A Happy Ending

A Happy Ending

“So what now?” asks Eleanor much later.

“I don’t know” said Greg. “I really don’t know”.

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Who wants a happy ending? Is one person’s happy ending the same as what other people would want? Are people prepared to compromise without having to compromise being themselves? If one person compromises, will that really ensure a happy ending?

Greg wants one thing, his wife another. Sophia isn’t sure what she wants but it certainly seems to be different from what her two lovers want. Have they all got the wrong ending in order to ensure that they live contented and fulfilled lives? Can they really live in a vacuum that is so far removed from the so-called normalities of societal existence and the expectations of relationships?

In such situations, something has to give. In this situation, they all want something slightly different. So do they all have to compromise? That would possibly be the fair thing to do but in doing so, would any one of them be content?

There are hundreds of options for our characters now. They could live quite happily together in this ménage a trios if each of them realised a few home truths; that even though one of them loves one  other more than they love the other one, they could simply be honest and acknowledge this and work together in perpetual openness to ensure that they do not hurt one another. They could have a total honesty so that when one of them felt that they were seized and strangled by destructive emotions, they could explain their problem without fear of alienation, resentment or misunderstanding. In fact, they could be acknowledging that each of their shadows is there, that the shadows are not wrong, that every dark side in every human being has some validity, however irrational it may appear to the other people involved. Respecting light and dark and showing a little bit of empathy is somewhat vital in such situations.

They could choose also to keep everything secret. Greg could state that he does not want to have sex with Sophia any longer but secretly maintain their relationship. Eleanor could do the very same. But secrets have a nasty habit of being discovered, as many of us know to our cost. And whilst little lies are often made for the alleged benefit of protecting a loved one, it is no real love to do this. No relationship can be enduring once even an ounce of dishonesty is introduced.

They could choose to fluctuate, understanding that even though they all feel resolute in their current passion, they accept that this might not always be the case; that Greg loves Eleanor more than he loves Sophia might be true now but it might not always be the case, although his love for Eleanor will never fade completely.

Or they could choose total separation; each of them realising that this is an impossible situation and there is no alternative other than to walk away for the sake of all their sanity.

But which one will they choose? Will they be able to work this out together in honesty? Have they really been honest with themselves as well as one another, trying to identify precisely what it is that they want?

Here are some possible ‘happy’ endings. Oh how I have come to hate that word as much as others hate the word ‘love’. What exactly does it mean to be happy? Isn’t this as trite as defining the word love. Happy is a high and we cannot all live on a constant high however much we think that this is the pinnacle of existence.

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Greg’s Solution

Eleanor looked across at him.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” she asked somewhat tentatively.

“That was wonderful!” he said, “truly wonderful. Here I am with the two most beautiful women I have ever met in my life, loving them both, desiring them both, and still that is not enough”.

“But why is it not enough?” asked Eleanor, looking towards her beautiful lover who was clearly dropping into despondency at the rejection she felt was imminent.

“I don’t know” said Greg. “I just cannot explain it. Everything rational in my mind suggests that I should be the most content man in existence and yet, I feel bereft”.

Greg continued to explain as best he could as to how he was feeling, and what he was thinking.

“Do you both want honesty? This is all I can give, whilst recognising that this is the honesty of this moment and this moment alone. I have just made love to the two most precious people in my life.
I adore Sophia’s sexuality. I love her rawness and instinctual passion for life. I love her passion for me for I am an egotistical being. I love the newness of this relationship. I love the feeling of composure that I get when I am with her without any other complications in life. And yet, I love Eleanor more. Eleanor is my constant companion; the person that I have chosen to spend my life with, and I still want to do that, I still feel an intense connection with her that no amount of passionate and fulfilled sex can provide. Is that daft? Is that stupid? It is not that I cannot have sex with her, it is just that I haven’t had it like that and yet, even without this, I want her more”

Greg explained that he felt excruciating jealousy at the thought of his wife being intimate with another person, and was appalled that he felt even worse about this because she had chosen to have sex with another woman. It was as though he didn’t know her. Today had been the first time that she had performed fellatio on him and yet within weeks of meeting this woman she was perfectly happy and prepared to muscle her tongue into her cunt, onto her clitoris as though she was born to do just that. He couldn’t get his head round the idea that this woman who he thought he knew was a completely different sexual human being.

But he could overcome this. What he felt he was not going to be able to overcome was his wife’s increasing intimacy of a different nature with this woman. He was jumbled up inside with irrationality and fear. The fact that he could totally understand why this other woman was so absorbing merely added to the intrigue of why he could not accept things as they were.

“So what do you want?” said Sophia, fearing the worst. “What do you really want? Can you possibly answer this right now? Maybe you ought to stop yourself from making any further proclamations until we have spent a few weeks together thinking this through and living with new feelings that might ensue?”

