Fifty Shades of Forgetfulness

Before I launch into my commentary about “Fifty Shades” I would like to congratulate the author, EL James, on her incredible success. Anyone who manages to write a book with the sort of sales that this trilogy has achieved should be congratulated. Anyone who bothers to write about sexuality and get people to question their stance on sexuality, porn and erotica deserves a pat on the back.

However, and it really is a big ‘however’, there are problems. And they are big.

Having read the trilogy, I feel as though I could write a trilogy of comments in separate essays, which is what I may end up doing.

For all the positives of exploration of sexuality for the reader, there are problems with this book for me. Bullet pointing them does not mean the list is exhaustive. I may return at a later date to add more.

So,

·         There isn’t a single mention of female ejaculation

·         “And they all lived happily ever after”

·         “Dirty fuckery” is not erotica

·         The main character cums the first time she has sex and every time after, without any notion of an increase in her sexual enjoyment

·         BDSM is not the height of erotic sex

·         Dominant/submissive relationships are scary, dangerous and abusive; not something that the readers should aspire to!

·         There isn’t a single alternative word used for the vagina other than the phrase “my sex”

·         The language of climax is basic and unenlightened

·         Oh, and I repeat, there isn’t a single mention of female ejaculation

As I said, the list isn’t exhaustive, and I will return with more, and these bullet points are only commenting on the sexual content. The storyline is weak and predictable, the characters are deeply, deeply flawed and the repetitive nature of the descriptions of sexual climaxes are extremely off-putting.

Having said all that, I managed to get a few wanks out of reading, so it can’t have been that bad!

We are still incredibly fucked up about our attitude to sex. Even the most enlightened amongst us still grapple with the various complexities and contradictions, especially when it comes to the sometimes thin line between female empowerment through sex and the objectification of women.

It is a complex issue and shouldn’t be taken lightly. However, without the efforts of people like EL James we are never going to get the opportunity to discuss these issues and really consider our views on sexual matters.

The very fact that this book has sold so many copies both as published books and e-books shows that there is a market out there. The very fact that so many copies of the book have been bought by kindle readers also shows that many of us still want to hide away our secret interest in sex (and I realise that part of the increase in e-book sales is also down to the increase in usage of this method of reading).

I’m terribly excited by the whole phenomenon of a world finally putting their hands up in the air and saying, “Do you know what, I am interested in sex, and I like kinky stuff and I love that feeling between my legs when I am coming towards an orgasm, turned on by having a sexual encounter written down in front of me”.

All of this is great but is this “Fifty Shades” sex what people really want? Has it fully embraced the brilliance of female sexuality? Is it really erotic?

Sexual writing is difficult. I know because I have tried, and the danger of cliché is huge. (Ooh er geddit!) The problem really lies in the interpretation as much as in the writing. The author can describe a brilliant sexual experience that could be incredibly arousing for him or her but is devoid of sexuality for the reader. Sex is an incredibly personal thing, for all its sharing, and one person’s erotica is another person’s tedium. Every book has a reader at the end of it, and each reader is an individual. What works for one person doesn’t work for another, and therefore to write erotic prose that ‘does it’ for the majority is exceptionally difficult.

We also need to determine what we mean by Erotica.

For me, the whole point of erotica is the build-up. It is the enticement, the imagery, the imagination. For me, a photo of an incredibly beautiful woman, with the hint of sexual pleasure about to take place, is incredibly erotic. You may not even need to see her pussy or her tits. A hand carefully placed over her breasts or a mere pleating of a skirt within her fingers, inching the material up her thigh, is enough. It is my mind that creates the next step - without a massive description, and that is the most arousing. Whilst I was reading “Fifty Shades” with the help of a dildo, it was the pre-sex that was far more stimulating than the actual description of what took place with his “erection” and her “sex”.

The next issue I want to tackle is the whole BDSM as the ultimate sexual experience. Ever since Michael Hutchins died with a sexual act gone wrong, and others since, I get the impression that people assume that this is the only way to get a mind-blowing orgasm that cannot be experienced any other way.

Here’s the issue. Sex is a physical act but it is also all in the mind!

I really don’t think I need an orange stuffed in my mouth and my wrists tied together by my leather-bound lover in order to reach the incredible state of Satori that I already have experienced. NO amount of “kinky fuckery” is going to increase that heightened level of a natural high for me. I’ve had it, I’ve done it. I want it again, and again, and again.

It may be alluring. It may be exciting. I may get extremely turned on when I am tied up, restrained, blindfolded and yes, it is an exciting and erotic thought, but I cannot believe that this would give me a bigger orgasm than the one I get when I look into the eyes of a lover who is stimulating me beyond reason, getting the most incredible satisfaction from being inside me and sharing a climax together, simultaneously – and for me over and over again.

