Michael Douglas and Safe Oral Sex

For those of us who’ve been affected by sexually transmitted infections (including HPV – human papillomavirus), the interview with Michael Douglas in this week’s Guardian newspaper was quite intriguing. In it, he implied that his throat cancer could have been caused by performing oral sex.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2013/jun/02/michael-douglas-oral-sex-cancer

Whilst later in the week, he appeared to be retracting these comments, it certainly has created interest and one suspects that there might be a few alarm bells ringing in the heads of those that lovingly and delightfully indulge in fellatio and cunnilingus.

We tend not to talk about this important aspect of sexuality because, for some bizarre reason, we don’t like to admit that kissing and sucking the sexual organs of our partners or lovers is so delicious. So the thought of popping off to the clinic to discuss it in great detail might be somewhat off-putting to many, yet it is something that we really ought to do.

The reality, though, is that many people who are sexually active do participate in fellatio and cunnilingus without any negative health repercussions.

I adore both. I love nothing more than filling my entire mouth with a wholesome, large and erect penis that, with joyous practice, slides down comfortably without the gagging reactions forcing an abrupt end to the proceedings. It takes time to get it right and the old adage practice makes perfect is completely right.

Likewise with cunnilingus. I’ve had lovers who think that the mere fact that they’re prepared to stick their tongue inside my vagina will do the trick and force an eruption of my bodily fluids. But just as we need to learn with our fingers or our cocks, so too do we need to learn with our tongues. It’s not enough to go in and go out again without exploring every corner of this fascinating and enthralling part of the body.

Whether you are the recipient or the provider of cunnilingus, it’s really important to talk it through with your partner. Tell them where to go. Explain as they are doing it precisely what is happening to your body. Get them to lick inside and outside, exploring the form of the body with that delicious line of expectation that hides the wonderment of woman’s hidden parts. To be honest, I’m juicing up at the thought of it. Oh to be licked and kissed like that – pure delight.

Enough of that though. We need to return to the health message. The overwhelming delights of this sexual experience can turn into a horror if you do end up with an infection – at worse cancerous growths.

We need to be safe. We need to respect the safety of others and we need to be very aware that our sexual behaviour can impact significantly on ourselves and the lives of our sexual partners.

My own experience is something that I would like to share with others because it’s a reality and shows just how negligent we can be about our own bodies and their healthiness, either wittingly or not.

As a person who has indulged in polyamorous behaviour, I took a hell of a risk. I knew that my lover had another sexual partner, and at the time, albeit reluctantly, I too was having sex with another person. We continued in that manner without ever once going to a clinic to check that our sexual health was intact, assuming (rightly or wrongly) that our other sexual partners were only having sex with us. To this day, I don’t know whether that is the case. What I do know is that we took unnecessary risks, and with an understandable lack of honesty with our respective partners, we placed them in similar jeopardy.

At the time, however, two issues took precedence for me.

Firstly, I wanted to have sex with this man no matter what. My desire for his “un-condomed” cock was driving my mind far more than any amount of knowledge about safe sex. If I had to share that unprotected cock with another, then fine. That’s what I’d have to do, and that’s what I did – often.

Secondly, I was in a relationship that wouldn’t cope with the truth of me having sex with another. My lover was in a similar situation. My partner and my lover’s partner couldn’t be told that we were in a sexual relationship that didn’t use condoms and had plenty of fellatio and cunnilingus. My lover was adamant that I shouldn’t tell my partner and that his shouldn’t be told either.

So there was a choice. Tell people (our partners) the truth, stop having sex with my lover, start having protective sex with my lover without the joy of aforementioned oral sex or stop having sex with our respective partners.

Circumstances meant that the latter was the option that we took, and for years, whilst maintaining a policy of polyamory (and practice too unbeknown to me) to all intents and purposes we only had one another as a sexual partner.

But even this isn’t and wasn’t safe. The fact that my lover had another lover during this time was totally unknown to me. Wrongly, he assumed that I would find this difficult. Wrongly, he chose not to tell me, possibly because I would have wanted him and me to check ourselves out at a clinic, for all its embarrassment. But even if we were monogamous, we should still have probably got the all clear as we both knew we had been in a relationship with other sexual partners whilst indulging in glorious sex together.

We were utter fools.

The situation changed once more when he decided he wanted more permanent additional lovers in his life. Telling me that he was having protected sex with both of them, I happily indulged in unprotected sex, thinking, stupidly, that I was safe.

Even if he had been wearing a condom with his other lovers, he was still more than likely to be giving them cunnilingus, which meant that I was still potentially at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, as was he. Even if he hadn’t been having oral sex with these other women, the fact that he came straight from them to me meant that there were times when I was sucking the sexual juices of those women from his cock when I gave him an instinctive blow job prior to him showering them off him. Funny really, because I can remember how he grinned as I told him how good he tasted. Perverse? Maybe but not to me.

The point is that if you choose to have sex with multiple partners, then all of those involved need to be seen at a clinic regularly. I know to my cost that this should have happened and didn’t, and it’s something that I bitterly regret and hope that I don’t regret it in the future even more than I do right now and even more so than I did this time last year.

