The Sex Researchers

So what did I make of the sex programme on Channel 4 recently?

Well, it was certainly refreshing to watch an entire hour of television scheduling that was concerned with the female orgasm. Let’s not take anything away from the fact that Channel 4 at least tried to consider this most important of issues.

Being a bit of a researcher myself, albeit from the comfort of a sofa or desk, I was already aware of some of the content, including the hysteria treatment and the outcomes regarding the alleged purpose of the female orgasm.

However, there were a few snippets of new things in there too.

So having watched it, what did it tell us?

·         That there is such a thing as the female orgasm – yes, I think they have probably agreed on that at least

·         That there is no purpose to the female orgasm other than enjoyment – more on this later

·         That women are more easily aroused by less overt sexuality than men – so why do we still have this nonsense that a man thinks about sex more frequently than women, or is that a different issue?

·         That there is still no real agreement about the position or even the existence of a G-Spot – can this really still be under negotiation? I’ll bloody well prove it exists to anyone who wishes to watch

·         That women are aroused through clitoral stimulation –Mmmmm. Yes, I worked that one out in my teenage years

·         That the clitoris actually extends further than its head which could explain vaginal orgasms – yep worked that one out too

And beyond that did we actually learn anything at all?

I’m not entirely sure that we did. And in that list above is there anything that you did not already know?

And what of this research? The couple from the USA, William Masters and Virginia Johnson allegedly discovered that there was no biological or physical purpose to the female orgasm. However what happened after their research? Did nobody query their findings? Did everyone simply accept that this incredible thing that happens to our bodies is simply ignored as being unimportant because it certainly seems that way to me.

And what of this whole thing about women being aroused by fairly insubstantial stimulation. What about that? Surely this should be excellent news to all those who are interested in female sexuality. Guess what girls – we appeared to get excited about watching animals fucking. Something actually happens within our vaginas that shows arousal – did anyone explore or even mention the erection that takes place inside a woman? A mere mention of the thickening of the walls of the vagina is not good enough. There is an erection taking place in there, and it remains there, as far as my personal experience is concerned, for much longer than a male erection.

For instance, I have just been wonderfully aroused and I am now sitting on a cunt full of erection. Must go and do something about that!

Returning to my point, isn’t the fact that women are so readily aroused open up all sorts of doors, or fannies, for further exploration? Doesn’t it say something about the brilliance of the female sexual mind that can transfer the subtlest of images into something that makes you want to fuck like crazy or finger yourself to climax or even better grab the most wonderful person in your life and demand a healthy dose of cock?

This is HUGE!

This tells us that there are far too many women suppressing natural and instinctive feelings and thoughts about their sexuality and doing precisely nothing about it. What a bloody tragedy? What can we do to empower these women to wake up to this fact and do something about it? What can we do to spread the word about this and tell these blokes all around us that we really are sexual beings and they don’t have to do too much to get us going?

Far too frequently, people ignore the most important sexual organ in the body and it appears that the woman’s brain is clearly a force to be reckoned with as far as brilliant sex is concerned.

The programme missed an opportunity here to say this. If there has been so much research on sexuality, on the female orgasm, then why are we still having debates as to whether it exists or what its function is? Why are we not concentrating on the very good news that women are clearly sexual animals that have a healthy and natural attitude to sex and yet still feel somewhat subliminal in the way that sexuality is portrayed as a man’s thing?

The programme also missed another obvious element of the female orgasm. There was not a single mention of ejaculation. Not one single word. In all the fucking that we watched, in all the finger stimulation not once did the camera capture a seepage from the cunt or even mention the possibility, and yet this is such an integral part of sex for some of us.

And if these sex researchers put their minds to it, have they not reconsidered not only the purpose of the female orgasm but also the purpose of the spunking too?
And another thing, where does all that juiciness come from? Has anyone ever tried to get to the bottom of that one?

The problem with sex research is that it has been limited to a certain aspect of sexuality and never seems to look at the whole thing – holistically, and once hypotheses have been founded or unfounded, then the whole thing seems to grind to a terrifying halt, and meanwhile there are women all over the world who still hide away from their own wetness and still feel ashamed at the arousal they seem to get from the softest of images.

There was one other element of the programme that somewhat got my back up. There was talk of the G-Spot and the clitoral orgasm. It turned out that feminists of the 70s were rather perturbed by this bollocking rubbish about there being a G-Spot. Why? Because apparently one needed to rely on a bloke to get to the spot and hit it (or touch or tickle) in order to achieve this very different sort of orgasm.

Marches were arranged, probably the forerunner of the SlutWalks where feminists decried the whole notion of a G-Spot because of this involvement of the man. They argued that the clitoral climax was the most significant because of the fact that it could happen as a DIY. Those girlies didn’t need a man and they did not like the idea of an orgasm being reliant on the fingering or the cock-shoving of another.

Talk about cutting your nose off!

Had they not considered the fact that they could get their own fingers up their cunts with the infamous beckoning motion? And if they didn’t want to do that or didn’t want to be reliant on a man, then why not ask their female buddies to have a go? It still exists whether it be touched by a male or a female. Personally I think the males do it rather well with the longer and stronger fingers.

And anyway, even if it is better for a man to stimulate the G-Spot, so bloody what? Surely the ultimate pleasure of climax far outweighs the alleged reliance on another to help you to the place?

Madness!

.................................................................................

In looking at this whole programme and researching for this article, I came across a couple of comments within the newspapers and blog-sphere that I would like to now pay a short amount of attention to.

Here is the first one, taken from the Daily Telegraph after the transmission of the first programme. It starts by saying “The past, in the end, is an innocent place.... how comically naive they (the research outcomes) are revealed to be”.

Are they naive? Wasn’t there something in that hysteria treatment? Wasn’t it true that the research on arousal pointed to what we still haven’t fully accommodated about female arousal?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/8580667/Revealed-at-last-the-truth-about-sex-and-mule-dung-The-Sex-Researchers-Channel-4-review.html

The article goes on “What can one do but shake one’s head at its bumpkin ignorance, and congratulate oneself on having had the wisdom to be born in a spotlessly enlightened time like the present?”

The writer is joking isn’t he?