I know that I can get an orgasm from the kinky stuff, and they are good orgasms at that. But in all honesty, the very best sex is mind, body and soul, and nothing else comes near it.

The other issue about BDSM is the abuse.

Confession time……..

I like having a spank on my backside when I am clamouring on top of my lover, riding his cock to the greatest pleasure for both of us. I am hugely turned on by that. In fact, I can feel a glorious stirring as I write. But I am certainly not turned on by the idea of being physically attacked, abused or hurt, and the notion that within that spank, my lover wants to hurt me, is intolerable.

He doesn’t hit my arse because he gets some deviant pleasure from hurting me. It is all about stimulation and extending the sexual experience. It is not about being the dominant one, breaking his woman in etcetera.

Confession time ……………

I like playing the dominatrix occasionally, but never in an abusive way. I like demanding sex. I like telling my lover what I want and where I want it. I like to have his movement restricted with tied back hands so that I can get my jaw round his cock, when he is unable to move me away (not that he’d want to). That is exciting but I don’t want to whip him, I don’t want to hurt him. It’s just not the way I want it, and that is not to say that I don’t like a bit of rampant and urgent sex.

I like being fucked at the kitchen sink but I also like being fucked next to a coal fire, all naked and together, and I love being fucked in bed.

Sex is individual, and what works for some, doesn’t work for others. BDSM can be fun for some but it can also feel incredibly abusive as well, and it may well bring a hugely arousing and tantalising climax but such an orgasm will not be any better than a real Satori moment. I promise.

As I don’t want this essay to be too long, I will conclude with my biggest concern about the book.

Due to its extensive readership, this book could be seen as the ultimate sexual description. It may be some people’s first and even only description of what mind-blowing sex is like.

My problem is that it doesn’t include some hugely significant issues about female sexuality that manifests itself in the fact that there is not one single mention of female ejaculation.

If this woman is so damn turned on all the time, and if she is permanently moist, if she is getting her fair share of vaginal as well as clitoral orgasms, how come she has never dripped a droplet of juice out of her “sex” let alone had a massive gush?

Christian Grey, my boy, perhaps you’re not the great stud of a lover you think you are!

When I orgasm, I gush. Not all of the time but in honesty, very frequently, especially from a vaginal stimulation. What I am gushing out of my body is not piss. (See previous blogs on the subject).

This omission of acknowledgement of a woman’s ability to ejaculate from what is appearing to be a seminal book on sexuality, due to its popularity, is a serious issue for me.

Women cum, and they cum in all manner of ways, but please, please believe me, women gush. They are not just wet. They can explode if the stimulation and arousal is right. Women can even make themselves gush if they practice enough and learn about their own bodies.

And I love to gush which is why I feel so passionately about this.

At one point in the book, I forget which one, Christian tells Anastasia not to go to the toilet before they have sex. Why, she ponders?

Eventually he tells her that her orgasm will be intensified by having a full bladder!

Aaarrggghh!

Once more, we have a situation where there is absolutely no understanding of female sexuality. It isn’t a full bladder that makes an orgasm. It’s a full something but whatever splurges out of my pussy when I ejaculate has nothing to do with my bladder.

How do I know?

Well quite frankly, I’ve had sex on a full bladder and I still cum, and then release the urine afterwards. The orgasm is good, but it is nowhere near as good as emptying my bladder immediately before sex so I KNOW that there is no surplus in me, and I still emit the most incredible amount of built-up fluids and have THE most sensational orgasm.

I know!

When is someone going to write a definitive book about female ejaculation so that we stop shying away from the fact that it happens and the fact that we need to empower women to do what their bodies are naturally begging them to do?

I cringe with disappointment that the world cannot see this vital component of female sexuality and I am determined to put this right.

As it happens, water sports are my little fad. I love all things gushable from both male and female bodies. It is my “BDSM” but it is only a part of what sex is about.
Again, in the book when Christian said he needed to get a towel for Anastasia, I suddenly perked up. Finally, in the middle of Book Three they were going to get round to soaking a towel with her ejaculation.

Alas, I remained dissatisfied and the readers with no experience of such things remained in a virginal state about pussy explosions.

All he wanted the towel for was to protect the hotel furniture from the sensual oils he was covering his wife’s body with.

Disappointment is an understatement!

There were also a couple of comments within the book about peeing. Neither character would pee in front of one another, despite the fact that the fuck one another three or four times a day, despite spunking in mouths, despite a good amount of cunnilingus, despite doing unthinkable things with cuffs and blindfolds. The level of intimacy is immense. So what the hell is the problem with piss?