“You are right, as ever my love” responded Greg. “We need some breathing space. We need to see how we feel in a couple of weeks or months. In the meantime, I suggest that we all live together in this unusual threesome of ours and see what happens, see how we feel, and hopefully we won’t come to blows too often when the trio of green-eyed monsters are all battling hopelessly with one another”.

So Greg suggested that they all live as they were, obviously with the change being that he now knew about the sexual intimacy between his wife and his lover. He would continue to spend some days making love with Sophia, as would Eleanor. Perhaps they could agree to have a night or two each with this woman whilst also embracing this new sexuality of Eleanor’s into their relationship.

And if they felt comfortable with it, perhaps they could all spend one night a week together, fucking the essence in and out of one another.

The women agreed with this as an interim possibility so they kissed one another, made their breakfast and prepared themselves for this new way of life.

But Greg was going to have to do some compromising. He was going to have to control his anger and frustration when his wife chose to spend time with Sophia rather than him, and he really was not convinced that he could do this for much longer than a few months, and if this meant that he too had to give Sophia up, then he would have to do that, but.......... he didn’t want to.

What was he going to do? What was the most important thing for him? Could he really do this?

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Eleaonor’s Solution

Eleanor looked across at him.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” she asked somewhat tentatively.

“That was wonderful!” he said, “truly wonderful. Here I am with the two most beautiful women I have ever met in my life, loving them both, desiring them both, and still that is not enough”.

She looked towards the open window and followed her eyes towards the freedom of the city. Paris was full of life. Paris represented her new life; a liberty that she could never have known and certainly could not have expressed in her home town of Chicago.

She loved a woman. How brilliant was that! She loved a woman who had opened up a barren part of her being. She wandered into Sophia’s bedroom, leaving her adorable ones alone in silence on the sofa. She walked towards the mirror and stared at her face, hoping that her image would tell her what to do.

She carefully unwrapped the silk gown, slipping the belt down to reveal the central part of her body. She released the cover and flopped it gently to the ground. Her arms by her side, she had a good look at her naked body for the first time in her life. Lifting her arm, she caressed her face, stroked her neck and followed her fingers as they cupped her empty breasts. She moved her hand over her nipples, flat palms going over and over this unknown part of her body. She slid her other arm around her waist and felt the curvature of her newly awoken body. Her natural inclination drew her towards the triangular perfection of her pubic hair and she reached down to feel the protruding button of her newly discovered clitoris.

This is who she was, a sexual woman, found for the first time, not by the man who she thought would be the only person to ever touch her this way, but by a woman; a woman of such profound understanding of life that she has seen the complete potential of this hidden womanhood within her. And here she was, not only loving a woman but also loving herself and her sexuality.

She looked on as she reached inside herself and felt the reminders of love-making within her body; his spunk, her expert fingers still tickling her imagination.

He was right. It wasn’t enough. What were they going to do?

Eleanor returned to the sitting room where Greg and Sophia were still sitting in absolute silence.

“I love you both”, she said. “I love you both. But I have just discovered that I love me too!”

They both looked up as she continued to explain where she was.

“ Sophia has awoken me. Greg brought me here to be awakened but I don’t think he had any idea that this is how it would happen. There must have been something wrong with me, with us that I felt so inhibited in showing myself to you, Greg. Why was it that I could make love to Sophia with complete abandon yet have to darken myself from you?
I love being touched by a woman and right now if I was forced to choose, there would be an easy response from me. I would choose Sophia - but of course, there would be such futility in that because Sophia doesn’t want me, she wants you” she added without malice.

“So you are right Greg. I have no idea where we go from here. Perhaps we ought to be sensible and not make a decision immediately. Perhaps we ought to see what happens naturally and not make any rash moves that we could all regret in a couple of months time”.

Sophia looked at Greg who was thinking, possibly along similar lines. Perhaps they ought to try something different.

“So what are you suggesting then Ellie?” he asked.

“I want to be with Sophia but I do not want to hurt you. What I would like to do is spend most of my time, my nights with Sophia. You can make love to her all day every day as long as I could spend the majority of my nights with her. This is what I want. Whether I can have it is dependent upon the pair of you, but I am being honest in what I want, however hard that may be.”

Greg looked at his wife. He supposed that he had been responsible for this. He was the one who had first moved out of the fidelity of their marriage. He could not deny that. He had caused the changes that were upon them to some extent now. Eleanor looked at him and knew that this was the case.

“And this is your long term desire?” said Greg.

“What is a long term desire Greg?” said his wife. “Right now, what is the point in desiring anything other than what we see and feel immediately? I have no idea what I want for the future. I have no idea, and yes, I am a little frightened by that. You seem to know what you want yet cannot necessarily give up the life that you have chosen in order to have the life that you think you want. I know that I want both of you permanently in my life but I really do not have any idea how this is going to happen.”