Sexual health is important, and I don’t know whether Michael Douglas and his wife have other sexual partners. In many ways, it’s an irrelevance. One slight non-sexually related infection or benign existence of the HPV in her could have been a causal factor to his cancer. However, if you are having sex with more than one person or if you have very good reason to believe that your partner is having unprotected sex of any form with another, then I implore you to get yourself checked out as you do carry a greater risk. What you might find can be alarming and frightening but it’s far worse than sitting around waiting for whatever potential infection there may be to grow into something far worse and potentially untreatable. An arrogant belief that everyone is safe is wrong, unfair and downright irresponsible.

Polyamory should always come with a health warning – the main one being an emotional health warning with the potential of a massive, damaging and long-living impact on your feelings and self-worth. Polyamory can be safe, though it’s impossible to get away from the fact that you are more at risk of infection by the very nature of probability than you are in a monogamous relationship. Monogamous relationships aren’t immune from infections. It happens.

Just be safe. Check yourself out and deal with the consequences and the downside of the most brilliant aspects of life – our sexuality.

PS – I still fundamentally believe in polyamory.

How to teach about Pornography

What the teacher can’t say about pornography but I can

Yesterday there was a report from the Children’s Commissioner about pornography. It said that pornography is everywhere, which is a slight exaggeration. However with the presence of the internet it is far easier to access pornography than it was even a decade ago.

Let’s not forget though that pornography has been around for years and the reason that it’s so financially viable, even these days with so much free access to it, is because many millions of people get some enjoyment from watching other people fuck.

Confession time: I love pornography and I miss pornography. As I’m currently in a state of enforced celibacy I’ve deliberately chosen not to do much trawling and traipsing through these internet sites. Why? – well, there are a few reasons for this.

Firstly, pornography turns me on. Normally, I love to watch other people enjoying sex, and I have loved doing some of the things that I’ve seen other people doing. However, when I can’t do that for myself, it can be a bit depressing to see other people enjoying themselves in a way that I’d quite like to be doing. I’m insane enough without adding to my stupidity and loss.

Secondly, whilst I frequently looked at pornography alone, I preferred being able to share it, even if the person with whom I was sharing it wasn’t in the same room, building or even town as me. Being able to send a link to another person(s) so that we could both independently and collectively enjoy a particular site gave me an immense amount of pleasure.

Thirdly, it reminds me of what I am missing. Sorry, but that’s the truth. I shall overcome…….cum, cum.

But what is it about pornography that gets people going, in more senses than one? Why are people so hung up on its damaging influence without acknowledging the positive aspects of pornography? If it’s so bloody awful and gruesome, why are so many very sane and perfectly normal people frequent visitors to sites? What is wrong with admitting to being a sexually excited and excitable person and that pornography can be a part of that excitement?

This report that has come out suggests that we talk to young people about pornography. I haven’t got a problem with that. I think we ought to but I think we ought to look at the entire notion of sex and relationship education in a completely different way before we get onto the specifics of pornography or any sexually related issue. I also think we ought to consider what our message about pornography is going to be before we make even more stupid mistakes in the alleged name of educating our young people about sex.

“Just say no”, “Don’t get pregnant” “Keep it in your trousers” are all messages that teenagers have heard for decades with no real variation in the basic message of “Don’t fuck”. We perpetuate the myth that sex is bad by using words like “dirty” or by hiding away from our own sexuality amongst other adults. We tell young people that sex is not for them when their own bodies and minds are already beyond the point of abstinence, instead of giving them the appropriate message that sex is such a bloody wonderful experience they should put off penetrative sex until their minds, bodies and souls are ready to embrace the enormity of its wonderment.

We subvert the joys of sex by not being able to talk about it freely and openly, whilst simultaneously and hypocritically using sex to sell products. Guess what, young people see through this. Why, they say, should we not have sex if it is such a good thing that you lot are more than happy to indulge in?

Why am I saying all of this? For one key reason – we can’t talk about pornography properly until we have reviewed our thoughts on relationship education altogether. If we continue with this “sex is dirty” mentality, then the natural progression is that pornography is the devil-incarnate of that dirtiness. However, if we are more honest about the importance of sexuality and the positive aspects of being sexual, then we can also look at pornography in a slightly different and more honest light – that many millions of people enjoy it and they do so for a very good reason. Sex is bloody good.

If I was a teacher, this is what I would like to be saying about sex and I would hazard a guess that this more honest approach to sex is what young people would like to talk about too.

Firstly, I would talk to you young people about respecting themselves and other people. I would spend time talking about relationships, about trust, honesty, openness – in platonic relationships before you get onto the nitty gritty of sex. This would be an on-going part of relationships education. I would give them different scenarios and ask them to consider how they would feel and how they would respond. I would also ask them to look at the mixed messages our society gives about sex, for example certain newspapers running stories about sexual depravities or condemning professionals for teaching sex education to five year olds whilst simultaneously selling their paper and their internet site by having beautiful buxoms adorning their front page, not page 3!

Then I would make sure that every young person knew of the range of sexually exciting things they could do before they indulged in the delights of penetrative sex. I’d tell them all about the wonderment of cunnilingus and fellatio - cunt kissing and blow jobs to the less informed. I’d explain the joy of simply lying next to another naked human being, enfolded into one another, possibly cupping cock or tits as an extremely arousing thing to do. I’d tell them that before they get anywhere near exploring other people’s bodies, they should know their own and that they should masturbate to see what happens to their bodies and what works for them. Therefore, by the time they get to be with other people, they will have a far greater understanding of what they like and what they don’t like. I’d strongly advocate the notion of young women knowing what their sexual parts look like and what happens when you hit the clitoris or rub it for yourself. I’d ask young women to consider inserting more than a tampon into their vagina so that they can feel what other people in the future would feel.

