It wasn’t that she didn’t like sex; she just didn’t like sex with him.
For years she had thought that she was somewhat frigid, that her libido was shattered, that she didn’t function sexually. She had thought that she didn’t need sex, that she didn’t actually enjoy sex and couldn’t really understand what all the fuss was about.
A friend had told her that when she got married, the amount of sex would reduce. She was almost relieved to hear that. She was indifferent to sex and could quite contentedly live without it.
Another friend told her how she and her partner revitalised their sex by watching porn movies together but she couldn’t really see the point. If she didn’t enjoy sex, what possible purpose would there be in watching other people have sex?
She stoically continued to have sex but it was a duty rather than a pleasure. It was mundane, immature sex. It was bland and characterless. It was dry and empty but she didn’t necessarily know that at the time.
It had its purpose. Being the good church-going person that she was, sex was now about procreation. The only point to sex was now procreation. It was a means to an end, and once conception had taken place, it seemed a beautiful excuse to exempt herself from sex for the duration of the pregnancy. He didn’t seem to object to this. He never once attempted to fuck her whilst she was carrying his children.
And years later, it was still the same.
The kiss first thing in the morning, not a gentle kiss, not an aggressive one, just a signal that he was aroused. Not on the mouth, but on the cheek. If it was on the mouth it was brief and certainly not tongues. That was her decision, not his. The kisses were pretty crap. They were sloppy and ill-considered. They didn’t feel good. It wasn’t his fault, he just wasn’t very good at kissing, and she had never felt aroused by his kissing. It had never been the prerequisite to full, penetrative sex.
Or maybe it had been. Maybe she should have paid attention to the kiss many years before. Maybe the kiss is an indication of what the sex might be like. She’d never thought about that. Are good kissers automatically good lovers?
And so it went on. The kiss followed by a movement of the hand. The insipid tracing of the body, first towards the breasts, rubbing them, avoiding the nipple, then just fingering it, followed by an attempt to kiss it.
For some insane reason, he thought that blowing was good. He blew his breath on her tits, almost as though attempting to anaesthetise them before he took it in his mouth. It left her shuddering and finding his kissing them unwelcome. Once kissed, the boobs were then fondled, grabbed whilst the kisses moved towards the neck, to the alleged sensual area around the base of the ear. It didn’t sensitise her.
And then the hand would wander towards her cunt.
A single digit was inserted, first quite gently. Then it would move around, just once to check the moistness. And then it would just go in and out and in and out, ridiculously quickly, as though the speed of this single digit being inserted would be the key to a pleasurable experience.
There was no exploration of her cunt, no attempt to see if there was any effect of this finger rogering, just some innate perception that it was this that made women cum.
Only it didn’t. It was more like an endurance test than an arousal method.
And then he’d go down on her, and do that dreadful blowing thing again, only this time on her pubes, and then he would dive his tongue inside her with that rapid action once more.
And then the cock would go in. Just as the finger and tongue had before; quick motions, done for one purpose only, to get him to orgasm.
Thankfully, it never lasted too long. It was over in less than a minute on most occasions, and once he had climaxed, she could extract him from her body and relax post-coitally as she knew she should.
And that was that. And this is that. Once a week, once a month, often less than that at certain times of her life.
If this was what sex was going to be like for the rest of her life, is it any wonder that she was disinterested and reluctant?
She’d tried other things occasionally. She didn’t always lie there like a zombie. She’d read books, she’d seen the odd soft porn imagery, she had her instinct in tact.
She held his cock and rubbed it. She often gave him a blow job and held his balls in her hand but it was more out of a desire to arouse him than doing anything for her. She didn’t actually like it. Still doesn’t.
She climbed on top of him when he’d finished blowing on her cunt and had ridden him so that at the very least her clitoris could be sensitised but none of it made any difference really.
She never came.
Of course she did cum, when it was just her lying in bed.
She’d always had the propensity to fantasise, and the fantasies led to masturbation, but only of the clitoris, and often without her fingers going anywhere near her sexual organs.
It was an immature wank but effective.
She’d learned at a relatively early age how to get herself to orgasm. She would stuff a pillow or a discarded piece of clothing between her legs, and she would press down hard. Then she would release herself from the pressure and return it instantaneously. After four or five of these pressure visits, she would feel the orgasm rising, until eventually her whole body was rigid in its effort to cum. As the orgasm took over, she would tense up to feel its complete effect and then she would flop down, remove the pillow and simply enjoy the sensuality that she had provided for herself.
But the sensuality and the orgasms always came this way. It never entered her mind to push her own fingers into her cunt. It had never done anything for her when he did it, so why would fingering herself have the desired effect. Anyway, wasn’t a vaginal orgasm just an urban myth?
The pillow fucks were sometimes done without thought in mind, but the best self-fucks were the ones when she was thinking about others; not usually people she knew, though there were times when friends came to mind. They were mainly about people that she didn’t know, people that she had seen on the television; actors, sportsmen, even news anchormen!
The chosen object of fantasy usually lasted for some months. Some of them lasted for years; the same person at the centre of her wanking.
By this time though, she had convinced herself that sex wasn’t an important part of her life, almost turning a blind eye to this masturbation methodology. That wasn’t real sex. She didn’t equate that to her sexuality. She didn’t see it for what it was; the replacement, the necessity to keep her sexually alive.
It wasn’t as if she didn’t love him. She did. They had many pleasurable moments. She used to enjoy lying there after he was satisfied, revelling in his bliss that became part of hers.
Like a dutiful wife, she had reverted to the decades before her existence, and had pleasured him and that was the most important thing. In some ludicrous assimilation to self-sacrifice, his sexuality was far more important than hers. Whatever her needs were supposed to be, they were insignificant and by this time, she had convinced herself that she basically had a very low libido, almost to the point of non-existence. Even when friends explained the quantity and quality of their own sexual lives, she dismissed it as being fine for them but it wasn’t something that was important to her. She was content and that was all that mattered. The fact that she could not be aroused by another human being was just part of her life and she didn’t mourn or grieve for her sexuality. It was just the way things were. It is just the way things are.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
Can you possibly understand what this is like? Have you got any idea how bloody difficult it is to have sex in this way? Try as she might, with all the potential of her imagination, she cannot enjoy it. There are times when she literally grits her teeth because it is unbearable to experience this inadequacy. She’s thought it over and over. She’s considered pretending that there is another person fucking her, but that doesn’t work, and she doesn’t want to soil memories of others with this blandness. She’s thought that as a sexual woman, she should be able to enjoy rather than endure any form of sex. Surely having bad sex is better than having no sex at all?
Absolutely not!
Bad sex makes the desire for good sex even more alluring. Bad sex makes the body and the soul want to scream in annoyance. Bad sex is not worth the bother other than to keep up appearances.
And she has tried to make it better. She has tried to bring her memories and experiences of others to the marital bed but it just doesn’t work.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
It wasn’t that she loved sex; she just loved having sex with him.
For years she had thought that she was somewhat frigid, that her libido was shattered, that she didn’t function sexually. She had thought that she didn’t need sex, that she didn’t actually enjoy sex and couldn’t really understand what all the fuss was about.
And then she had been awakened from a very hideous dream.
It had started with the simplest of kisses, not even a sexual one; just a goodbye at the end of an evening, with a kiss on either cheek with the gentlest of touches on the elbow.
She’d driven away knowing that something was happening but it was suppressed deep down within her subconscious.
It continued months later with another kiss, only this time there was no disguising the sexuality of the moment. The burning sensation in her cunt at the moment where tongues collided made her realise that her libido was not redundant after all. There was some sexual life in her but maybe it was just the illegitimacy of the moment. Maybe it was just arousal at doing something that was indiscreet and would be frowned upon by others. Maybe the arousal was just some sort of rebellion.
But her libido had been awoken and it was now at the forefront of her mind.
In the instances when he kissed her, she could feel it throbbing between her legs. At the moment that he placed his hand on her breast for the first time, she realised that she would readily invite another touch, not shield his hand away in the hope that he would move and recognise her discomfort from being touched in that area. There was no discomfort. For the first time in her life, she wanted to have her tits fondled. She wanted him to tweak her nipples and arouse them from their flatbed.
When he first placed his fingers inside her, he must have assumed that she was an extremely libidinous woman. Her labia were dripping with anticipation; her cunt was erect in an instant. He must have thought that this was a woman who knew how to invite pleasure into her pussy, that her wetness symbolised the fact that she was a deeply sexual woman, who knew what she wanted and how she was going to get it.
When he first placed his fingers inside her, he didn’t stab at her. He explored every nook and cranny of her. He pushed through the initial folds, he tickled the inner labia. He swept his finger gently over every section of her before reaching in further to the hibernating G-Spot, where he accurately exerted just the right amount of pressure without force or over-exertion.
She came in an instant, surprising herself at the droplets of cum that seemed to burst forth.
She tried to disguise her surprise but he had already seen it, even in the darkness, even without looking at her astonished face.
And then they had more sex, penetrative sex, expected and desired by both of them.
They’d waited for a long time. The anticipation had been huge in time as well as thought.
It was worth the wait.
At the moment of penetration, she was catapulted into another world; a world that was to be her secret, their secret for many years. It was a world of passion and sexual excitement that she had no idea she was capable of experiencing.
He must have thought that initial sex was pretty bland. She was stunned and it must have come across in her actions or inactions.
She was mesmerised into a hypnotic state. She had had her mind as well as her body blown to smithereens, and poor him; he’d just had sex with a woman that he cared for, a woman that he had found attractive and had got to know – but the sex can’t have been that alluring.
It had started with a kiss. He’d lain her down on the settee as he crouched on the floor beside her. He’d reached his arm over to her face and had folded his palm across her face as he kissed her sweetly, and then he had opened her mouth to glide his tongue inside as hers moulded into his.
He’d rapidly undressed himself, down to his white knickers that erupted with his hardness. She noticed the darkened patch where his lubricant had seeped from his cock. There were no inhibitions in him letting her see his excitement.
He removed her skirt and unfastened her blouse. He grabbed her tits whilst continually kissing her with a passion unknown. He lifted her breasts from their hiding place and brushed her nipples, exacting his fingers to its point without tugging, without pressure.
Without realising, it was he that was now lying on the settee with her straddling herself above him.
He’d removed her panties and was now fingering her cunt as she knelt over him with a rigid back, enjoying the exploration. She gushed an extensive amount of liquid from her body, concerned that she had just pissed over him, shying away in the depths of her inhibitions.
He said nothing, just appreciated her cum without words.
He moved her away and pulled the cushions to the floor. He stripped himself from his pants and lay her down, moving her legs aside so that he could look at the cunt that he had fingered for so many months. In the light of day, he could see her pink anticipation as he clamoured into the waiting condom.
He slid inside her. She was astonished that such a big cock could reach inside her almost unnoticed. As soon as she realised that he was within her, her body shook at the wonderment.
It had been a long wait.
Covered in rubbery revoltingness, he didn’t cum inside her. He just fucked her perfectly until she had her own orgasm. Through her cum, he continued to fuck her until he needed to cum himself.
He removed the condom and rubbed her cunt. He continued to kiss her as he grabbed his cock and it was fairly soon that he was shooting his stuff on the floor between them.
It was over a year before they discarded the condoms. What was the point in them, apart from the obvious? She’d never wanted him to wear them in the first place. It was his insistence. She was far too flighty to worry about the health risks of not having them.
When he suggested that they could have sex without them, she was astonished and delighted. She wanted to really feel his cock in direct contact with her cunt. She wanted their flesh to rub together, to arouse one another, to belong in one another.
The moment they connected she came. Her mind was insistent upon that.
It was a few months later that she decided that another form of contraception was required. She wanted to feel his spunk inside her. She wanted him to have the ultimate experience with her; that ability to relax completely without worry of escaping sperm.
He spunked in her gloriously, and she loved to feel inside herself to savour that gloriously gel-like texture. She still loves to feel his spunk inside her.
To have the opportunity to cum together was mind-blowing. That he clearly cared for her and that she reciprocated was enough for her. She no longer wanted to be the best or the priority or indeed the only one that he fucked. She just wanted to experience this sex as often and for as long as possible.
She grew in her sexuality. She experienced new things. She explored her body and her sexual mind with him and without.
She loves her sexuality now. She loves feeling horny and urgent. She loves expressing her sexuality in kisses and hugs, in words and in talking, in unspoken moments and in demands for a fuck.
She loves the fact that she has become this spunky woman who can spray her cum out of her cunt, soaking his torso or his balls dependant on where he is when she orgasms.
She loves to finger herself, even fist herself with him looking on. She loves to wank and watch him wank too, seeing his fucking, enormous cock extend itself almost in time with every additional finger that she pushes into her own body. She loves to extract her fist from her cunt so that he can see the gaping hole and the erection within her as she anticipates his cock.
She loves it when he climbs on top of her and directs his cock to the very places that either he or she have just been fingering, knowing that this collision is going to create the cataract effect that both of them know is imminent.
She wants more and in wanting more, she wants it for him as much as herself. She loves to extend her sexuality. She loves to excite him with her fascination in other women’s bodies. She loves looking at excited cunts and the curvature of an enticing pair of tits. She loves watching another woman’s arousal; at her fingering herself. She adores seeing other women take cocks into their cunts and their mouths, devouring it as she devours his.
She adores watching him piss and his adoration in watching her piss. She loves having sex lying down in bed or riding his cock. She loves having her panties removed in urgent desire in the middle of the day, in the middle of the kitchen.
She loves being fucked in places that she’d never considered before because she had never considered the urgency of sex.
She wants him to explore her body more. She wants him to want her. She wants him to want to finger her elsewhere. She wants to let other people watch them fuck and get aroused themselves and then she wants to watch them being aroused, and hopefully them fucking one another.
And she wants to lie in bed with him, making love, loving one another with all the subtlety and sensation of being together, gently, carefully, intimately.
And she has had to ask herself whether she loves sex or loves it with him, whether she loves him or whether she loves the sex.
She knows the answer to that and so does he.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Can you possibly understand what this is like? Have you got any idea how bloody difficult it is not to have sex in this way?
Have you really got any comprehension of how life changing this has been, how fundamental the sexuality is, how the love of sex and the love of another is inseparable?
To contemplate the idea that any sex would compensate for the lack of this sex is incomprehensible. She can finger fuck herself and that is divine but it makes her want him more. She can have sex with others but it makes her long for this sex more.
She says she has a secret life. He says she has a secret life. Is it any wonder that she sometimes doesn’t want it to be secret? Shouldn’t it be down to people like her to educate the world by explaining what has happened to her? Shouldn’t others understand that this sort of sex doesn’t come along by physicality alone and that there are a multitude of reasons beyond the sexual togetherness that makes this happen?
Should she have to have bad sex because she cannot have the good sex that she wants and needs?
Absolutely not!
And yet, this has to be.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
It wasn’t that she loved sex or was indifferent to sex; she didn’t know whether her love of sex was wholly linked to her love for him.
For years she had thought that she was somewhat frigid, that her libido was shattered, that she didn’t function sexually. She had thought that she didn’t need sex, that she didn’t actually enjoy sex and couldn’t really understand what all the fuss was about.
He’d eradicated that. He’d made her see sex for the significance that it was. He’d enabled her to embrace her sexuality, explore its depths, untie its enforced societal and personal boundaries. He’d opened her mind and her soul. He’d released a sexual spirituality that had either been dormant or hadn’t previously existed.
He’d played his part in creating this reformed and regenerated woman.
She doesn’t mean to be alarming or antagonistic in saying that she is unsure of whether this newfound sexual excitement is related to her feelings for him. She is genuinely fascinated by this question in a non-attached way.
This is why she would consider having sex with another person; which is why she wanted to have sex with another woman. Then of course, he was involved in that too and she knows that part of that was all about exciting him.
She still wants to have sex with another woman. She would love to share sex with him and another woman. She would delight in seeing him sexually aroused by another pair of tits and another cunt to be stimulated by. She even thinks he needs to have another cunt, with or without her being present, only she’d prefer it if she was involved too, or at the least if he would share his experiences with her.
She doesn’t want or need to have sex with anyone else. Why would she? According to her, she has the pinnacle of sex with him. Yet she is intrigued as to whether she could enjoy sex with someone else, whether sex in itself is something that she rather likes.
She experiences bad sex which in some ways reiterates the belief that sex in itself, as its own force is not what she wants. When she has been without his sex, she cannot just have sex and feel in any way appeased or placated. If anything, the other sex leads to greater frustration at not having the sex that she wants, that they both want.
And yet, the idea of having sex with another person, without the emotional attachments and the strength of absolute intimacy, is a prospect that she feels she ought to consider.
She wrote recently about the fact that when people separate, they should be mindful of the fact that they are missing the sex as much as they are missing the person. It might even be that they are missing the sex more than they are missing the person, or that they are missing the sex and don’t really miss the person at all.
Right now, that is not her experience and it doesn’t take a permanent separation to feel this. Even a week of separation can make one miss the person and with that, miss the sex too.
She wants to have sex with another person because she wants to further embrace her sexuality. She wants to have good old, uncomplicated sex to see if she actually likes being fucked.
But most importantly, right now, she wants this as part of a shared experience with him. She wants to be able to talk to him about it. She wants to be able to impart her thoughts. She actually wants him to be watching her have sex with another person almost as much as she wants to watch him having sex with another person.
In some ways, she doesn’t need to know. She already does know that she has become a sexualised woman who happily embraces her sexuality. She knows that she is aroused when she looks at porn sites. She knows that she is sexual because of this.
She knows that she enjoys a wank. She knows that she can write about sex and can feel the pressure of a bulging cunt without any specific provocation from him, well not directly at least.
She knows that she is a sexual being and that this sexuality is a fundamental need and desire in her life.
And because she knows, she wants to go further. She wants them to enjoy each other’s sexuality to its peak; a peak that changes and dances to a myriad of tunes, a peak that can be reached in the togetherness of sexuality and in the exploration of it individually.
He knows and she knows that sex is complicated, that sex is complicated specifically by the fact that it is not just a physical act, that a desire to fuck another is fraught with darkness and light. Accepting that and acknowledging it is extremely important.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
It wasn’t that she loved sex; she just loved having sex with him.
It wasn’t that she didn’t like sex; she just didn’t feel it was as good as it should be.
It wasn’t that she wanted sex with others; she just felt it could be enjoyable and it would open her mind and her sexuality, and it might………………………..
She doesn’t want to finish that sentence. She will do when the time is right.
For years she had thought that she was somewhat frigid, that her libido was shattered, that she didn’t function sexually. She had thought that she didn’t need sex, that she didn’t actually enjoy sex and couldn’t really understand what all the fuss was about.
She was wrong.
And now she knows.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Friday, 2 April 2010
Intimacy
Intimacy
Intimacy is one of the most precious aspects of life in my opinion.
Intimacy of thought, intimacy of silence, intimacy of togetherness, intimacy of mind, body and soul.
Intimacy with someone that you care for and wholly connect with, intimacy with yourself; the knowledge and understanding of your being.
Intimacy can be intense, even frightening because of the extent of its oneness. Intimacy can bring such harmony but can also bring despair when its brilliance appears tarnished from time to time.
Intimacy is not about possession or falsehoods in feelings. It is a genuine connection of the highest order. It should not detract from privacy or be a burden that challenges liberty.
True intimacy requires intelligence; recognition of individual needs, appreciation of the self, acceptance of balance and rationale. True intimacy is intuitive to the point of seeming instinctual. It requires empathy, passion, selflessness, selfishness, honesty.
The dictionary, when describing intimacy offers words like closeness, familiarity, amorous, comfort, privacy and of course sexual intercourse.