“You have my immediate solution, and it is up to you both to decide whether than is feasible”.

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Sophia’s Solution

Eleanor looked across at him.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” she asked somewhat tentatively.

“That was wonderful!” he said, “truly wonderful. Here I am with the two most beautiful women I have ever met in my life, loving them both, desiring them both, and still that is not enough”.

And ever the polyamorous one, if she was honest, neither of these two was enough for her. However much she loved Greg, and she really genuinely adored him, she was who she was, and she could not possibly give up her other lover’s even if he asked her to do so.

But then again, could she? Was the love of this man, was the intimacy with this man that she felt so absolutely convinced about enough of a stimulus in her life to give up her polyamorous ways? Possibly. The greatest love etcetera? Giving to receive? It may not be that bad, especially if there was a third way, especially if he would allow her to love Eleanor from time to time too. But of course, none of this was possible because he, her adorable man loved another more than he loved her.

It was hopeless and it looked as there was no possible outcome to their situation.

What could she do?

“I’ve made a decision” she suddenly announced. “I love Greg in a way that I have not experienced before. I love him with a passion that hurts far more than the ephemeral instance of being ‘in love’. That ‘in love’ is a sickness, awash with all sorts of emotions that cannot be controlled. It is a passing phase. It is a dependency and a sham. But this is not how I feel about Greg. My love for him is far deeper; it is enduring and it is unconditional. That is a choice that I have made through prolonged thinking on the matter. It is totally different from being in love and therefore is potentially more damaging to me. I know he loves you Eleanor, but he does love me too. However, I cannot love him and you cannot love me in the same way that you love one another.

Honestly Eleanor, you are a little in love with me rather than loving me the way Greg loves you. And actually, if I am honest perhaps I am more in love with Greg than this complete intimacy that I talk of. So as far as I am concerned, there is only one alternative here.

You two need to be together. I am not going to desert either of you but I am going to release you to develop the sort of relationship that you should always have had; a complete being sexually, spirituall, emotionally, full of wonderment at one another whilst discovering your true selves within and without one another. This is the greatest love I can give.”

They both looked at her with horror and bewilderment.

“What on earth are you saying?” they said simultaneously.

“I’m saying that I have my own life and that you have yours. I can be part of it and I am looking forward to some times in the very near future where we can all enjoy one another in friendship and in sex in the future, but you two need to discover your rediscovered selves together, and therefore I need to take a step back to enable you to do that. If you both discover that you are not as compatible as you once thought, then we can reassess the situation, but for now, your relationship is the most important. You have both changed enormously since being in Paris and you need to decide what you want”.

“So no more cunnilingus?” said Eleanor in horror as well as a mock.

“No, and no more fellatio either, not for now – just a friendship that I know will endure. You are the most important people in my life and I now need to leave you be for a while”

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But these are only three outcomes. There are many more, and what did happen next as they worked things out? Did they follow Greg’s idea or Eleanor’s? Could they really let Sophia do this?

What would you do?
What would you really want if you found yourself in such a situation?

I’ve given up on thinking as no amount of thought provides any sort of solution.

TO BE CONTINUED

Marriage Vows. Polyamory Rules

Do you take this woman/man to be your lawful wedded husband/wife? Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honour and keep him/her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live.

Or

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my friend, my lover, the (mother/father) of my children and my (husband/wife). I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

Or

“In the future, happy occasions will come as surely as the morning. 
Difficult times will come as surely as the night. 
When things go joyously, meditate according to the Buddhist tradition. 
When things go badly, meditate. 
Meditation in the manner of the Compassionate Buddha will guide your life. 
To say the words ‘love and compassion’ is easy.
But to accept that love and compassion are built upon patience
and perseverance is not easy.”

It’s a no brainer really. The Buddhists win every time.

How enlightening! No mention of eternity or faithfulness or coupledom or anything else that could feel as though you are signing your life away, signing yourself away.

And what of those statements of intent above? The last one could equally apply to a significant partnership of intimacy as much as a marriage.

There is the old joke about marriages and life sentences and that you could get less of a stretch inside etc. But let us look at this a little more carefully.
What people sign up to with these types of vows is utterly unworkable. It is bordering on, no it is, in direct contradiction to the charter of Human Rights. No person could sign up to conditional coupledom if they really and truly thought about the words that they are saying and the shackles of such a contract. And yet, if you drive around the country today, you will see many people in churches, registry offices, castles, country homes and hotels doing precisely that.
I suspect that a mere 0.0001% are using the Buddhist version.

So why do we do it? And why, even in a polyamorous situation, do people feel the need for a contractual agreement?

