How to teach about Pornography

What the teacher can’t say about pornography but I can

Yesterday there was a report from the Children’s Commissioner about pornography. It said that pornography is everywhere, which is a slight exaggeration. However with the presence of the internet it is far easier to access pornography than it was even a decade ago.

Let’s not forget though that pornography has been around for years and the reason that it’s so financially viable, even these days with so much free access to it, is because many millions of people get some enjoyment from watching other people fuck.

Confession time: I love pornography and I miss pornography. As I’m currently in a state of enforced celibacy I’ve deliberately chosen not to do much trawling and traipsing through these internet sites. Why? – well, there are a few reasons for this.

Firstly, pornography turns me on. Normally, I love to watch other people enjoying sex, and I have loved doing some of the things that I’ve seen other people doing. However, when I can’t do that for myself, it can be a bit depressing to see other people enjoying themselves in a way that I’d quite like to be doing. I’m insane enough without adding to my stupidity and loss.

Secondly, whilst I frequently looked at pornography alone, I preferred being able to share it, even if the person with whom I was sharing it wasn’t in the same room, building or even town as me. Being able to send a link to another person(s) so that we could both independently and collectively enjoy a particular site gave me an immense amount of pleasure.

Thirdly, it reminds me of what I am missing. Sorry, but that’s the truth. I shall overcome…….cum, cum.

But what is it about pornography that gets people going, in more senses than one? Why are people so hung up on its damaging influence without acknowledging the positive aspects of pornography? If it’s so bloody awful and gruesome, why are so many very sane and perfectly normal people frequent visitors to sites? What is wrong with admitting to being a sexually excited and excitable person and that pornography can be a part of that excitement?

This report that has come out suggests that we talk to young people about pornography. I haven’t got a problem with that. I think we ought to but I think we ought to look at the entire notion of sex and relationship education in a completely different way before we get onto the specifics of pornography or any sexually related issue. I also think we ought to consider what our message about pornography is going to be before we make even more stupid mistakes in the alleged name of educating our young people about sex.

“Just say no”, “Don’t get pregnant” “Keep it in your trousers” are all messages that teenagers have heard for decades with no real variation in the basic message of “Don’t fuck”. We perpetuate the myth that sex is bad by using words like “dirty” or by hiding away from our own sexuality amongst other adults. We tell young people that sex is not for them when their own bodies and minds are already beyond the point of abstinence, instead of giving them the appropriate message that sex is such a bloody wonderful experience they should put off penetrative sex until their minds, bodies and souls are ready to embrace the enormity of its wonderment.

We subvert the joys of sex by not being able to talk about it freely and openly, whilst simultaneously and hypocritically using sex to sell products. Guess what, young people see through this. Why, they say, should we not have sex if it is such a good thing that you lot are more than happy to indulge in?

Why am I saying all of this? For one key reason – we can’t talk about pornography properly until we have reviewed our thoughts on relationship education altogether. If we continue with this “sex is dirty” mentality, then the natural progression is that pornography is the devil-incarnate of that dirtiness. However, if we are more honest about the importance of sexuality and the positive aspects of being sexual, then we can also look at pornography in a slightly different and more honest light – that many millions of people enjoy it and they do so for a very good reason. Sex is bloody good.

If I was a teacher, this is what I would like to be saying about sex and I would hazard a guess that this more honest approach to sex is what young people would like to talk about too.

Firstly, I would talk to you young people about respecting themselves and other people. I would spend time talking about relationships, about trust, honesty, openness – in platonic relationships before you get onto the nitty gritty of sex. This would be an on-going part of relationships education. I would give them different scenarios and ask them to consider how they would feel and how they would respond. I would also ask them to look at the mixed messages our society gives about sex, for example certain newspapers running stories about sexual depravities or condemning professionals for teaching sex education to five year olds whilst simultaneously selling their paper and their internet site by having beautiful buxoms adorning their front page, not page 3!

Then I would make sure that every young person knew of the range of sexually exciting things they could do before they indulged in the delights of penetrative sex. I’d tell them all about the wonderment of cunnilingus and fellatio - cunt kissing and blow jobs to the less informed. I’d explain the joy of simply lying next to another naked human being, enfolded into one another, possibly cupping cock or tits as an extremely arousing thing to do. I’d tell them that before they get anywhere near exploring other people’s bodies, they should know their own and that they should masturbate to see what happens to their bodies and what works for them. Therefore, by the time they get to be with other people, they will have a far greater understanding of what they like and what they don’t like. I’d strongly advocate the notion of young women knowing what their sexual parts look like and what happens when you hit the clitoris or rub it for yourself. I’d ask young women to consider inserting more than a tampon into their vagina so that they can feel what other people in the future would feel.

I know this may sound a little heavy but it’s far more honest than what we are doing now, and all of this is supposed to encourage young people to know themselves so that they don’t prematurely rush into something that they’re not ready for.

