What is good sex?

Drinking a decent sauvignon blanc in a chic bar in town a few weeks ago, the conversation with an old friend casually limbered towards her relatively new boyfriend and their sex life – as you do!

This younger friend of mine had recently met a tall, muscular, blond beauty (according to her) and had spent the last four months exploring one another’s body with the usual vigour of early attraction.

“The sex is great” she said with a massive, satisfied and slightly smug face.

I rejoiced for her and with her. I like to hear about sex being good. I like to know that people that I care about are fully embracing their sexuality and enjoying the wonderment of this all important facet of being human.

But, in true Zenpuss style, I was also intrigued to find out what constituted good sex for this woman. This was purely  an anthropological enquiry as I am fascinated by peoples’ understanding of this judgement driven statement – sex is good.

“How good?” I asked “What is it that makes this sex good?”

She thought about it for some time, and then said, “Well, he always makes the effort to make me cum before we have penetrative sex, and we have some real enjoyable foreplay. Of course, he doesn’t make me cum vaginally because I don’t really think that’s possible. And whilst he cums quite quickly, it’s really good during the time that he’s inside me.”

Oh dear, I thought.

Without wishing to be intrusive, I had to ask a few follow –up questions.

1.       What makes you think that vaginal orgasms aren’t possible?

2.       Have you ever ejaculated?

3.       Why do you think that having short fucks that last a matter of minutes constitutes good sex?

There were more questions but these were a starting point.

With regard to the first, she explained that whilst she had seen porn sites where it looked as though people were having orgasms during penetration, she had never experienced this and thought that it was a bit of an act, akin to the screaming of Meg Ryan at the café in “When Harry Met Sally”. She said that she loved the feel of her man inside her, and it certainly excited her but didn’t bring her to a climax.

I politely and courteously explained that I had, on many occasions, reached orgasm through vaginal stimulation and that it wasn’t a figment of my imagination or the story-telling falseness of a porn video director.

“Well what does it feel like?” she said. “How do you know?”

How you know it’s an orgasm, I wondered. Well it just is!

A vaginal orgasm, I explained, doesn’t feel the same as a clitoral one but there’s something incredibly special about it, even if it doesn’t bring the deepest physical sensation that the clitty cum does. In many ways, the vaginal orgasm is deeper and more soul-lifting than the clitoral one.

It’s a difficult thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It’s a slow build, a lasting sensation that reverberates around your body, building and progressing and receding and renewing throughout the penetration. And yet there is still the point of climax where you can feel the delicate and intrinsic movement of cock on vagina wall with such intensity.

What sort of analogy could I use?

It’s rather like a child’s spinning top. You keep pressing down and pressing down to get the object to spin, and as you see the colours swirl into one another you begin to get excited at the prospect of the toy taking off on its own. Once the peak point has occurred, you release your hand from the spinning top and allow the toy to spin round with the force that you’ve given it. It twists and twirls, excites and energises itself through its perpetual movement, and then it gracefully slows down until it’s ready to be triggered into action again by a carefully adept human being.

Is that what a vaginal orgasm is like? To some extent, yes. The build-up is part of the delight and an integral part of the ultimate climax itself, but the beauty of it lasts throughout. It’s the growth of friction that passes by every tiny cell within, bringing it to life in just the same way as a cock reaches climax. Male ejaculation occurs through friction to the point of ejaculation. Why is it so impossible to consider that exactly the same scientific force can’t do the same for women?

“And you’ve experienced this vaginal orgasm?” my friend asked.

“Countless times” I responded. “I’m not suggesting that I cum in this way every time I have sex but very often. You need to engage your mind in the process without deliberately doing so”.

Well now we are onto a completely different learning curve. How can you explain to someone that they have to think without thinking if they have no understanding of such a contradictory concept? And this is why I write. Sex isn’t just a physical thing, and Zenpuss knows this explicitly. The Zen of sex is engaging the mind and the soul together with the body without making a conscious effort to do so. You need to lost your mind at the same time as engaging it. You need to think about the physical feeling of penetration without lingering on that thought to the detriment of the physical act of sex.

So we wandered onto the next subject of ejaculation.

“So what happens when you ejaculate?” she asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I said.

“I’m intrigued!” was her response.

“I need towels, lots of them”.