In some ways, I can understand the polyamory contract more readily because it is possible that more management of the situations is required, and as promised, I will shortly look at the list in greater detail. However, in reality, the only thing that is going to make any relationship work is compassionate appreciation for one another, one another’s needs, oneself and recognising the value of the relationship in the first place.

It is sad that we need a contract for this. It is appalling that the contract is such a bind when clearly there are aspects of it that are inhumane. Just how long do we have to suffer with indifference, changes in feelings, faithfulness if we evolve emotionally, spiritually and everything else from the moment we took the vows? Just how long do we have to keep pretending that this life-sentence of a contract is viable?

Perhaps it is, when you are 73!

So, back to polyamory.
As regular readers will know, I have been having a few issues with this during the last couple of weeks. My lover told me that he had met some other women, that he was attracted to them and ultimately that he had slept with them. I reacted very badly, very emotionally and have been stressing about it ever since.

Since this has happened, we have not made love, we have not had an opportunity in our busy lives to spend any real quality time together but I am sure that will happen shortly. Since this has happened, I have reacted badly and I am most concerned about the long-term effect it is going to have on our relationship.

I hold my hand up readily to state that my reaction has caused more of an issue in our relationship than the fact that he slept with other women. However, once my feelings have been shared, once I have tried to state that I am working on the whole polyamory thing, once I have tried to say that I am perfectly willing to accept that I do not have any right to prevent him acting instinctively and passionately with other people, once all that has happened, there still has to be management, empathy, concern on both our parts to ensure that the very thing that I was, and he was, most afraid of would not happen, i.e. an irreparable breakdown in our relationship.

The damage is done. I overreacted but it does not have to stop there. The Zen thing is to reflect, consider what is wanted, move on and continue to serve on another as well as oneself, ensuring that neither the relationship nor the individual needs of those within is lost, is neglected, is left.

That is entirely different from being stuck in a marriage situation with vows that shackle.
The development of this sort of relationship is a choice. And I return once more to the Buddhist statement above. It really is quite a spectacular thing, and surely one that people can live with if they are committed to the love and relationship with an exceptionally important person.

So back to the polyamorists from, I assume the USA, and their contract.

I want to make it crystal clear that such a contract, for me, is quite abhorrent. I don’t like living to the rules. Over the last decade, I haven’t done so.

Writing things down do not make them happen. Laws are broken, rules are broken. Having them written down or recited for some people is tantamount to inviting their rebellion.
However, in issues as complicated as multiple partners, then maybe there should, at the very least be significant and honest discussion with your partners, reflection away from partners or lovers on your own and a coming together with a workable and mutually agreed format (even if unwritten), taking into consideration that nothing should stagnate and rules, regulations, responsibilities and relationships can change and should change. “To accept that love and compassion are built upon patience and perseverance is not easy”.

Oh and a quick note to my lover; I can do this, if you will just let me try. I can do this if you just lose your negativity towards me, forgive me and remember who I am and what the entire Zenpuss journey, for both of us, is all about.

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In some ways, I quite admire the mad folks from Utah or wherever they may be living. They have a point. So now let us proceed to see where the sublime and the ridiculous fall within these numbered points.

1.       Affirm a primary relationship. All other relationships will be no more than secondary in priority, regardless of the level of love, lust and infatuation involved.

This works for some people. For others, polyamory is not about hierarchy at all. Some might even argue that true polyamory cannot possibly have degrees of intimacy and love and that it is about equality. However, there has to be recognition that you probably have a deeper connection with some people than others but that being said, it does not take anything away from the value and importance of the relationship with others.

If I am honest, I do want to be the primary ‘partner’. Maybe I am so indoctrinated into the western philosophy of coupledom that this is the last barrier that I have to push down. However, now on the 17^th June 2011, that is how I feel. Maybe on the 31^st October, I may well feel differently. For now, though, it is how it is. And I can see some validity in this first statement.

2.       The primary partner will have first claim on the other partner’s time, energy and attention.

This is only manageable if the partner feels inclined towards their alleged primary partner. I suspect that the partner shouldn’t be able to claim time, energy and attention if it does not comply with the other partner’s needs at the time. That is difficult to accept but once more has to be managed. However, if there is one relationship that is currently more committed than the others, then perhaps that fact ought to be respected.

3.       The primary partner’s feelings about the situation takes priority – if one of us thinks something is wrong, something is wrong.

This goes both ways. The wrongness could be coming from both sides. What one person thinks is wrong, another may well think is fine but the basic premise of one person thinking something is wrong and therefore it is, unless of course you happen to have partnered up with a mad person with an overworked and vivid imagination!

4.       Communication is important – we promise to bring up and discuss reasonably and rationally any feelings of insecurity, abandonment, loneliness, unfairness as soon as we can articulate them.