No apparently not. He continues. “Such was the self-satisfaction that washed over me as I enjoyed The Sex Researchers, the first episode of a documentary series reminding us how hopeless previous generations were about sex, compared with today, when we all know everything and are sexually fulfilled”.

So he is joking then. Phew!

Only he’s not. He seriously seems to think that all of this research is a done deal, job completed and we can steer well away from the complex issues of female sexuality for good.

I wonder if he has ever experienced a torrent of female ejaculation. Do you think he would be so smug and complacent if he had and there was no valid explanation, scientific or not to account for this wonderful phenomenon?

Here is the next one

http://www.newstatesman.com/television/2011/06/nosy-parker-sex-women

Written by a woman, is it going to be any more enlightened?

Here is a great quote.

“Meston [one of the researchers] wants to find out why women don’t have more orgasms, which seems to me to be a futile project; I’m not sure that most of us feel such a lack and, even if some do, it’s hardly a matter of life and death”.

Well I would actually be very interested in why I do have lots of orgasms. And why after having so many orgasms I still have an insatiable need for further ones. I mean once I am in a sexual zone, there is no stopping me. Once I am aroused, I am aroused. Even feeling like a hopeless mess cannot take away from the physical feeling between my legs.

It’s all just pointless titillation to some.

The final clip comes from Dr Petra Boynton who is writing prior to watching the programme, hoping that it will provide interesting viewing and also give some sensible credence to those in the field who are genuinely dedicated to learning about sexuality for the benefit of our poor, confused race.

http://www.drpetra.co.uk/blog/the-sex-researchers-channel-4/

My only hope is that Dr. Petra and her colleagues take on board some of my points regarding next steps for research and also this whole issue about the female ejaculation, and maybe Mr. Bod from the Daily Telegraph will realise that we have hardly scratched the surface on the knowledge, the experience and the amazing diversity of sexuality that we haven’t even begun to consider.

Not Enough

Not Enough

I said “Enough!” and I meant it. Quite frankly, I wish I could run a mile from all sorts of sexual difficulties at the moment – and then again, it isn’t to do with sex. Not really. The sexual nature of everything is almost the simplest part of the equation.

Enough! I said.

But then there is the other side. Not enough.

And sometimes in life, there is “not enough”. Not enough time to talk and then spend the rest of the day together, and the night too. Not enough time to hold one another, be with one another, relaxing together and just doing basic things together. Not enough time to apologise. Not enought time to reassure.

Not enough! But I am not talking about that for now – my “not enough” is totally about the reality and rawness of sexual desire today.

And I have made a decision that I am never going to cry out “enough!” on that one.

I was watching the television programme about the Sex Researchers on Channel Four (as promised, more on that in another blog, hopefully tomorrow) where they were discussing the treatment for hysteria as Zenpuss has blogged about previously. Swarms of Victorian women were clamouring to be ‘treated’ for their hysteria as though they were queuing up to climb the school ropes for “that funny feeling”. These poor women were sent off for the melancholy treatment only to discover something that they had never experienced and were damn sure that they wanted to experience it again – the female orgasm.

Historically, there are some that see these women as victims; oppressed middle class ladies, sent off to try and sort themselves out so that they could be accommodating to their husbands’ sexual needs after treatment. But in many ways, these women weren’t the victims. They were the blessed. Because someone took the trouble to wake up their sexuality and stick and great big rogering instrument up their fannies to give them an experience of utter delight.

Now maybe some of them went away from their treatment and decided that perhaps their husband’s cock could give them the same pleasure. So surely, they couldn’t then be classified as victims. However, I suspect that others were possibly maltreated with expectancy and the worst thing of all is that I would expect that the majority of them never climaxed from the potentially non-existent stimulation from the husbands after receiving their treatment which is why they returned time and time again back to the fucking machine – literally!

Sometimes a girl just needs plastic or in the case of the Victorian women, wooden or glass dildos with electric forces to stimulate the allegedly non-existent G-Spot.

Hysteria – oh yes, we all suffer from it from time to time and some more than others.

Hysteria, panic, fear, angst, anguish: I wish I had a decent orgasmatron doctor on tap to accommodate my needs when faced with an unhealthy dose of hysteria.

But that’s right. I do!

And surely the one treatment for a woman who feels her lover is deserting her is a gentle or not so gentle reminder that her cunt is still the most delicious thing and he wants to get his hard cock right up inside it as it showers his head with a multitude of grateful eruptions.

I am a fucking volcano, and sometimes that can actually be quite a good thing because just as my passion can air itself in a feisty and negative way, then so too does the positive force of fire comes into play.

And when I am hysterical, albeit in as a controlled way as I can muster, what I need more than anything then is some fucking. Yes, hard and shameless fucking but in the long run I also need some seriously sensual love making to make me feel as the significant woman that I am.

But it all makes me think. Would I have been quite as hysterical about everything had I not been deprived of a decent amount of sex for a few days too many? Am I actually a woman who needs sex on a daily basis, if not two or three times a day?

I think I am.

I think I need my break of fast in the morning with sex, just as others might feel the need for a piece of toast. I need cock, and if I cannot have cock then the dildo will have to do.

I need sex for lunch – perhaps a nice raunchy fuck to enliven me for the rest of the day, and I need an evening session of making love, of bonding, of closeness to ease me into an evening of slumber or aloneness.

I really do need a fuck – very, very frequently and at this moment in my life, I only want it from one source.

But my need for a fuck is almost exacerbated by the conversations that we have had recently, and bizarrely, as much as I yearn for a couple of hours in bed with my lover (when was the last time we did without having to go through more breaking news, more anguish and tears, more comforting and placating?) I also want some deeply passionate love-making. It may look too urgent or even aggressive to be love-making but I happen to believe that even the most desperate of fucks is precisely that for me and my lover.

In my hysteria I need a fuck even more. My fucks are not recreational sex. However much they may seem so, I do not fuck my lover as a recreation, though of course there is an element of recreational enjoyment in it. I need it to be more than that though. Yet, I really, really do need fucking at the moment; not as reassurance but because there is a physical need to get something moving in my body so that I can firmly stay in the now for every second possible.