It implies serenity, calm, togetherness, contentment, transparency.
It’s big!
To find intimacy in one’s life is a blessing but it is vital that it is realistic and accepting in the need of each and every one of us.
When thinking about intimacy recently, I was drawn to my usual habit of searching through the internet to read about others thoughts on intimacy and to see how the word is used and quoted throughout the ages. I will look individually at the quotes later.
Wikipedia, or its specific contributor, does a better job than me in defining intimacy but nobody should rely wholly on such definitions. They should consider what intimacy actually means for them, and in some ways, it is a very personal interpretation.
In reading something like Wikipedia, one should consider, think and hopefully react to some of the statements viewed. This is precisely what I have done.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_relationship
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_relationship
There are some statements within this piece of writing that I completely agree with like this one – “Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship”. For intimacy to be pure, it is vital to recognise this fundamental aspect of balance between separate and together. You cannot and should not expect intimacy to be a continual connection. Intimacy absolutely recognises the needs and desires of another but real intimacy isn’t about one person doing this. It is about two people doing this. That mutual appreciation and selflessness is key to maintaining intimacy, eradicating destructive emotions and being truly harmonious.
It is interesting though that the very first sentence used in the Wikipedia definition gives me cause to debate.
It says, “Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together”.
Luckily it continues to define this much more carefully but I worry about the word “belonging”.
Intimacy shouldn’t really have to “belong”.
Belong implies possession, holding, even stagnancy; none of which should be part of a true intimacy. There is no need for the word “belonging” in intimacy. In some ways, it goes without needing to be said. In others it is quite detrimental to intimacy to suggest that “belonging” is some ultimate motive for developing intimacy with another human being.
I don’t want to belong through intimacy. I don’t want another person feeling that they are beholden because of the intimacy that we share.
Intimacy just is.
In order to be completely intimate, there has to be some inward thinking too. How can you be transparent, honest, loving, giving if you have not had time, opportunity and willingness to look deeply within yourself? Intimacy of mind needs an individual to have a good look at themselves.
How can you expect someone to have an intimate relationship with you if you don’t understand, know and appreciate yourself? How can you share yourself before knowing what you are and who you are?
Of course, intimacy is also about sex.
There is sex and there is sex.
There is the raw need for penetration and there is the desire for something that connects on a completely different plane.
There is a difference between intimacy of the physical and intimacy of the mind within sex. When these run in parallel you can get pretty explosive mind-blowing sex where the soul and the spirit are driven to blissfulness by the ultimate wonderment of the physical, the thoughtful and the loving.
I like that sort of sex!
With sex though, that dual and triple intimacy can be separated on occasions.
Sexual penetration is pretty intimate in itself, even without the aspects of emotional intimacy.
One could argue that even the porn stars who fuck one another for money are being intimate in one way. They have lost all inhibitions about their physicality. I think diving into one another’s bodies is a pretty intimate thing to do. I think showering cum all over the place is a pretty intimate thing to do but maybe there is a need for a word that is different to “intimate” because fucking doesn’t really encompass it.
I actually feel very humbled by the sort of sex I described earlier; the one where the intimacy goes beyond the physical and makes that complete connection. I’m not convinced that everyone has experienced it, and in having done so myself, I feel, as I said, extremely humbled, even honoured.
But then intimacy is an honour in itself.
Can everyone have intimacy? Is everyone capable of intimacy? Can intimacy grow in unlikely places? Can it diminish as quickly as it has arrived?
Is it possible to give intimacy a universal definition or can this only be done by the individual or indeed the people within each unique relationship?
I’m not going to answer these but I am going to look at some of the comments from people to try and consider my own thoughts about intimacy. I don’t intend to come to any conclusions.
I just enjoy thinking and my comments are just those that are here for the moment. Tomorrow might bring completely different interpretations.
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“Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity” – Wikipedia
These are good words which is why I have included them in this short essay.
It is impossible to have intimacy without dialogue. You cannot know, understand and appreciate the depths of another human being without dialogue, without words and as importantly without listening. Dialogue is not a one way street. It needs two people to talk and listen, and then use this to think and consider.
Intimacy is absolutely about transparency. Without transparency you cannot be completely intimate and this does not detract from the need to hold onto something that is completely yours. Even with the most intimate of relationships, there is a desire and even a need to hold something back that is uniquely your thoughts and feelings. Transparency in intimacy does not and should not be interpreted as a giving away of one’s self but an ability to be honest. There should not be the unexpected in intimacy but then there should always be the opportunity for surprise. I love how complicated things can be sometimes in life.
Because of this total transparency and also, by default, a lack of it, there is bound to be some vulnerability in intimacy. It hovers there and unexpectedly challenges you from time to time.
Have I been too intimate, too giving of myself? Have I held back? Do we really have the intimacy that I thought we had? Has being this honest left me open and vulnerable?
Intimacy is only vulnerable when it becomes something that we rely upon. Intimacy becomes vulnerability when it is practised as an absolute attachment – back to belonging. Intimacy is perfectly able to exist in a non-attached way; in its purest form this should be the only way to exist harmoniously and intimately with another being.
If that is done then there has to be reciprocity. Intimacy, by very nature, cannot be one sided. If one person thinks that there is intimacy and the other deems this just as a positive closeness, then it is not real intimacy.
Intimacy is in that unspoken togetherness.
“Among men, sometimes sex results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex” – Barbra Cartland
Good old Babs! Pink and fluffy to the last! Mills and Boon’s Queen of Misunderstanding!
I would take offence at this if I could be bothered to be offended by a woman who has lived a completely surreal existence so far removed from the realities of everything I know about human beings as is possible. This is the woman that believes in some “happy ever after” scenario of Cinderella style stories, where fairy tales of love and connection are eternal, and that the world is full of perfect being meeting perfect being. I wonder if she ever ‘got’ Wayne and Waynetta that Harry Enfield so brilliantly portrayed. I wonder if those characters ever considered their “hintimacy”?
Disregarding the sexism, there is some purpose in including this statement.
Sometimes sex results in intimacy and sometimes intimacy results in sex. Sometimes they almost happen together if that is possible. Sometimes the intimacy grows with greater sexual contact, sometimes the lessening of inhibitions and thus further intimacy results in even greater sexual experiences. To equate one to men and one to women, though, is utterly absurd.
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy, it is the disposition alone” – Jane Austen
The quote goes on to say that intimacy is not dependent upon how long you have known someone. Obviously, intimacy can develop and deepen as time goes on.
I sometimes have the impression that I have a deep connection with someone that really could not possibly be more intimate, and then something happens to make me think that what I had previously thought as total intimacy was a mere shadow of the intimacy now.
There is, according to Austen, the possibility that two people can be intimate almost upon meeting one another. Maybe this is where the notion of love at first sight comes from. But love and intimacy are different, even though there is possibly a need for one to develop the other.
And maybe Ms. Austen is confusing intimacy with the potential for intimacy. Is there a possibility that when two people meet and there is this irrational connectivity that is unexplainable, it is not a sudden rush of being “in love” but a ephemeral glimpse of the feasibility of something far more potent and real than the simplicity and fleetingness of being in love?
“Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away” – Eric Berne
In real intimacy there should be no games. In real intimacy there should be no tricks or dilutions or plans or contrive.
Those who “play” intimacy are on very dodgy ground. Those who pretend an intimacy with another are, in my opinion, bordering on evil. The notion that someone can pretend to be intimate in order to keep intimacy at bay is quite disturbing, even if the game player is not entirely conscious that this is what they are doing.
This is why it is really important to look at a personal intimacy alongside and before entering into an intimate relationship.
“The true feeling of sex is that of deep intimacy, but above all of a deep complicity” – James Dickey
I liked this statement. Sexually, this is the type of thing that we should be saying to young people and to those who are thinking of entering into a sexual relationship.
Sex is so incredibly vital and important that it should not be entered into lightly or irresponsibly. If you are to experience the essence and total enjoyment of sex, I do believe that you have to have that “deep complicity”. You can enjoy sex without it. You can have bloody good sex without it but it isn’t the all-encompassing divinity of the real thing.
I waited for months to have sex with my lover, even though I think it was quite apparent to both of us that we were going to have sex and that we both wanted it.
From the moment that he slipped his clever little fingers into my pussy, I wanted him to fuck me. If I am honest, I probably wanted it even before then.
We could have had sex before we did. There were opportunities and they could easily have been taken but I’m glad that we didn’t.
The anticipation of when it finally happened created an intimacy in the first moment of penetration that was, to me at the time, almost inexplicable.
Of course it is complex. When you are intertwining the body, mind and soul, it bloody well should be!
“Intimacy is open access to your loved one’s mobile phone” – anonymous
It makes you think though, doesn’t it – albeit a totally made up and contemporary statement.
My mobile phone remains at my side at all times. It is not to be touched by anyone else. Nobody has access to it and there is only one person in my life who could, if requested, have complete access.
In the modern world then, if Kim Grove and her 60s comic strip of “Love is….. never having to say sorry!” (something that was made into a tagline for the “Love Story” film of 1970) were still in existence then maybe this is one that could be developed. “Love is……letting your lover have access to the personal phone”.
Love, of course, is different to intimacy.
And intimacy is very different from a denial or prevention of privacy.
I did think about this though the other day. I realised that I could, at any point, be perfectly happy to share the contents of my phone and my emails with just one other person in my life. I don’t think there is anything there that I have not shared with him already. Yet hidden somewhere, in moments of despondency, doubt or desolation, there may be some hidden writing that might annoy or upset him.
You cannot have total immersion in intimacy. You need to hold onto something of yourself, even those parts of you which you are least proud of.
Still, I would be happy to share my phone with him. But this is a personal choice.
Reciprocation was a word that was used earlier. Therefore, does it mean that because I am prepared to share the contents of my mobile phone with him that, by nature of our intimacy, he should be prepared to share the content of his with me?
The very simple answer to this is no.
It is no for a very serious reason.
At no point should intimacy pervade into another person’s privacy. Intimacy rather respects another person’s privacy. Intimacy understands the reasons why someone might not want to share the contents of their mobile phone, not because there is incriminating evidence or information but merely because it is their personal item, theirs and theirs alone.
If a person chooses to share the contents of their phone, that is entirely a different matter. If they choose to explain the secret thoughts, if they choose to share the communication they have with others then that is wonderful but ultimately it is their choice and in not doing so does not in any way negate the intimacy of the relationship.
On the other hand, if there is an intimacy within a relationship which means there are no significant secrets, then the sharing of emails and mobile phones would not cause any specific problems.
As I said, it is a choice thing.
“If ever a man and his wife, or a man and his mistress, who passes nights as well as days together, absolutely lay aside all good breeding, their intimacy will soon degenerate into a coarse familiarity, infallibly productive of contempt or disgust” – Lord Chesterfield
Sad but possibly true.
How do you maintain intimacy?
Unfortunately, I don’t spend enough time with my lover to degenerate the intimacy!
That is a deliberately flippant and provocative statement, and clearly not true.
Intimacy is about respect. In many cases, there is complacency in intimacy that completely negates it. In some cases, there is too much giving of one another that makes continued intimacy seemingly impossible. In other cases, people forget to nurture and reconnect which means that the intimacy dissolves unnoticed into the ether.
Relationships need work, even if it is subliminal. Relationships cannot always have that peak of intimacy. They, like people, like thoughts, ebb and flow. Real intimacy can do this too. It fluctuates in extent but never disappears altogether.
Intimacy is a fundamental essence of life for me. It does not have to degenerate into contempt but that requires an honesty and an openness that many are neither prepared nor able to give.
Can you love two people at the same time? Yes, I think that is possible, and when I am talking about love, I am talking about sexual and emotional attachment.
Can you be intimate with two people at the same time? I’m not sure, though clearly polygamists might think differently. I suppose it has something to do with the definition of ‘time’.
Maybe intimacy is all about the now – not the past, not the future, not the day before, not the day after tomorrow.
Intimacy is as much about the moment as it is about the longevity of connection.
True intimacy, however, I think almost surpasses time.
“I’m certain that most couples expect to find intimacy in marriage, but it somehow eludes them” – Dr. James C. Dobson
Or add a simple letter ‘d’ somewhere to get a completely different interpretation!
Rum pie, her peas – I giggle extensively at word play – a real human joy!
Intimacy in any long term relationship can be elusive if you are complacent about it. That is quite obvious and the terminology of marriage is an irrelevance. Most ‘couples’ most people in relationships possibly hope for an intimacy, some may even expect it but it doesn’t nurture and develop itself.
Put that ‘d’ in to the sentence and you have something else. Delusion is a serious problem too.
Some people are deluded into thinking that just because they have a long-term or alleged strong relationship, then intimacy just comes along as part of the equation.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Sometimes, the intimacy itself might be delusional too. I’m certain that some couples expect to find intimacy in relationships, but it somehow deludes them. Such intimacy is clearly not intimacy at all. Such “intimacy” gives them false security, makes them feel infallible, makes their relationship appear indestructible. Nobody should be that complacent.
“My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don’t know me, so who cares what they think?” – Garry Shandling
I chuckled considerably at this when I first read it.
On second reading, like all good comedic statements, it is based in a rawness of truth that gives the humour brilliance when the momentary quip has had its time.
Shandling is making the point, whether knowingly or not, that other people cannot possibly pass comment on another person’s need for intimacy. Furthermore, nobody can understand intimacy without looking at themselves and knowing themselves. How can you possibly expect to be intimate with another if you have no idea as to who you are?
He is also stating the fact that some of his friends think that they know him and therefore can make judgments on his needs but in actual fact, they only know a small fraction of the person that he is. That is no intimacy at all.
Who does care what they think? Why should he care what they think if they have the rudeness to assume that they know what is right for another human being?
“Interestingly, the best way to promote intimacy is to demand it” – George Weinberg
I’m not sure about this statement. I don’t think you can demand intimacy. It should develop of its own accord and certainly shouldn’t be manufactured. However, there are ways of demanding.
If you replace demand with “require” then that is slightly different. If you require or need intimacy and that is reciprocated by another, then all’s well and good. The promotion of intimacy will happen, but replacing the word “demand” with “expect” cannot work.
You cannot demand intimacy as much as you cannot demand that someone loves you. And yet, there is something in this sentence that makes some sense.
Maybe a personal demand of intimacy does promote it. Maybe the expectation of intimacy nurtures it in itself.
“Intimacy, as I am using it, is sharing my reality with you” – Keith Miller
I really like this statement because it is so simple and sums things up rather succinctly.
I share my reality with you therefore that is my offering of intimacy.
Being truly close and intimate with another human being has to be about sharing. But it goes way beyond the sharing of a bed, or the sharing of a mobile phone or even the sharing of thoughts.
To share oneself whilst respecting the need for personal privacy is the ultimate in intimacy.
How do you balance this? It is difficult.
However intimate you are with one person, can you really share absolutely every particle of yourself with another? Should you even want to do that? Isn’t intimacy about sharing a reality yet keeping something of yourself for only you?
I share my reality with my lover. I possibly do it too much. It sometimes gets me into trouble (with myself as well as him). But that is just who I am. That is about my need and not his.
He shares his reality with me, or at least some of it. I like the fact that there is still more sharing to do, and I still have more sharing to give.
It is a pathway and a road to sharing that intimacy enables. It is the sharing and the walking of the pathway that gives intimacy.
“Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still” – Robert Steinberg
Interpret this on an emotional level and it makes sense. Interpret it on a sexual level and there are lessons to be learned.
Natural highs are the ultimate form of satisfaction. Passion is the quickest to develop and if there is obtuse and unrealistic expectations on passion, then it can fade. But passion, like other things, can and should fluctuate. An intense passion for something in life can be a constant but it can raise at one minute and dissipate the next. The essence of the passion does not disappear just the extremity of it. Intimacy is different from passion in the same way that it is different from love but you cannot really have intimacy without passion. One of the most wonderful things about intimacy is the sharing of individual passions. The more shared passions, the deeper the intimacy. Learing about shared passions increases and sustains the intimacy. That is the greatest commitment, that is a real commitment.
“The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy……and intimacy creates understanding….. and understanding creates love” – Anais Nin
How can you add to such statements? If love in its utter and most purest form is an ultimate aim then the intimacy of sharing and understanding will help to develop and sustain it. Values, truths, honesty, understanding – they all contribute.
“Enlightenment is an intimacy with all things” – Dogen Zenji
And finally, we have the statement that in some ways makes the previous writing nonsensical and redundant because intimacy is far greater than an intimacy with one human being, one individual, even oneself.
To be enlightened means sharing with all things. Enlightenment means having that connection with all things and not just a chosen few. Enlightenment is an intimacy with all things without a reliance on them. Enlightenment is a freedom from everything and a bond with all.
To talk about intimacy in the way that I have done is to talk about intimacy of relationships, of human relationships but real intimacy goes far beyond this narrow interpretation.
Intimacy is about oneself and the connection with the world. Intimacy is about making no demands and having no expectations. Intimacy is about the opening of the mind, the development of the self, the creation of the spirit,
If you manage to get these in an intimate with a special and loved person in your life, then you are a very fortunate soul indeed.
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It leaves me with nothing to say other than a brief explanation as to why Zenpuss has written about this rather than the more explicit sexually focussed writing.
Or does it need explaining at all?
Sex should not be uncomplicated and without thought.
In understanding one’s sexuality, one should consider the more intrinsic aspects of love, sex, honesty, intimacy.
In developing one’s attitude to sexual liaisons and relationships, one should be mindful of the complicated parts of life.
As far as young people are concerned, I think we should be very explicit about the fact that when you have penetrative sex you are feasibly penetrating far more that the physical conjoining of organs!
Sex is vital for me in a way that intimacy is. Sex and intimacy combined is integral for me and my understanding of the person that I am and the relationship that I can give and receive.
Intimacy is one of the most precious aspects of life in my opinion.
Intimacy of thought, intimacy of silence, intimacy of togetherness, intimacy of mind, body and soul.
Intimacy with someone that you care for and wholly connect with, intimacy with yourself; the knowledge and understanding of your being.
Intimacy can be intense, even frightening because of the extent of its oneness. Intimacy can bring such harmony but can also bring despair when its brilliance appears tarnished from time to time.
Intimacy is not about possession or falsehoods in feelings. It is a genuine connection of the highest order. It should not detract from privacy or be a burden that challenges liberty.
True intimacy requires intelligence; recognition of individual needs, appreciation of the self, acceptance of balance and rationale. True intimacy is intuitive to the point of seeming instinctual. It requires empathy, passion, selflessness, selfishness, honesty.
The dictionary, when describing intimacy offers words like closeness, familiarity, amorous, comfort, privacy and of course sexual intercourse.
It implies serenity, calm, togetherness, contentment, transparency.
It’s big!
To find intimacy in one’s life is a blessing but it is vital that it is realistic and accepting in the need of each and every one of us.
When thinking about intimacy recently, I was drawn to my usual habit of searching through the internet to read about others thoughts on intimacy and to see how the word is used and quoted throughout the ages. I will look individually at the quotes later.
Wikipedia, or its specific contributor, does a better job than me in defining intimacy but nobody should rely wholly on such definitions. They should consider what intimacy actually means for them, and in some ways, it is a very personal interpretation.
In reading something like Wikipedia, one should consider, think and hopefully react to some of the statements viewed. This is precisely what I have done.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_relationship
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_relationship
There are some statements within this piece of writing that I completely agree with like this one – “Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship”. For intimacy to be pure, it is vital to recognise this fundamental aspect of balance between separate and together. You cannot and should not expect intimacy to be a continual connection. Intimacy absolutely recognises the needs and desires of another but real intimacy isn’t about one person doing this. It is about two people doing this. That mutual appreciation and selflessness is key to maintaining intimacy, eradicating destructive emotions and being truly harmonious.