I know this may sound a little heavy but it’s far more honest than what we are doing now, and all of this is supposed to encourage young people to know themselves so that they don’t prematurely rush into something that they’re not ready for.

I’d talk about female ejaculation and orgasms and tell young people that they do exist. Our misogynistic approach to sexuality has to stop. We don’t pee boys, we ejaculate. If I could rule the sexual education world, I’d almost be inclined to say that you really shouldn’t have penetrative sex until you’ve experienced an orgasm for yourself – but that’s probably a bit too controversial.

And I would tell young people to wait, and wait, and wait some more until they can fully appreciate the brilliance of sex with another person, ensuring that they are ready physically and emotionally for the experience to be the best it can be. Throughout all of this, I would continue to reiterate the importance of respect, and I’d talk about how to maintain, finish and review relationships in a compassionate and considerate way.

So how does this all relate to pornography? Well, if you’ve had a sex-positive approach to relationship and sex education, then you can look at pornography in a far more enlightened and radical way. It’s not good to keep perpetuating the idea that pornography is dirty stuff that only revolting old men with dirty minds indulge in. It just isn’t like that.

This report that I mentioned at the start of this piece concludes that some young people are at risk from looking at pornography and that in some cases this can lead to deviant and abusive behaviour. But this is only one aspect of pornography. The other side of the coin is that it is incredibly enjoyable and a wonderful part of our sexuality.

Our young people are looking at pornography and I don’t think it’s fair on them to reprimand them for being inquisitive, especially when they’re getting all sorts of mixed messages from society, from schools and from their peers.

We should make it explicit in our sex and relationships education that pornography can be a source of much amusement and enjoyment as part of a loving and sexually positive relationship. At the same time, we should also let them know that there is exploitation in the business and that not all sexual experiences are exactly as they are seen on the internet. We should say to them that they may see some unusual activities and we should enable them to talk openly about things that they find uncomfortable but equally we should enable them to be open about things that excite them – if necessary challenging them on certain issues.

I’m not a sexual deviant. I’m an honest person who wishes she could be honest about her own sexuality and wishes that other people could be free to do the same – within reason. None of the subjects or content that I’ve mentioned here should be done without a full understanding of the needs of young people. A very clear idea of what young people know, what they want to know and how they feel about discussing such issues should always be carried out first, and a view on safe-guarding and child protection should always be at the forefront of the minds of those facilitating and enabling such discussions.

But please, please, please consider how honest we are being about sexuality. Please consider whether we really want another generation of people who don’t know how to handle relationships honestly and considerately. Please let’s not have another generation of people who shy away from their sexuality, ashamed by their alleged vulgarity when the reality is that they are only wanting to do what is natural, and please let’s have a little rethink about the truth about pornography before we all rush into schools saying that porn is a sin and the devil will be awaiting if you click the bad button on your computer.

The Spirituality of Sex

This week the Pope said that nuns should be “spiritual mothers not spinsters”. He called for them to have “fertile chastity” and to be like Mary – who, of course, was a virgin according to the scriptures.

Well this got me thinking. What exactly does it mean to be spiritual? Am I spiritual? What is it about other people that make them appear to be spiritual? What can I do to be more spiritual, if that is something to which I aspire?

Someone once asked me, “At what time in your life do you think you were happiest?” My response was “now” or rather the “now” when I knew that I was cared for, and that for every ounce of lovingkindness I afforded to those I loved,  it was returned in equal measure. This, in turn, gave me a spiritual warmth that made me feel that everything would be ok in my world and in the world of others – known or unknown to me. Even with the inevitable hiccups of life, I, and those I cared about most would be more than ok.

So what was special about that time in my life? What ingredients gave me the feeling of serenity, of distinct and memorable moments of Satori, of feeling as though what I was doing for myself and others was as it should be?

I was enjoying a beautiful, healthy relationship of respect, consideration, affection, intimacy, trust, honesty and thoughtfulness – from both sides. I was working on something that I felt completely fulfilled by. I was doing something that I felt would benefit others, not just for my own self-satisfaction and absolutely nothing to do with financial gain. I was spending time listening to incredible music, going for walks in diverse and sometimes unexpected environments. I was being creative and appreciating the creativity of others. I was reading and writing extensively on a range of different, and sometimes conflicting, subjects. I had moments of such intense clarity that I didn’t need anything else in life other than that all important sense of who I am. I knew that I would be more than contented if I never ate the finest food or had the finest clothes ever again because I had become so attuned to my own self, who I was and what that meant to others. I was living day in day out in the now and loving nearly every minute.

It wasn’t all plain sailing. There were huge issues in my life at the time that needed to be dealt with, and still do. There were hurdles to overcome. There were barriers in the way of an even greater sense of wellbeing, but to all intents, I was content.

What I also had was a very healthy sex life. It was, and still is, an incredibly important aspect of who I am. I indulged in many a sexual act that I hadn’t even conceived of. They were naughty things that other people did – not my cup of tea at all. But as I learned more about myself, who I was and released some pent-up and much ignored inhibitions, I realised that these sexual acts were not “acts” at all. They were an integral part of who I am, and it was this acknowledgement and practice of my sexuality that added to my general sense of spirituality and wellbeing.