Maybe it is a sort of therapy. Maybe it is a sort of denial – everything will be fine as long as I have his cock up my cunt. But there is nothing wrong with living in the now and there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are a bit more needy than usual on the sex side, not out of envy, not as part of proving a point, merely a very urgent need to be fucked as a partial resolution for my hysteria.

Now admittedly, it would be hard to recognise the difference; horny Zenpuss or hysterical Zenpuss? They both need regular fucking.

But whilst horny Zenpuss can just be a little bit patient if a day goes by without a fuck, hsyterial Zenpuss is a little more upset by the prospect, and may I reiterate once more that it is not a conscious decision or consideration that I am trying to prove my sexual prowess. At this point in time, I’d be mortified if I was having to do that after all the years of sensational fucking. As much as I may be a desperate moo, I’m not desperate enough to have cock up me for sympathy!

But of course, there is a confidence thing. Mine has been knocked, and I find it difficult to consider that sex with me is not as enjoyable as it once was because of the presence of another sexual being in my lover’s life.

But that aside, it is clear that there may be a multitude of reasons why I need sex more at the moment, but I am convinced that some of it is due to calming my destructive emotions. If I fill my mind, body and soul with passionate feelings and heightened sexuality then the rest of the world does not exist.

There is a time and place for everything. I need sensual. I need adoration too. I need to know my lover longs for me as much as I do him but I also need a damn good fuck.

Don’t try this at home, they say. DO try this at home.

My cunt is exploding with mini-orgasms some six hours after I had made love today. My cunt is so gloriously aroused that I can get myself off in an instant. My dildo is beside me ready to be inserted the minute I stop writing, and tomorrow morning I will still need to be stuffed full of fingers or cock at the earliest opportunity.

So what do I need you to try at home? A fucking fisting, that’s what. A deliciously urgent fisting, preferably after requesting it, KY smothered on the whole of the hand and a gradual sliding in to immerse the whole hand up my cunt.

Do try this at home, especially if you are feeling a little hysterical, and if you’re not, then pretend! In fact, perhaps I ought to continue being hysterical and carrying a load of destructive emotions if the end product is this much passion – but of course I jest. I’ll still want the sex without the hysteria – be assured.

And after the fist has been removed, make sure you knock a big cock up there as soon as the hand has withdrawn. The orgasm is fucking unbelievable, prolonged and intense. I love it!

Sex is not the answer to everything. It is causal as well as effective but those Victorians were onto something with their treatment and maybe we should be aware of the great healing powers of Zen sex that is totally about the passion, togetherness, raunchiness and wonderment of the single moment in time.

Definitely NEVER enough.

Enough

In A Pickle Again

I am not writing this blog to be provocative to a certain person. That person knows full well that in order to come to terms with everything that is happening to me at the moment, I just need to write it down, reflect and try and move on in a more positive frame of mind.

I could write this personally, to that special person, but I sincerely hope that if there are readers out there who are interested and who may even be going through some similar issues, then I hope that my writing may help them in their own decisions.

They may decide that having read between the lines about the mistakes that I have made, they may choose an alternative course of action. They may indeed decide that polyamory isn’t for them after all.

First and foremost, I need to give a brief background to the situation.

I am a woman who has been with her partner for twenty odd years and who has been having a relationship with another man for a substantial amount of years. In the first instance this man was in a committed relationship to another person. After three years, that relationship disintegrated in the main because the other person could not deal with my lover’s insistence on a non-exclusive relationship.

Since then, despite a few possibilities, I have been my lover’s only lover and he mine. There were occasional duty fucks that needed to happen but those have now stopped.

A few months ago, he met a couple of women that he was attracted to. He is a very attractive man, he is an extremely sexual man, despite the fact that he was under the impression that his libido was diminishing, and he had never ever promised me an exclusive relationship.

Complacency crept in on my part. I had begun to assume that whatever polyamorous relationship or friendship he had with another would be relatively fleeting; a passing admiration and bit of sexual stimulation, and he would continue with our relationship, not an exclusive one, but one that he knew enabled him to have this liberty as and when he needed and desired.

I was incredibly naive and stupid because I knew that despite his strong sexuality, he would not fuck anyone. He’s not like that.

So when he did fuck other women, I thought I would be okay with it, I could deal with it, and I suddenly realised that I wasn’t and I couldn’t. That is a nasty wake up call for someone who thought they were more enlightened than they actually were.
 I’d had my way too long.

He told me he needed to see other women, and I respected that. He told me that he wanted to fuck other women although initially he didn’t need to. I accepted that, admittedly reluctantly. Now, he is enjoying the company and the sexuality of another woman and it is not a fleeting thing. It is definitely a desire and maybe it is a need to, although this is clearly debatable.

We have talked to the point where we are both sick and tired of the conversation. He says I am accusatory and imply that he has done something wrong. I am feeling hurt despite the fact that I know he has done nothing wrong other than be the reluctant cause if my grief – and that is my fault not his – ergo he has done nothing wrong. He has been, at all times, totally honest.

But knowing the pain I was placing upon myself, at one point he said that it was possible for him to have a platonic relationship with these women.

I think we both knew that this was impossible. Firstly, there was no way I could ask for this and secondly it would have been an impossibly difficult thing for him to do.
He was attracted to them, he had made no commitment of exclusivity to me and in not having a sexual relationship with them this could easily have turned to resentment towards me.

However, in all of this, he continues to say that he is deeply committed to me and our relationship, that it is extremely significant in his life and he does not want there to be any difference to our relationship.

There is a very dark side of me that says if it was so perfect, if there was nothing missing in the intimacy, the sexuality, the togetherness, the commitment to one another, then why put all of that in jeopardy? But that is unreal. It is not what polyamory is about. And besides, there clearly were elements that were missing, like the mere fact of wanting to be with other people, like the fact that my availability is painfully limited – for both of us, amongst other things.

You could, we were, having the most perfect relationship and that will never be enough, under any sort of circumstance because the desire to do rather than to think or to look is too great.

That is the way it is.

My lover is not and never will be a one-woman man. However, that does not negate his commitment to me.
I am sure there are some people who are reading this who think that his commitment is drastically diminished by the fact that he is now having sex with another person. There is part of me in that place too but I know, in my heart of hearts, that this is not the case. Besides, the destruction and the fear is not around the sex. It is about the intimacy with another person. That is where all my fears tangle up and create havoc.