Communication is important in any relationship. It is the keystone. If you cannot talk about such things without fear of misunderstanding, then the relationship is probably not worth it. Communication is vital but so too is the “reasonable and rational”. In order to do that one has to commit to a certain level of non-attachment, and that is hard when emotions, destructive or otherwise, are involved.

5.       We will not ridicule the partner’s feelings

And I would go further than that. You do not ridicule but you also try and empathise, even when it is contradictory to anything you have ever believed or experienced before. Empathy on both sides is as vital as communication.

6.       We will agree to put forward constructive suggestions before paranoia or accusations.

From one who has had a life-time of suffering paranoia, this made me giggle. Once more, taking a valuable objective view of any situation has to help in moving on.

7.       We agree to change our behaviour when necessary to make the other partner feel valued and loved

This one is a tricky one. Take my own situation. How far do I expect him to modify to accommodate what, in reality, are irrational concerns of mine? However, having said that we can support one another through the things that sometimes appear mutually exclusive. Once a partner feels unvalued and unloved it is up to both involved to try and make that change. An initial outburst of irrational behaviour is exacerbated if the partner cannot bring themselves to empathise but that does not mean they have to change their behaviour in the initial trigger of the situation. I could not and would not demand a change in behaviour to the point that I would expect the unexpectable. I assume that my lover would not do so either.

8.       It is the responsibility of the lover who is hurt to bring “it” up. It is the responsibility of the others involved to listen.

Bring it up, listen, work together and then move on. If you don’t move on, the issue hovers as an elephant in the room. Moving on means that there may well be a need for reassurance in the short term. Reliance on that in the longer term isn’t viable.

9.       We affirm that non-primary partners are not therapists to complain about the primary partner to.

A good point but then again, there are times when I wish that my partner did have someone to talk about in relation to the complexities of our relationship. So do I. I have nobody at all in my life, other than my lover, who could possibly understand – that in itself could be a problem but could also be embraced as the very thing that sets our relationship aside from others. That said, you shouldn’t really discuss the negativity of another with an additional partner but once more providing factual and non-attached information in order to get views from another is probably acceptable.

10.   Any anger venting should be done with non-sexual friends.

Another good point; the main point being that perhaps talking and discussion about a relationship outside of that relationship is sometimes a sensible thing to do. However, anger venting should really be done with the partner and nobody else, otherwise you are setting up barriers for your partner to get on with your non-sexual friends in the future.

11.   Non-primary lovers should not act as a go-between or messenger, should not be used as a weapon between primary partners or put in the middle of a primary partner argument.

No. Been there, done that, got the book and the certificate and it was a bloody awful experience.

Fuck me, I’d almost forgotten how awful that was. My goodness, we really have lurched from crisis to crisis at certain points in our relationship.

12.   We promise to be honest about our feelings at all times.

TINA! Only there comes a point when the honesty becomes tedious to the point of destruction. There also needs to be a recognition that sometimes we just want to stop talking and bothering about issues and get on with enjoying one another’s company. That is exactly how I feel today.

13.   We will never dismiss a feeling on the basis of irrationality.

Is this feasible? Shouldn’t irrationality be dismissed by its very nature? Intuition? Can that also be irrational – of course it can. I think the point here is that whilst irrationality is daft, sometimes it cannot be dismissed as unimportant. Sometimes one has to embrace the irrationality as the dark side of a person or a situation, and work with it to ensure that the irrationality moves along an enlightened path to rationality.

14.   We will never give in to “shiny new love” syndrome.

Embrace the glorious feeling of newness, by all means. Isn’t that the most gorgeous of feelings? But one can only compare like with like if you are mad enough to go down the comparison march. At present, my lover is bound to be having a far more wonderful time with other people than he is with me because they have not got the history, the constancy, the intimacy, the challenges in their relationship that I have with him. They have lovely newness with this wonderful, attractive man who is providing for them all the things that they have had missing in their lives, whereas I am just the brain ache gal who is having to contend with the new situations in my life, that clearly make me less adorable at present.

Luckily for me, my lover is not into comparisons and would hopefully recognise the true nature of this current situation.

15.   If either of us wants a new sexual/romantic relationship they must bring that person to be interviewed by the other primary partner before sexual relationships have occurred.

So, if one goes out for an evening with a friend, someone that one really gets on with, someone that is attracted to you and visa versa, and you send up going back to their place and end up in a situation when you are about to jump into bed with them, do you then say, “hold on – you just need to be interviewed by my partner”?
Of course, I suppose that this particular ‘couple’ have this stipulation to ensure that such situations of instinct and impulsiveness do not happen. Quite a superhuman ask, judging by what my lover has said about what has happened to him over the last few weeks. But....... makes you think.

Of course, it is ridiculous though. How can you possibly interview in this way. Can you really, if you are a sexual being, wait for, know whether something is going to happen or not. Life does have a habit of coming out and biting you on the bottom or arousing your cock to the point that it jsut has to do what it has to do.