I was, and am, a far better person when I am sexually active because there’s something about the spirituality of sex and intimacy with someone you adore and who adores you in return that completes me. It doesn’t kill – it completes!

Acknowledging this fact I now ponder about whether I can be spiritual without the completeness that sexuality brings to me, and these interesting comments from the Jesuit Pope made me wonder once more. Can he or the chaste maids that he addressed ever be truly spiritual if they’ve never experienced the completeness of that moment of mutual and simultaneous orgasms that take you beyond this world into an unknown place where only you reside? Can the Dalai Lama, the Buddhists monks of the East, the catholic priests who are essentially good people, ever truly reach their moment of Satori and gain a true understanding of enlightenment if they’ve never known what it is to be physically, sexually, spiritually close to another human being?

Their answer would lie in what I said about fine clothes and food. They’ve gone beyond those needs, and they’ve also gone beyond the desire for sex. They have transcended those earthy needs and become non-attached, without need other than the basic needs for sustaining their existence – food, water, shelter. They are dependent on nobody. That is where their spirituality is.

Well, good for them. I’m glad they’re contented. I’m glad that if I asked them the question “At what time in your life do you think you were happiest?” they’d be able to answer “now” instinctively because their “now” is free from all the excess baggage that so many of us carry about in our complicated lives. I’m glad for them that there’s no aspect of co-dependency that seems to inflict the rest of us.

So for me, should I give up my sexuality and see it as an unnatural and dangerous desire in order that I reach this level of serenity that is expected of these people of faith, or should I accept that sexuality is an integral part of who I am and acknowledge, without craving it, that sexuality is a significant part of my personal spirituality?

It all sounds perfectly feasible. I opt for the latter and accept that I’m a sexual being who needs intimacy in my life – and this gives me the spiritual brilliance that I adore. Only there’s a problem. If we are to be non-attached, if we are to be at one with ourselves without the need for others, then clearly sexuality can’t be a vital element of our spirituality because, without being too blunt about it, you need another person for sex. I know you can masturbate for the physical gratification of orgasm but it really isn’t the same, however much we convince ourselves that “an orgasm a day keeps insanity away”.

It just doesn’t add up. You can’t have sex without a sexual partner. You can’t get a sense of spiritual wellbeing just by sex either. There has to be a significant connection between you and another human being – well, that’s the way it is for me anyhow. And this in turn, brings another thought to mind. Can you really be spiritually well without being slightly dependent on other people being an integral part of your life?

We all need our moments of being alone. We all need the serenity of the oneness with ourselves. We all need to follow our own paths and not be persuaded to veer off in another direction just to placate the whims, needs or hopes of another human being but we also need those other people too. The priests, the ones that have foregone so much of life to achieve this serene sense of spirituality are the lucky ones in many respects. They aren’t reliant on sexuality for the spiritual wellness, and many of the great texts from both east and west say that this is truly the essence of spirituality. So if that is the case, then is my sexuality anything to do with my spirituality or something completely different?

Yet, I return to that question. When was I happiest? The answer keeps returning to the same time, the same response. I was happiest, I was well, I was more spiritually aware, I was more ME when I was sexually fulfilled – accepting my sexuality, living, breathing, loving it. And the spirit of my sexuality was dependent upon another person.

As for now, if my personal sexuality makes me a more spiritual, person, if that sexuality is an integral part of me and my wellbeing, then how do I maintain a different sort of spirituality without sex? How do I function with one part of my soul locked? How can I appear to be, to myself and others, fully functioning without sex? How can I possibly be desirable to others, sexually and platonically, when my sexuality is missing? And if this is the case for me, isn’t it the same for others too? If someone has lost their sexuality, by choice or by being forced into the situation through bereavement or separation, then how are they to function without this basic need? Can anyone, even the lovely nuns that listened to Pope Francis’s address this week, really be the spiritual wonders that the world expects if they haven’t experienced the utter and overwhelming joy of sexual intimacy? And is it really any wonder that others appear more spiritually exciting than those of us forced to abstain when they have their sexuality in place?

I’m not the only person who sees this correlation between sex and spirituality. I’m not the only person who tackles with the dichotomy of what we get spiritually out of giving and receiving through sexual intimacy with others compared with the alleged spirituality of abstinence. I endeavour every day to change my opinion about sex and to embrace the emptiness of chastity in the vain hope that I will finally realise that the truest enlightenment can only come from within and can’t ever be dependent on another human being.

But quite frankly, I’m yet to be convinced because sex is so damn important, and of course for many, such as Abraham Maslow, is seen as a basic human need. Well if that’s the case, no wonder those of us who desire sex don’t function completely without it. Is there really such a thing as fertile chastity? Can we really be self-actualised, fully functional people, able to accomplish transcendence all on our own – all without sexuality? Can we really BE, without other people? I know the answer is complicated and contradictory.

As for me, I live in perpetual hope. And in itself, that gives me some sense of spiritual wellbeing.

Celebrating Beyonce Aesthetically

Beyonce Knowles is an extremely beautiful woman. Even if you are not sexually excited or stimulated by her curvaceous and near-perfect body, surely you can see the aesthetic attraction of it. If I had the body of this woman, I would certainly want the world to know how proud I was of its form and would happily wear some of the outfits that she seems likely to be criticised for wearing.