His commitment to me is more absolute than many who have taken vows to say so. I just have to believe in that and enable him to trust me once more to be able to manage myself and my destructive emotions.

And then I go and say stupid things like wanting to be the primary relationship in his life, and I don’t want to be the primary relationship by longevity. I want it because I have made certain commitments and taken certain risks because I believed in this relationship so much. I want it because I find it almost impossible to believe that he could be as close to another person as he is to me.

Is it stupid? Isn’t it a reasonable thing to ask considering everything we have been through and the value that both of us place upon our relationship?
He argues that there is no need to have a pecking order and a priority list because it is impossible to “grade” relationships that by default are so different. It is impossible to call ours the primary relationship in his life. It is so very different from anything else or the relationship he is having with another. I know he is right.

And yet this thing niggles at me and I know it shouldn’t.

It’s like one step forward and I push him again, and again, and again.

To the point that I asked him if he would consider telling his other lover/s about me.

Why did I want this so much? Partly because I wanted them to be informed about me, partly because of the last paragraph – I wanted them to know I was his woman and he was my man, partly because once they had made a decision whether to enter into a polyamorous relationship with him, I could then make a decision as to whether I really did want a polyamorous relationship, whether I was as enlightened as the other women/woman.

Of course, this all falls down because the ‘my man’ and ‘my woman’ is misinterpreted as possession. I genuinely do not want to possess another. I have been possessed (no pun intended) and it is not what I want ever, EVER again. But that does not mean I do not want commitment. It does not mean that I do not want a specific relationship in my life that I choose to prioritise over other relationships that I have now or in the future; platonic and sexual.

My polyamory is therefore somewhat different to that of my lovers.

At first, before all of this happened, I had a very flawed view of polyamory for me, for us. It was casual, having an occasional fuck with an attractive person. It was a possible fuck-buddy that was so occasional I would not be intimidated by it.
Now that has changed. The next thing I wanted was a polyamory that means that I am seen as the main relationship in his life. It works for many polyamorists, as previous blogs are testament to.

But the reality is that this is still nowhere near his view of polyamory, and that is another challenge for me to eventually come to terms with.

He is a total darling. He has been pushed and shoved by me. But I have too. I have had to accept a huge change in my life that does not need to be huge at all. It’s all in my head. The experience, the reality of polyamory does not need to change anything in our relationship.

If we are the soul-mates that I think we are, and still do, then nothing needs to change.

But irrespective of whether the change is in my mind or not, for now, it feels present, and I know it is up to me to do something about it. Yes, of course, he could help me along the way with some unprompted reassurance rather than the type I have been pleading for so far.

But ultimately it is down to me to manage, to be emotionally intelligent, to be more than accepting of this new phase in his life.

The Zen way is the present, not the future, and this is something that I need to do more than ever in my life before.

I cannot sit each evening wondering. I cannot think about how intense the sharing is becoming with another because ultimately that will damage our relationship completely.

I cannot sit there and think that by the time I am finally free then the other relationship may be so well established that whatever plans we have discussed will be unattainable.

If I am to think about the future, then I have to be more positive and see it exactly as we have always discussed; that we will live in the way that both of us choose; sharing huge amounts of time together whilst making sure that we do not smother one another with a hopeless exclusive relationship that stagnates with its conformity and restriction. For both of us.

As I have said before, polyamory would be so much easier if I was free to practice more of it myself.

So why am I writing this?
As I said, partly to clear my head from another arduous day that I have inflicted upon him and partly to try and help others from the errors of my ways.

I am committed to polyamory. Everything that I have written, I believe in when I am at my lightest. Today is not a light day. But they will come and go, and soon I hope they fuck off completely because I desperately want to embrace the theory that I think is the most sensible way of living. Honestly.

............................................

And now, enough. Enough, enough.

Time to move on, to get on with my life and to enjoy the fact that my lover is a sexy, gorgeous man who I want to spend considerable time with, getting to know even more, growing and learning together, trusting and sharing in our special committed way and just enjoying the most spectacular of relationships that anyone would be lucky enough to experience. Our relationship - unique. Ours. 

Coupledom and Companionship

Today’s writing is a short offering because I need to get on with some important things.

These last few weeks have been somewhat challenging for a gal like me; all the theorising, the thoughts, the feelings – all intermingled in a delightfully complex tangle.

And despite everything, despite the anguish, the hurt, the genuine pain I have felt, I do mean ‘delightfully’.

Because I suppose the most important thing to do is embrace complexity and realise that occasionally or indeed frequently in our lives we are challenged to the point of exhaustion on some fundamental ways of living. And that has to be a good thing.

It’s not easy. There are still huge fluctuations at the moment. Whilst being seemingly at calm with myself and new situations I find myself in, I can then suddenly find myself in a complete turmoil, which lasts fleetingly but the damage to my equilibrium is done, leaving lingering questions that I know I should dismiss from my mind and get on with feeling and living for the moment of wonderment that I experience all around me so very often.

In my effort to calm myself, I always find writing and reading to be a great comfort. So I took myself to the internet once more for guidance from a more objective standpoint than either my own or my lover’s.
So here is a small quote from one such piece of internet browsing.

“My heart hurt just as if someone had punched a hole through my chest and ripped it out still beating, as in some Aztec sacrifice ritual. Sometimes it hurt really bad. Sometimes it was just a dull persistent pain. Sometimes it hurt for a while and kind of came to a crescendo and then stopped just as suddenly as it had begun. I tried as best I could to let it go. “

Brad  Warner – my new main man!

He goes on to discuss thoughts, feelings, perceptions and sensations, ever changing.

“Some were pleasant. Some were not. Most were neither. They just were........... And sometimes after a long while of feeling great my chest would hurt again. So it goes.”

How utterly refreshing to hear the words from a Zen Master who is big enough to admit to his own irrationalities and his own fluctuating thoughts! And I thought I was losing sight of my ability to be Zen-like! But no. In these small clippings from a most sensational book (so far), I recognised myself and felt great comfort that even the most practiced of Zen Masters were troubled with the same forms of anxiety that I am, and sometimes just couldn’t let go of the thinking.