16.   The potential lover must affirm they are fully aware of the situation and have no illusions about the nature of the relationship, including their place in the priority list.

It’s just an illusion! Not really a very good thing to have. But the potential lover, either post or pre fuck, according to this, should be aware of what they are getting themselves into, irrespective of the latter part of the statement and the bloody pecking order. I suppose that is only fair. I entered into a relationship with my lover in full knowledge of his current relationship at the time. I personally think that his other lovers, now and in the future, should have the same opportunity, assuming that our relationship continues to be the significant one that it currently is.

But irrespective of me, perhaps potential lovers should be very clear on the fact that this man does not do coupledom, does not want a partner and merely wants to be himself, free to do what he likes, with whom he likes. As long as they know that, then there is no problem.

17.   The potential partner must convince the primary partnership that they are indeed polyamorous.

Interesting one. What if they’re not? What if they are out for a relationship? What if they are not out for a relationship and suddenly realise the significance of the so-called primary partner in their lives? Once more, this is exactly what happened to me. I was polyamorous by default and it wasn’t until I was left without having sex with my lover that I realised just how important that aspect, together with the others of our relationship was so vital.

And in all of that, I don’t think I classified myself as polyamorous, monogamous, unfaithful or any other bleeding label. Labels are SO destructive!

18.   If you are polyamorous, don’t date monogamous people.

Well duh!

19.   The polyamorous lover must be ok with kids.

Well, that is an interesting one. I wonder how it does work with kids. Perhaps, the real enlightened way is to make sure your kids know from the outset that Mummy and Daddy are not going to be life-time partners and if they are, other people will come and go as well.

20.   If the potential lover has a partner of any serious commitment that partner must also speak to us giving consent.

Consent? Approval? Acceptance? Permission? Where does one stop and another start, not just from the potential lover’s lover either!

It’s all a bit organised for spontaneous admiration and attraction.

21.   Each primary partner has the right to an irrevocable veto of any partner at any time. The vetoer is required to provide an explanation but the veto is not open to argument.

Ah yes, the veto button. But what happens if the veto button gets continually hit? Okay, there has to be a valid explanation but who is doing the validating? If the partners are poles apart, what gives? Who compromises? What happens when the compromise turns into resentment?

If I ask my partner not to sleep with these women, how long before he resents doing as I wish? Likewise, if I feel as though I am making a compromise in accepting the fact that he has to sleep with these other women, how long before I resent my compromise.

For a long time now, I have thought that monogamy is unworkable. Now I am beginning to think that any complex relationship is inworkable but perhaps that is because today is after the night before, and I am feeling blissfully ignorant of where I am right now.

22.   If a long-standing relationship is suddenly vetoed, arguing is allowed and consensus must be reached.

And what if consensus can’t be reached? Do they then rip up this incredible document?

23.   Any and all emotional misunderstanding must be settled by consensus.

YES! That is obvious.

24.   Repeated inability on the part of the non-primary lover to talk through misunderstandings will result in disqualification due to immaturity.

And what of the primary partner? Do they get “disqualified” due to their inability to be mature about a given situation? Are they disqualified or ridiculed because they are so stupid as to not being as enlightened as they would like to be? Does the other partner “disqualify” their main lover because they are unwilling or unable to overcome misunderstandings, negative outbursts etc?
Where does it stop?

25.   If genetic male-identified males want to date the female partner they must have permission from the male primary partner.

Now this is interesting. This smacks of misogyny to me. So it is okay for her to have a relationship with another woman but as soon as the chief of the Pride feels under pressure then he has to intervene, whereas she does not have to do the same if he wants to have a female or male partner? Doesn’t really seem very fair and equitable to me?

26.   Although the secondary lovers do not have to have a separate friend-type relationship with the other primary partner, it is a definite bonus.

Or, from experience, it is a blithering nightmare with all sorts of additional complications. What works for one person, does not work for another.

27.   The following nights must be spent with the primary partner; anniversaries, birthdays, rebirthdays (!!), eight religious high days (oh yes, they must be of the Morman tendency!), graduations and any other specific and important day.

How funny! How contrived! What happens if you end up in a relationship with twins?

28.   As soon as the partner falls asleep, the duty is considered fulfilled!

Ah well that solves the “twin” scenario. Once Lucy is asleep then you can fuck off into bed with Rita. I like it!

29.   Use of the words, “wife”, “husband”, “Spouse” and “partner” are restricted to the primary partnership only. “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “fuck-buddy”, “lover” are fine for all other contacts.

Words, words, words. What are words worth if there is no action behind them? If I considered myself as the primary partner in my lover’s life at the moment, none of the primary words here are acceptable. So then am I a fuck buddy? I don’t think so. A girlfriend? Oh please! That hardly describes our relationship.