An article in the Guardian newspaper last week explores the issue of Beyonce’s sartorial choices and says that, "You have to wonder what one of Beyoncé's biggest fans, Michelle Obama, would tell her daughters about this outfit."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2013/apr/19/beyonce-risque-world-tour-outfits

Well, here’s my helping hand should the conversation arise between Michelle, Malia and Sasha.

Girls: Mummy! Beyonce is showing her nipples!

Michelle: Well, actually girls, she isn’t showing her nipples at all. There’s no nudity and there’s no raunchy cleavage. What we can see is a demonstration of the female form, which many deem to be extremely attractive.

Girls: But isn’t it rude?

Michelle: Well, unfortunately society has seen fit to make us believe that women’s breasts are rude when in actual fact, they should be celebrated, enjoyed and not perpetually hidden away in secrecy pretending they don’t exist. What Beyonce is doing here is showing that she’s all woman, and that’s something that we should definitely celebrate. This outfit is only “rude” because we aren’t accustomed to women being so forthright about the beauty of their own bodies. I applaud Beyonce for furthering the cause and empowering young women to feel positive about their bodies, especially when they are naturally curvaceous rather than slim beyond healthiness.

And so the conversation might continue with references to sexuality that Michelle, as a sensible woman, would respond to in accordance with the two girls’ maturity - guided by their questions just as all sensible responses to questions on sex should be.

The image of Beyonce here is sexual but it’s only sexual because our society has made it so. Why shouldn’t beautiful women be free to display their beauty, within reason, without the rest of the world thinking they are making an explicit statement about their sexuality? And even if she was making an explicit statement about her sexuality, then what precisely is wrong with that?

We all know that Beyonce has had sex. She has a daughter to “prove” that is the case. We can see, whether she is fully-clad or not, that she has a certain sexual presence and is aware of her sexuality but that doesn’t make her immoral or prone to promiscuity. She is as she is!

If I’m perfectly honest, I like looking at this photograph of Beyonce. I love the fullness of her form. I adore the shapeliness of her breasts and the rather unsubtle insinuation of the size and extent of her nipples. I love her big hips, accentuated by the cut of the piece across the top of her thighs. But none of this makes me want to jump on the nearest man or woman to have full-blown intercourse. It doesn’t make me reach out for the nearest vibrator. I just love the eroticism of it, for its own sake, and whilst in a moment of quiet, I might refer back to such a picture, that is not the point of my enjoyment. It’s just a very beautiful photograph of a very beautiful woman wearing a very beautiful outfit that emphasises her very beautiful body.

I also love the idea that the costume is a sort of 21^st Century piece of art that Klimt himself could have drawn. I like the idea that this is something that he might have used in an updated version of his infamous “The Kiss” drawing, with Jay Z Carter, Beyonce’s partner, clad in a matching robe of glistening gold. In fact, I think I might suggest to the couple that, as a glorious celebration of their togetherness, their personal sexuality and their private intimacy with one another, they should commission someone to do a portrait in the style of Klimt with Beyonce wearing this very outfit.

I’m sick and tired of people criticising beautiful women for being proud of their bodies. It’s so hypocritical too. They put on their puritanical blacks and espouse the trouble for society with an influx of these sorts of images whilst simultaneously delighting in them, possibly enviously looking at every part of the woman’s body, and selling their papers in the process.

When we will realise that female empowerment will never be realised until we are comfortable with the female form? We shouldn’t shy away from our own beauty. We shouldn’t hide our assets for the sake of the comfort of others if we ourselves would like to display them more prominently. We should be able to display our assets more prominently without fear of misinterpretation, without the possibility of someone saying we are only doing this to attract attention from a potentially sexually aroused onlooker.

As a woman, I want to dress in a way that makes me feel comfortable with who I am. In my most sexual days, I guess I wanted people to know that I was happily, sexually active and if that meant I wore a top that was slightly more revealing, then that was up to me – and FOR me! If I choose to wear a top that exposes more of my cleavage when I am without a sexual partner, it doesn’t mean that I’m trying to attract attention in a fit of desperation. I’m merely wearing something that I feel comfortable in. I’ve got big tits. I celebrate the fact. End of.

Beyonce is absolutely right to wear this outfit, and if Michelle Obama wants to talk to her girls about such an outfit, then I hope she might refer to the short piece of advice that I’ve provided.

Let women be women. Let women adore their own bodies irrespective of what it does to other people. Let women choose whether they display more of their wares than some feel is appropriate. Let’s not confuse the joy of eroticism with the joy of sex. (They are different, and I shall explain my opinion on that at another time.) Let’s enjoy aestheticism more readily without being criticised for being a voyeur.

And on a final note, to the author of the attached piece, please don’t continually refer to Beyonce as “Mrs Carter” when you are addressing the issue of her clothing. Whether it was intended or not, it suggests that she “belongs” to someone else and that it’s unfitting of a married woman to bring her sexuality to the forefront of minds other than her husbands.

What is good sex?

Drinking a decent sauvignon blanc in a chic bar in town a few weeks ago, the conversation with an old friend casually limbered towards her relatively new boyfriend and their sex life – as you do!

This younger friend of mine had recently met a tall, muscular, blond beauty (according to her) and had spent the last four months exploring one another’s body with the usual vigour of early attraction.

“The sex is great” she said with a massive, satisfied and slightly smug face.

I rejoiced for her and with her. I like to hear about sex being good. I like to know that people that I care about are fully embracing their sexuality and enjoying the wonderment of this all important facet of being human.