It also made me think that although these pieces were written by a man suffering from a ‘broken heart’ and over spilled love for a woman who turned away, the same can be said for dealing with bereavement of any kind. It certainly resonated with me.

Being me, I couldn’t hold my fire on reading and purchasing such a book and managed to get an additional copy of it to my lover.

Why? Because whatever we are going through, whatever journey we are taking, we often, so very often converge along our pathways – in thought and mind and deed.

This one was so big that I needed to share it with him.

Possibly there is affirmation in this writing for him, learning for me, and possibly the other way round as well to a lesser or greater degree.

I mean – sex and relationships? Is there anything more important, and to have it explained in a Zen way – ooh I am so excited.

I cannot wait for us to sit together and discuss it more – my Zen-mate. Yes, I like that.

However, I shall return to this book frequently, I expect, over the course of my next few blogs. Perhaps it will resonate with me so much that I will be perpetually quoting from it as a book that all should read. We shall see.

But this is not my purpose of writing today. That is for later. However, I suppose I wanted to justify to myself as much as anyone else why I still get the queries and thoughts jumping into my head, and how, in some ways, I need to go through this process to finally embrace the feeling.

I have questions. Why shouldn’t I? I’m an inquisitive type of person and maybe had I not been so, I would never have even considered looking at Zen in the first place, and I certainly wouldn’t have been living the life I am leading right now. But I have and I am so incredibly grateful that I have found this pathway of experience and thought and everything. Bloody everything!

But there are still the questions. Niggle, naggle, bollocks!

They are getting fewer by the minute, and hopefully, they are getting more objective, though they are clearly driven by presupposed assumptions on next steps and the journey onwards.

So the main question for the day is this. How do you explain to another person the nature of a relationship that goes way beyond the alleged closeness of coupledom? How do you explain to another about what the companionship, the sexual bonding, the sensational brilliance, the togetherness actually means, actually is, whilst at the same time explaining that there is no coupledom involved? How the hell do you do it?

Of course, one answer is that you don’t need to. Nobody needs to know about the extent of one relationship that is almost impossible to explain. But in polyamorous existences, when other potential friendships, relationships and expectations are being considered, how the hell do you tell another person about the brilliance of one relationship without giving them the wrong impression that it is somehow less significant than it is?

How do you explain about the togetherness, the completeness without them thinking, through no fault of their own, that these people are coupled?
And in not using the ‘couple’ label, how can the unenlightened, the pragmatic, the uninformed possibly understand what this relationship is all about?

Furthermore, how can they understand that in fucking other people, the relationship potentially grows even more intense and that there is nothing taken away from the primary relationship by the fact that one of those involved in this companionship is fucking them?

(NB – I’m still coming to terms with this one myself. So how on earth is anyone else going to understand this if they have not had the sort of grounding, so to speak, that I have?)

I am a human being in my own right. I always have been and always will be. I have been part of a couple, and I don’t like the swallowing sensation involved, even if, on a practical level it does not have to happen.

I do not want to be part of a couple, but I do want others to know the intensity, value and importance of this most significant relationship, and I am not just talking about others who may be involved with my lover. How do I, eventually, tell the important people in my life about this soul-mate of mine, my Zen-mate. How do I explain when all of these people, through western indoctrination, are under the impression that coupledom is the ultimate goal of relationships?

It’s not! It cannot be. We are individual human beings with rights and responsibilities to ourselves as much as to other people. In giving we receive. In receipt we are giving. The Zen way is to enjoy the giving as much, if not more than the receiving, but we cannot lose ourselves in the process.

Doesn’t coupledom actually lose a bit of yourself whereas the relationship I have with my lover, my partner, my soul mate, my friend, my companion, my teacher, my pupil, my Zen mate is something that goes well beyond the realms of this most contrived of preconditioned partnerships?

How the hell do you explain that to someone else without them understanding what it actually is?

I am not sure I know the answer, but of course, I am concerned that if people do not understand the real nature of what coupledom is and is not, how can they see that what I have with my lover is greater than their preconceived idea of what a partnership of mind, body and soul really is.

The conversation goes something like this.

I am in a relationship. I have been in a relationship for x amount of years, which is quite a long time as far as my life history goes. It is a beautiful relationship. We are companions, we are lovers, we are best friends, we are soul-mates. We share everything, we think in a similar way. We adore the same things. We respect and value our individuality and our togetherness.

But what we are not, is a couple. That is not in our language and it is not a phrase that we like to consider to reflect our relationship.

Ah well, if you are not a couple, then you are not committed, especially if you are fucking me, because if you’ve fucked me, how can you be committed to the other person. There’s a crack. That’s all. It is not so perfect as you think, matey boy.................

And so it goes on.

Perhaps I should just accept that there is nothing that could explain this relationship, that nobody could ever really understand its complexities and its brilliance. So why try?

And yet, there are two things with that.

I want people close to me to understand me, to know me, to realise just how significant this is.

And I want other potential lovers of mine or my lovely man’s to know where they are, where they stand before they get themselves involved in a relationship that they do not fully understand.

But can they ever?

Fuck coupledom.

But fuck those also who make assumptions about the status of an inexplicable relationship based on their own misunderstanding of the pinnacle of existence.

Marriage Vows. Polyamory Rules

Do you take this woman/man to be your lawful wedded husband/wife? Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honour and keep him/her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live.

Or

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my friend, my lover, the (mother/father) of my children and my (husband/wife). I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

Or

“In the future, happy occasions will come as surely as the morning. 
Difficult times will come as surely as the night. 
When things go joyously, meditate according to the Buddhist tradition. 
When things go badly, meditate. 
Meditation in the manner of the Compassionate Buddha will guide your life. 
To say the words ‘love and compassion’ is easy.
But to accept that love and compassion are built upon patience
and perseverance is not easy.”

It’s a no brainer really. The Buddhists win every time.

How enlightening! No mention of eternity or faithfulness or coupledom or anything else that could feel as though you are signing your life away, signing yourself away.

And what of those statements of intent above? The last one could equally apply to a significant partnership of intimacy as much as a marriage.

