ever talked to me about delaying sexual activity or what it actually entailed other than penetrative sex. Nobody ever told me about masturbation, and even when I was regularly getting myself off with the corner of a cushion, still I didn’t realise that I was wanking.

I didn’t even know what rape was until I was eighteen, so I wouldn’t have known whether someone was touching me inappropriately other than my common sense. I remember distinctly a couple of boys at school grabbing my arse one day whilst I was on my period, and laughing at the fact that I had a sanitary towel on. I cannot believe that I did not report them for their gross invasion on my privacy. I never did because there was no way that I could talk about it to anyone, and so they got away with it.

I was lucky. It went no further. But I was not and am not the only ill-informed young woman who has endured inappropriate touches and it breaks my heart to think that there are still young people out there who do not understand what is happening to them because we are all still too embarrassed to talk about sex.

But those are the negatives.

What we really should be doing is talking about the positives.

I wish someone had told me what it could be like, so that when I had sex for the first time I would have known that it wasn’t just in my imagination. It really was crap.

I do feel that it is paramount that those who have experienced sex as it should be have a duty to tell the world. If they keep their mouths shut then children, young people and adults are never going to understand or appreciate what they could be getting, could be experiencing.

If you have had decent sex, you should be screaming out about it.

No sex at all is bad. Mediocre sex is probably even worse, especially once you have experienced the best that sex can offer.

Having decent sex is fine but if you have the opportunity for the best sex, then perhaps that is what you should be aiming for, but if you do not know about it because the likes of me have not explained what proper, wonderful sex entails, then how are you ever going to know what you are aiming for?

Magazines like Cosmopolitan have been blamed in the past for providing a distorted view of sex. Critics have said that if you read magazines such as these, it gives the impression that everyone is going at it like bunnies, having the most mind-blowing orgasmic sex and that if you were not having such a brilliant experience then there must be something wrong with you or your relationship.

There was a time when I agreed with the critics. Surely this could not be happening? Surely it was normal to only have sex once a month, if that, once you were in an established relationship. Surely it was normal for the bloke to hump himself into you and cum after four or five quick shoves. Surely it was normal for a woman to just lie there and satisfy her partner without ever worrying about having an orgasm for herself? Well that was what the pillow was for when he took a shower post-coital.

And then I woke up. I then I got it. And then I found Satori.

No wonder I still crave it.

I accept that a large majority of people do not have the type of brilliant sex as outlined in such magazines but that does not mean to say that we should all keep quiet so that the uninitiated feel better. Nobody should suffer mediocre sex. Nobody. I would even go as far as to say it is a right of all to really experience wonderful sex at least once in their lives.

For those of us who have, we need to keep on telling people what they can have. We need to carry on having wonderful sex and we need to make sure that the world knows about it.

As far as young people are concerned, they need to know how brilliant it is too so that they can know what to expect. But it is also important that they know there is no point in starting too soon.

The best sex is a combination of heart, mind and soul.

That is what they should be aspiring too and that is what we should be telling them is possible.

And now – I have guests just arriving. So I will stop talking about sex because that is not on!

Oh when will I be free to be me?