It is interesting though that the very first sentence used in the Wikipedia definition gives me cause to debate.
It says, “Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together”.
Luckily it continues to define this much more carefully but I worry about the word “belonging”.
Intimacy shouldn’t really have to “belong”.
Belong implies possession, holding, even stagnancy; none of which should be part of a true intimacy. There is no need for the word “belonging” in intimacy. In some ways, it goes without needing to be said. In others it is quite detrimental to intimacy to suggest that “belonging” is some ultimate motive for developing intimacy with another human being.
I don’t want to belong through intimacy. I don’t want another person feeling that they are beholden because of the intimacy that we share.
Intimacy just is.
In order to be completely intimate, there has to be some inward thinking too. How can you be transparent, honest, loving, giving if you have not had time, opportunity and willingness to look deeply within yourself? Intimacy of mind needs an individual to have a good look at themselves.
How can you expect someone to have an intimate relationship with you if you don’t understand, know and appreciate yourself? How can you share yourself before knowing what you are and who you are?
Of course, intimacy is also about sex.
There is sex and there is sex.
There is the raw need for penetration and there is the desire for something that connects on a completely different plane.
There is a difference between intimacy of the physical and intimacy of the mind within sex. When these run in parallel you can get pretty explosive mind-blowing sex where the soul and the spirit are driven to blissfulness by the ultimate wonderment of the physical, the thoughtful and the loving.
I like that sort of sex!
With sex though, that dual and triple intimacy can be separated on occasions.
Sexual penetration is pretty intimate in itself, even without the aspects of emotional intimacy.
One could argue that even the porn stars who fuck one another for money are being intimate in one way. They have lost all inhibitions about their physicality. I think diving into one another’s bodies is a pretty intimate thing to do. I think showering cum all over the place is a pretty intimate thing to do but maybe there is a need for a word that is different to “intimate” because fucking doesn’t really encompass it.
I actually feel very humbled by the sort of sex I described earlier; the one where the intimacy goes beyond the physical and makes that complete connection. I’m not convinced that everyone has experienced it, and in having done so myself, I feel, as I said, extremely humbled, even honoured.
But then intimacy is an honour in itself.
Can everyone have intimacy? Is everyone capable of intimacy? Can intimacy grow in unlikely places? Can it diminish as quickly as it has arrived?
Is it possible to give intimacy a universal definition or can this only be done by the individual or indeed the people within each unique relationship?
I’m not going to answer these but I am going to look at some of the comments from people to try and consider my own thoughts about intimacy. I don’t intend to come to any conclusions.
I just enjoy thinking and my comments are just those that are here for the moment. Tomorrow might bring completely different interpretations.
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“Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity” – Wikipedia
These are good words which is why I have included them in this short essay.
It is impossible to have intimacy without dialogue. You cannot know, understand and appreciate the depths of another human being without dialogue, without words and as importantly without listening. Dialogue is not a one way street. It needs two people to talk and listen, and then use this to think and consider.
Intimacy is absolutely about transparency. Without transparency you cannot be completely intimate and this does not detract from the need to hold onto something that is completely yours. Even with the most intimate of relationships, there is a desire and even a need to hold something back that is uniquely your thoughts and feelings. Transparency in intimacy does not and should not be interpreted as a giving away of one’s self but an ability to be honest. There should not be the unexpected in intimacy but then there should always be the opportunity for surprise. I love how complicated things can be sometimes in life.
Because of this total transparency and also, by default, a lack of it, there is bound to be some vulnerability in intimacy. It hovers there and unexpectedly challenges you from time to time.
Have I been too intimate, too giving of myself? Have I held back? Do we really have the intimacy that I thought we had? Has being this honest left me open and vulnerable?
Intimacy is only vulnerable when it becomes something that we rely upon. Intimacy becomes vulnerability when it is practised as an absolute attachment – back to belonging. Intimacy is perfectly able to exist in a non-attached way; in its purest form this should be the only way to exist harmoniously and intimately with another being.
If that is done then there has to be reciprocity. Intimacy, by very nature, cannot be one sided. If one person thinks that there is intimacy and the other deems this just as a positive closeness, then it is not real intimacy.
Intimacy is in that unspoken togetherness.
“Among men, sometimes sex results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex” – Barbra Cartland
Good old Babs! Pink and fluffy to the last! Mills and Boon’s Queen of Misunderstanding!
I would take offence at this if I could be bothered to be offended by a woman who has lived a completely surreal existence so far removed from the realities of everything I know about human beings as is possible. This is the woman that believes in some “happy ever after” scenario of Cinderella style stories, where fairy tales of love and connection are eternal, and that the world is full of perfect being meeting perfect being. I wonder if she ever ‘got’ Wayne and Waynetta that Harry Enfield so brilliantly portrayed. I wonder if those characters ever considered their “hintimacy”?
Disregarding the sexism, there is some purpose in including this statement.
Sometimes sex results in intimacy and sometimes intimacy results in sex. Sometimes they almost happen together if that is possible. Sometimes the intimacy grows with greater sexual contact, sometimes the lessening of inhibitions and thus further intimacy results in even greater sexual experiences. To equate one to men and one to women, though, is utterly absurd.
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy, it is the disposition alone” – Jane Austen
The quote goes on to say that intimacy is not dependent upon how long you have known someone. Obviously, intimacy can develop and deepen as time goes on.
I sometimes have the impression that I have a deep connection with someone that really could not possibly be more intimate, and then something happens to make me think that what I had previously thought as total intimacy was a mere shadow of the intimacy now.
There is, according to Austen, the possibility that two people can be intimate almost upon meeting one another. Maybe this is where the notion of love at first sight comes from. But love and intimacy are different, even though there is possibly a need for one to develop the other.
And maybe Ms. Austen is confusing intimacy with the potential for intimacy. Is there a possibility that when two people meet and there is this irrational connectivity that is unexplainable, it is not a sudden rush of being “in love” but a ephemeral glimpse of the feasibility of something far more potent and real than the simplicity and fleetingness of being in love?
“Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away” – Eric Berne
In real intimacy there should be no games. In real intimacy there should be no tricks or dilutions or plans or contrive.
Those who “play” intimacy are on very dodgy ground. Those who pretend an intimacy with another are, in my opinion, bordering on evil. The notion that someone can pretend to be intimate in order to keep intimacy at bay is quite disturbing, even if the game player is not entirely conscious that this is what they are doing.
This is why it is really important to look at a personal intimacy alongside and before entering into an intimate relationship.
“The true feeling of sex is that of deep intimacy, but above all of a deep complicity” – James Dickey
I liked this statement. Sexually, this is the type of thing that we should be saying to young people and to those who are thinking of entering into a sexual relationship.
Sex is so incredibly vital and important that it should not be entered into lightly or irresponsibly. If you are to experience the essence and total enjoyment of sex, I do believe that you have to have that “deep complicity”. You can enjoy sex without it. You can have bloody good sex without it but it isn’t the all-encompassing divinity of the real thing.
I waited for months to have sex with my lover, even though I think it was quite apparent to both of us that we were going to have sex and that we both wanted it.
From the moment that he slipped his clever little fingers into my pussy, I wanted him to fuck me. If I am honest, I probably wanted it even before then.
We could have had sex before we did. There were opportunities and they could easily have been taken but I’m glad that we didn’t.
The anticipation of when it finally happened created an intimacy in the first moment of penetration that was, to me at the time, almost inexplicable.
Of course it is complex. When you are intertwining the body, mind and soul, it bloody well should be!
“Intimacy is open access to your loved one’s mobile phone” – anonymous
It makes you think though, doesn’t it – albeit a totally made up and contemporary statement.
My mobile phone remains at my side at all times. It is not to be touched by anyone else. Nobody has access to it and there is only one person in my life who could, if requested, have complete access.
In the modern world then, if Kim Grove and her 60s comic strip of “Love is….. never having to say sorry!” (something that was made into a tagline for the “Love Story” film of 1970) were still in existence then maybe this is one that could be developed. “Love is……letting your lover have access to the personal phone”.
Love, of course, is different to intimacy.
And intimacy is very different from a denial or prevention of privacy.
I did think about this though the other day. I realised that I could, at any point, be perfectly happy to share the contents of my phone and my emails with just one other person in my life. I don’t think there is anything there that I have not shared with him already. Yet hidden somewhere, in moments of despondency, doubt or desolation, there may be some hidden writing that might annoy or upset him.
You cannot have total immersion in intimacy. You need to hold onto something of yourself, even those parts of you which you are least proud of.
Still, I would be happy to share my phone with him. But this is a personal choice.
Reciprocation was a word that was used earlier. Therefore, does it mean that because I am prepared to share the contents of my mobile phone with him that, by nature of our intimacy, he should be prepared to share the content of his with me?
The very simple answer to this is no.
It is no for a very serious reason.
At no point should intimacy pervade into another person’s privacy. Intimacy rather respects another person’s privacy. Intimacy understands the reasons why someone might not want to share the contents of their mobile phone, not because there is incriminating evidence or information but merely because it is their personal item, theirs and theirs alone.
If a person chooses to share the contents of their phone, that is entirely a different matter. If they choose to explain the secret thoughts, if they choose to share the communication they have with others then that is wonderful but ultimately it is their choice and in not doing so does not in any way negate the intimacy of the relationship.
On the other hand, if there is an intimacy within a relationship which means there are no significant secrets, then the sharing of emails and mobile phones would not cause any specific problems.
As I said, it is a choice thing.
“If ever a man and his wife, or a man and his mistress, who passes nights as well as days together, absolutely lay aside all good breeding, their intimacy will soon degenerate into a coarse familiarity, infallibly productive of contempt or disgust” – Lord Chesterfield
Sad but possibly true.
How do you maintain intimacy?
Unfortunately, I don’t spend enough time with my lover to degenerate the intimacy!
That is a deliberately flippant and provocative statement, and clearly not true.
Intimacy is about respect. In many cases, there is complacency in intimacy that completely negates it. In some cases, there is too much giving of one another that makes continued intimacy seemingly impossible. In other cases, people forget to nurture and reconnect which means that the intimacy dissolves unnoticed into the ether.
Relationships need work, even if it is subliminal. Relationships cannot always have that peak of intimacy. They, like people, like thoughts, ebb and flow. Real intimacy can do this too. It fluctuates in extent but never disappears altogether.
Intimacy is a fundamental essence of life for me. It does not have to degenerate into contempt but that requires an honesty and an openness that many are neither prepared nor able to give.
Can you love two people at the same time? Yes, I think that is possible, and when I am talking about love, I am talking about sexual and emotional attachment.
Can you be intimate with two people at the same time? I’m not sure, though clearly polygamists might think differently. I suppose it has something to do with the definition of ‘time’.
Maybe intimacy is all about the now – not the past, not the future, not the day before, not the day after tomorrow.
Intimacy is as much about the moment as it is about the longevity of connection.
True intimacy, however, I think almost surpasses time.
“I’m certain that most couples expect to find intimacy in marriage, but it somehow eludes them” – Dr. James C. Dobson
Or add a simple letter ‘d’ somewhere to get a completely different interpretation!
Rum pie, her peas – I giggle extensively at word play – a real human joy!
Intimacy in any long term relationship can be elusive if you are complacent about it. That is quite obvious and the terminology of marriage is an irrelevance. Most ‘couples’ most people in relationships possibly hope for an intimacy, some may even expect it but it doesn’t nurture and develop itself.
Put that ‘d’ in to the sentence and you have something else. Delusion is a serious problem too.
Some people are deluded into thinking that just because they have a long-term or alleged strong relationship, then intimacy just comes along as part of the equation.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Sometimes, the intimacy itself might be delusional too. I’m certain that some couples expect to find intimacy in relationships, but it somehow deludes them. Such intimacy is clearly not intimacy at all. Such “intimacy” gives them false security, makes them feel infallible, makes their relationship appear indestructible. Nobody should be that complacent.
“My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don’t know me, so who cares what they think?” – Garry Shandling
I chuckled considerably at this when I first read it.
On second reading, like all good comedic statements, it is based in a rawness of truth that gives the humour brilliance when the momentary quip has had its time.
Shandling is making the point, whether knowingly or not, that other people cannot possibly pass comment on another person’s need for intimacy. Furthermore, nobody can understand intimacy without looking at themselves and knowing themselves. How can you possibly expect to be intimate with another if you have no idea as to who you are?
He is also stating the fact that some of his friends think that they know him and therefore can make judgments on his needs but in actual fact, they only know a small fraction of the person that he is. That is no intimacy at all.
Who does care what they think? Why should he care what they think if they have the rudeness to assume that they know what is right for another human being?
“Interestingly, the best way to promote intimacy is to demand it” – George Weinberg
I’m not sure about this statement. I don’t think you can demand intimacy. It should develop of its own accord and certainly shouldn’t be manufactured. However, there are ways of demanding.
If you replace demand with “require” then that is slightly different. If you require or need intimacy and that is reciprocated by another, then all’s well and good. The promotion of intimacy will happen, but replacing the word “demand” with “expect” cannot work.
You cannot demand intimacy as much as you cannot demand that someone loves you. And yet, there is something in this sentence that makes some sense.
Maybe a personal demand of intimacy does promote it. Maybe the expectation of intimacy nurtures it in itself.
“Intimacy, as I am using it, is sharing my reality with you” – Keith Miller
I really like this statement because it is so simple and sums things up rather succinctly.
I share my reality with you therefore that is my offering of intimacy.
Being truly close and intimate with another human being has to be about sharing. But it goes way beyond the sharing of a bed, or the sharing of a mobile phone or even the sharing of thoughts.
To share oneself whilst respecting the need for personal privacy is the ultimate in intimacy.
How do you balance this? It is difficult.
However intimate you are with one person, can you really share absolutely every particle of yourself with another? Should you even want to do that? Isn’t intimacy about sharing a reality yet keeping something of yourself for only you?
I share my reality with my lover. I possibly do it too much. It sometimes gets me into trouble (with myself as well as him). But that is just who I am. That is about my need and not his.
He shares his reality with me, or at least some of it. I like the fact that there is still more sharing to do, and I still have more sharing to give.
It is a pathway and a road to sharing that intimacy enables. It is the sharing and the walking of the pathway that gives intimacy.
“Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still” – Robert Steinberg
Interpret this on an emotional level and it makes sense. Interpret it on a sexual level and there are lessons to be learned.
Natural highs are the ultimate form of satisfaction. Passion is the quickest to develop and if there is obtuse and unrealistic expectations on passion, then it can fade. But passion, like other things, can and should fluctuate. An intense passion for something in life can be a constant but it can raise at one minute and dissipate the next. The essence of the passion does not disappear just the extremity of it. Intimacy is different from passion in the same way that it is different from love but you cannot really have intimacy without passion. One of the most wonderful things about intimacy is the sharing of individual passions. The more shared passions, the deeper the intimacy. Learing about shared passions increases and sustains the intimacy. That is the greatest commitment, that is a real commitment.
“The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy……and intimacy creates understanding….. and understanding creates love” – Anais Nin
How can you add to such statements? If love in its utter and most purest form is an ultimate aim then the intimacy of sharing and understanding will help to develop and sustain it. Values, truths, honesty, understanding – they all contribute.
“Enlightenment is an intimacy with all things” – Dogen Zenji
And finally, we have the statement that in some ways makes the previous writing nonsensical and redundant because intimacy is far greater than an intimacy with one human being, one individual, even oneself.
To be enlightened means sharing with all things. Enlightenment means having that connection with all things and not just a chosen few. Enlightenment is an intimacy with all things without a reliance on them. Enlightenment is a freedom from everything and a bond with all.
To talk about intimacy in the way that I have done is to talk about intimacy of relationships, of human relationships but real intimacy goes far beyond this narrow interpretation.
Intimacy is about oneself and the connection with the world. Intimacy is about making no demands and having no expectations. Intimacy is about the opening of the mind, the development of the self, the creation of the spirit,
If you manage to get these in an intimate with a special and loved person in your life, then you are a very fortunate soul indeed.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
It leaves me with nothing to say other than a brief explanation as to why Zenpuss has written about this rather than the more explicit sexually focussed writing.
Or does it need explaining at all?
Sex should not be uncomplicated and without thought.
In understanding one’s sexuality, one should consider the more intrinsic aspects of love, sex, honesty, intimacy.
In developing one’s attitude to sexual liaisons and relationships, one should be mindful of the complicated parts of life.
As far as young people are concerned, I think we should be very explicit about the fact that when you have penetrative sex you are feasibly penetrating far more that the physical conjoining of organs!
Sex is vital for me in a way that intimacy is. Sex and intimacy combined is integral for me and my understanding of the person that I am and the relationship that I can give and receive.
Sunday, 28 March 2010
Sexual Counselling Part One
I see a woman in a room. She has her back to me but she knows I am there. She is wearing a white shirt and a pair of black panties.
I watch as she slowly drags them down her legs, steps out of them and turns around to greet me with her fulsome tits and a shaven pussy. She nervously moves her fingers towards her cunt, looking at me for encouragement, still wearing the white shirt as a clear contrast to her tanned body.
I nod towards her cunt and she guides her finger over her clitoris, biting her lower lip in nervous anticipation.
She places herself on the low chair, straddles her legs apart to give me a full sight of her pink and excited pussy wings.
“Now what?” she asks timidly.
“Reach inside”, I say. “Pull you labia back and let me see”.
She expertly divides her skin and reaches inside herself with one singular digit. She moves it softly in and out, moistening her finger with every stroke.
“Take another finger inside” I say. “Stroke your insides and see if you can feel that erect bulge.”
“Can you feel it?” “How does it feel?”
“It feels good, I think” she responds. “Oh yes, I can feel it thickening. Wow!”
I move towards her and kneel in front of her so that I can get a closer look at what she is doing.
I tell her to move further down the chair so that her buttocks are edged towards the rim.
“Widen your legs further and push the fingers in deeper. Don’t rush it. Take your time. Feel the energy of the growing climax. Now reach in deep as though you are trying to wank your clitoris from the other side. Press hard. Feel the orgasm rising”.
She looks directly at me and rubs herself hard, not too hard, being careful to ensure that she is doing as I had directed, reaching inside herself to find the sensation spots.
“Now close your eyes. Imagine that your lover is here. Imagine that it is his fingers that are deep inside you. Imagine how much he is enjoying your cunt getting this juicy. Imagine how much he would like to be sitting where I am, waiting for your climax. How badly do you want his cock right now? How much do you wish that his juicy cock was dribbling in front of you? How much would you like him to be fucking you right now, withdrawing just in time to shoot his stuff all over your tits?
Think about him fucking you. Go on, rub harder. Use your imagination. Fuck yourself just like he does. See him watching you do it. Go for it girl. Push harder”.
Whilst she was going for it, I had already inserted my own fingers into my own cunt, such was the excitement at my encouragement for her.
“I’m cumming” she said and as she did, she dribbled a small but clearly visible ejaculation from her pussy. Speckles of cunt juice trickled onto white towel on the floor and she looked down in fascinated glee.
“Oh fuck, I’ve peed!” she screamed.
“No you haven’t!” I said. “Remember we completely emptied your bladder beforehand. Look at the towel. It’s not even the colour of urine. Get down and smell it. I assure you, it is not piss.”
Unassured, she reached down to inspect her juices. An inquisitive glance towards me, and she smiled.
“It looks pretty clear!” she said.
“It’s a good start” I said “but I think you could shower him. You have that capability and that is why you are here isn’t it?”
“Can you show me how?” she asked.