But, in true Zenpuss style, I was also intrigued to find out what constituted good sex for this woman. This was purely  an anthropological enquiry as I am fascinated by peoples’ understanding of this judgement driven statement – sex is good.

“How good?” I asked “What is it that makes this sex good?”

She thought about it for some time, and then said, “Well, he always makes the effort to make me cum before we have penetrative sex, and we have some real enjoyable foreplay. Of course, he doesn’t make me cum vaginally because I don’t really think that’s possible. And whilst he cums quite quickly, it’s really good during the time that he’s inside me.”

Oh dear, I thought.

Without wishing to be intrusive, I had to ask a few follow –up questions.

1.       What makes you think that vaginal orgasms aren’t possible?

2.       Have you ever ejaculated?

3.       Why do you think that having short fucks that last a matter of minutes constitutes good sex?

There were more questions but these were a starting point.

With regard to the first, she explained that whilst she had seen porn sites where it looked as though people were having orgasms during penetration, she had never experienced this and thought that it was a bit of an act, akin to the screaming of Meg Ryan at the café in “When Harry Met Sally”. She said that she loved the feel of her man inside her, and it certainly excited her but didn’t bring her to a climax.

I politely and courteously explained that I had, on many occasions, reached orgasm through vaginal stimulation and that it wasn’t a figment of my imagination or the story-telling falseness of a porn video director.

“Well what does it feel like?” she said. “How do you know?”

How you know it’s an orgasm, I wondered. Well it just is!

A vaginal orgasm, I explained, doesn’t feel the same as a clitoral one but there’s something incredibly special about it, even if it doesn’t bring the deepest physical sensation that the clitty cum does. In many ways, the vaginal orgasm is deeper and more soul-lifting than the clitoral one.

It’s a difficult thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It’s a slow build, a lasting sensation that reverberates around your body, building and progressing and receding and renewing throughout the penetration. And yet there is still the point of climax where you can feel the delicate and intrinsic movement of cock on vagina wall with such intensity.

What sort of analogy could I use?

It’s rather like a child’s spinning top. You keep pressing down and pressing down to get the object to spin, and as you see the colours swirl into one another you begin to get excited at the prospect of the toy taking off on its own. Once the peak point has occurred, you release your hand from the spinning top and allow the toy to spin round with the force that you’ve given it. It twists and twirls, excites and energises itself through its perpetual movement, and then it gracefully slows down until it’s ready to be triggered into action again by a carefully adept human being.

Is that what a vaginal orgasm is like? To some extent, yes. The build-up is part of the delight and an integral part of the ultimate climax itself, but the beauty of it lasts throughout. It’s the growth of friction that passes by every tiny cell within, bringing it to life in just the same way as a cock reaches climax. Male ejaculation occurs through friction to the point of ejaculation. Why is it so impossible to consider that exactly the same scientific force can’t do the same for women?

“And you’ve experienced this vaginal orgasm?” my friend asked.

“Countless times” I responded. “I’m not suggesting that I cum in this way every time I have sex but very often. You need to engage your mind in the process without deliberately doing so”.

Well now we are onto a completely different learning curve. How can you explain to someone that they have to think without thinking if they have no understanding of such a contradictory concept? And this is why I write. Sex isn’t just a physical thing, and Zenpuss knows this explicitly. The Zen of sex is engaging the mind and the soul together with the body without making a conscious effort to do so. You need to lost your mind at the same time as engaging it. You need to think about the physical feeling of penetration without lingering on that thought to the detriment of the physical act of sex.

So we wandered onto the next subject of ejaculation.

“So what happens when you ejaculate?” she asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I said.

“I’m intrigued!” was her response.

“I need towels, lots of them”.

She looked at me, stifling a giggle or two. Incredulity sprawls across her face as she asks if it’s like the YouPorn clips of cascades of water emitting from a cunt.

The porn sites, full of squirters, are not digitally enhanced or computer generated. The women don’t have a balloon of water shoved up their fanny. This happens.

I explained that through both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, and preferably the two simultaneously, I (or others) can work my body into such a frenzy that it needs to release. The swelling of the organs has a range of responses but one of the responses is a physical build-up of fuck juices. Just as a man needs to release these at the point of climax then so too does a woman.

I gush, I told her. I gush, according to some, an extraordinary amount of liquid. I can do it to myself too. I can lie on a floor, open my legs, finger fuck myself to the point that I am lubricated enough to take a little bit more of my hand, and with the right frame of mind, and the right course of action, I can make myself cum, and in doing so I can spray a hell of a lot of juice out of my body.

This, for me, is an integral part of good sex. I’m not saying that this has to happen every time but I tend to be somewhat juicy and it has become an important part of my sexuality – to be able to release this incredible amount of juiciness that my body appears to manufacture during sex.

“But how do you know it’s not urine?” she asked – the question that so many people insist on asking.

I explained to her that it’s quite obviously not urine. Firstly, I tend to empty my bladder before sex anyway. I got into a habit of doing this as I did initially think that my juices may be urine and I wanted to be doubly sure that I was completely free of that sort of fluid prior to sex. I pointed out that I can pee and within minutes, with the right stimulation, can emit a cascade of liquid. Secondly, without being to blunt about the issue, it doesn’t smell like urine. It has a unique, almost neutral, smell all of its own. Thirdly, I’ve experimented and tested the emissions that prove that it’s not urine, but that’s another story.