She looked at me, stifling a giggle or two. Incredulity sprawls across her face as she asks if it’s like the YouPorn clips of cascades of water emitting from a cunt.

The porn sites, full of squirters, are not digitally enhanced or computer generated. The women don’t have a balloon of water shoved up their fanny. This happens.

I explained that through both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, and preferably the two simultaneously, I (or others) can work my body into such a frenzy that it needs to release. The swelling of the organs has a range of responses but one of the responses is a physical build-up of fuck juices. Just as a man needs to release these at the point of climax then so too does a woman.

I gush, I told her. I gush, according to some, an extraordinary amount of liquid. I can do it to myself too. I can lie on a floor, open my legs, finger fuck myself to the point that I am lubricated enough to take a little bit more of my hand, and with the right frame of mind, and the right course of action, I can make myself cum, and in doing so I can spray a hell of a lot of juice out of my body.

This, for me, is an integral part of good sex. I’m not saying that this has to happen every time but I tend to be somewhat juicy and it has become an important part of my sexuality – to be able to release this incredible amount of juiciness that my body appears to manufacture during sex.

“But how do you know it’s not urine?” she asked – the question that so many people insist on asking.

I explained to her that it’s quite obviously not urine. Firstly, I tend to empty my bladder before sex anyway. I got into a habit of doing this as I did initially think that my juices may be urine and I wanted to be doubly sure that I was completely free of that sort of fluid prior to sex. I pointed out that I can pee and within minutes, with the right stimulation, can emit a cascade of liquid. Secondly, without being to blunt about the issue, it doesn’t smell like urine. It has a unique, almost neutral, smell all of its own. Thirdly, I’ve experimented and tested the emissions that prove that it’s not urine, but that’s another story.

And so we came to the final question – the longevity of sex. Good sex offers variety. A quickie can certainly be good sex, especially if it’s accompanied by mutual orgasms of whatever type but quickie after quickie with no possibility of 30, 40 or 50 minutes of love-making before climax is not what I would call good sex. No wonder she hasn’t experienced a vaginal orgasm. In my experience, that takes time. That old spinning top will peter out if you don’t’ give it enough force to speed off on its own.

The reason for talking about all of this is that it’s up to those of us who have experienced sex at its best to explain to the rest of the world what they might be missing. Good sex is good sex, some might say but when you know that good sex for others is only a fraction of what the body, mind and soul is capable of, then you really do have a duty to tell others about the real constitution of good sex.

It’s hard to explain all of this, and sometimes, it’s hard to really portray the all-encompassing brilliance of good sex but I can’t sit by and allow people to essentially experience mediocre sex when they have the potential to have brilliant sex with a person that they care about enormously. Life is too short to accept mediocrity. Life is too short to deny the importance, value and brilliance of sex, and life is certainly too short to deny the truth about female sexuality and all that it entails, which irritatingly and frustratingly still seems to be misunderstood by so many – so many who think they are enlightened in the joys of sex too!

I Want My Daughter to Sleep with her Partner

I'm lying in bed naked with a seriously small vibrator, unable to pleasure myself for three reasons.

1. I'm bored of the miniscule size of the equipment that reminds me of the inadequacy of a three-minute shag with wee blokes whose own equipment (and imagination) was sadly lacking.

2. There's something wrong down below. One of the damnable ironies of life is that a tingling sensation of an unknown infection is a little similar to the onset of an orgasm from a vigorous finger fuck.

3. My daughter is lying a flimsy wall away from me, presumably pleasuring her partner whilst I turn an insipid shade of green that she might have a warm body next to her all night whilst I lie here, legs straddled awaiting nothing but a soothing gush of cold air.

The good news is that if I do succumb to the little plastic performer, it won't take too long to tickle the tingle into a more pleasurable sensation, and yes, I do conduct an extremely hygienic clean-up operation.

They're giggling now, which is always joyous to hear. Soon, they will go through the noisy rigmarole of closing doors and opening others, to convince me that one of them is transferring to another room for the night. I really hope they don't go through with it. I really hope that they have been comforted enough by my own unsubtle door closure and exaggerated switching off of the lights, to remain in the same room and spend the night together.

That said, gawd help me if I want a glass of water or a trip to the loo in the next hour - another reason for not pleasuring my pussy.