In a way, I was hoping that she would ask. I was already aroused by seeing her excitement, knowing that it was my instruction, my words and her memories that had brought her to climax.
“I can but you are going to have to talk to me. Just as I spoke to you – the cruder the better!”
“I’m not sure I can” she responded.
“Try!” I said as I pulled my skirt up and sat where she had been a few minutes before.
I slid my backside down, whipped my legs over the side of the chair and whacked a couple of fingers up my cunt. Slowly I stroked myself, withdrawing my fingers to rub my clit, then returning them to my juiced up body.
“Talk!” I demanded.
“What shall I say?” she asked.
“Tell me how you are feeling, watching me wank. Tell me what you think of my cunt. Tell me what you see and how sexy you feel.”
“I can’t believe how sexy I feel” she said. “I’m so fucking turned on by this. I’ve never seen a woman wank herself. Do you like me watching? Do you want cock right now? Wow, you’re so swollen and so wet….. fucking hell!”
I withdrew my fingers and pressed hard on my clit just at the point of a huge ejaculation that projected straight out of my cunt, spraying all over the towel beneath and speckling her knees with a small spotlet of my sensational cum.
The first ejaculation was rapidly followed by a stream of cum that soaked the towel.
“Fucking hell!” she repeated. “How the fuck do you do that?”
Once I had gathered myself together, I told her. I knew my body. I knew when it needed to cum and when it needed to emit fluids. The two were separate but when they happened together it was sensational. It was like nothing else in the world.
I told her that I fucked my own mind to climax. I thought of my desired cock, how it thrust inside of me, right up to my G-Spot, which really did exist. I told her how I remembered the depth of feeling and the warmth of his cock as he fucked me hard and fucked me slowly. In remembering I was aroused.
I admitted to her that I was aroused by her sexuality and the sight of her pussy, though I would obviously not fuck a client.
She listened and thought.
“I’d like to try again” she said “but I am not sure I would be able to cum again so quickly”.
“You will. In time”, I said.
She gathered her clothes together, returned her panties to her cunt, popped her skirt back on, removed her shirt to reattach her bra, and having paid her money, she was walking towards the door.
“Can you fit me in the same time next week?” she asked.
“I certainly can”, I responded.
“And can you do the photo thing too?” she asked.
“I think that can be arranged” I said.
“If you want me to be in the photos as well, my business partner will happily be the photographer, as we discussed earlier”.
“What if he gets aroused whilst taking the photos?” she asked.
I explained that was entirely up to her. If she didn’t want to see him wanking, he would take his stiffy to another room and masturbate himself. Alternatively, I would follow him out of the room and do it for him. However, if it would arouse her further to see how excited he was by taking these photos, he would wank away as he was filming, if that is what she wanted.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
It’s a dream. Possibly a rather far fetched one but I rather like the idea of being a proactive sexual counsellor, offering women the chance to develop their sexuality in a safe environment where they can learn about their bodies and their capacity to cum.
The dream reaches into another realm when I consider the utter joy of sharing this counselling service with my lover, where I can offer his services to arouse beautiful frigid women (we’d only have women that we found attractive) – all part of the service, and not just from behind a camera lens. My cunt is pretty aroused at the thought.
It’s a good dream. It’s a horny and exciting one but there is a little truth in it all in so far that I am genuinely concerned that more women should know the joys of ejaculation.
Nearly a year ago, I wrote a piece on this blog about soaking balls.
http://zenpuss.blogspot.com/2009/06/soaking-balls.html
Please re-read and see how far we have moved forward in a year.
This phenomenon is not unique. I am not the only person who squirts and I do not do it only once a fuck. I somehow have the capacity to juice up pretty quickly these days, such is my state of arousal.
I’ve finally come to accept that it is perfectly normal for me to ejaculate twice or three times in the middle of sex. I am confident that what I emit is not piss and I am telling you that the vaginal orgasm does exist.
It happens when he inserts his fingers and touches the button immaculately. It happens when he sensitises my pussy with his fingers and follows in with his big cock to make me gush.
I gush when I am lying on my back and I can feel the juices trickling under my arse.
I gush when I ride his cock and splash copious juices all over his balls.
We’ve moved around in the bed after sex and found pools of cum in places that are far beyond where our bodies have been.
The other day, I desperately tried to move the duvet in time but to no avail. I left a sopping wet patch on it as the gush rushed out of me at a rate of knots.
This is not an unusual phenomenon and it is about time that women spoke out.
Here’s a slight confession. When I first watched porn, I found it really difficult to believe that the women I was watching were genuinely emitting the amount of fluid that they were. I thought that they had beautifully toned pelvic muscles that could retain a bucket full of water that had been inserted before the cameras started rolling, so that when the film started they could just shove it out. Or that they had some sort of vessel inserted inside that when pressed sprayed in this glorious manner.
Of course, some sites do just that but the reason I thought this was happening was because I couldn’t believe that anyone could emit that amount of fluid in one session? I didn’t believe that it could project that much but that was before I fucked like that. That was before I had sprayed bodies, jeans, floors, carpets and towels with my hurried cums.
I’m not unique. Everyone probably has the capacity and capability to cum like me.
What I would really love to do, was realise this for women throughout the land.
In order to do this, we still have to clarify once and for all that fuck juice ejaculation is not urine. Even if it were, it wouldn’t bother me but I know it would others.
In the meantime, wouldn’t it be great if we could establish some sort of safe counselling services for woman who just want to know their bodies better and are happy for a little glorious sexual recreation whilst they do so?
I watch as she slowly drags them down her legs, steps out of them and turns around to greet me with her fulsome tits and a shaven pussy. She nervously moves her fingers towards her cunt, looking at me for encouragement, still wearing the white shirt as a clear contrast to her tanned body.
I nod towards her cunt and she guides her finger over her clitoris, biting her lower lip in nervous anticipation.
She places herself on the low chair, straddles her legs apart to give me a full sight of her pink and excited pussy wings.
“Now what?” she asks timidly.
“Reach inside”, I say. “Pull you labia back and let me see”.
She expertly divides her skin and reaches inside herself with one singular digit. She moves it softly in and out, moistening her finger with every stroke.
“Take another finger inside” I say. “Stroke your insides and see if you can feel that erect bulge.”
“Can you feel it?” “How does it feel?”
“It feels good, I think” she responds. “Oh yes, I can feel it thickening. Wow!”
I move towards her and kneel in front of her so that I can get a closer look at what she is doing.
I tell her to move further down the chair so that her buttocks are edged towards the rim.
“Widen your legs further and push the fingers in deeper. Don’t rush it. Take your time. Feel the energy of the growing climax. Now reach in deep as though you are trying to wank your clitoris from the other side. Press hard. Feel the orgasm rising”.
She looks directly at me and rubs herself hard, not too hard, being careful to ensure that she is doing as I had directed, reaching inside herself to find the sensation spots.
“Now close your eyes. Imagine that your lover is here. Imagine that it is his fingers that are deep inside you. Imagine how much he is enjoying your cunt getting this juicy. Imagine how much he would like to be sitting where I am, waiting for your climax. How badly do you want his cock right now? How much do you wish that his juicy cock was dribbling in front of you? How much would you like him to be fucking you right now, withdrawing just in time to shoot his stuff all over your tits?
Think about him fucking you. Go on, rub harder. Use your imagination. Fuck yourself just like he does. See him watching you do it. Go for it girl. Push harder”.
Whilst she was going for it, I had already inserted my own fingers into my own cunt, such was the excitement at my encouragement for her.
“I’m cumming” she said and as she did, she dribbled a small but clearly visible ejaculation from her pussy. Speckles of cunt juice trickled onto white towel on the floor and she looked down in fascinated glee.
“Oh fuck, I’ve peed!” she screamed.
“No you haven’t!” I said. “Remember we completely emptied your bladder beforehand. Look at the towel. It’s not even the colour of urine. Get down and smell it. I assure you, it is not piss.”
Unassured, she reached down to inspect her juices. An inquisitive glance towards me, and she smiled.
“It looks pretty clear!” she said.
“It’s a good start” I said “but I think you could shower him. You have that capability and that is why you are here isn’t it?”
“Can you show me how?” she asked.
In a way, I was hoping that she would ask. I was already aroused by seeing her excitement, knowing that it was my instruction, my words and her memories that had brought her to climax.
“I can but you are going to have to talk to me. Just as I spoke to you – the cruder the better!”
“I’m not sure I can” she responded.
“Try!” I said as I pulled my skirt up and sat where she had been a few minutes before.
I slid my backside down, whipped my legs over the side of the chair and whacked a couple of fingers up my cunt. Slowly I stroked myself, withdrawing my fingers to rub my clit, then returning them to my juiced up body.
“Talk!” I demanded.
“What shall I say?” she asked.
“Tell me how you are feeling, watching me wank. Tell me what you think of my cunt. Tell me what you see and how sexy you feel.”
“I can’t believe how sexy I feel” she said. “I’m so fucking turned on by this. I’ve never seen a woman wank herself. Do you like me watching? Do you want cock right now? Wow, you’re so swollen and so wet….. fucking hell!”
I withdrew my fingers and pressed hard on my clit just at the point of a huge ejaculation that projected straight out of my cunt, spraying all over the towel beneath and speckling her knees with a small spotlet of my sensational cum.
The first ejaculation was rapidly followed by a stream of cum that soaked the towel.
“Fucking hell!” she repeated. “How the fuck do you do that?”
Once I had gathered myself together, I told her. I knew my body. I knew when it needed to cum and when it needed to emit fluids. The two were separate but when they happened together it was sensational. It was like nothing else in the world.
I told her that I fucked my own mind to climax. I thought of my desired cock, how it thrust inside of me, right up to my G-Spot, which really did exist. I told her how I remembered the depth of feeling and the warmth of his cock as he fucked me hard and fucked me slowly. In remembering I was aroused.
I admitted to her that I was aroused by her sexuality and the sight of her pussy, though I would obviously not fuck a client.
She listened and thought.
“I’d like to try again” she said “but I am not sure I would be able to cum again so quickly”.
“You will. In time”, I said.
She gathered her clothes together, returned her panties to her cunt, popped her skirt back on, removed her shirt to reattach her bra, and having paid her money, she was walking towards the door.
“Can you fit me in the same time next week?” she asked.
“I certainly can”, I responded.
“And can you do the photo thing too?” she asked.
“I think that can be arranged” I said.
“If you want me to be in the photos as well, my business partner will happily be the photographer, as we discussed earlier”.
“What if he gets aroused whilst taking the photos?” she asked.
I explained that was entirely up to her. If she didn’t want to see him wanking, he would take his stiffy to another room and masturbate himself. Alternatively, I would follow him out of the room and do it for him. However, if it would arouse her further to see how excited he was by taking these photos, he would wank away as he was filming, if that is what she wanted.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
It’s a dream. Possibly a rather far fetched one but I rather like the idea of being a proactive sexual counsellor, offering women the chance to develop their sexuality in a safe environment where they can learn about their bodies and their capacity to cum.
The dream reaches into another realm when I consider the utter joy of sharing this counselling service with my lover, where I can offer his services to arouse beautiful frigid women (we’d only have women that we found attractive) – all part of the service, and not just from behind a camera lens. My cunt is pretty aroused at the thought.
It’s a good dream. It’s a horny and exciting one but there is a little truth in it all in so far that I am genuinely concerned that more women should know the joys of ejaculation.
Nearly a year ago, I wrote a piece on this blog about soaking balls.
http://zenpuss.blogspot.com/2009/06/soaking-balls.html
Please re-read and see how far we have moved forward in a year.
This phenomenon is not unique. I am not the only person who squirts and I do not do it only once a fuck. I somehow have the capacity to juice up pretty quickly these days, such is my state of arousal.
I’ve finally come to accept that it is perfectly normal for me to ejaculate twice or three times in the middle of sex. I am confident that what I emit is not piss and I am telling you that the vaginal orgasm does exist.
It happens when he inserts his fingers and touches the button immaculately. It happens when he sensitises my pussy with his fingers and follows in with his big cock to make me gush.
I gush when I am lying on my back and I can feel the juices trickling under my arse.
I gush when I ride his cock and splash copious juices all over his balls.
We’ve moved around in the bed after sex and found pools of cum in places that are far beyond where our bodies have been.
The other day, I desperately tried to move the duvet in time but to no avail. I left a sopping wet patch on it as the gush rushed out of me at a rate of knots.
This is not an unusual phenomenon and it is about time that women spoke out.
Here’s a slight confession. When I first watched porn, I found it really difficult to believe that the women I was watching were genuinely emitting the amount of fluid that they were. I thought that they had beautifully toned pelvic muscles that could retain a bucket full of water that had been inserted before the cameras started rolling, so that when the film started they could just shove it out. Or that they had some sort of vessel inserted inside that when pressed sprayed in this glorious manner.
Of course, some sites do just that but the reason I thought this was happening was because I couldn’t believe that anyone could emit that amount of fluid in one session? I didn’t believe that it could project that much but that was before I fucked like that. That was before I had sprayed bodies, jeans, floors, carpets and towels with my hurried cums.
I’m not unique. Everyone probably has the capacity and capability to cum like me.
What I would really love to do, was realise this for women throughout the land.
In order to do this, we still have to clarify once and for all that fuck juice ejaculation is not urine. Even if it were, it wouldn’t bother me but I know it would others.
In the meantime, wouldn’t it be great if we could establish some sort of safe counselling services for woman who just want to know their bodies better and are happy for a little glorious sexual recreation whilst they do so?
Saturday, 27 March 2010
March Musings
Matt on Marriage
Actor Matt Damon has come out and said something about marriage.
“It’s a ridiculous idea” says the man. “Because it’s crazy – to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.”
Matt Damon is happily married, has no apparent intention of leaving his wife and two daughters and explains unreservedly that his wife is the best thing that has ever happened to him. And yet he still declares that marriage is unworkable, ridiculous and conceptually insane.
Well done, Mr. Damon. You have started something but who is going to take this statement to a logical debate? Who is there out there who is going to question it further, concluding one way or the other about its purpose, its stability as the mainstay of family life and sexual fulfilment?
I’m not sure that I am that person but I would like to have a stab at setting a debate of sorts.
I think that Matt Damon is saying something rather important.
Those who choose to get married do so with the notion that they have found a life partner that they would like to spend the rest of their lives with. They have come to the conclusion that they do not desire or want another partner and that this is how they want to live their life.
Or do they?
Is this the absolute reason why people choose to get married?
Are there not other factors in play?
Do people get married because it is the thing to do, the expectation rather than what they actually want?
A friend of mine recently told me that he got married because everyone else was doing so. It wasn’t that he felt he was going to miss the boat. He just felt that he was expected to find a wife, marry her, have children and live happily ever after.
At the time when his friends were getting married, he had been in a relationship for a couple of years. It appeared that the next stage of endorsement for the relationship was the matrimony. He married his girlfriend, not because she was “the one” but because she happened to be around at the time.
Another friend of mine also recently told me that he got married because he wanted to have children. To do so out of wedlock would not have been right. He did the expected, got married with full pomp and ceremony and duly fathered two delightful children.
Another friend got married because he believed in the dream. He loved his partner. He thought that his life was secure and stable and that he would never want to feel sexual or emotional intimacy with another woman. He loved his woman completely and he wanted to tell the world that this was his chosen woman.
None of these friends are still with their wives.
Friend number one tried really hard to maintain the relationship but the truth of the matter was that he never really had that intimacy and affinity with his wife, even when they were dating.
Friend number two had thought that he was doing the right thing. He thought that he could maintain a relationship for life but there was something lacking that made him look elsewhere, despite the fact that he loved his wife and desperately wanted to be there for his children.
Friend number three did love his wife too. He had married her for all the supposed correct reasons, i.e. he loved her, wanted to share all of his passions with her.
He changed.
He didn’t turn into a monster. He didn’t lose all of his moral grounding. He didn’t change in a negative way. He simply changed.
The man who married at the age of 28 was not the same man who divorced at the age of 42. They were incomparable people yet were the same person. The 28 year old had grown. That is all, and because of this, he had outgrown what he deemed to be an outmoded existence that did not fulfil him.
Each one of my friends has, in their own way, understood the craziness of the concept of marriage.
It hasn’t worked for any of them, and just like Matt Damon suggested would be the case for him, none of them has rushed back into another marriage. None of them wants to get remarried. In fact, none of these three even live with their current partners of fuck buddies.
It is absolutely right to consider the absurdity of expecting that a couple of people who constantly live together do not have their moments of distress with one another. There has to be times when life is not as positive as it once was but that is not to say that one disagreement or discretion means that the relationship is doomed to termination.
The same could equally be said of couples who do not live together. A relationship cannot be on a permanent high. There has to be times when the connection is slightly tempered by other factors, however hard that is to accept.
Ultimately, the trick is being able to talk about it and not pretend that there is nothing wrong.
If only people would be honest with one another about the state of their relationship and how they feel, it would make life so much easier to manage. It may be painful to acknowledge that your partner is not attracted to you, either on a temporary or permanent basis, but it is far easier to intelligently manage this than be confronted by an intuition that is twisting and turning a range of notions and ideas in your head.
This is precisely what is happening to a friend currently.
Maybe Matt Damon is only half right. Let’s replace the word ‘marriage’ with ‘relationship’. Does the actual ceremony take away from the fact that as human beings we have a difficulty in sustaining long-term partnerships?
If we know that marriages or relationships are ridiculous and that spending a life time with one partner is bound to bring about times when you want to throttle someone, why on earth do we continue to place this type of relationship on a pedestal, providing generation after generation with an unrealistic, unattainable expectation? It is not fair!
Having said all of the above, it doesn’t mean to say that it is unworkable.
For the three friends that I previously mentioned, I have three more where their marriages work impeccably. For the three friends I have mentioned previously, I have three more that have marriages that rock to and fro yet exist in one form or another without provocation or angst.
For the three friends who have walked away from their marriages determined to remain single, I have three more who have found intimacy and love with others. Just because one marriage or even two or three relationships do not work, it doesn’t mean to say that a monogamous relationship will never work. Nothing is or should be set in stone.
Matt Damon recognises the ludicrous expectations of marriage yet is prepared to have a go at it because, for him and for his wife, that is what they have chosen to expect.
But why do we never consider the alternatives?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Bigamy
Here’s another question.
Why is it illegal to be a bigamist yet you cannot get sent to prison for having an extra-marital relationship?
I was thinking about this the other day whilst driving through suburbia, full of semi-detached houses with the nuclear family of mum, dad and 2.4 children residing in these havens of potential unreality.
As I drove down a road with hundreds of houses lining either side of the street, I wondered how many of the residents were truly monogamous. When I am talking about monogamy here, I am thinking about those who have not had a sexual kiss, fuck or fondle with another person other than their partner. Obviously, I assume that everyone has had a mind fuck about having sex with someone else, even it is the cliché of a grope with George Clooney or a pondering of what really lies beneath Kylie Minogue’s gold lame hot pants.
Why is bigamy illegal? Is it because it is morally corrupt? In which case, as I said, why are those of us who fuck around not being sent to either a prison or hospital to pay repentance for our sins or to be cured of our over-indulgent libido?
Is bigamy illegal because there are some monetary implications in it? I don’t think so.
Is bigamy illegal to prevent dishonesty and protect innocent human beings from being abused in some way? Possibly but that still doesn’t explain why additional sexual relationships are acceptable, at least in the eyes of the law.
Quite frankly, going back to Mr. Damon, I cannot understand why anyone would want to get married twice. I certainly wouldn’t want to get married again, and I cannot see why someone would want to marry two people other than to confirm some sort of parity in affection between the two people in his or her life. And isn’t that bizarre in itself? As I have said before, I adore being told that I am wanted and needed. I adore the genuine affirmation that comes when a connection between two people is so right but why on earth would I need another marriage to do that?
