This morning on the radio, I listened to a woman in her
thirties talking about sexuality, sexual freedom and the “de-gendering” of
sexual desire.
Emily Witt has written a book called “Future Sex” and
although I haven’t yet read it, the reviews and commentaries suggest it’s a
book I will be picking up very soon.
Emily’s comments about sexuality resonated with my own.
It’s wrong to assume that women are incapable of enjoying
pornography. It’s wrong to assume that women should play a subliminal role in a
sexual relationship where the desire and orgasm of the man is the most
important issue (obviously I’m talking about heterosexual sex in this case). It’s
wrong to think that women can’t want
physically, sexually in a way it’s assumed men do.
Surely this isn’t news?
And yet it sadly is to some, though it’s also refreshing
to hear it on a mainstream programme such as “Woman’s Hour” – even though it
shouldn’t be perceived as unusual or sensational.
When is the world going to wake up to the desires of
women and refrain from appalling name-calling if a woman admits that she’s not
monogamous, likes outlandish sex, fantasises about fucking people other than
her partner and basically enjoys sex?
Emily Witt was asked whether she was in a monogamous
relationship. Her answer was that it was “monogamish”.
I think that’s something I always wanted. Monogamish.
Having been through one supposedly monogamous
relationship, all I wanted was “monogamish”. I never wanted to deny anyone
their sexuality – including my own sexuality. Monogamish is honest. For some, it’s
very real - attainable. It’s accepting the importance of a relationship
irrespective of sexual “indiscretions” – which aren’t indiscretions if there’s
honesty and trust in every aspect of every relationship.
The only reason
for saying this is that I think this could be said of many people, if they were
honest enough to admit it.
Monogamy does work for some people. It really does. But
for others, it’s an impossibility – and a perpetual feeling of failure is good
for no-one. For others, it was and shall never be an aspiration or a desire.
Some people like monogamy. Some people like polyamory.
Some people like bigamy. Some people like sex with relative strangers. Some
people like fucking, just because of the physical sensation. Some people can
only commit to sex with someone they have deep affection for.
There are no rules and there are no definites – other than
the fact that sex is a very personal issue, and that “decisions” on sexual
preferences or desires are as fluid as – well – you know!
One point I would take up with Emily Witt is the notion
of sex being a young person’s game. She may well not have had the time to
discuss it fully within the programme, but she implied that people were at
their sexual prime in their twenties and that sexual desire kind of dwindled
after that.
I can state categorically that I was more sexually active
and aware in my forties than my twenties. I had a greater energy for sex and
sexual experimentation in my forties rather than my twenties. My body may not have
been as good as it was when I was twenty-odd years younger but that never
negated the desire – once I’d got over the fact that my body was less
attractive as it once had been. Mind you, my tits were bigger in my forties
than they were when I was a youngster. So that was some consolation.
There is probably only one rule when it comes to sex –
never assume.
Never assume that your desire will magically synchronise
with your partner or lover all of the
time. Never assume that attraction is always going to be maintained.
Never assume monogamy.
Never assume that people in their 20s enjoy sex more than
people in their 50s.
Never assume that you’re always going to want homosexual
or heterosexual sex.
Never assume that just because a woman loves watching
other women caressing their breasts or fingering their fanny that they
automatically want to have sex with another woman.
Never assume that certain sex is “kinky”. It’s a personal
choice.
Never ever, ever, ever assume that sex is for another
person’s fulfilment and not your own.
The list goes on.
I love this quote from an interview Emily Witt did with “Vogue”
magazine.
The narrative that female sexuality is less desire, it’s less
volatile, that it’s turned on by stories rather than images, that it thrives
best in monogamous environments, in comfortable and safe environments, all of
these ideas in the culture about what makes women sexually happy; for me,
suspending those ideas allowed me to experience the feelings in my body, to
name them for what they were, and to be surprised by what could make me happy.
If I pushed myself a little bit outside of my comfort zone, outside what I was
taught to want, I was able to feel a greater sense of agency over my own
happiness.
As a woman, I feel entitled to everything that I’ve
experienced sexually. Maybe “entitled” is the wrong word. You can’t be entitled
to sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you. But I do feel, as a
woman, entitled to the sort of sexual liberty and healthy libido that’s all too
frequently determined by gender stereotypes associated with men.
This is liberation. This is the feminist freedom that so
many of our predecessors could barely dream of – through our sexuality “a
greater sense of agency over my own happiness”.
For this I will always be truly grateful.
…………………………………
For more on the interview with Emily Witt for Vogue - http://www.vogue.com/13491469/future-sex-emily-witt-interview/
Future Sex –
P.S. Bloody love the front cover of this book. How
gloriously erotic!