There is the old joke about marriages and life sentences and that you could get less of a stretch inside etc. But let us look at this a little more carefully.
What people sign up to with these types of vows is utterly unworkable. It is bordering on, no it is, in direct contradiction to the charter of Human Rights. No person could sign up to conditional coupledom if they really and truly thought about the words that they are saying and the shackles of such a contract. And yet, if you drive around the country today, you will see many people in churches, registry offices, castles, country homes and hotels doing precisely that.
I suspect that a mere 0.0001% are using the Buddhist version.

So why do we do it? And why, even in a polyamorous situation, do people feel the need for a contractual agreement?

In some ways, I can understand the polyamory contract more readily because it is possible that more management of the situations is required, and as promised, I will shortly look at the list in greater detail. However, in reality, the only thing that is going to make any relationship work is compassionate appreciation for one another, one another’s needs, oneself and recognising the value of the relationship in the first place.

It is sad that we need a contract for this. It is appalling that the contract is such a bind when clearly there are aspects of it that are inhumane. Just how long do we have to suffer with indifference, changes in feelings, faithfulness if we evolve emotionally, spiritually and everything else from the moment we took the vows? Just how long do we have to keep pretending that this life-sentence of a contract is viable?

Perhaps it is, when you are 73!

So, back to polyamory.
As regular readers will know, I have been having a few issues with this during the last couple of weeks. My lover told me that he had met some other women, that he was attracted to them and ultimately that he had slept with them. I reacted very badly, very emotionally and have been stressing about it ever since.

Since this has happened, we have not made love, we have not had an opportunity in our busy lives to spend any real quality time together but I am sure that will happen shortly. Since this has happened, I have reacted badly and I am most concerned about the long-term effect it is going to have on our relationship.

I hold my hand up readily to state that my reaction has caused more of an issue in our relationship than the fact that he slept with other women. However, once my feelings have been shared, once I have tried to state that I am working on the whole polyamory thing, once I have tried to say that I am perfectly willing to accept that I do not have any right to prevent him acting instinctively and passionately with other people, once all that has happened, there still has to be management, empathy, concern on both our parts to ensure that the very thing that I was, and he was, most afraid of would not happen, i.e. an irreparable breakdown in our relationship.

The damage is done. I overreacted but it does not have to stop there. The Zen thing is to reflect, consider what is wanted, move on and continue to serve on another as well as oneself, ensuring that neither the relationship nor the individual needs of those within is lost, is neglected, is left.

That is entirely different from being stuck in a marriage situation with vows that shackle.
The development of this sort of relationship is a choice. And I return once more to the Buddhist statement above. It really is quite a spectacular thing, and surely one that people can live with if they are committed to the love and relationship with an exceptionally important person.

So back to the polyamorists from, I assume the USA, and their contract.

I want to make it crystal clear that such a contract, for me, is quite abhorrent. I don’t like living to the rules. Over the last decade, I haven’t done so.

Writing things down do not make them happen. Laws are broken, rules are broken. Having them written down or recited for some people is tantamount to inviting their rebellion.
However, in issues as complicated as multiple partners, then maybe there should, at the very least be significant and honest discussion with your partners, reflection away from partners or lovers on your own and a coming together with a workable and mutually agreed format (even if unwritten), taking into consideration that nothing should stagnate and rules, regulations, responsibilities and relationships can change and should change. “To accept that love and compassion are built upon patience and perseverance is not easy”.

Oh and a quick note to my lover; I can do this, if you will just let me try. I can do this if you just lose your negativity towards me, forgive me and remember who I am and what the entire Zenpuss journey, for both of us, is all about.

.....................................................................

In some ways, I quite admire the mad folks from Utah or wherever they may be living. They have a point. So now let us proceed to see where the sublime and the ridiculous fall within these numbered points.

1.       Affirm a primary relationship. All other relationships will be no more than secondary in priority, regardless of the level of love, lust and infatuation involved.

This works for some people. For others, polyamory is not about hierarchy at all. Some might even argue that true polyamory cannot possibly have degrees of intimacy and love and that it is about equality. However, there has to be recognition that you probably have a deeper connection with some people than others but that being said, it does not take anything away from the value and importance of the relationship with others.

If I am honest, I do want to be the primary ‘partner’. Maybe I am so indoctrinated into the western philosophy of coupledom that this is the last barrier that I have to push down. However, now on the 17^th June 2011, that is how I feel. Maybe on the 31^st October, I may well feel differently. For now, though, it is how it is. And I can see some validity in this first statement.

2.       The primary partner will have first claim on the other partner’s time, energy and attention.

This is only manageable if the partner feels inclined towards their alleged primary partner. I suspect that the partner shouldn’t be able to claim time, energy and attention if it does not comply with the other partner’s needs at the time. That is difficult to accept but once more has to be managed. However, if there is one relationship that is currently more committed than the others, then perhaps that fact ought to be respected.

3.       The primary partner’s feelings about the situation takes priority – if one of us thinks something is wrong, something is wrong.

This goes both ways. The wrongness could be coming from both sides. What one person thinks is wrong, another may well think is fine but the basic premise of one person thinking something is wrong and therefore it is, unless of course you happen to have partnered up with a mad person with an overworked and vivid imagination!

4.       Communication is important – we promise to bring up and discuss reasonably and rationally any feelings of insecurity, abandonment, loneliness, unfairness as soon as we can articulate them.

Communication is important in any relationship. It is the keystone. If you cannot talk about such things without fear of misunderstanding, then the relationship is probably not worth it. Communication is vital but so too is the “reasonable and rational”. In order to do that one has to commit to a certain level of non-attachment, and that is hard when emotions, destructive or otherwise, are involved.

5.       We will not ridicule the partner’s feelings

And I would go further than that. You do not ridicule but you also try and empathise, even when it is contradictory to anything you have ever believed or experienced before. Empathy on both sides is as vital as communication.

6.       We will agree to put forward constructive suggestions before paranoia or accusations.

From one who has had a life-time of suffering paranoia, this made me giggle. Once more, taking a valuable objective view of any situation has to help in moving on.