I want to hear words and I want the affection and intimacy demonstrated in real things, not a piece of paper that allegedly ties one person to another.
But then, I’m not sure that anyone should be tied to another human being at all – unless you fancy a little bondage of course.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Breaking Hearts
A friend spoke to me about her lover. She was explaining that he had told her he was frightened of “breaking her heart”. He explained how he did not want her to leave her husband, not because he didn’t love her but because he couldn’t really cope with that sort of pressure.
He wanted to maintain his freedom at all costs but he also had commitments to his children and to the mothers of his children that meant he just couldn’t give the type of commitment that he thought my friend required.
He said that he thought her desires and needs would ultimately lead to him breaking her heart as he would undoubtedly reject her at some point.
On one hand, one has to admire his honesty. On another hand – what an egotistical prat! Who on earth does he think he is to presume that he has the power to make or break this woman? Does she not have a mind of her own?
Some months ago, I was given a timely reminder that I was responsible for my happiness; no-one else. It was spelled out to me quite clearly. It was something that I should consider absolutely.
It was the right thing to say.
My happiness is of my own making. Naturally, some people contribute to that but ultimately it is me that chooses to either be happy or not.
So what does that all say about broken hearts? Bloody stupid phrase, by the way!
Realistically, the only person who can break your heart is – you!
Others might put a dirty great big spanner in the works but it is up to you how you manage this and how you move forward. Just as with any mental illness, being in love is something that has to be dealt with by the person foolish enough to fall into such unrealistic states.
But of course, it is not quite that straight forward. If not responsibility, there has to be some consideration from others who contribute to your state of wellbeing. A society totally focused on the passion and requirements of the individual without any consideration for others is not a positive place to be. Doing good for and by others has to be a societal pleasure!
All of this made me think about a film I once saw starring John Malkovich and Michelle Pfeiffer.
If you have never seen this movie, then do so. It is an intriguing look at the dimensions of relationships, power, greed, love, expectations, societal norms and so forth.
Here is the summary from www.imdb.com (another must for those who are interested in films).
Set in France around 1760, the Marquise de Merteuil needs a favour from her ex-lover, Vicomte de Valmont. One of the Marquise de Merteuil's ex-lovers, Gercourt, is betrothed to a young, virtuous, woman called Cecile de Volanges. The Marquise would like Valmont to seduce Cecile before her wedding day, thus humiliating Gercourt. Meanwhile, Valmont has a conquest of his own in mind: Madame de Tourvel, a beautiful, married, and God fearing woman. The Marquise doesn't think that Valmont can seduce Mme de Tourvel. She tells him that if he can provide written proof of a sexual encounter with Mme de Tourvel, she will offer him a reward: one last night with her. Valmont, however, will find himself falling in love with Mme de Tourvel, and facing the deadly jealousy of the Marquise de Merteuil. All along, Cecile de Volanges is used as a pawn in this game of sexual conquest and scorned love.
Malkovich (Vicomte de Valmont) goes about getting the beautiful Pfeiffer to fall in love with him.
Spoiler alert for those who do not wish to know what happens.
She does fall in love with him, to the point of utter despair when she cannot see him and when he tells her that he no longer loves her, or possibly that he never loved her in the first place.
And yet, on returning to the Marquis he says, “I ended by falling on my knees and pledging her eternal love. And do you know that, at that time, and for several hours afterwards, I actually meant it.” (Ho, ho – how true! Or no ho-ho’s at all. How utterly sad that he couldn’t admit to his love lasting a darn sight longer than several hours).
Madame de Touvel’s heart does get broken, irretrievably.
When I first watched this film, I thought this a little far fetched. How could anyone suffer physical ailment because of a lack of love? Could someone really die of a broken heart? Could this woman really be that pathetic?
I have since softened my approach to her and her demise.
I still think it is impossible to believe in other people breaking your heart. As I stated previously, is it not within each of us to be responsible for our own happiness? Of course this is the case. A broken hearted person manages the heart from within; using the body, the mind and the soul to either further damage or recuperate. The perpetrator has not done the damage. They have merely instigated it.
But poor Michelle, I couldn’t get out of my mind. For years and years, this character has sat uncomfortably on my mind.
I think we’re back to libidos folks – just as I was mentioning in the story that I wrote recently.
I am now suggesting that Madame de Touvel did not die of a broken heart because the Vicomte rejected her. She died of a broken heart because she could not manage her desires.
She died of an expectation and a hope.
This man had come along, awakening her from a sexual hibernation, had declared his passionate and in my opinion, his absolute and genuine affection for her, and had then deliberately buggered off, warping and manipulating her mind, and knowing that he was doing so.
Through him, she had found a desire for sex that was almost painful when it was unattainable. Through him, she had found a taste for life that she did not know existed.
Now one could argue, quite rightly, that she shouldn’t have been so damned dependant, and that she should have used this newfound desire for life more effectively.
But one can understand and even empathise with her position on this.
It wasn’t very pleasant of the Vicomte to declare his absolute passion for the woman one week and then either feign or genuinely offer her indifference the next. Maybe he had a sudden fit of cold feet, feeling that what he had said was too honest for him to deal with let alone her, but that does not excuse what he did next.
What this man had given her, and then possibly unbeknowingly robbed her of was a path in life that she did not know had existed for her. She had been married to a much older man with little interest in her or sex. She had been utterly devoted to and indoctrinated by the beliefs of the church. Her insular and insulated life offered her no escape for thoughts or feelings and all of a sudden, she saw a new route.
Sadly for her, she chose to consider this route only with him in mind. When that was clearly not within his expectation or desire or ability, then she could not cope.
Her death was brought on by an absolute helplessness of ever being able to travel along the route that she knew was the right one for her. Due to a misguided and hopeless belief in love, she and indeed the viewers, assumed that her heart was broken by a man who spurred her love.
It really wasn’t and isn’t that simple.
Yet again, we have an example of the gross expectations we humans place upon one another without the ability to communicate effectively in either maintaining relationships or running away from them.
As for my friend, she’s not going to die of a broken heart. This man is not her soul-mate, whatever she may currently think, and because of that he will not break her heart. And even if he was her soul-mate, then she is shrewd enough to fall down, pick herself up and move forward.
Basically, she just likes the good fuck that he gives her.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
And talking of good fucks……
I realised that with all my pontificating about monogamy and relationships recently, I have seriously neglected talking about orgasms and fucks in recent postings.
I will make amends shortly. I’m not sure how I am going to make amends but I will think on and hopefully post something soon.
I think perhaps though, it will be based around an arousal that takes place from time to time which elevates me to a state of total ecstasy. I want to shortly explain what happens to me when I incontrollably spurt my fuck juices all over the place and for many prolonged seconds. I want to explain how fucking good it feels to have orgasm after orgasm, still emitting such quantities of liquid that physiologically seem impossible.
Men and women out there, I will explain what sadly still seems to be ignored or acknowledged; that women can fill buckets if they are fucking in the right way.
Perhaps that is what actually killed Madame de Tourvel. She’d had a sopping wet orgasm for the first time in her life, and nobody had bothered to explain how it happened, how it could happen again and if all else failed, how she could DIY.
Actor Matt Damon has come out and said something about marriage.
“It’s a ridiculous idea” says the man. “Because it’s crazy – to spend your life with one person and not be totally driven crazy.”
Matt Damon is happily married, has no apparent intention of leaving his wife and two daughters and explains unreservedly that his wife is the best thing that has ever happened to him. And yet he still declares that marriage is unworkable, ridiculous and conceptually insane.
Well done, Mr. Damon. You have started something but who is going to take this statement to a logical debate? Who is there out there who is going to question it further, concluding one way or the other about its purpose, its stability as the mainstay of family life and sexual fulfilment?
I’m not sure that I am that person but I would like to have a stab at setting a debate of sorts.
I think that Matt Damon is saying something rather important.
Those who choose to get married do so with the notion that they have found a life partner that they would like to spend the rest of their lives with. They have come to the conclusion that they do not desire or want another partner and that this is how they want to live their life.
Or do they?
Is this the absolute reason why people choose to get married?
Are there not other factors in play?
Do people get married because it is the thing to do, the expectation rather than what they actually want?
A friend of mine recently told me that he got married because everyone else was doing so. It wasn’t that he felt he was going to miss the boat. He just felt that he was expected to find a wife, marry her, have children and live happily ever after.
At the time when his friends were getting married, he had been in a relationship for a couple of years. It appeared that the next stage of endorsement for the relationship was the matrimony. He married his girlfriend, not because she was “the one” but because she happened to be around at the time.
Another friend of mine also recently told me that he got married because he wanted to have children. To do so out of wedlock would not have been right. He did the expected, got married with full pomp and ceremony and duly fathered two delightful children.
Another friend got married because he believed in the dream. He loved his partner. He thought that his life was secure and stable and that he would never want to feel sexual or emotional intimacy with another woman. He loved his woman completely and he wanted to tell the world that this was his chosen woman.
None of these friends are still with their wives.
Friend number one tried really hard to maintain the relationship but the truth of the matter was that he never really had that intimacy and affinity with his wife, even when they were dating.
Friend number two had thought that he was doing the right thing. He thought that he could maintain a relationship for life but there was something lacking that made him look elsewhere, despite the fact that he loved his wife and desperately wanted to be there for his children.
Friend number three did love his wife too. He had married her for all the supposed correct reasons, i.e. he loved her, wanted to share all of his passions with her.
He changed.
He didn’t turn into a monster. He didn’t lose all of his moral grounding. He didn’t change in a negative way. He simply changed.
The man who married at the age of 28 was not the same man who divorced at the age of 42. They were incomparable people yet were the same person. The 28 year old had grown. That is all, and because of this, he had outgrown what he deemed to be an outmoded existence that did not fulfil him.
Each one of my friends has, in their own way, understood the craziness of the concept of marriage.
It hasn’t worked for any of them, and just like Matt Damon suggested would be the case for him, none of them has rushed back into another marriage. None of them wants to get remarried. In fact, none of these three even live with their current partners of fuck buddies.
It is absolutely right to consider the absurdity of expecting that a couple of people who constantly live together do not have their moments of distress with one another. There has to be times when life is not as positive as it once was but that is not to say that one disagreement or discretion means that the relationship is doomed to termination.
The same could equally be said of couples who do not live together. A relationship cannot be on a permanent high. There has to be times when the connection is slightly tempered by other factors, however hard that is to accept.
Ultimately, the trick is being able to talk about it and not pretend that there is nothing wrong.
If only people would be honest with one another about the state of their relationship and how they feel, it would make life so much easier to manage. It may be painful to acknowledge that your partner is not attracted to you, either on a temporary or permanent basis, but it is far easier to intelligently manage this than be confronted by an intuition that is twisting and turning a range of notions and ideas in your head.
This is precisely what is happening to a friend currently.
Maybe Matt Damon is only half right. Let’s replace the word ‘marriage’ with ‘relationship’. Does the actual ceremony take away from the fact that as human beings we have a difficulty in sustaining long-term partnerships?
If we know that marriages or relationships are ridiculous and that spending a life time with one partner is bound to bring about times when you want to throttle someone, why on earth do we continue to place this type of relationship on a pedestal, providing generation after generation with an unrealistic, unattainable expectation? It is not fair!
Having said all of the above, it doesn’t mean to say that it is unworkable.
For the three friends that I previously mentioned, I have three more where their marriages work impeccably. For the three friends I have mentioned previously, I have three more that have marriages that rock to and fro yet exist in one form or another without provocation or angst.
For the three friends who have walked away from their marriages determined to remain single, I have three more who have found intimacy and love with others. Just because one marriage or even two or three relationships do not work, it doesn’t mean to say that a monogamous relationship will never work. Nothing is or should be set in stone.
Matt Damon recognises the ludicrous expectations of marriage yet is prepared to have a go at it because, for him and for his wife, that is what they have chosen to expect.
But why do we never consider the alternatives?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Bigamy
Here’s another question.
Why is it illegal to be a bigamist yet you cannot get sent to prison for having an extra-marital relationship?
I was thinking about this the other day whilst driving through suburbia, full of semi-detached houses with the nuclear family of mum, dad and 2.4 children residing in these havens of potential unreality.
As I drove down a road with hundreds of houses lining either side of the street, I wondered how many of the residents were truly monogamous. When I am talking about monogamy here, I am thinking about those who have not had a sexual kiss, fuck or fondle with another person other than their partner. Obviously, I assume that everyone has had a mind fuck about having sex with someone else, even it is the cliché of a grope with George Clooney or a pondering of what really lies beneath Kylie Minogue’s gold lame hot pants.
Why is bigamy illegal? Is it because it is morally corrupt? In which case, as I said, why are those of us who fuck around not being sent to either a prison or hospital to pay repentance for our sins or to be cured of our over-indulgent libido?
Is bigamy illegal because there are some monetary implications in it? I don’t think so.
Is bigamy illegal to prevent dishonesty and protect innocent human beings from being abused in some way? Possibly but that still doesn’t explain why additional sexual relationships are acceptable, at least in the eyes of the law.
Quite frankly, going back to Mr. Damon, I cannot understand why anyone would want to get married twice. I certainly wouldn’t want to get married again, and I cannot see why someone would want to marry two people other than to confirm some sort of parity in affection between the two people in his or her life. And isn’t that bizarre in itself? As I have said before, I adore being told that I am wanted and needed. I adore the genuine affirmation that comes when a connection between two people is so right but why on earth would I need another marriage to do that?
I want to hear words and I want the affection and intimacy demonstrated in real things, not a piece of paper that allegedly ties one person to another.
But then, I’m not sure that anyone should be tied to another human being at all – unless you fancy a little bondage of course.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Breaking Hearts
A friend spoke to me about her lover. She was explaining that he had told her he was frightened of “breaking her heart”. He explained how he did not want her to leave her husband, not because he didn’t love her but because he couldn’t really cope with that sort of pressure.
He wanted to maintain his freedom at all costs but he also had commitments to his children and to the mothers of his children that meant he just couldn’t give the type of commitment that he thought my friend required.
He said that he thought her desires and needs would ultimately lead to him breaking her heart as he would undoubtedly reject her at some point.
On one hand, one has to admire his honesty. On another hand – what an egotistical prat! Who on earth does he think he is to presume that he has the power to make or break this woman? Does she not have a mind of her own?
Some months ago, I was given a timely reminder that I was responsible for my happiness; no-one else. It was spelled out to me quite clearly. It was something that I should consider absolutely.
It was the right thing to say.
My happiness is of my own making. Naturally, some people contribute to that but ultimately it is me that chooses to either be happy or not.
So what does that all say about broken hearts? Bloody stupid phrase, by the way!
Realistically, the only person who can break your heart is – you!
Others might put a dirty great big spanner in the works but it is up to you how you manage this and how you move forward. Just as with any mental illness, being in love is something that has to be dealt with by the person foolish enough to fall into such unrealistic states.
But of course, it is not quite that straight forward. If not responsibility, there has to be some consideration from others who contribute to your state of wellbeing. A society totally focused on the passion and requirements of the individual without any consideration for others is not a positive place to be. Doing good for and by others has to be a societal pleasure!
All of this made me think about a film I once saw starring John Malkovich and Michelle Pfeiffer.
If you have never seen this movie, then do so. It is an intriguing look at the dimensions of relationships, power, greed, love, expectations, societal norms and so forth.
Here is the summary from www.imdb.com (another must for those who are interested in films).
Set in France around 1760, the Marquise de Merteuil needs a favour from her ex-lover, Vicomte de Valmont. One of the Marquise de Merteuil's ex-lovers, Gercourt, is betrothed to a young, virtuous, woman called Cecile de Volanges. The Marquise would like Valmont to seduce Cecile before her wedding day, thus humiliating Gercourt. Meanwhile, Valmont has a conquest of his own in mind: Madame de Tourvel, a beautiful, married, and God fearing woman. The Marquise doesn't think that Valmont can seduce Mme de Tourvel. She tells him that if he can provide written proof of a sexual encounter with Mme de Tourvel, she will offer him a reward: one last night with her. Valmont, however, will find himself falling in love with Mme de Tourvel, and facing the deadly jealousy of the Marquise de Merteuil. All along, Cecile de Volanges is used as a pawn in this game of sexual conquest and scorned love.
Malkovich (Vicomte de Valmont) goes about getting the beautiful Pfeiffer to fall in love with him.
Spoiler alert for those who do not wish to know what happens.
She does fall in love with him, to the point of utter despair when she cannot see him and when he tells her that he no longer loves her, or possibly that he never loved her in the first place.
And yet, on returning to the Marquis he says, “I ended by falling on my knees and pledging her eternal love. And do you know that, at that time, and for several hours afterwards, I actually meant it.” (Ho, ho – how true! Or no ho-ho’s at all. How utterly sad that he couldn’t admit to his love lasting a darn sight longer than several hours).
Madame de Touvel’s heart does get broken, irretrievably.
When I first watched this film, I thought this a little far fetched. How could anyone suffer physical ailment because of a lack of love? Could someone really die of a broken heart? Could this woman really be that pathetic?
I have since softened my approach to her and her demise.
I still think it is impossible to believe in other people breaking your heart. As I stated previously, is it not within each of us to be responsible for our own happiness? Of course this is the case. A broken hearted person manages the heart from within; using the body, the mind and the soul to either further damage or recuperate. The perpetrator has not done the damage. They have merely instigated it.
But poor Michelle, I couldn’t get out of my mind. For years and years, this character has sat uncomfortably on my mind.
I think we’re back to libidos folks – just as I was mentioning in the story that I wrote recently.
I am now suggesting that Madame de Touvel did not die of a broken heart because the Vicomte rejected her. She died of a broken heart because she could not manage her desires.
She died of an expectation and a hope.
This man had come along, awakening her from a sexual hibernation, had declared his passionate and in my opinion, his absolute and genuine affection for her, and had then deliberately buggered off, warping and manipulating her mind, and knowing that he was doing so.
Through him, she had found a desire for sex that was almost painful when it was unattainable. Through him, she had found a taste for life that she did not know existed.
Now one could argue, quite rightly, that she shouldn’t have been so damned dependant, and that she should have used this newfound desire for life more effectively.
But one can understand and even empathise with her position on this.
It wasn’t very pleasant of the Vicomte to declare his absolute passion for the woman one week and then either feign or genuinely offer her indifference the next. Maybe he had a sudden fit of cold feet, feeling that what he had said was too honest for him to deal with let alone her, but that does not excuse what he did next.
What this man had given her, and then possibly unbeknowingly robbed her of was a path in life that she did not know had existed for her. She had been married to a much older man with little interest in her or sex. She had been utterly devoted to and indoctrinated by the beliefs of the church. Her insular and insulated life offered her no escape for thoughts or feelings and all of a sudden, she saw a new route.
Sadly for her, she chose to consider this route only with him in mind. When that was clearly not within his expectation or desire or ability, then she could not cope.
Her death was brought on by an absolute helplessness of ever being able to travel along the route that she knew was the right one for her. Due to a misguided and hopeless belief in love, she and indeed the viewers, assumed that her heart was broken by a man who spurred her love.
It really wasn’t and isn’t that simple.
Yet again, we have an example of the gross expectations we humans place upon one another without the ability to communicate effectively in either maintaining relationships or running away from them.
As for my friend, she’s not going to die of a broken heart. This man is not her soul-mate, whatever she may currently think, and because of that he will not break her heart. And even if he was her soul-mate, then she is shrewd enough to fall down, pick herself up and move forward.