I’d talk about female ejaculation and orgasms and tell young people that they do exist. Our misogynistic approach to sexuality has to stop. We don’t pee boys, we ejaculate. If I could rule the sexual education world, I’d almost be inclined to say that you really shouldn’t have penetrative sex until you’ve experienced an orgasm for yourself – but that’s probably a bit too controversial.

And I would tell young people to wait, and wait, and wait some more until they can fully appreciate the brilliance of sex with another person, ensuring that they are ready physically and emotionally for the experience to be the best it can be. Throughout all of this, I would continue to reiterate the importance of respect, and I’d talk about how to maintain, finish and review relationships in a compassionate and considerate way.

So how does this all relate to pornography? Well, if you’ve had a sex-positive approach to relationship and sex education, then you can look at pornography in a far more enlightened and radical way. It’s not good to keep perpetuating the idea that pornography is dirty stuff that only revolting old men with dirty minds indulge in. It just isn’t like that.

This report that I mentioned at the start of this piece concludes that some young people are at risk from looking at pornography and that in some cases this can lead to deviant and abusive behaviour. But this is only one aspect of pornography. The other side of the coin is that it is incredibly enjoyable and a wonderful part of our sexuality.

Our young people are looking at pornography and I don’t think it’s fair on them to reprimand them for being inquisitive, especially when they’re getting all sorts of mixed messages from society, from schools and from their peers.

We should make it explicit in our sex and relationships education that pornography can be a source of much amusement and enjoyment as part of a loving and sexually positive relationship. At the same time, we should also let them know that there is exploitation in the business and that not all sexual experiences are exactly as they are seen on the internet. We should say to them that they may see some unusual activities and we should enable them to talk openly about things that they find uncomfortable but equally we should enable them to be open about things that excite them – if necessary challenging them on certain issues.

I’m not a sexual deviant. I’m an honest person who wishes she could be honest about her own sexuality and wishes that other people could be free to do the same – within reason. None of the subjects or content that I’ve mentioned here should be done without a full understanding of the needs of young people. A very clear idea of what young people know, what they want to know and how they feel about discussing such issues should always be carried out first, and a view on safe-guarding and child protection should always be at the forefront of the minds of those facilitating and enabling such discussions.

But please, please, please consider how honest we are being about sexuality. Please consider whether we really want another generation of people who don’t know how to handle relationships honestly and considerately. Please let’s not have another generation of people who shy away from their sexuality, ashamed by their alleged vulgarity when the reality is that they are only wanting to do what is natural, and please let’s have a little rethink about the truth about pornography before we all rush into schools saying that porn is a sin and the devil will be awaiting if you click the bad button on your computer.

The Spirituality of Sex

This week the Pope said that nuns should be “spiritual mothers not spinsters”. He called for them to have “fertile chastity” and to be like Mary – who, of course, was a virgin according to the scriptures.

Well this got me thinking. What exactly does it mean to be spiritual? Am I spiritual? What is it about other people that make them appear to be spiritual? What can I do to be more spiritual, if that is something to which I aspire?

Someone once asked me, “At what time in your life do you think you were happiest?” My response was “now” or rather the “now” when I knew that I was cared for, and that for every ounce of lovingkindness I afforded to those I loved,  it was returned in equal measure. This, in turn, gave me a spiritual warmth that made me feel that everything would be ok in my world and in the world of others – known or unknown to me. Even with the inevitable hiccups of life, I, and those I cared about most would be more than ok.

So what was special about that time in my life? What ingredients gave me the feeling of serenity, of distinct and memorable moments of Satori, of feeling as though what I was doing for myself and others was as it should be?

I was enjoying a beautiful, healthy relationship of respect, consideration, affection, intimacy, trust, honesty and thoughtfulness – from both sides. I was working on something that I felt completely fulfilled by. I was doing something that I felt would benefit others, not just for my own self-satisfaction and absolutely nothing to do with financial gain. I was spending time listening to incredible music, going for walks in diverse and sometimes unexpected environments. I was being creative and appreciating the creativity of others. I was reading and writing extensively on a range of different, and sometimes conflicting, subjects. I had moments of such intense clarity that I didn’t need anything else in life other than that all important sense of who I am. I knew that I would be more than contented if I never ate the finest food or had the finest clothes ever again because I had become so attuned to my own self, who I was and what that meant to others. I was living day in day out in the now and loving nearly every minute.

It wasn’t all plain sailing. There were huge issues in my life at the time that needed to be dealt with, and still do. There were hurdles to overcome. There were barriers in the way of an even greater sense of wellbeing, but to all intents, I was content.

What I also had was a very healthy sex life. It was, and still is, an incredibly important aspect of who I am. I indulged in many a sexual act that I hadn’t even conceived of. They were naughty things that other people did – not my cup of tea at all. But as I learned more about myself, who I was and released some pent-up and much ignored inhibitions, I realised that these sexual acts were not “acts” at all. They were an integral part of who I am, and it was this acknowledgement and practice of my sexuality that added to my general sense of spirituality and wellbeing.