7.       We agree to change our behaviour when necessary to make the other partner feel valued and loved

This one is a tricky one. Take my own situation. How far do I expect him to modify to accommodate what, in reality, are irrational concerns of mine? However, having said that we can support one another through the things that sometimes appear mutually exclusive. Once a partner feels unvalued and unloved it is up to both involved to try and make that change. An initial outburst of irrational behaviour is exacerbated if the partner cannot bring themselves to empathise but that does not mean they have to change their behaviour in the initial trigger of the situation. I could not and would not demand a change in behaviour to the point that I would expect the unexpectable. I assume that my lover would not do so either.

8.       It is the responsibility of the lover who is hurt to bring “it” up. It is the responsibility of the others involved to listen.

Bring it up, listen, work together and then move on. If you don’t move on, the issue hovers as an elephant in the room. Moving on means that there may well be a need for reassurance in the short term. Reliance on that in the longer term isn’t viable.

9.       We affirm that non-primary partners are not therapists to complain about the primary partner to.

A good point but then again, there are times when I wish that my partner did have someone to talk about in relation to the complexities of our relationship. So do I. I have nobody at all in my life, other than my lover, who could possibly understand – that in itself could be a problem but could also be embraced as the very thing that sets our relationship aside from others. That said, you shouldn’t really discuss the negativity of another with an additional partner but once more providing factual and non-attached information in order to get views from another is probably acceptable.

10.   Any anger venting should be done with non-sexual friends.

Another good point; the main point being that perhaps talking and discussion about a relationship outside of that relationship is sometimes a sensible thing to do. However, anger venting should really be done with the partner and nobody else, otherwise you are setting up barriers for your partner to get on with your non-sexual friends in the future.

11.   Non-primary lovers should not act as a go-between or messenger, should not be used as a weapon between primary partners or put in the middle of a primary partner argument.

No. Been there, done that, got the book and the certificate and it was a bloody awful experience.

Fuck me, I’d almost forgotten how awful that was. My goodness, we really have lurched from crisis to crisis at certain points in our relationship.

12.   We promise to be honest about our feelings at all times.

TINA! Only there comes a point when the honesty becomes tedious to the point of destruction. There also needs to be a recognition that sometimes we just want to stop talking and bothering about issues and get on with enjoying one another’s company. That is exactly how I feel today.

13.   We will never dismiss a feeling on the basis of irrationality.

Is this feasible? Shouldn’t irrationality be dismissed by its very nature? Intuition? Can that also be irrational – of course it can. I think the point here is that whilst irrationality is daft, sometimes it cannot be dismissed as unimportant. Sometimes one has to embrace the irrationality as the dark side of a person or a situation, and work with it to ensure that the irrationality moves along an enlightened path to rationality.

14.   We will never give in to “shiny new love” syndrome.

Embrace the glorious feeling of newness, by all means. Isn’t that the most gorgeous of feelings? But one can only compare like with like if you are mad enough to go down the comparison march. At present, my lover is bound to be having a far more wonderful time with other people than he is with me because they have not got the history, the constancy, the intimacy, the challenges in their relationship that I have with him. They have lovely newness with this wonderful, attractive man who is providing for them all the things that they have had missing in their lives, whereas I am just the brain ache gal who is having to contend with the new situations in my life, that clearly make me less adorable at present.

Luckily for me, my lover is not into comparisons and would hopefully recognise the true nature of this current situation.

15.   If either of us wants a new sexual/romantic relationship they must bring that person to be interviewed by the other primary partner before sexual relationships have occurred.

So, if one goes out for an evening with a friend, someone that one really gets on with, someone that is attracted to you and visa versa, and you send up going back to their place and end up in a situation when you are about to jump into bed with them, do you then say, “hold on – you just need to be interviewed by my partner”?
Of course, I suppose that this particular ‘couple’ have this stipulation to ensure that such situations of instinct and impulsiveness do not happen. Quite a superhuman ask, judging by what my lover has said about what has happened to him over the last few weeks. But....... makes you think.

Of course, it is ridiculous though. How can you possibly interview in this way. Can you really, if you are a sexual being, wait for, know whether something is going to happen or not. Life does have a habit of coming out and biting you on the bottom or arousing your cock to the point that it jsut has to do what it has to do.

16.   The potential lover must affirm they are fully aware of the situation and have no illusions about the nature of the relationship, including their place in the priority list.

It’s just an illusion! Not really a very good thing to have. But the potential lover, either post or pre fuck, according to this, should be aware of what they are getting themselves into, irrespective of the latter part of the statement and the bloody pecking order. I suppose that is only fair. I entered into a relationship with my lover in full knowledge of his current relationship at the time. I personally think that his other lovers, now and in the future, should have the same opportunity, assuming that our relationship continues to be the significant one that it currently is.

But irrespective of me, perhaps potential lovers should be very clear on the fact that this man does not do coupledom, does not want a partner and merely wants to be himself, free to do what he likes, with whom he likes. As long as they know that, then there is no problem.

17.   The potential partner must convince the primary partnership that they are indeed polyamorous.

Interesting one. What if they’re not? What if they are out for a relationship? What if they are not out for a relationship and suddenly realise the significance of the so-called primary partner in their lives? Once more, this is exactly what happened to me. I was polyamorous by default and it wasn’t until I was left without having sex with my lover that I realised just how important that aspect, together with the others of our relationship was so vital.

And in all of that, I don’t think I classified myself as polyamorous, monogamous, unfaithful or any other bleeding label. Labels are SO destructive!

18.   If you are polyamorous, don’t date monogamous people.

Well duh!

19.   The polyamorous lover must be ok with kids.

Well, that is an interesting one. I wonder how it does work with kids. Perhaps, the real enlightened way is to make sure your kids know from the outset that Mummy and Daddy are not going to be life-time partners and if they are, other people will come and go as well.

20.   If the potential lover has a partner of any serious commitment that partner must also speak to us giving consent.

Consent? Approval? Acceptance? Permission? Where does one stop and another start, not just from the potential lover’s lover either!

It’s all a bit organised for spontaneous admiration and attraction.

21.   Each primary partner has the right to an irrevocable veto of any partner at any time. The vetoer is required to provide an explanation but the veto is not open to argument.

Ah yes, the veto button. But what happens if the veto button gets continually hit? Okay, there has to be a valid explanation but who is doing the validating? If the partners are poles apart, what gives? Who compromises? What happens when the compromise turns into resentment?