And so we came to the final question – the longevity of sex. Good sex offers variety. A quickie can certainly be good sex, especially if it’s accompanied by mutual orgasms of whatever type but quickie after quickie with no possibility of 30, 40 or 50 minutes of love-making before climax is not what I would call good sex. No wonder she hasn’t experienced a vaginal orgasm. In my experience, that takes time. That old spinning top will peter out if you don’t’ give it enough force to speed off on its own.

The reason for talking about all of this is that it’s up to those of us who have experienced sex at its best to explain to the rest of the world what they might be missing. Good sex is good sex, some might say but when you know that good sex for others is only a fraction of what the body, mind and soul is capable of, then you really do have a duty to tell others about the real constitution of good sex.

It’s hard to explain all of this, and sometimes, it’s hard to really portray the all-encompassing brilliance of good sex but I can’t sit by and allow people to essentially experience mediocre sex when they have the potential to have brilliant sex with a person that they care about enormously. Life is too short to accept mediocrity. Life is too short to deny the importance, value and brilliance of sex, and life is certainly too short to deny the truth about female sexuality and all that it entails, which irritatingly and frustratingly still seems to be misunderstood by so many – so many who think they are enlightened in the joys of sex too!

I Want My Daughter to Sleep with her Partner

I'm lying in bed naked with a seriously small vibrator, unable to pleasure myself for three reasons.

1. I'm bored of the miniscule size of the equipment that reminds me of the inadequacy of a three-minute shag with wee blokes whose own equipment (and imagination) was sadly lacking.

2. There's something wrong down below. One of the damnable ironies of life is that a tingling sensation of an unknown infection is a little similar to the onset of an orgasm from a vigorous finger fuck.

3. My daughter is lying a flimsy wall away from me, presumably pleasuring her partner whilst I turn an insipid shade of green that she might have a warm body next to her all night whilst I lie here, legs straddled awaiting nothing but a soothing gush of cold air.

The good news is that if I do succumb to the little plastic performer, it won't take too long to tickle the tingle into a more pleasurable sensation, and yes, I do conduct an extremely hygienic clean-up operation.

They're giggling now, which is always joyous to hear. Soon, they will go through the noisy rigmarole of closing doors and opening others, to convince me that one of them is transferring to another room for the night. I really hope they don't go through with it. I really hope that they have been comforted enough by my own unsubtle door closure and exaggerated switching off of the lights, to remain in the same room and spend the night together.

That said, gawd help me if I want a glass of water or a trip to the loo in the next hour - another reason for not pleasuring my pussy.

I want them to sleep together. There are many reasons I want them to do this, number one being the immensely, warm and wonderful feeling of waking up either in the arms of a loved one or lying next to them knowing that they want to be next to you, ready to take you at their moment of wakening.

But on a purely practical level, I want them to sleep together to prevent her getting pregnant, and whilst that may sound bizarre, there is reason rather than deluded madness behind such a statement which I shall explain shortly.

Okay, there's a slight confession to be had here. It's not very likely that she's going to get pregnant. She's been taking contraception tablets for a few months now, ever since I noticed a look in her eye, and a maturity in her tone when talking about her boyfriend, that suggested to me her virginal days were about to be consigned to the past. This boyfriend and this relationship feels different - to her and to me. The soppy, awkwardness of teenage droopy-eyed ‘lurve’ is gone. I'm not saying he is THE one; forever and a day until their last breath leaves their withered body decades from now (please no!) but he could be THE one to bring her further into the bewildering brilliance of being a woman.

Just hopefully not tonight. I'd much prefer her first penetrative sexual experience to be in slightly more intimate surroundings, without the nervousness of a potential and accidental visit from a sibling - walking in on her mid flow, or without a need to curb her cries of delight so as not to offend her seemingly celibate mother.

I want my daughter to be able to scream out in ecstasy as she reaches her first penetrative climax. I want her to be enraptured and vocal when seeing her boyfriend spunk for the first time, assuming, of course, this hasn't already happened. I want her to be able to freely walk round the room and house, stark naked after sex; celebrating her liberation into womanhood.

I want her to experience all of this because she's ready for it in mind, body and soul. On reflection, had I waited and learned a little more about what I was actually doing, if I had been clear as to what I wanted, if I'd known my own body more intimately, then my first penetrative sexual experience might not have been so tragic. Furthermore, had I known how brilliant sex could be from the outset, I wouldn't have put up with huge bouts of mediocrity in my sexual life, and had I not had to wait for the real thing of complete freedom and intimacy to do absolutely anything I and a lover wanted with one another's bodies, then I might not miss it quite as much as I do.

The best things do come to those who wait, and mature sex is gratifying in a way that the spring-like urgency of youthful liaisons can't quite manage. However, l don't want my daughter to wait as long as I did for consistently wonderful sex, to the point where its loss is so painfully mourned.

So why do I think that sleeping with her boyfriend might prevent pregnancy, and let's assume she's not using any method of contraception. Whilst we're at it, let's pretend she's not my daughter. Let's imagine that she's like many, many teenagers who don't have either sexually enlightened parents or the confidence and solidity of a relationship with their parent to talk openly and comfortably about sex.

In fact, let's imagine she's a teenager who has only really found out about sex from discussions with peers, a couple of reads through "Cosmopolitan" and a secretive visit to a porn site that she could only bear to watch for the briefest of moments for fear of her internet history being tracked by her mother (who finds such sites abhorrent and abusive). Let's also assume she's had an average sex and relationships education, or let's be even more realistic and assume that she's had the sort of sex and relationships education that most kids in this country have had - the highlight of which was learning how to condom a courgette.