Perhaps we ought to dispense of any labels and just get on with being who we are and who we are to one another. Isn’t that more important, says the woman who wants to be seen as a partner?

30.   Body fluid monogamy at all times with non-primary lovers.

The argument behind this was that in polyamorous relationships you need to be even more careful with sexual health. I cannot see an argument against this at all other than the fact that making love with a condom on your dick is hardly the best experience in the world for anyone involved. Fuck bloody infections and their potential! Not fuck them in a dismissive way but damn them for being present, for potentially curtailing sexual enjoyment for all. It is one of the natural laws of life’s little jokes.

31.   Exceptions to the above if they have been lovers for over six months – and all out body-fluid relationships can be discussed.

Well, that is always open for negotiation irrespective of the six month rule. Perhaps it ought to start with all partners agreeing to have regular visits to the GUM clinic.

32.   The woman will only have penetrative sex with the primary male partner

Back to misogyny. What more can I say?

33.   If S/M is taking place the primary partner has the right to demand to be present in order to ensure the other partner will be safe.

How about if S/M isn’t taking place? How about if the primary partner just fancies looking in on her partner’s sexuality from time to time? How about if she actually gets off on seeing her lover fuck another, especially if he then wants to fuck her even more?

I hope to goodness that my lover wants to fuck me even more after he has slept with another women. It certainly seemed that way this week.

At first.

34.   Beds are for sleep. If loud sex with a secondary partner is keeping the other primary partner awake, they have the power of eviction.

Mmmm. I wonder if they have any rules on snoring and farting evictions as well?
Beds are for sleep but they are also for fucking. In fact, I rather prefer the idea that they are for fucking as much as, if not more than for sleeping in.

35.   Hunting licences allow the primary partners to have sex away from home without the interview process

Okay, this all gets a little ridiculous now. Can the hunting licence be a permanent thing? Not according to these rules. But can you really prevent alpha males and alpha females from doing what they want when they are out and about? The evidence from where I am standing is clearly not. And why should we?

36.   Sexual contacts picked up on hunting licence must be one-offs

If only everything could be that straight forward but life isn’t like that. There is instinct, there is attraction, there are feelings. It is a complex situation and making ridiculous rules is not going to change that.

37.   The sexual contacts during the licence period must be made fully aware of the polyamorous situation.

Agreed. Like it or not, I cannot get away from this one. Honesty, openness and truthfulness is recommended at all times, however painful, however much of a distraction, however it might be a prevention. It is fair on ALL concerned to do this. Otherwise, situations occur.

38.   The first free time after the end of a hunting licence must be spent with the primary partner.

I’ve granted no licence. I am not in a position to do so and even if I was (though some might say I am due to the longevity and the closeness of our relationship) I wouldn’t want to.

HOWEVER, now that it has happened, once, twice, more times in the future, once it has happened, I am really desperate for some intimacy of my own with my lover. I need him. I need to see his consideration, affection and love for me. I am beside myself with concern about this.

There are no licences. There are no rules but please consider the fact that I need you now more than ever.

..................................

It’s late. I’ve been up for hours. I’ve not slept at all for two nights. I am exhausted, emotionally drained and beaten.

BUT, I am also, in the most peculiar of ways, glad that all of this has happened.

The whole point of Zenpuss’s journey is that she discovers, she is challenged, she loses preconceived and imposed ideas about life and sex and relationships. She moves forward. She gains insight. She thinks intelligently. She is dispassionate and compassionate. She is selfless and selfish. She recognises her needs and those of others and tries to follow a path to ensure that both, all needs are met.

It’s been a long few weeks. It’s been a long, long morning.

Perhaps it is time for me to now take a walk.

I just hope that I can do that with my lover rather than walking in the opposite direction.

Polyamorous Fuck Up

I've really fucked up.

Having written about polyamory with an honesty and hope, I disregarded almost all of my lighter thoughts on the matter and regressed to childish irrationality when confronted with the reality of it yesterday.

In my blog yesterday, I wrote "Is acceptance really enough to make a polygamous relationship work? Surely, if it is to be truly successful one needs more than mere acceptance, otherwise there is an underlying current with a potential for the most disturbing and destructive eruption."

Prophetic indeed!

I erupted.

I fucked up big time.

My lover was enormously understanding. He enabled me to vent my emotions. He allowed me to wallow in self-pity. He told me he loved me when I know how much he hates trivialising our relationship with such a phrase. He was completely honest with me and frankly, I threw it all back at him in a moment of disrespect and impetuosity.

I feel so bereft and angry at myself because all he had done was sleep with another woman. No big deal. He'd even prevented himself from having penetrative sex for concern over my feelings and yet I still had to react so dramatically because despite aspiring to an open polyamorous relationship, I fucked up and behaved as though he had cheated on me.
He hadn't. He can't.
I'm the cheat, not him.