I was, and am, a far better person when I am sexually active because there’s something about the spirituality of sex and intimacy with someone you adore and who adores you in return that completes me. It doesn’t kill – it completes!

Acknowledging this fact I now ponder about whether I can be spiritual without the completeness that sexuality brings to me, and these interesting comments from the Jesuit Pope made me wonder once more. Can he or the chaste maids that he addressed ever be truly spiritual if they’ve never experienced the completeness of that moment of mutual and simultaneous orgasms that take you beyond this world into an unknown place where only you reside? Can the Dalai Lama, the Buddhists monks of the East, the catholic priests who are essentially good people, ever truly reach their moment of Satori and gain a true understanding of enlightenment if they’ve never known what it is to be physically, sexually, spiritually close to another human being?

Their answer would lie in what I said about fine clothes and food. They’ve gone beyond those needs, and they’ve also gone beyond the desire for sex. They have transcended those earthy needs and become non-attached, without need other than the basic needs for sustaining their existence – food, water, shelter. They are dependent on nobody. That is where their spirituality is.

Well, good for them. I’m glad they’re contented. I’m glad that if I asked them the question “At what time in your life do you think you were happiest?” they’d be able to answer “now” instinctively because their “now” is free from all the excess baggage that so many of us carry about in our complicated lives. I’m glad for them that there’s no aspect of co-dependency that seems to inflict the rest of us.

So for me, should I give up my sexuality and see it as an unnatural and dangerous desire in order that I reach this level of serenity that is expected of these people of faith, or should I accept that sexuality is an integral part of who I am and acknowledge, without craving it, that sexuality is a significant part of my personal spirituality?

It all sounds perfectly feasible. I opt for the latter and accept that I’m a sexual being who needs intimacy in my life – and this gives me the spiritual brilliance that I adore. Only there’s a problem. If we are to be non-attached, if we are to be at one with ourselves without the need for others, then clearly sexuality can’t be a vital element of our spirituality because, without being too blunt about it, you need another person for sex. I know you can masturbate for the physical gratification of orgasm but it really isn’t the same, however much we convince ourselves that “an orgasm a day keeps insanity away”.

It just doesn’t add up. You can’t have sex without a sexual partner. You can’t get a sense of spiritual wellbeing just by sex either. There has to be a significant connection between you and another human being – well, that’s the way it is for me anyhow. And this in turn, brings another thought to mind. Can you really be spiritually well without being slightly dependent on other people being an integral part of your life?

We all need our moments of being alone. We all need the serenity of the oneness with ourselves. We all need to follow our own paths and not be persuaded to veer off in another direction just to placate the whims, needs or hopes of another human being but we also need those other people too. The priests, the ones that have foregone so much of life to achieve this serene sense of spirituality are the lucky ones in many respects. They aren’t reliant on sexuality for the spiritual wellness, and many of the great texts from both east and west say that this is truly the essence of spirituality. So if that is the case, then is my sexuality anything to do with my spirituality or something completely different?

Yet, I return to that question. When was I happiest? The answer keeps returning to the same time, the same response. I was happiest, I was well, I was more spiritually aware, I was more ME when I was sexually fulfilled – accepting my sexuality, living, breathing, loving it. And the spirit of my sexuality was dependent upon another person.

As for now, if my personal sexuality makes me a more spiritual, person, if that sexuality is an integral part of me and my wellbeing, then how do I maintain a different sort of spirituality without sex? How do I function with one part of my soul locked? How can I appear to be, to myself and others, fully functioning without sex? How can I possibly be desirable to others, sexually and platonically, when my sexuality is missing? And if this is the case for me, isn’t it the same for others too? If someone has lost their sexuality, by choice or by being forced into the situation through bereavement or separation, then how are they to function without this basic need? Can anyone, even the lovely nuns that listened to Pope Francis’s address this week, really be the spiritual wonders that the world expects if they haven’t experienced the utter and overwhelming joy of sexual intimacy? And is it really any wonder that others appear more spiritually exciting than those of us forced to abstain when they have their sexuality in place?

I’m not the only person who sees this correlation between sex and spirituality. I’m not the only person who tackles with the dichotomy of what we get spiritually out of giving and receiving through sexual intimacy with others compared with the alleged spirituality of abstinence. I endeavour every day to change my opinion about sex and to embrace the emptiness of chastity in the vain hope that I will finally realise that the truest enlightenment can only come from within and can’t ever be dependent on another human being.

But quite frankly, I’m yet to be convinced because sex is so damn important, and of course for many, such as Abraham Maslow, is seen as a basic human need. Well if that’s the case, no wonder those of us who desire sex don’t function completely without it. Is there really such a thing as fertile chastity? Can we really be self-actualised, fully functional people, able to accomplish transcendence all on our own – all without sexuality? Can we really BE, without other people? I know the answer is complicated and contradictory.

As for me, I live in perpetual hope. And in itself, that gives me some sense of spiritual wellbeing.