I want them to sleep together. There are many reasons I want them to do this, number one being the immensely, warm and wonderful feeling of waking up either in the arms of a loved one or lying next to them knowing that they want to be next to you, ready to take you at their moment of wakening.

But on a purely practical level, I want them to sleep together to prevent her getting pregnant, and whilst that may sound bizarre, there is reason rather than deluded madness behind such a statement which I shall explain shortly.

Okay, there's a slight confession to be had here. It's not very likely that she's going to get pregnant. She's been taking contraception tablets for a few months now, ever since I noticed a look in her eye, and a maturity in her tone when talking about her boyfriend, that suggested to me her virginal days were about to be consigned to the past. This boyfriend and this relationship feels different - to her and to me. The soppy, awkwardness of teenage droopy-eyed ‘lurve’ is gone. I'm not saying he is THE one; forever and a day until their last breath leaves their withered body decades from now (please no!) but he could be THE one to bring her further into the bewildering brilliance of being a woman.

Just hopefully not tonight. I'd much prefer her first penetrative sexual experience to be in slightly more intimate surroundings, without the nervousness of a potential and accidental visit from a sibling - walking in on her mid flow, or without a need to curb her cries of delight so as not to offend her seemingly celibate mother.

I want my daughter to be able to scream out in ecstasy as she reaches her first penetrative climax. I want her to be enraptured and vocal when seeing her boyfriend spunk for the first time, assuming, of course, this hasn't already happened. I want her to be able to freely walk round the room and house, stark naked after sex; celebrating her liberation into womanhood.

I want her to experience all of this because she's ready for it in mind, body and soul. On reflection, had I waited and learned a little more about what I was actually doing, if I had been clear as to what I wanted, if I'd known my own body more intimately, then my first penetrative sexual experience might not have been so tragic. Furthermore, had I known how brilliant sex could be from the outset, I wouldn't have put up with huge bouts of mediocrity in my sexual life, and had I not had to wait for the real thing of complete freedom and intimacy to do absolutely anything I and a lover wanted with one another's bodies, then I might not miss it quite as much as I do.

The best things do come to those who wait, and mature sex is gratifying in a way that the spring-like urgency of youthful liaisons can't quite manage. However, l don't want my daughter to wait as long as I did for consistently wonderful sex, to the point where its loss is so painfully mourned.

So why do I think that sleeping with her boyfriend might prevent pregnancy, and let's assume she's not using any method of contraception. Whilst we're at it, let's pretend she's not my daughter. Let's imagine that she's like many, many teenagers who don't have either sexually enlightened parents or the confidence and solidity of a relationship with their parent to talk openly and comfortably about sex.

In fact, let's imagine she's a teenager who has only really found out about sex from discussions with peers, a couple of reads through "Cosmopolitan" and a secretive visit to a porn site that she could only bear to watch for the briefest of moments for fear of her internet history being tracked by her mother (who finds such sites abhorrent and abusive). Let's also assume she's had an average sex and relationships education, or let's be even more realistic and assume that she's had the sort of sex and relationships education that most kids in this country have had - the highlight of which was learning how to condom a courgette.

Let’s also assume that like many teenager over the age of consent, she has natural sexual desires.

The urge to have sex is instinctive. Desire can also instinctive to some extent but it is more to do with intuition – a feeling and a recognition and understanding of what makes you tick. Put the natural urge to fuck, together with the reasoned and rational need to respond to the mind’s desire, and that’s a force to be reckoned with. If you add to this unnatural restraints placed upon young people by parents who are understandably trying to protect them from having penetrative sex, then you are potentially forcing them into unsafe situations.

We have to acknowledge that young people have these urges and that they are so strong that they could lead a young person to defy their parents. If they can’t have sex with their parent’s permission, then that doesn’t mean that they’re not going to have sex. It just means that they might do it in a fit of passion, or with coercion, without the calm and careful use of contraception, in environments that might not be conducive to the real world of sexual wonderment. Without a proper sex and relationships education that realistically explains the joy of sex, and offers real and viable alternatives to penetrative sex, they’re going to rush into a fuck without the delightful exploration of their own sexuality and their own preferences beforehand.

I really don’t want that for my daughter. I don’t want it for anyone’s daughter or anyone’s son. I want them to experience the truly rewarding and life-enhancing brilliance of sexual empowerment and enlightenment. I want them to delay having penetrative sex for as long as possible. I want them to know their own bodies first.  I want them to explore one another’s body before penetrative sex too. I want them to be very clear in their minds that they have thought of all the connotations of having sex before they fall into an instinctive reaction to attraction.