If I ask my partner not to sleep with these women, how long before he resents doing as I wish? Likewise, if I feel as though I am making a compromise in accepting the fact that he has to sleep with these other women, how long before I resent my compromise.

For a long time now, I have thought that monogamy is unworkable. Now I am beginning to think that any complex relationship is inworkable but perhaps that is because today is after the night before, and I am feeling blissfully ignorant of where I am right now.

22.   If a long-standing relationship is suddenly vetoed, arguing is allowed and consensus must be reached.

And what if consensus can’t be reached? Do they then rip up this incredible document?

23.   Any and all emotional misunderstanding must be settled by consensus.

YES! That is obvious.

24.   Repeated inability on the part of the non-primary lover to talk through misunderstandings will result in disqualification due to immaturity.

And what of the primary partner? Do they get “disqualified” due to their inability to be mature about a given situation? Are they disqualified or ridiculed because they are so stupid as to not being as enlightened as they would like to be? Does the other partner “disqualify” their main lover because they are unwilling or unable to overcome misunderstandings, negative outbursts etc?
Where does it stop?

25.   If genetic male-identified males want to date the female partner they must have permission from the male primary partner.

Now this is interesting. This smacks of misogyny to me. So it is okay for her to have a relationship with another woman but as soon as the chief of the Pride feels under pressure then he has to intervene, whereas she does not have to do the same if he wants to have a female or male partner? Doesn’t really seem very fair and equitable to me?

26.   Although the secondary lovers do not have to have a separate friend-type relationship with the other primary partner, it is a definite bonus.

Or, from experience, it is a blithering nightmare with all sorts of additional complications. What works for one person, does not work for another.

27.   The following nights must be spent with the primary partner; anniversaries, birthdays, rebirthdays (!!), eight religious high days (oh yes, they must be of the Morman tendency!), graduations and any other specific and important day.

How funny! How contrived! What happens if you end up in a relationship with twins?

28.   As soon as the partner falls asleep, the duty is considered fulfilled!

Ah well that solves the “twin” scenario. Once Lucy is asleep then you can fuck off into bed with Rita. I like it!

29.   Use of the words, “wife”, “husband”, “Spouse” and “partner” are restricted to the primary partnership only. “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “fuck-buddy”, “lover” are fine for all other contacts.

Words, words, words. What are words worth if there is no action behind them? If I considered myself as the primary partner in my lover’s life at the moment, none of the primary words here are acceptable. So then am I a fuck buddy? I don’t think so. A girlfriend? Oh please! That hardly describes our relationship.

Perhaps we ought to dispense of any labels and just get on with being who we are and who we are to one another. Isn’t that more important, says the woman who wants to be seen as a partner?

30.   Body fluid monogamy at all times with non-primary lovers.

The argument behind this was that in polyamorous relationships you need to be even more careful with sexual health. I cannot see an argument against this at all other than the fact that making love with a condom on your dick is hardly the best experience in the world for anyone involved. Fuck bloody infections and their potential! Not fuck them in a dismissive way but damn them for being present, for potentially curtailing sexual enjoyment for all. It is one of the natural laws of life’s little jokes.

31.   Exceptions to the above if they have been lovers for over six months – and all out body-fluid relationships can be discussed.

Well, that is always open for negotiation irrespective of the six month rule. Perhaps it ought to start with all partners agreeing to have regular visits to the GUM clinic.

32.   The woman will only have penetrative sex with the primary male partner

Back to misogyny. What more can I say?

33.   If S/M is taking place the primary partner has the right to demand to be present in order to ensure the other partner will be safe.

How about if S/M isn’t taking place? How about if the primary partner just fancies looking in on her partner’s sexuality from time to time? How about if she actually gets off on seeing her lover fuck another, especially if he then wants to fuck her even more?

I hope to goodness that my lover wants to fuck me even more after he has slept with another women. It certainly seemed that way this week.

At first.

34.   Beds are for sleep. If loud sex with a secondary partner is keeping the other primary partner awake, they have the power of eviction.

Mmmm. I wonder if they have any rules on snoring and farting evictions as well?
Beds are for sleep but they are also for fucking. In fact, I rather prefer the idea that they are for fucking as much as, if not more than for sleeping in.

35.   Hunting licences allow the primary partners to have sex away from home without the interview process

Okay, this all gets a little ridiculous now. Can the hunting licence be a permanent thing? Not according to these rules. But can you really prevent alpha males and alpha females from doing what they want when they are out and about? The evidence from where I am standing is clearly not. And why should we?

36.   Sexual contacts picked up on hunting licence must be one-offs

If only everything could be that straight forward but life isn’t like that. There is instinct, there is attraction, there are feelings. It is a complex situation and making ridiculous rules is not going to change that.

37.   The sexual contacts during the licence period must be made fully aware of the polyamorous situation.

Agreed. Like it or not, I cannot get away from this one. Honesty, openness and truthfulness is recommended at all times, however painful, however much of a distraction, however it might be a prevention. It is fair on ALL concerned to do this. Otherwise, situations occur.

38.   The first free time after the end of a hunting licence must be spent with the primary partner.

I’ve granted no licence. I am not in a position to do so and even if I was (though some might say I am due to the longevity and the closeness of our relationship) I wouldn’t want to.

HOWEVER, now that it has happened, once, twice, more times in the future, once it has happened, I am really desperate for some intimacy of my own with my lover. I need him. I need to see his consideration, affection and love for me. I am beside myself with concern about this.

There are no licences. There are no rules but please consider the fact that I need you now more than ever.

..................................

It’s late. I’ve been up for hours. I’ve not slept at all for two nights. I am exhausted, emotionally drained and beaten.

BUT, I am also, in the most peculiar of ways, glad that all of this has happened.

The whole point of Zenpuss’s journey is that she discovers, she is challenged, she loses preconceived and imposed ideas about life and sex and relationships. She moves forward. She gains insight. She thinks intelligently. She is dispassionate and compassionate. She is selfless and selfish. She recognises her needs and those of others and tries to follow a path to ensure that both, all needs are met.

It’s been a long few weeks. It’s been a long, long morning.

Perhaps it is time for me to now take a walk.

I just hope that I can do that with my lover rather than walking in the opposite direction.