Basically, she just likes the good fuck that he gives her.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
And talking of good fucks……
I realised that with all my pontificating about monogamy and relationships recently, I have seriously neglected talking about orgasms and fucks in recent postings.
I will make amends shortly. I’m not sure how I am going to make amends but I will think on and hopefully post something soon.
I think perhaps though, it will be based around an arousal that takes place from time to time which elevates me to a state of total ecstasy. I want to shortly explain what happens to me when I incontrollably spurt my fuck juices all over the place and for many prolonged seconds. I want to explain how fucking good it feels to have orgasm after orgasm, still emitting such quantities of liquid that physiologically seem impossible.
Men and women out there, I will explain what sadly still seems to be ignored or acknowledged; that women can fill buckets if they are fucking in the right way.
Perhaps that is what actually killed Madame de Tourvel. She’d had a sopping wet orgasm for the first time in her life, and nobody had bothered to explain how it happened, how it could happen again and if all else failed, how she could DIY.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
More on Monogamy and Infidelity
Big issues sometimes need little steps, which is why I am content that the Guardian group newspapers are continuing the theme started last week on infidelity.
As last week’s article was in the Observer and this week’s in the weekend Guardian, I’m wondering if the editors talk to one another, such is the familiarity of theme.
However, there were differences; some of which I would like to comment on.
Big issues sometimes need little steps even if the little steps aren’t quite accurate, even if they misinform or are contrary to what some would consider as an enlightened, thoughtful approach. It’s useful to have the mere mention of the words ‘infidelity’ and ‘monogamy’ in an article so that people can begin to question their own values set against such emotive notions.
Of course there’s a ‘however’ though because I have a few issues with the writer of this particular article.
Julie Powell is an American author who had an affair.
She met with an old flame from college days. The sparks of sexuality were still there and they had a relationship.
She calls it an affair but I think, from my definition, it was a relationship.
She explains that at first it was the mere fun of it, the excitement and passion, the naughtiness, the horniness but then she realised that she was, oh dearie me, “in love”.
The article continues to progress through Powell’s reparations package, how she now understands love with her husband even more, that infidelity is fine as it can bring a couple closer together and that really we are moreorless back to square one; monogamy rules ok!
I’m actually beginning to think that using infidelity as some sort of mechanism for improving another relationship or marriage is, quite frankly, about as shallow as you can get. Admittedly, people might not enter into an affair with that in mind but some do. Not only that, for those of us who do not enter into affairs with any ulterior motives, it is demeaning and erroneous to suggest that there is a singular causal factor or a multiple of satisfactory outcomes that are so straight forward and even matter of fact.
There is the notion that those who commit adultery have some basic options. Either they patch up the marriage and pat each other on the back for coming through this tough time, or they walk away from the marriage, bitter and twisted by the deceit and the guilt.
There is no third way.
Come to think of it, there probably isn’t!
Only nothing is that straight forward, and nothing should be seen as that simplistic.
In some ways, I actually admire this woman for speaking out.
If more people were honest about infidelity then maybe, it would bring further discussions about the reality of monogamy as a slightly flawed existence (in its cultural norm and rules that currently exist).
Julie Powell raises some interesting points, and mentions some aspects of her relationship with ‘D’ that resonate entirely with this particular reader, but there is also a smugness that befits the born-again Christian that I can barely stomach.
Take this little phrase – “I’d never deny the hurt my actions caused, to my husband, to me, maybe even (who knows?) to my lover. But the fact is that as we stood amid the rubble, Eric and I looked at one another and saw things we hadn't seen before. That hurt, but it also made us realise that everything had collapsed for reasons we'd been ignoring, and that we valued what remained enough to try to build a new home for it………….And here Eric and I stand now, on a far shore, closer than we were before, and stronger. So, no. To those who want endless punishment, who want me in my scarlet A, I cannot comply. I cannot say that I regret.”
So, she got married, had an affair, went through a pretty tumultuous time when her husband found out. They split up, they got back together and because of all of that, coming though it with the help of counselling, it was all worthwhile because they are stronger as a couple than ever before.
Fine. Good for them.
But it still doesn’t answer the unrealistic expectations of monogamy on people and indeed society.
More of that later.
I can just see this couple going around the great US of A, smugly telling their story in a sort of “I kissed a girl but I’m ok now” kinda way. What does Powell mean when she says her actions caused “maybe (hurt) even (who knows) to my lover?”
Did she not stop to find out if he was a little upset? Did she actually think about this person’s feelings at all as she rushed on the bandwagon of condemnation of infidelity for anything other than a gluepot mechanism for marriage?
Isn’t that all rather dismissive?
Following on from my previous writing, did she actually really love this ‘D’ or had she simply discovered or rediscovered her libido? Did she mistake the fucking good sex that she was having for love? From what she has written, there doesn’t seem to be the foundations of anything else that suggests a deep intimacy with her lover.
Maybe it is my turn to be smug now but there is a huge difference between having sex with someone where you find your stagnating libido and having a meaningful relationship with someone that incorporates all aspects of sexuality and togetherness, that combines mind, body, soul – spirituality, feelings, passions.
If you have the latter, then the walking away from it, the dismissiveness of the ‘affair’, the returning to a previous life is probably not on the cards.
Sometimes another relationship is life-changing. Sometimes there is no turning back, and in some ways there shouldn’t be a turning back.
Sometimes, the affair is a recognition of a person who has been entrapped in another existence; a soul who has never been enabled to be the person that they really are. Such realisations mean that repairing the initial relationship is not even a consideration. It is not feasible because the person having the affair has moved on, has become another person or has found himself or herself as the person that he or she was meant to be.
NB readers, please read that passage carefully for in our world of monogamy and coupledom, it is easy to misread that last phrase. They have found themselves as another person, not found another person. Very important difference!
I’m not sure that if you have had the sort of spiritual, sexual, emotional growth and togetherness that I have experienced in another relationship that you can realistically ‘return’ or even use new experiences within the initial marriage. Some would clearly disagree, and maybe I am wrong but there is no point in dwelling on this.
Time to move on.
I don’t know who this Andrew G Marshall is but he’s clearly got something going for him because the Guardian/Observer has now quoted him twice in consecutive weekends!
His theory is based on the fact that couples who have to suffer the trauma of indiscretion are often the closest of couples. The notion is that in order to prevent being as hurt as you were, you will work extremely hard on the relationship and therefore get the rewards and benefits of such a relationship that would have been there had you worked hard on it in the first place.
That is, that if you had been attentive and loving in the first place, there would not have been an affair at all.
Me doth protest!
Firstly, this is assuming that people have extra, additional relationships because there is something wrong with their marriage or their primary relationship.
Sometimes this might be the case. Sometimes, someone will enter into a relationship with another not even realising the flaws in their marriage until they have experienced a range of fabulous moments with their lover. Sometimes, they will never realise this as a reason for entering into an affair because it isn’t the reason!
Not everyone has an affair for a reason. Some people have an affair for a multiplicity of reasons. Some reasons evolve as the affair progresses but not all people have an affair because there is something wrong in their initial relationship.
Secondly, this is assuming that monogamy is the ‘be all and end all’ of relationships, and that it is something that we should all aspire to.
Some people don’t actually want monogamy. Some people find it intimidating, strangling, suppressive, inconceivable, unattainable.
Thirdly, I am still not sure that I like this contrived notion of ‘working’ at a relationship. If something is really in need of such hard work, is it actually viable?
And following on from that point, fourthly, there seems to be no understanding of the notion of fluctuation, of flowing, of the fact that there are no constants and nor should there be.
Ideally, one would like to think that there is constancy in relationships because when you are at the heart of one, when you feel that you cannot possibly feel more connected to a person than this absolute totality of oneness, then the horror of it disappearing is inconceivable and abhorrent.
Sadly, life is not so kind as to work in a way that connects people together in perpetual bliss.
Can I say this now for it is extremely important?
This is not to say that it cannot work. People can be locked together if there is reason, give, take, respect, understanding, honesty, appreciation that we change etc.
It does not have to be stagnation. The lock doesn’t have to be stifling.
But this sort of living, as far as I am concerned (and it is a very personal stance) requires a completely different interpretation of monogamy.
I could be monogamous. I have the capacity to be monogamous. In some ways, it possibly is an aspiration. I’m just not convinced that I can be monogamous with my current partner, the reason being that I do not get enough now from the relationship.
At the beginning of the article, Powell states that “At the centre of our relationship was a deep understanding. That we knew each other so well seemed proof of a love superior in all ways to all others. If you had told me that I was capable of doing anything that could erode the faith of this most loyal of men, I'd never have believed you.”
Was there? Was there really?
If there was such a deep sense of understanding, then how come she had an affair without telling her husband? If they knew each other so intimately how come it needed a search on the internet rather than an intuition from the soul to know that he was being ‘cheated’ on?
I know that I am being simplistic but really, can we ever know someone that much? Do we have the capacity as human beings to be that honest? Or do we get guarded by a misguided empathy where we make assumptions about what the other person wants or doesn’t want to know?
I could be monogamous if there was no expectation from either party of total sexual fidelity.
I could be monogamous if my partner and I were honest about our feelings for one another and for other people. It may not be easy to have to cope with destructive emotions and your responses to them but it might be easier than to deal with total loss.
I could be monogamous if I felt that there was a connection that went beyond the ephemeral, that went deep to the soul, to the heart, to the mind – that scorched a bond that however frequently you tried to ignore its significance kept pulling you back to the scary and sometimes intimidating realisation that this form of monogamy could work!
So I return once more to the old, old story – or so it seems at the moment, of the reality of monogamy and the hopeless either/or solutions that our society seems to kick up without considering a third or fourth or fifth way.
Take this paragraph if you will.
“In the midst of this moral hysteria, a series of books have been published suggesting that we have lost sight of what it means to make a marriage work: that an affair need not signal the end of love. At the extreme end of this is French psychologist Maryse Vaillant, whose recent book suggests that infidelity is not only unavoidable, but can be beneficial to relationships; that the "pact of fidelity is not natural but cultural". But somewhere in the middle sit figures such as London-based marital therapist Andrew G Marshall, whose book How Can I Ever Trust You Again?, published earlier this year, examines how couples can recover from adultery.”
I’ve read and re-read this paragraph desperately trying to find one end of the spectrum to the other. Ironically, I may actually be conditioned to looking for an either/or!
At the “extreme end” we have the notion that infidelity is beneficial and unavoidable.
“Somewhere in the middle” we have the notion that, when you continue to read the summary of Marshall’s work, that infidelity could be beneficial for couples
At another “extreme”, we have the notion that we have lost sight of how to make a marriage work.
At a similar “extreme”, we have the notion that an affair need not signal the end of love.
Excuse me for being pedantic, but aren’t these all one and the same, bar a few slight differences?
And the similarity that should really be borne out of this is communication.
If people are brave enough to talk then the marriage or the relationship is not lost. If people are brave enough to say that they are attracted to another, then all is not lost. If people are brave enough to admit to wanting sex with another, then that could very well happen. If people are brave enough to use this deep sexuality within their relationship; describing their libido to their partner, explaining how looking at other women turns them on, inviting them to participate in the infidelity, then the world might be a happier place.
If all we have on offer is the ‘extreme’ of unavoidable infidelity with a middle ground of unavoidable infidelity then who the hell are we all kidding here?
Monogamy, in its current form, is not working.
Monogamy with real honesty, trust, love and consideration is viable but it is going to take a huge cultural shift to recognise it as so.
The penultimate comment that I want to make is relative to what Powell calls the “mob mentality” in regard to infidelity. She explains how she was demonised by the writing of her book; how her friend who was also having an affair suggested that “it was like we were contagious”.
People are pretty crap when it comes to infidelity. They seem to recoil into this Victorian, moralistic stance that bears no resemblance to reality. It really is rather like the Tories of the Back to Basics campaign who were espousing fidelity, marriage and unattainable idolatry of the monogamous relationship right at the same time as they were riding their cocks up the nearest bizarre person who would be remotely interested in a Conservative MP.
It seems that she was right when you look at some of the comments on CIF
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/mar/13/john-terry-ashley-cole-tiger-woods-me
They are revolting!
There are some supportive comments but in the main, they are condemning this woman for having an affair, further condemning her for speaking out about it, and highly condemning her for having no regrets about the affair; all of this without really knowing the circumstances in which this affair was played out.
Assumption after assumption- that is what our society does rather too well.
People feel in the smugness (I know I’ve used that word too frequently but it really is the right one) of coupledom that they are righteous in their choice of how to live. I would go further on this to say that they are smug in their cultural norm to the point that they are damning and revolting to those of us who step out. Look at how our press demonised the President of South Africa because of his polygamous lifestyle? It was racist and sick, quite frankly.
What right has anyone got to say what it right or wrong for another human being?
I am sickened by the lack of intelligence in this world sometimes.
Nobody wants to have an affair to hurt or demean another person. Why and how could anyone make that assumption with that gross either/or mentality?
If relationships were truly intelligent in the first place, there would be no place in this world for defamatory terminology in statements such as ‘having an affair’.
People would merely be ‘enjoying another relationship’.
Yes, I know – a bit too simplistic, a bit too revolutionary, a bit too ignorant of destructive emotions.
My point is that if people were a little more concerned about a holistic approach to life, a fundamental belief in the self rather than the ultimate being coupledom then we all might be more content.
And finally, for I am sure the reader is probably exhausted by my whinges, I return to another quote from this article.
Once there was a world of arranged unions and marriage as politics and finance; now, in a world of sexual independence, relative gender equality and an increasingly frayed social fabric, we have marriage as intimacy. "It's a double bind," Kipnis says. "Adultery is more of an issue now, because we are closer."
Adultery is more of an issue now, because we are closer, because we ‘chose’ our partners, because we have sexual independence, because marriage is an intimacy!
I simply do not understand this.
Where do people get off on coming out with simplistic statements without having any real consideration for what they are saying?
By whose definition are marriages closer?
By whose definition does that marriage remain close?
By whose definition are the people that entered into that marriage the same people ten, twenty or thirty years on?
By whose definition are we sexually independent?
By whose definition is there gender equality?
Adultery is more of an issue now because we haven’t got the fallback of saying that it was an arranged marriage. Adultery is more of an issue now because we chose our partner, therefore we have to stick to that choice.
And the greatest of these is the idea that once chosen, this apparently makes us close, just in the mere fact that we once had a choice in the matter.
We do not have sexual independence. If we did monogamy in its current form would not exist. We do not have gender equality otherwise there would be an understanding of female sexuality, of ejaculation, of cum. We do not have a notion that people, relationships, even love can change. It is not set in stone, in one place. Life moves on. Without life moving, we would never learn – about others, about ourselves, about life, about feelings. Life moves.
In my previous blog I was telling a story; explaining how it is possible that I was not ‘in love’ with an ex boyfriend and that in actual fact I had simply loved having my libido belatedly turn up.
I wanted to explain that story to younger people, particularly those who felt bereft in love.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea because often the fish are there just for the fuck.
One cock is as good as the next.
I know that is not the whole story and the reason being is that life is not as simplistic as it just being about one stand alone issue, however, it is important to recognise sexuality as different from love. Young people should know that they might just mistake real intimacy for real sexual desire.
They might see one person as their soul mate without realising that they actually crave the sex.
This is an important message.
But so is this.
Monogamy has to change in order for us to function as fully actualised human beings. It is viable but only with extreme honesty. It is viable but only with a distinct variant on its current definition.
We have so bloody far to go with sexuality, with love, with life, with understanding our emotions and our feelings, hell, with even realising that there is a difference between thinking and feeling!
This article yet again demonstrates that we are trying to live in a state that places unnatural expectations upon us, as individuals and society. We place the band of gold around the finger not as a symbol of eternal love but as a chastity belt; restricting, strangling, owning.
We seek to define ourselves and our relationships against the expectation of the masses, forgetting and losing the individual within.
The ironic thing about this article is that she decries helpless angst at the masses and their norms of condemnation whilst glibly returning to those norms of expectation in going for the ‘happy ever after’ with the singular model – just as expected. It’s like the “it was all a dream” ending of “The Wizard of Oz” and millions of subsequent unimaginative stories.
Maybe we should be considering telling our children that there are other ways to live life. Maybe in that way, they would not be struggling to conform to an outdated mode of living either.
Maybe this is a message that needs to get across to young and old pretty quickly; that expectations of permanence might need to be shattered, that understanding of monogamy might need to be redefined, that it is perfectly feasible to have a monogamous relationship that also includes fucking other people.
As last week’s article was in the Observer and this week’s in the weekend Guardian, I’m wondering if the editors talk to one another, such is the familiarity of theme.
However, there were differences; some of which I would like to comment on.
Big issues sometimes need little steps even if the little steps aren’t quite accurate, even if they misinform or are contrary to what some would consider as an enlightened, thoughtful approach. It’s useful to have the mere mention of the words ‘infidelity’ and ‘monogamy’ in an article so that people can begin to question their own values set against such emotive notions.
Of course there’s a ‘however’ though because I have a few issues with the writer of this particular article.
Julie Powell is an American author who had an affair.
She met with an old flame from college days. The sparks of sexuality were still there and they had a relationship.
She calls it an affair but I think, from my definition, it was a relationship.
She explains that at first it was the mere fun of it, the excitement and passion, the naughtiness, the horniness but then she realised that she was, oh dearie me, “in love”.
The article continues to progress through Powell’s reparations package, how she now understands love with her husband even more, that infidelity is fine as it can bring a couple closer together and that really we are moreorless back to square one; monogamy rules ok!
I’m actually beginning to think that using infidelity as some sort of mechanism for improving another relationship or marriage is, quite frankly, about as shallow as you can get. Admittedly, people might not enter into an affair with that in mind but some do. Not only that, for those of us who do not enter into affairs with any ulterior motives, it is demeaning and erroneous to suggest that there is a singular causal factor or a multiple of satisfactory outcomes that are so straight forward and even matter of fact.
There is the notion that those who commit adultery have some basic options. Either they patch up the marriage and pat each other on the back for coming through this tough time, or they walk away from the marriage, bitter and twisted by the deceit and the guilt.
There is no third way.
Come to think of it, there probably isn’t!
Only nothing is that straight forward, and nothing should be seen as that simplistic.
In some ways, I actually admire this woman for speaking out.
If more people were honest about infidelity then maybe, it would bring further discussions about the reality of monogamy as a slightly flawed existence (in its cultural norm and rules that currently exist).
Julie Powell raises some interesting points, and mentions some aspects of her relationship with ‘D’ that resonate entirely with this particular reader, but there is also a smugness that befits the born-again Christian that I can barely stomach.
Take this little phrase – “I’d never deny the hurt my actions caused, to my husband, to me, maybe even (who knows?) to my lover. But the fact is that as we stood amid the rubble, Eric and I looked at one another and saw things we hadn't seen before. That hurt, but it also made us realise that everything had collapsed for reasons we'd been ignoring, and that we valued what remained enough to try to build a new home for it………….And here Eric and I stand now, on a far shore, closer than we were before, and stronger. So, no. To those who want endless punishment, who want me in my scarlet A, I cannot comply. I cannot say that I regret.”
So, she got married, had an affair, went through a pretty tumultuous time when her husband found out. They split up, they got back together and because of all of that, coming though it with the help of counselling, it was all worthwhile because they are stronger as a couple than ever before.
Fine. Good for them.
But it still doesn’t answer the unrealistic expectations of monogamy on people and indeed society.
More of that later.
I can just see this couple going around the great US of A, smugly telling their story in a sort of “I kissed a girl but I’m ok now” kinda way. What does Powell mean when she says her actions caused “maybe (hurt) even (who knows) to my lover?”