And after I had exploded, after I had accused him of provoking such a reaction in me (not by telling me about him sleeping with this woman but by doing it knowing I was likely to act so pathetically), he reminded me that I'd had it my way for too long, i.e. I had had him all to myself without other lovers, without polyamory for too long. Four years to be precise, with four years prior to that when I was the "other woman".

I'd also had it my way too long by asking him to be open and honest with me, as suggested in all websites on polyamory. He knew it would end up like this. I merely thought lack of knowledge would do more damage than honesty. I'm still not sure which is best but all sites I've visited on polyamory suggests that honesty really is the best policy, and perhaps the destructive emotions that come from it will diminish in time.

Ah yes, I'm well aware of the irony all right. I'm well aware of the contradiction of being on the receiving end of a new polyamorous situation and the opposite of being the other woman, of choosing to participate in sexual relations with this man in spite of the fact that I knew he had a long-term relationship and commitment.

And he's right, on both counts.
I am a hypocrite due to the fact I am allegedly in a "committed" relationship, albeit not in a sexual relationship with my partner. In fact, I do not share a bed with my partner for a reason that is patently obvious and not to do with the one that I have used as an excuse.I  am a hypocrite because I was perfectly prepared to indulge in a sexual relationship with him knowing about his primary relationship. Seems I was persistent, which may or may not be a complement.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it!" he said.
"I was living with open fidelity and I liked it". I said.

I liked it because I was happy for him to look. I liked it because it gave us time to develop our relationship. I liked it because I became the most significant person in his life. I liked it because the sex was brilliant. I liked it because I felt secure in his passion for me and our relationship.

None of the above has changed. So why did I react so painfully? Why did I fuck up?

Because despite the general belief in a polyamorous existence, give or take the smallest of odd dalliances, essentially ours was a relationship of fidelity. Oh yes, I carefully ignore my own marriage at this point because it suits me to do so, even though I don't have sex with my husband and even when I did, it was out of duty NEVER out of passion, never.

But yes, I got used to it, being the only woman currently in his life. I had the slippers on, even if I knew they were only temporary.

We were in a situation that some might term as being in an "open fidelity". Only retrospectively we never really discussed what that meant other than a general "acceptance" of non-exclusivity.

The other irony is that there is a part of me that gets so hopelessly turned on by him fucking and kissing other women. I adore his sexuality and get off on thinking about him, imagining him sticking his substantial cock into another needy pussy. Only as soon as I am faced with the reality of this, I freak. I reverse into this unfounded notion that this will all have a major detrimental effect on our relationship, without fully appreciating the negative effects are mainly regarding my response not him doing it in the first place.

I told you all I fucked up.

I told him today, or yesterday, that the sex wasn't the issue. For me it was the intimacy I found challenging despite knowing that he cares for me, despite knowing I was the most significant person and the most significant relationship in his life.

So I cried. I questioned. I felt hurt. I was angry with myself. I was angry with myself for being angry with him. I accused him of being disrespectful of our relationship when he has done nothing of the sort. I accused him of shifting, changing our relationship when it was my reaction not his actions that were causing any amendment.
Me me me me me. Not you you you. Not you you, me me, us us etc

Ultimately, I challenged him, without saying so, that he had to decide between him being him and enjoying sex and friendship with others and our relationship as though the two were mutually exclusive.
Decide for the time being, not permanently, until I have become more than accepting of this newness in our relationship. His decision though.

He's right. I have had it my way too long. And I liked it.

And now I've fucked up.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have had an all out blow-up to get rid of the irrational before it imploded in the company of others. Maybe too much had been said and we were both drained and should have just stayed in.
My implosion at one misinterpretation of his more rational and reasoned questions was enough.

My instinct which I'd suppressed earlier. My instinct that was wrong to act on. His instinct the night before was not wrong and he acted on it. Sometimes we just have to accept instincts for what they are, good and not so good, hurtful or not, deliberate or not. There are consequences in everything, honesty or not.

I'd said I was tired. He was too.
We should have stopped. We had done enough talking.
And after all of that I walked away feeling bereft, leaving him with understandable anger.

I fucked up. I can't retract what has happened. I fucked up and I wish I could have responded differently.
I wanted to respond differently, more intelligently, more trustingly.

I fucked up which is why for the second time on a Friday morning Dawn chorus I am sitting in bed writing.

I fucked up and I'm sorry. so fucking fucking sorry.

And still am. And am still suffering too.

............................................................................

Please, if there are any polyamorists out there who could give a little support to someone who has lost their way on this most obvious of arrangements, give me a helping hand because I need it. All advice gratefully appreciated.

xx