If people were more okay with seeing their partner piss then perhaps they would be more accepting of the non-piss that happens with female sexuality. Just a theory of mine, which is why I mention it.

So many people think that female ejaculation is urine. It isn’t, but even if it was, ensuring that there is no squeamishness about peeing could certainly alleviate concerns for women if they drip the juice, so to speak, during intercourse.

I am sure that EL James didn’t have any idea that her book was going to be as popular as it has turned out to be, and therefore her omissions are slightly excusable. But let’s not stop here.

The floodgates are open, if you excuse the pun. We cannot have this oversight. There needs another “Fifty Shades” without the forgetfulness of female ejaculation.

Keyboard to the ready!

More on Fifty Shades later, perhaps…………..

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/jun/28/fifty-shades-grey-unerotic-savvy?newsfeed=true

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/4401628/Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-boosts-naughty-mag-and-sex-toy-sales.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012/jun/28/fifty-shades-grey-one-million-paperbacks?newsfeed=true

Older Women's Nipples

Silence is golden, except when it isn’t and I am hoping that my self-imposed hibernation from writing, with all its contributory factors, is over. That’s not to say all the causal factors for not writing are over but I need to start writing again. Not that this is an issue for anyone else other than me but in the vain hope that there are readers out there who have been disappointed by Zenpuss’s absence, then I announce a return!

Please do make comments on this and any other blogs that you have found interesting or stimulating.

ZP

…………………………………………………..

So Madonna is at it again; shocking the world with the explicit sexual act of showing her tit to an audience of exceptionally excitable people in Istanbul.

Go to You tube and search for Madonna and her nipples.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Madonna+nipples

Can we just contemplate this seriously for a minute? She flashed her tit for a few seconds, and raised her eyebrows in a mocking style at the so-called titillation of this act.

I like Madonna, most of the time. She knows what she is doing. She knew precisely what she was doing when she removed first one bra, and then pulled down another to reveal her pink and protruding nipple. She knew that there would probably be public outcry at the fact that at 53 year old woman with children was showing her tits to the world in a way that was meant to shock and astound her audience. She knew that there would be outcry at this tiny act of rebellion and she carried on regardless.

Why? Because she is a woman who is prepared to challenge the conformities of sexual thinking and for this we ought to be exceptionally grateful.

We need people like Madonna whether we like her or not.

Aren’t breasts and our reaction to them weird? Why can we not accept that there are certain parts of our body that have multiple functions, and that one of those functions might be sexual - or might not, or might be an unsexual act that is actually very sexual to the viewer?

A young person seeing a woman breastfeeding for the first time might actually be sexually stimulated by this act, especially if they have never seen a real nipple before, though in the days of accessible porn at the hit of a button, it is hardly believable that there are many young folk like this. However, as many who watch porn know, it may be incredibly arousing to look at a series of photos of bloody wonderful tits but pales into insignificance compared with the ‘in the flesh’ stimulation of seeing a real person in front of you getting their breasts or cock out.

Nipples are functionary. They are there to feed young babies who suckle from their mother’s breast to taste their first experience of nourishment. So what?
But they are also functionary as part of a sexual intimacy. Sucking the nipple of a beautiful woman, caressing their boob as their excitement of your touch literally grows before your eyes is incredibly arousing.
It is the same tit that fed a baby but for the moment you are touching it, feeling it, smoothing your fingers over it, grabbing it – it is something different. It is an exceptionally beautiful part of the female body that is there for a reason, and there would be no babies to feed if its other function of attraction was redundant.

There are other parts of the body, of course, that also have these complex functions. A cock slips into a cunt and makes it feel that there is only one purpose for both parts of the body. Yet, these organs are also there for other purposes; child-birth, insemination, pissing.

I’ve mentioned pissing before. It is an instinctive act that we all need to do but sometimes, just sometimes when the time is right, this act of going to the toilet can be one of the most arousing things ever. Yet, we are so caught in our own little boxes of thought that we cannot contemplate that this act could be incredibly sexual.

Try it, I implore you. Watching a sexual partner pissing when your cunt is already full of explosive arousal can really get all manner of juices flowing!

Our bodies are incredible things and we perpetually ridicule or dismiss the sexual functions of our mind, body and soul. What Madonna did the other day was remind us that our bodies have these multiple functions and that it is perfectly appropriate to reveal a tit to an audience already excited by the mere presence of this iconic woman. Why not use her body parts to excite them further whilst simultaneously mocking the entire debacle of humanity’s pathetic response to these small acts that may or may not be sexual in their act – largely dependent upon the response of the viewer.

I suppose the saddest thing about this whole issue is that it is still deemed to be shocking for the woman to have done this. The absolute hypocrisy is hysterical. Why on earth are we shocked? Yet in a way, without that shock it wouldn’t be as sexually arousing.