Did she not stop to find out if he was a little upset? Did she actually think about this person’s feelings at all as she rushed on the bandwagon of condemnation of infidelity for anything other than a gluepot mechanism for marriage?
Isn’t that all rather dismissive?
Following on from my previous writing, did she actually really love this ‘D’ or had she simply discovered or rediscovered her libido? Did she mistake the fucking good sex that she was having for love? From what she has written, there doesn’t seem to be the foundations of anything else that suggests a deep intimacy with her lover.
Maybe it is my turn to be smug now but there is a huge difference between having sex with someone where you find your stagnating libido and having a meaningful relationship with someone that incorporates all aspects of sexuality and togetherness, that combines mind, body, soul – spirituality, feelings, passions.
If you have the latter, then the walking away from it, the dismissiveness of the ‘affair’, the returning to a previous life is probably not on the cards.
Sometimes another relationship is life-changing. Sometimes there is no turning back, and in some ways there shouldn’t be a turning back.
Sometimes, the affair is a recognition of a person who has been entrapped in another existence; a soul who has never been enabled to be the person that they really are. Such realisations mean that repairing the initial relationship is not even a consideration. It is not feasible because the person having the affair has moved on, has become another person or has found himself or herself as the person that he or she was meant to be.
NB readers, please read that passage carefully for in our world of monogamy and coupledom, it is easy to misread that last phrase. They have found themselves as another person, not found another person. Very important difference!
I’m not sure that if you have had the sort of spiritual, sexual, emotional growth and togetherness that I have experienced in another relationship that you can realistically ‘return’ or even use new experiences within the initial marriage. Some would clearly disagree, and maybe I am wrong but there is no point in dwelling on this.
Time to move on.
I don’t know who this Andrew G Marshall is but he’s clearly got something going for him because the Guardian/Observer has now quoted him twice in consecutive weekends!
His theory is based on the fact that couples who have to suffer the trauma of indiscretion are often the closest of couples. The notion is that in order to prevent being as hurt as you were, you will work extremely hard on the relationship and therefore get the rewards and benefits of such a relationship that would have been there had you worked hard on it in the first place.
That is, that if you had been attentive and loving in the first place, there would not have been an affair at all.
Me doth protest!
Firstly, this is assuming that people have extra, additional relationships because there is something wrong with their marriage or their primary relationship.
Sometimes this might be the case. Sometimes, someone will enter into a relationship with another not even realising the flaws in their marriage until they have experienced a range of fabulous moments with their lover. Sometimes, they will never realise this as a reason for entering into an affair because it isn’t the reason!
Not everyone has an affair for a reason. Some people have an affair for a multiplicity of reasons. Some reasons evolve as the affair progresses but not all people have an affair because there is something wrong in their initial relationship.
Secondly, this is assuming that monogamy is the ‘be all and end all’ of relationships, and that it is something that we should all aspire to.
Some people don’t actually want monogamy. Some people find it intimidating, strangling, suppressive, inconceivable, unattainable.
Thirdly, I am still not sure that I like this contrived notion of ‘working’ at a relationship. If something is really in need of such hard work, is it actually viable?
And following on from that point, fourthly, there seems to be no understanding of the notion of fluctuation, of flowing, of the fact that there are no constants and nor should there be.
Ideally, one would like to think that there is constancy in relationships because when you are at the heart of one, when you feel that you cannot possibly feel more connected to a person than this absolute totality of oneness, then the horror of it disappearing is inconceivable and abhorrent.
Sadly, life is not so kind as to work in a way that connects people together in perpetual bliss.
Can I say this now for it is extremely important?
This is not to say that it cannot work. People can be locked together if there is reason, give, take, respect, understanding, honesty, appreciation that we change etc.
It does not have to be stagnation. The lock doesn’t have to be stifling.
But this sort of living, as far as I am concerned (and it is a very personal stance) requires a completely different interpretation of monogamy.
I could be monogamous. I have the capacity to be monogamous. In some ways, it possibly is an aspiration. I’m just not convinced that I can be monogamous with my current partner, the reason being that I do not get enough now from the relationship.
At the beginning of the article, Powell states that “At the centre of our relationship was a deep understanding. That we knew each other so well seemed proof of a love superior in all ways to all others. If you had told me that I was capable of doing anything that could erode the faith of this most loyal of men, I'd never have believed you.”
Was there? Was there really?
If there was such a deep sense of understanding, then how come she had an affair without telling her husband? If they knew each other so intimately how come it needed a search on the internet rather than an intuition from the soul to know that he was being ‘cheated’ on?
I know that I am being simplistic but really, can we ever know someone that much? Do we have the capacity as human beings to be that honest? Or do we get guarded by a misguided empathy where we make assumptions about what the other person wants or doesn’t want to know?
I could be monogamous if there was no expectation from either party of total sexual fidelity.
I could be monogamous if my partner and I were honest about our feelings for one another and for other people. It may not be easy to have to cope with destructive emotions and your responses to them but it might be easier than to deal with total loss.
I could be monogamous if I felt that there was a connection that went beyond the ephemeral, that went deep to the soul, to the heart, to the mind – that scorched a bond that however frequently you tried to ignore its significance kept pulling you back to the scary and sometimes intimidating realisation that this form of monogamy could work!
So I return once more to the old, old story – or so it seems at the moment, of the reality of monogamy and the hopeless either/or solutions that our society seems to kick up without considering a third or fourth or fifth way.
Take this paragraph if you will.
“In the midst of this moral hysteria, a series of books have been published suggesting that we have lost sight of what it means to make a marriage work: that an affair need not signal the end of love. At the extreme end of this is French psychologist Maryse Vaillant, whose recent book suggests that infidelity is not only unavoidable, but can be beneficial to relationships; that the "pact of fidelity is not natural but cultural". But somewhere in the middle sit figures such as London-based marital therapist Andrew G Marshall, whose book How Can I Ever Trust You Again?, published earlier this year, examines how couples can recover from adultery.”
I’ve read and re-read this paragraph desperately trying to find one end of the spectrum to the other. Ironically, I may actually be conditioned to looking for an either/or!
At the “extreme end” we have the notion that infidelity is beneficial and unavoidable.
“Somewhere in the middle” we have the notion that, when you continue to read the summary of Marshall’s work, that infidelity could be beneficial for couples
At another “extreme”, we have the notion that we have lost sight of how to make a marriage work.
At a similar “extreme”, we have the notion that an affair need not signal the end of love.
Excuse me for being pedantic, but aren’t these all one and the same, bar a few slight differences?
And the similarity that should really be borne out of this is communication.
If people are brave enough to talk then the marriage or the relationship is not lost. If people are brave enough to say that they are attracted to another, then all is not lost. If people are brave enough to admit to wanting sex with another, then that could very well happen. If people are brave enough to use this deep sexuality within their relationship; describing their libido to their partner, explaining how looking at other women turns them on, inviting them to participate in the infidelity, then the world might be a happier place.
If all we have on offer is the ‘extreme’ of unavoidable infidelity with a middle ground of unavoidable infidelity then who the hell are we all kidding here?
Monogamy, in its current form, is not working.
Monogamy with real honesty, trust, love and consideration is viable but it is going to take a huge cultural shift to recognise it as so.
The penultimate comment that I want to make is relative to what Powell calls the “mob mentality” in regard to infidelity. She explains how she was demonised by the writing of her book; how her friend who was also having an affair suggested that “it was like we were contagious”.
People are pretty crap when it comes to infidelity. They seem to recoil into this Victorian, moralistic stance that bears no resemblance to reality. It really is rather like the Tories of the Back to Basics campaign who were espousing fidelity, marriage and unattainable idolatry of the monogamous relationship right at the same time as they were riding their cocks up the nearest bizarre person who would be remotely interested in a Conservative MP.
It seems that she was right when you look at some of the comments on CIF
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/mar/13/john-terry-ashley-cole-tiger-woods-me
They are revolting!
There are some supportive comments but in the main, they are condemning this woman for having an affair, further condemning her for speaking out about it, and highly condemning her for having no regrets about the affair; all of this without really knowing the circumstances in which this affair was played out.
Assumption after assumption- that is what our society does rather too well.
People feel in the smugness (I know I’ve used that word too frequently but it really is the right one) of coupledom that they are righteous in their choice of how to live. I would go further on this to say that they are smug in their cultural norm to the point that they are damning and revolting to those of us who step out. Look at how our press demonised the President of South Africa because of his polygamous lifestyle? It was racist and sick, quite frankly.
What right has anyone got to say what it right or wrong for another human being?
I am sickened by the lack of intelligence in this world sometimes.
Nobody wants to have an affair to hurt or demean another person. Why and how could anyone make that assumption with that gross either/or mentality?
If relationships were truly intelligent in the first place, there would be no place in this world for defamatory terminology in statements such as ‘having an affair’.
People would merely be ‘enjoying another relationship’.
Yes, I know – a bit too simplistic, a bit too revolutionary, a bit too ignorant of destructive emotions.
My point is that if people were a little more concerned about a holistic approach to life, a fundamental belief in the self rather than the ultimate being coupledom then we all might be more content.
And finally, for I am sure the reader is probably exhausted by my whinges, I return to another quote from this article.
Once there was a world of arranged unions and marriage as politics and finance; now, in a world of sexual independence, relative gender equality and an increasingly frayed social fabric, we have marriage as intimacy. "It's a double bind," Kipnis says. "Adultery is more of an issue now, because we are closer."
Adultery is more of an issue now, because we are closer, because we ‘chose’ our partners, because we have sexual independence, because marriage is an intimacy!
I simply do not understand this.
Where do people get off on coming out with simplistic statements without having any real consideration for what they are saying?
By whose definition are marriages closer?
By whose definition does that marriage remain close?
By whose definition are the people that entered into that marriage the same people ten, twenty or thirty years on?
By whose definition are we sexually independent?
By whose definition is there gender equality?
Adultery is more of an issue now because we haven’t got the fallback of saying that it was an arranged marriage. Adultery is more of an issue now because we chose our partner, therefore we have to stick to that choice.
And the greatest of these is the idea that once chosen, this apparently makes us close, just in the mere fact that we once had a choice in the matter.
We do not have sexual independence. If we did monogamy in its current form would not exist. We do not have gender equality otherwise there would be an understanding of female sexuality, of ejaculation, of cum. We do not have a notion that people, relationships, even love can change. It is not set in stone, in one place. Life moves on. Without life moving, we would never learn – about others, about ourselves, about life, about feelings. Life moves.
In my previous blog I was telling a story; explaining how it is possible that I was not ‘in love’ with an ex boyfriend and that in actual fact I had simply loved having my libido belatedly turn up.
I wanted to explain that story to younger people, particularly those who felt bereft in love.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea because often the fish are there just for the fuck.
One cock is as good as the next.
I know that is not the whole story and the reason being is that life is not as simplistic as it just being about one stand alone issue, however, it is important to recognise sexuality as different from love. Young people should know that they might just mistake real intimacy for real sexual desire.
They might see one person as their soul mate without realising that they actually crave the sex.
This is an important message.
But so is this.
Monogamy has to change in order for us to function as fully actualised human beings. It is viable but only with extreme honesty. It is viable but only with a distinct variant on its current definition.
We have so bloody far to go with sexuality, with love, with life, with understanding our emotions and our feelings, hell, with even realising that there is a difference between thinking and feeling!
This article yet again demonstrates that we are trying to live in a state that places unnatural expectations upon us, as individuals and society. We place the band of gold around the finger not as a symbol of eternal love but as a chastity belt; restricting, strangling, owning.
We seek to define ourselves and our relationships against the expectation of the masses, forgetting and losing the individual within.
The ironic thing about this article is that she decries helpless angst at the masses and their norms of condemnation whilst glibly returning to those norms of expectation in going for the ‘happy ever after’ with the singular model – just as expected. It’s like the “it was all a dream” ending of “The Wizard of Oz” and millions of subsequent unimaginative stories.
Maybe we should be considering telling our children that there are other ways to live life. Maybe in that way, they would not be struggling to conform to an outdated mode of living either.
Maybe this is a message that needs to get across to young and old pretty quickly; that expectations of permanence might need to be shattered, that understanding of monogamy might need to be redefined, that it is perfectly feasible to have a monogamous relationship that also includes fucking other people.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Libidinous stories and thoughts
The Story
It wasn’t as if Eamonn was the love of her life.
He was a bully. He was inconsiderate. He never thought about her needs, only his own.
It was only her naïve and helpless idiocy that kept this unachievable relationship in tact; this dream of total togetherness, of “happy ever after”.
But she knew that there were so many flaws to the relationship that a long term commitment would have been suffocating and wrong on every level possible.
If Caroline had even for one minute really looked at the whole situation objectively, she would have turned away from him, from the situation, retracted herself and never looked back.
Only she wasn’t that clever. She wasn’t that mature. She wasn’t that sensible.
She wasn’t even in love anymore. That had disappeared almost two years before.
She was just plain frightened; frightened of loneliness, frightened of feelings, frightened of him.
Despite all of this, despite the fact that she knew that this separation was the right thing to do, she felt an emptiness that she couldn’t begin to explain.
She felt bereft at the same time as relief.
She felt deep sadness at the same time as an overwhelming sense of relief.
She felt caged by her grief at the same time as feeling complete, and slightly bewildering, liberty.
When she looked at herself, she realised that she had been in a committed relationship since she was fifteen. Although, on paper that looks a little stupid. How could a fifteen year old be in a committed relationship? - but she had been.
She’d had a year long relationship, followed by a two year relationship followed by another two year relationship.
Blimey, she was a mini-serial monogamist. She had always moved from one relationship to the next with a serious blurring of dates between commencement and conclusion.
And all of a sudden, she was alone. And she had never experienced this feeling in her adult life before. No wonder she felt so fucked up. No wonder she could never shake away that feeling of scared emptiness .
She climbed aboard and plonked the heavy bag down as she clung onto the slippery pole of the double decker bus as it bumbled its way to her work.
Along the way, she thought.
It’s been a fortnight now. It will be okay. Think positive.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
Clichéd glances. Eyes connecting. Awareness rising. Temptation. Titillation. Libido?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
He smiles. She responds. He dares to allow his eyes to wander. She acknowledges. A short hello is spoken. He turns and zooms away.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Attraction is so interesting because there is almost an instantaneous feeling sometimes and yet simultaneously, the attraction grows and grows. Some people mistake this instantaneous feeling for love at first sight. Is it?
Caroline had noticed Adam before. She’d probably noticed him on her first day at work. He was just one of those people who stood out; tall, blond, cocksure, confident and gregarious; bit of prat really.
He was the person that everyone wanted to know, everyone wanted to talk to. Eyes followed him across the room, into the canteen. In the bar, people gathered around him.
Adam knew all of this and he loved it!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
He was always surrounded by very beautiful women. His best friend at work was this stunning dark haired deliciousness called Amanda. Without even knowing it, Caroline was attracted to Amanda.
At the time, she thought it was just a calling of friendship. The two women collided into communication by accident. Maybe, in retrospect, they were both attracted to one another, and whilst both were concentrating on their attraction to Adam, they were denying the reality of the sexual stimulation and the growing desire they felt for one another.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Christmas bashes.
Caroline wasn’t that bothered about going, despite the fact that Adam had asked her earlier in the day if she was coming along.
Only she was bothered about going because she had been stimulated to go by the attraction for this man.
Intuition was working. She felt that something was happening yet she couldn’t quite grasp what it was.
She walked tentatively into the room. Colin sprang to life and got her a drink.
Rosemary, her friend, and her sipped their cocktails quietly as they watched the first dancers of the evening.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
He walked alone onto the dance floor, looked up, smiled, mimicked a dance shuffle as a mimed invitation and beckoned her over.
She’d only been there for about twenty minutes. It was a little early for dancing, and there was poor Colin, clearly excited that she had accepted a drink from him, clearly gagging for a fuck with her.
Slight guilt at leaving Colin like this, she wandered across to Adam, who took her in his arms immediately.
Her strapless dress allowed his fingers to glide across her shoulders and straight onto naked skin.
For both of them, that was incredibly sensuous.
He wooed her with exactly the right words – she looked beautiful, he’d been worried about her over the last couple of weeks – a friend of a friend had told him about her split with Eamonn. The man must have been an idiot not to recognise the perfection of a woman he’d had in his life.
At the end of the first song, she moved to go but he held her resolutely and determined. She stayed and as he kissed her with such intense passion, her legs buckled, her heart plundered and she was his! She really was living in some sort of cliché.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Sex with Eamonn had become very samey. It was a routine and a ritual rather than responsive or warm. It was quick and meaningless. He’d never succeeded in making her cum in two years of fucking. She’d been frustrated. He’d been irritated.
Interestingly, he’d assumed it was her problem not his. He couldn’t do anything about her lack of libido. He had no role in being able to make a cumless woman climax.
She thought that this was just how it was. She had no great feeling between her legs. She wasn’t really that bothered by sex at all.
She wasn’t even sure that she had a libido. That night, she knew that there was something happening to her but at that time, she couldn’t have explained what. It was more than just a physical feeling. It was intense.
She wasn’t quite so stupid at that point to think she had fallen in love again but she couldn’t explain this combination of the physical, the sexual and what it was all doing to her head.
She was deeply attracted to him but it was more than that. She wanted to fuck him, and this had never happened to her before in her life.
She suddenly had an absolute urgency to be fucked.
Throughout the evening, he had held her. They had mingled with others with his hand firmly clasped around hers. He’d introduced her as his new woman. Such an assumption! but a correct one.
They danced the last dance and it was pretty obvious by the size of his erection that he needed a fuck as much as she did.
He gathered her into him so that she could feel his cock through his formal dinner suit, and as the singer mentioned making love, he repeated the words into her mouth, breathing deeply and urgently.
“Let’s go!” he whispered.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
They almost ran to the car and probably would have done so had it not been for the sheet ice between them and their getaway vehicle.
They clambered in, each thinking of nothing other than the fuck they were about to receive.
He lit two cigarettes, passing one to her, and they sat in contemplative silence for the rest of the journey home.
He walked around to help her out of the car. She had four inch heels and the road was a death trap of ice.
They went straight into his bedroom.
He swept the dress from her body. He undressed himself. She was painfully aware of how naïve and inexperienced she was. He told her he didn’t care.
Contraceptives were just about negotiated but in the haze of madness and urgency it was a miracle that this had happened. He spilled his spunk into an awaiting dressing gown when the time was right
He got her naked body under the duvet and smothered her with kisses. He slid his cock straight in. No foreplay, no fondles, just straight in.
It was fucking sensational. He didn’t cum after twenty seconds. He lovingly, carefully manipulated his body around so that her insides were sensitised by the movement. He looked down as he drew in and out of her, encouraging her to do the same. He fell with delight onto her tiny body, as she simply lay back and took what was coming.
She was deeply excited by this man, and once the penetration had taken place, they fell asleep together, wrapped around one another, warm, together, fucked up, loved up.
Half way through the night, he turned around and kissed her. He traced his hands over her body. She moved hers over his upper torso though was not sure whether to reach for his cock or not.
He slid his fingers into her cunt, which was clearly receptive to such a move. He dived further under the covers to taste her for himself. She loved that too.
He returned his face to hers, kissed her lightly as his cock soared into her pussy, delighting and moistening her once more.
They fell asleep again.
Awaking the next day, he pulled her on top of him and pushed his cock into her before she had chance to awaken properly.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Poor Caroline.
She hadn’t got a cat in hell’s chance of surviving this emotionally.
She was completely fucked out and she wanted more. She could have stayed in that bed all day being fucked senseless.