That’s why I want my daughter to sleep with her boyfriend. I don’t want her first experience of sex to be a quick bang whilst I pop out to the shops with her siblings. I don’t want her first experience of penetrative sex to be in a field in the middle of nowhere just because this is the only place that they can get some privacy (though I do want her to experience this urgent sex eventually because al fresco is gorgeously stimulating in the right conditions). I don’t want my daughter to rush into penetrative sex without having experienced mutual masturbation or kissing in those special places that we seem unable to acknowledge in sex and relationships lessons, and I don’t want her to think that she has to have sex in exactly the same way that she might have seen on porn sites.

I honestly think that allowing her to sleep with her partner prevents unsafe situations for sex and unsafe, unprotected sex. It also has the added advantage of, when the time is right, enabling her first penetrative sexual experience to be something that she can treasure for a life time, with a proper build-up and a full understanding of one another’s bodies.

I would like all sex and relationships education teachers to really consider the whole notion of being sex positive. Young people probably laugh in their faces when teachers stick to a curriculum of factual information, denying the joy of sex and advocating a “just say no” policy of abstinence. Young people aren’t that stupid. They know that sex is good because if it wasn’t then why is our society so full of the stuff? Why are comedians seemingly obsessed with sexual stories? Why are advertisers all too willing to use sex to sell their goods? Why are newspapers and other media outlets smothered with stories about sex?

It’s an integral part of life and the sooner we all accept this, the better for ourselves and our youngsters. We need to be honest with our young people and we owe them the opportunity to experience sex in the best way possible.

For my children, I don’t want them to have the sexual start that I did. I want them to have a healthy respect for sex, and a healthy respect for the sexuality of their chosen partners as well as a full understanding of their own sexuality. I want adults to stop being so bloody hypocritical, and remember what they were doing at the same age before they start lecturing their children about sex. I want parents to remember their own experiences of early sex, and if they were good experiences, accept that their children are ready for it too and make sure that they are given the best start in their sexual lives, and if it was bad, then do everything you can to prevent that from happening to your most cherished beings.

Finally, apologies for writing so much but as you can see, I’m quite passionate about the subject. 

A New Beginning

It's been just over a year now since I woke up in bed with a lover with the delightful and life-affirming joy of wanting to make love to one another. It's been over six months since I had sex, of any description.

Anyone who has read my blog will know that I am completely committed to ensuring that women have a full understanding of their sexuality in order that they can fully enjoy life. Whilst it pains me enormously to be without sexual pleasure myself that does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for bringing the full force of glorious sexuality to others.

My sexuality and my enjoyment of sexuality is in the intimacy I have with a lover. It's not and never was just about sex and physical desire. Anybody who knows me intimately knows that to be true. I don't lust after any particular person. I do "lust" after intimacy with a person - though lust is definitely the wrong word.

But that's just about me. I understand and appreciate fully other women who just like sex. It works for them on a purely physical level, and that is absolutely fine too.

Sex is a vital component of life, and coming from one who has experienced an extremely asexual life as well as years of being overtly sexual, I think I know what I am talking about.

Today is the start of a new month, a new season and brings forth the potential for new life.

I am not giving up on my sexuality and I am certainly not giving up on raising the awareness of female sexuality for others. I love sex and I want others to love sex too. I've had a horrible and, in my opinion, humiliating experience. Not being desirable to someone is one thing. Not being told is something completely different. It's humiliating, and that humiliation is the very greatest of turn-offs. This isn't about blame. It's an opinion, and I want this to be absolutely clear, I am not apportioning blame to myself or to others. Relationships are complicated. That's life. Honesty in complicated. That's life too. Sex can complicate. That also is part of life's richness, be it positive or the opposite.

Today, I want to reignite the very dormant state of Zenpuss. She has lived in a shadow of uncertainty and lack of fulfilment for too long. As much as she misses sex, she misses talking about sex too, and she misses her own voice in hopefully helping others to embrace the wonderment of their sexuality.

To this end, I shall begin to write once more, and hopefully, one day, I will have a note from someone somewhere who says that my thoughts and ideas have awakened or reawakened their sexuality.