Funny world, isn’t it?

What Madonna does do when she does things like this is get the world talking and contemplating, and for that, as I said, we ought to be grateful. Without Madonna getting her tits out, we would glibly carry on in life never thinking about our reactions to such things, and it needs someone with the stature of Madonna to make us think about our perceptions and reactions to certain issues, and in this case, the whole issue of the sexuality of an older woman.

Which brings me unsubtly onto that issue.

It is one thing for a sexy, nubile young woman to get her tits out for the lads but a 53 year old woman? Apparently that is obscene in our ageist world that is perfectly prepared to dismiss the brilliance and beauty of the mature body.

Madonna is a good looking woman, with an exceptional body. Personally, I think her tits are a little on the small side, and the muscled tone of her arms are scary rather than sexual but I respect her enormously for the way she has looked after her body and continues to be a deeply sexual woman.

But the main reason people were appalled by her act on stage was the fact that she was an old woman. Isn’t it weird how we judge a person by a number rather than looking at who they are and what they are? It’s preposterous!

Let us get this clear. There is NOTHING wrong with Madonna choosing to reveal her tits to the world, just as there is nothing wrong with other women revealing their cunts to the world on various porn sites. There is something terribly wrong with a woman under a certain age doing this but, for me, there is no age limit to the beauty of woman who still feels sexual.
Maybe not everyone wants to see a 65 year old woman’s body but it is a matter of choice, and I can think of plenty of 65 year old women who have far better bodies than this particular human being. The numbers mean nothing!

What does mean something is the liberation that comes from being able to express oneself sexually.

Even Madonna, a woman who has always been overt in her sexuality, would probably have got a huge surge of arousal by doing this ‘naughty’ act. When she kissed Britney Spears on stage it was a judgement call. It was done to provoke conversation. It was a performance, deliberately enacted to get all those men (and women) whose dream is to watch two women performing sexual acts on one another to rush their minds forward into the possible post-performance pussy-munching that could occur when two women are aroused by one another.

(Slight pause to think about this …….. mmmmmmmm!)

Madonna is in her sexual element. I know how that feels and it is an utterly brilliant place to be; the absolute best place to be. I want to be in my sexual element forever, and I never want to stop feeling aroused and excited and stimulated by sex. I need my sexual element and I am sure that Madonna needs hers too.

Yet so few of us are prepared to admit this, especially in the later stages of life.

Which is why it was so incredibly wonderful to see a follow up of the Madonna Nipplegate in “The Sun” of all newspapers.

It’s not very often that you get the chance to praise the newspaper that is responsible for far too much irritation and indeed trauma for many innocent people, but this time they got it right.

They chose some women to re-enact Madonna’s revelation, and then they explained how they felt.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/4371665/Madonna-was-right-to-bare-her-boob-at-53.html

“I felt nervous when I pulled my bra down but that’s only natural — Madonna probably did too. But then I felt empowered, it was an incredible feeling.” said the first woman who revealed a really lovely nipple.

Empowered. Empowered. What an utterly brilliant feeling!

 “I never feel more liberated than when I’m topless — whether on the beach or at home.” said the next, and continues to say that she is fed up with the prejudice towards older woman and their sexuality.

The next woman made another comment about Madonna but should be equally relevant to all sexual women of a certain age.

“If you’re an older lady people assume you should act like an older lady. I disagree. No matter how old she gets she should never stop being herself.”

No matter how old anyone gets, man or woman, you should never stop being yourself, and that includes sexually (obviously within reason!).

These women are not freaks; they are not trying to prove any point other than the fact that there is huge liberation in being sexual. There is also a ridiculous amount of hypocrisy in sexuality. They point out how it is perfectly acceptable to walk around a beach naked (sadly only in certain places) but nipping your nip out for a second is deemed to be naughty.

We really are quite fucked up about sexuality and the functions of our body, and our mindful reactions.

Madonna, I implore you. Keep going girl. Keep doing things that just push the boundaries of thought on certain sexual issues.

I look forward with anticipation to her pissing on the stage without the world going into free-fall at the utter shock of someone doing something that we all do more than once a day.

And yes, I realise that my love of golden showers is an acquired taste and not exactly mainstream (if you excuse the pun) but my point is that within reason and without hurting or abusing others, we should be able to express our sexuality in many ways and at many ages and that this is the most liberating and empowering thing in life.

…………………………….

For further reading, take a look at these two articles from the Guardian. The comments on the latter are worth a read too.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/shortcuts/2012/jun/12/pass-notes-3192-the-nipple?INTCMP=SRCH

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/jun/13/madonna-nipples-hands-off?INTCMP=SRCH

Oh, and a glorious challenge to Bruce Springsteen too?