For the very first time in her life, she had allowed her libido to triumph over reason, because at that point in her life she hadn’t understood they were inextricably linked. She was so embarrassingly sexually naïve that there was no way that she could possibly have a one-night stand or fuck a new bloke on the first night, but here she was doing precisely that.
She was attracted to him. She’d actually been attracted to him before her break up with Eamonn but it hadn’t triggered a sexual response. It hadn’t awoken her libido.
She wasn’t sure that she had ever had a libido operating whilst she was with Eamonn. If it had, then it was on few and far between occasions.
Now she had a libido so inflated that she didn’t know how to handle it. She also had a boyfriend so hot and horny that it actually intimidated her, such were her insecurities in her own sexual prowess.
How was she ever going to be sexy and hot when she had a history of lying on her back, opening her legs and get a seeing to?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Still dressed in her fineries of evening wear she arrived back to the flat and plonked herself down at the kitchen table.
“Can you get drunk on sex?” she asked.
Eruptions of laughter ensued………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Caroline and Adam had a horny, hot relationship for a few months. They had sex at inopportune moments, like the time when everyone in the house was gathered for a Christmas meal, and Adam nudged her under the table, grabbed her hand and said, “Let’s fuck!”
It was rather obvious to all gathered what they were doing when they left the table before the end of the meal, and even more obvious when they returned to the table after their rather robust quickie.
She didn’t survive it emotionally. Adam became the scapegoat for her previous disasters.
(And suddenly, in writing this, she has seen the light!)
She fell in love with Adam, pathetically. She couldn’t cope with the loss of this godlike man who she had placed on some hopeless pedestal.
She was emotionally needy and she had discovered a need for sex but it was to no avail. He wasn’t really into her. She was too sexually inexperienced and squirmed at any suggestions of anything.
A couple of year later, they fucked again, just for the hell of it, on a couple of occasions.
They’d become decent friends by now and were free (ish) to do what they wanted.
A group of people had been out for a drink. It was all pleasant. There were no innuendos or flashing eyes. Nothing.
At the end of the evening, Adam asked her if she wanted a lift home. She accepted, expecting nothing. Once they were in the car, he drove her silently back to his place. She’d known he would.
They sat and had a drink and some toast and then got into bed.
They didn’t have sex. They just fell asleep but in the middle of the night, just as they had on their first night together, they fucked.
That’s all it was. Just a fuck. Quite a good one actually. One of the few she remembers from her youth when she had an orgasm.
It had been some time since she’d had an orgasm from penetrative sex, and it felt right.
……………………………………………………………………………………………….
The Verdict
It really was the weirdest thing.
Whilst I was writing this, it hit me like a lightening bolt! And if there are any young women reading this then please consider this carefully.
“Caroline” was besotted with “Adam”. As I said earlier, in truth, he was a bit of a tosser. He fancied himself far more than any woman he fucked but she had done the whole, stupid and wholly futile “falling in love” thing.
Having had years of abuse and disinterest from a man whose only sexual excitement came from considering his own needs, Caroline was now stimulated by a man who knew how to fuck her.
Eamonn had been very sexually needy. He needed to fuck Caroline regularly but he needed it for him. It was never really about her at all, even though he got pissed off (yes, really) that she couldn’t cum. Is it any wonder that her libido was non-existent and would revert to dormancy later in her life? It wasn’t the greatest of baptisms.
Whereas all of a sudden, she’d had her libido invigorated and enlivened. When she saw Adam, she had an actual physical sensation between her legs, in her heart. She had mistaken this for being “in love” when in actual fact, it was just her libido working in tandem with the attraction that she held for the man.
Is this what being “in love” is? Is it merely the physical of the libido and the imagination of the attraction working together to create an unreal and unsustainable situation?
Now for the lightening bolt!
Caroline wasn’t in love with Adam. She had found her libido. For the very first time in her life, she had discovered a slight insight into her own sexuality. Compared with now, it was insignificant but at that point, it was life giving.
She didn’t need Adam. She needed sex.
At the time, she thought that the depression that ensued was somehow some suppressed disappointment in the outcome of her relationship with Eamonn. She eventually reasoned that her pining wasn’t really for Adam. He was merely a scapegoat.
In the months after her split with Adam, she became very ill. She lost her joie de vivre. She stopped eating. She became painfully thin and her libido once more disappeared into the ether.
Is there a possibility that what had actually happened was that she had experienced the very real need for sex? When she suddenly realised that she wasn’t going to have sex, it felt as though her world had caved in. She didn’t want Adam. She wanted the feeling that he gave her. To put it bluntly, she wanted his cock in her cunt. She liked feeling libidinous.
Not only that, she had made the grave mistake of thinking that her libido was completely tied up with one person. She had convinced herself that sexual feelings were merely feelings for someone.
It would take her years to realise that the libido was separate from attraction and was separate from love.
However, when libido and attraction and love all collided into an experience that ensured the “utmost uninhibited depths of hearts, souls and spirit” – well, that is a sexual experience worth worrying about!
The point I am trying to make is that we should be explicit with our young people that there is a vast difference between the perfectly normal libidinous feeling and the attraction that we feel for a certain person. If we can make people understand the difference, then we could all be a little more realistic about relationships, particularly those that we experience in our youth.
And we might stop falling in love. Has anyone wondered why the phrase uses the word “falling”?
They can and do work together in a relationship but there may be times when the libido is working alone, irrespective of any emotional attachment or physical attraction.
Guess what, that is why people enjoy porn. It is their way of doing something positive about the very natural and positive aspect of their sexuality, i.e. their libido, especially if they do not have the opportunity to have sex with someone (even better if they can enjoy expressing their libido in this way with their sexual partner).
Caroline was depressed because she had found sex. She had discovered her libido and it was far too rapidly taken from her, as far as she was concerned. She hadn’t discovered dildos at that time. If only she had, she may not have ended up the emotionally fucked up person that she did.
She could have given herself a good seeing to which, at the very least, could have dealt with her sexual needs.
Finally, in saying all of this, I am not denying the genuine loss that people feel when they come out of a relationship. There is the intimacy of touch that is only partly conditioned by libido. There is genuine affection in some attraction and the loss of a special relationship can be devastating but if people woke up to the importance of sex then it bizarrely might ease the pain of break up to admit that they may be missing this as much as the person who gave it.
It wasn’t as if Eamonn was the love of her life.
He was a bully. He was inconsiderate. He never thought about her needs, only his own.
It was only her naïve and helpless idiocy that kept this unachievable relationship in tact; this dream of total togetherness, of “happy ever after”.
But she knew that there were so many flaws to the relationship that a long term commitment would have been suffocating and wrong on every level possible.
If Caroline had even for one minute really looked at the whole situation objectively, she would have turned away from him, from the situation, retracted herself and never looked back.
Only she wasn’t that clever. She wasn’t that mature. She wasn’t that sensible.
She wasn’t even in love anymore. That had disappeared almost two years before.
She was just plain frightened; frightened of loneliness, frightened of feelings, frightened of him.
Despite all of this, despite the fact that she knew that this separation was the right thing to do, she felt an emptiness that she couldn’t begin to explain.
She felt bereft at the same time as relief.
She felt deep sadness at the same time as an overwhelming sense of relief.
She felt caged by her grief at the same time as feeling complete, and slightly bewildering, liberty.
When she looked at herself, she realised that she had been in a committed relationship since she was fifteen. Although, on paper that looks a little stupid. How could a fifteen year old be in a committed relationship? - but she had been.
She’d had a year long relationship, followed by a two year relationship followed by another two year relationship.
Blimey, she was a mini-serial monogamist. She had always moved from one relationship to the next with a serious blurring of dates between commencement and conclusion.
And all of a sudden, she was alone. And she had never experienced this feeling in her adult life before. No wonder she felt so fucked up. No wonder she could never shake away that feeling of scared emptiness .
She climbed aboard and plonked the heavy bag down as she clung onto the slippery pole of the double decker bus as it bumbled its way to her work.
Along the way, she thought.
It’s been a fortnight now. It will be okay. Think positive.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
Clichéd glances. Eyes connecting. Awareness rising. Temptation. Titillation. Libido?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………
He smiles. She responds. He dares to allow his eyes to wander. She acknowledges. A short hello is spoken. He turns and zooms away.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Attraction is so interesting because there is almost an instantaneous feeling sometimes and yet simultaneously, the attraction grows and grows. Some people mistake this instantaneous feeling for love at first sight. Is it?
Caroline had noticed Adam before. She’d probably noticed him on her first day at work. He was just one of those people who stood out; tall, blond, cocksure, confident and gregarious; bit of prat really.
He was the person that everyone wanted to know, everyone wanted to talk to. Eyes followed him across the room, into the canteen. In the bar, people gathered around him.
Adam knew all of this and he loved it!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
He was always surrounded by very beautiful women. His best friend at work was this stunning dark haired deliciousness called Amanda. Without even knowing it, Caroline was attracted to Amanda.
At the time, she thought it was just a calling of friendship. The two women collided into communication by accident. Maybe, in retrospect, they were both attracted to one another, and whilst both were concentrating on their attraction to Adam, they were denying the reality of the sexual stimulation and the growing desire they felt for one another.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Christmas bashes.
Caroline wasn’t that bothered about going, despite the fact that Adam had asked her earlier in the day if she was coming along.
Only she was bothered about going because she had been stimulated to go by the attraction for this man.
Intuition was working. She felt that something was happening yet she couldn’t quite grasp what it was.
She walked tentatively into the room. Colin sprang to life and got her a drink.
Rosemary, her friend, and her sipped their cocktails quietly as they watched the first dancers of the evening.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
He walked alone onto the dance floor, looked up, smiled, mimicked a dance shuffle as a mimed invitation and beckoned her over.
She’d only been there for about twenty minutes. It was a little early for dancing, and there was poor Colin, clearly excited that she had accepted a drink from him, clearly gagging for a fuck with her.
Slight guilt at leaving Colin like this, she wandered across to Adam, who took her in his arms immediately.
Her strapless dress allowed his fingers to glide across her shoulders and straight onto naked skin.
For both of them, that was incredibly sensuous.
He wooed her with exactly the right words – she looked beautiful, he’d been worried about her over the last couple of weeks – a friend of a friend had told him about her split with Eamonn. The man must have been an idiot not to recognise the perfection of a woman he’d had in his life.
At the end of the first song, she moved to go but he held her resolutely and determined. She stayed and as he kissed her with such intense passion, her legs buckled, her heart plundered and she was his! She really was living in some sort of cliché.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Sex with Eamonn had become very samey. It was a routine and a ritual rather than responsive or warm. It was quick and meaningless. He’d never succeeded in making her cum in two years of fucking. She’d been frustrated. He’d been irritated.
Interestingly, he’d assumed it was her problem not his. He couldn’t do anything about her lack of libido. He had no role in being able to make a cumless woman climax.
She thought that this was just how it was. She had no great feeling between her legs. She wasn’t really that bothered by sex at all.
She wasn’t even sure that she had a libido. That night, she knew that there was something happening to her but at that time, she couldn’t have explained what. It was more than just a physical feeling. It was intense.
She wasn’t quite so stupid at that point to think she had fallen in love again but she couldn’t explain this combination of the physical, the sexual and what it was all doing to her head.
She was deeply attracted to him but it was more than that. She wanted to fuck him, and this had never happened to her before in her life.
She suddenly had an absolute urgency to be fucked.
Throughout the evening, he had held her. They had mingled with others with his hand firmly clasped around hers. He’d introduced her as his new woman. Such an assumption! but a correct one.
They danced the last dance and it was pretty obvious by the size of his erection that he needed a fuck as much as she did.
He gathered her into him so that she could feel his cock through his formal dinner suit, and as the singer mentioned making love, he repeated the words into her mouth, breathing deeply and urgently.
“Let’s go!” he whispered.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
They almost ran to the car and probably would have done so had it not been for the sheet ice between them and their getaway vehicle.
They clambered in, each thinking of nothing other than the fuck they were about to receive.
He lit two cigarettes, passing one to her, and they sat in contemplative silence for the rest of the journey home.
He walked around to help her out of the car. She had four inch heels and the road was a death trap of ice.
They went straight into his bedroom.
He swept the dress from her body. He undressed himself. She was painfully aware of how naïve and inexperienced she was. He told her he didn’t care.
Contraceptives were just about negotiated but in the haze of madness and urgency it was a miracle that this had happened. He spilled his spunk into an awaiting dressing gown when the time was right
He got her naked body under the duvet and smothered her with kisses. He slid his cock straight in. No foreplay, no fondles, just straight in.
It was fucking sensational. He didn’t cum after twenty seconds. He lovingly, carefully manipulated his body around so that her insides were sensitised by the movement. He looked down as he drew in and out of her, encouraging her to do the same. He fell with delight onto her tiny body, as she simply lay back and took what was coming.
She was deeply excited by this man, and once the penetration had taken place, they fell asleep together, wrapped around one another, warm, together, fucked up, loved up.
Half way through the night, he turned around and kissed her. He traced his hands over her body. She moved hers over his upper torso though was not sure whether to reach for his cock or not.
He slid his fingers into her cunt, which was clearly receptive to such a move. He dived further under the covers to taste her for himself. She loved that too.
He returned his face to hers, kissed her lightly as his cock soared into her pussy, delighting and moistening her once more.
They fell asleep again.
Awaking the next day, he pulled her on top of him and pushed his cock into her before she had chance to awaken properly.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Poor Caroline.
She hadn’t got a cat in hell’s chance of surviving this emotionally.
She was completely fucked out and she wanted more. She could have stayed in that bed all day being fucked senseless.
For the very first time in her life, she had allowed her libido to triumph over reason, because at that point in her life she hadn’t understood they were inextricably linked. She was so embarrassingly sexually naïve that there was no way that she could possibly have a one-night stand or fuck a new bloke on the first night, but here she was doing precisely that.
She was attracted to him. She’d actually been attracted to him before her break up with Eamonn but it hadn’t triggered a sexual response. It hadn’t awoken her libido.
She wasn’t sure that she had ever had a libido operating whilst she was with Eamonn. If it had, then it was on few and far between occasions.
Now she had a libido so inflated that she didn’t know how to handle it. She also had a boyfriend so hot and horny that it actually intimidated her, such were her insecurities in her own sexual prowess.
How was she ever going to be sexy and hot when she had a history of lying on her back, opening her legs and get a seeing to?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Still dressed in her fineries of evening wear she arrived back to the flat and plonked herself down at the kitchen table.
“Can you get drunk on sex?” she asked.
Eruptions of laughter ensued………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Caroline and Adam had a horny, hot relationship for a few months. They had sex at inopportune moments, like the time when everyone in the house was gathered for a Christmas meal, and Adam nudged her under the table, grabbed her hand and said, “Let’s fuck!”
It was rather obvious to all gathered what they were doing when they left the table before the end of the meal, and even more obvious when they returned to the table after their rather robust quickie.
She didn’t survive it emotionally. Adam became the scapegoat for her previous disasters.
(And suddenly, in writing this, she has seen the light!)
She fell in love with Adam, pathetically. She couldn’t cope with the loss of this godlike man who she had placed on some hopeless pedestal.
She was emotionally needy and she had discovered a need for sex but it was to no avail. He wasn’t really into her. She was too sexually inexperienced and squirmed at any suggestions of anything.
A couple of year later, they fucked again, just for the hell of it, on a couple of occasions.
They’d become decent friends by now and were free (ish) to do what they wanted.
A group of people had been out for a drink. It was all pleasant. There were no innuendos or flashing eyes. Nothing.
At the end of the evening, Adam asked her if she wanted a lift home. She accepted, expecting nothing. Once they were in the car, he drove her silently back to his place. She’d known he would.
They sat and had a drink and some toast and then got into bed.
They didn’t have sex. They just fell asleep but in the middle of the night, just as they had on their first night together, they fucked.
That’s all it was. Just a fuck. Quite a good one actually. One of the few she remembers from her youth when she had an orgasm.
It had been some time since she’d had an orgasm from penetrative sex, and it felt right.
……………………………………………………………………………………………….
The Verdict
It really was the weirdest thing.
Whilst I was writing this, it hit me like a lightening bolt! And if there are any young women reading this then please consider this carefully.
“Caroline” was besotted with “Adam”. As I said earlier, in truth, he was a bit of a tosser. He fancied himself far more than any woman he fucked but she had done the whole, stupid and wholly futile “falling in love” thing.
Having had years of abuse and disinterest from a man whose only sexual excitement came from considering his own needs, Caroline was now stimulated by a man who knew how to fuck her.
Eamonn had been very sexually needy. He needed to fuck Caroline regularly but he needed it for him. It was never really about her at all, even though he got pissed off (yes, really) that she couldn’t cum. Is it any wonder that her libido was non-existent and would revert to dormancy later in her life? It wasn’t the greatest of baptisms.
Whereas all of a sudden, she’d had her libido invigorated and enlivened. When she saw Adam, she had an actual physical sensation between her legs, in her heart. She had mistaken this for being “in love” when in actual fact, it was just her libido working in tandem with the attraction that she held for the man.
Is this what being “in love” is? Is it merely the physical of the libido and the imagination of the attraction working together to create an unreal and unsustainable situation?
Now for the lightening bolt!
Caroline wasn’t in love with Adam. She had found her libido. For the very first time in her life, she had discovered a slight insight into her own sexuality. Compared with now, it was insignificant but at that point, it was life giving.
She didn’t need Adam. She needed sex.
At the time, she thought that the depression that ensued was somehow some suppressed disappointment in the outcome of her relationship with Eamonn. She eventually reasoned that her pining wasn’t really for Adam. He was merely a scapegoat.
In the months after her split with Adam, she became very ill. She lost her joie de vivre. She stopped eating. She became painfully thin and her libido once more disappeared into the ether.
Is there a possibility that what had actually happened was that she had experienced the very real need for sex? When she suddenly realised that she wasn’t going to have sex, it felt as though her world had caved in. She didn’t want Adam. She wanted the feeling that he gave her. To put it bluntly, she wanted his cock in her cunt. She liked feeling libidinous.
Not only that, she had made the grave mistake of thinking that her libido was completely tied up with one person. She had convinced herself that sexual feelings were merely feelings for someone.
It would take her years to realise that the libido was separate from attraction and was separate from love.
However, when libido and attraction and love all collided into an experience that ensured the “utmost uninhibited depths of hearts, souls and spirit” – well, that is a sexual experience worth worrying about!
The point I am trying to make is that we should be explicit with our young people that there is a vast difference between the perfectly normal libidinous feeling and the attraction that we feel for a certain person. If we can make people understand the difference, then we could all be a little more realistic about relationships, particularly those that we experience in our youth.
And we might stop falling in love. Has anyone wondered why the phrase uses the word “falling”?
They can and do work together in a relationship but there may be times when the libido is working alone, irrespective of any emotional attachment or physical attraction.
Guess what, that is why people enjoy porn. It is their way of doing something positive about the very natural and positive aspect of their sexuality, i.e. their libido, especially if they do not have the opportunity to have sex with someone (even better if they can enjoy expressing their libido in this way with their sexual partner).
Caroline was depressed because she had found sex. She had discovered her libido and it was far too rapidly taken from her, as far as she was concerned. She hadn’t discovered dildos at that time. If only she had, she may not have ended up the emotionally fucked up person that she did.
She could have given herself a good seeing to which, at the very least, could have dealt with her sexual needs.
Finally, in saying all of this, I am not denying the genuine loss that people feel when they come out of a relationship. There is the intimacy of touch that is only partly conditioned by libido. There is genuine affection in some attraction and the loss of a special relationship can be devastating but if people woke up to the importance of sex then it bizarrely might ease the pain of break up to admit that they may be missing this as much as the person who gave it.
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