Let’s also assume that like many teenager over the age of consent, she has natural sexual desires.

The urge to have sex is instinctive. Desire can also instinctive to some extent but it is more to do with intuition – a feeling and a recognition and understanding of what makes you tick. Put the natural urge to fuck, together with the reasoned and rational need to respond to the mind’s desire, and that’s a force to be reckoned with. If you add to this unnatural restraints placed upon young people by parents who are understandably trying to protect them from having penetrative sex, then you are potentially forcing them into unsafe situations.

We have to acknowledge that young people have these urges and that they are so strong that they could lead a young person to defy their parents. If they can’t have sex with their parent’s permission, then that doesn’t mean that they’re not going to have sex. It just means that they might do it in a fit of passion, or with coercion, without the calm and careful use of contraception, in environments that might not be conducive to the real world of sexual wonderment. Without a proper sex and relationships education that realistically explains the joy of sex, and offers real and viable alternatives to penetrative sex, they’re going to rush into a fuck without the delightful exploration of their own sexuality and their own preferences beforehand.

I really don’t want that for my daughter. I don’t want it for anyone’s daughter or anyone’s son. I want them to experience the truly rewarding and life-enhancing brilliance of sexual empowerment and enlightenment. I want them to delay having penetrative sex for as long as possible. I want them to know their own bodies first.  I want them to explore one another’s body before penetrative sex too. I want them to be very clear in their minds that they have thought of all the connotations of having sex before they fall into an instinctive reaction to attraction.

That’s why I want my daughter to sleep with her boyfriend. I don’t want her first experience of sex to be a quick bang whilst I pop out to the shops with her siblings. I don’t want her first experience of penetrative sex to be in a field in the middle of nowhere just because this is the only place that they can get some privacy (though I do want her to experience this urgent sex eventually because al fresco is gorgeously stimulating in the right conditions). I don’t want my daughter to rush into penetrative sex without having experienced mutual masturbation or kissing in those special places that we seem unable to acknowledge in sex and relationships lessons, and I don’t want her to think that she has to have sex in exactly the same way that she might have seen on porn sites.

I honestly think that allowing her to sleep with her partner prevents unsafe situations for sex and unsafe, unprotected sex. It also has the added advantage of, when the time is right, enabling her first penetrative sexual experience to be something that she can treasure for a life time, with a proper build-up and a full understanding of one another’s bodies.

I would like all sex and relationships education teachers to really consider the whole notion of being sex positive. Young people probably laugh in their faces when teachers stick to a curriculum of factual information, denying the joy of sex and advocating a “just say no” policy of abstinence. Young people aren’t that stupid. They know that sex is good because if it wasn’t then why is our society so full of the stuff? Why are comedians seemingly obsessed with sexual stories? Why are advertisers all too willing to use sex to sell their goods? Why are newspapers and other media outlets smothered with stories about sex?

It’s an integral part of life and the sooner we all accept this, the better for ourselves and our youngsters. We need to be honest with our young people and we owe them the opportunity to experience sex in the best way possible.

For my children, I don’t want them to have the sexual start that I did. I want them to have a healthy respect for sex, and a healthy respect for the sexuality of their chosen partners as well as a full understanding of their own sexuality. I want adults to stop being so bloody hypocritical, and remember what they were doing at the same age before they start lecturing their children about sex. I want parents to remember their own experiences of early sex, and if they were good experiences, accept that their children are ready for it too and make sure that they are given the best start in their sexual lives, and if it was bad, then do everything you can to prevent that from happening to your most cherished beings.

Finally, apologies for writing so much but as you can see, I’m quite passionate about the subject. 

A New Beginning

It's been just over a year now since I woke up in bed with a lover with the delightful and life-affirming joy of wanting to make love to one another. It's been over six months since I had sex, of any description.

Anyone who has read my blog will know that I am completely committed to ensuring that women have a full understanding of their sexuality in order that they can fully enjoy life. Whilst it pains me enormously to be without sexual pleasure myself that does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for bringing the full force of glorious sexuality to others.

My sexuality and my enjoyment of sexuality is in the intimacy I have with a lover. It's not and never was just about sex and physical desire. Anybody who knows me intimately knows that to be true. I don't lust after any particular person. I do "lust" after intimacy with a person - though lust is definitely the wrong word.

But that's just about me. I understand and appreciate fully other women who just like sex. It works for them on a purely physical level, and that is absolutely fine too.

Sex is a vital component of life, and coming from one who has experienced an extremely asexual life as well as years of being overtly sexual, I think I know what I am talking about.

Today is the start of a new month, a new season and brings forth the potential for new life.

I am not giving up on my sexuality and I am certainly not giving up on raising the awareness of female sexuality for others. I love sex and I want others to love sex too. I've had a horrible and, in my opinion, humiliating experience. Not being desirable to someone is one thing. Not being told is something completely different. It's humiliating, and that humiliation is the very greatest of turn-offs. This isn't about blame. It's an opinion, and I want this to be absolutely clear, I am not apportioning blame to myself or to others. Relationships are complicated. That's life. Honesty in complicated. That's life too. Sex can complicate. That also is part of life's richness, be it positive or the opposite.

Today, I want to reignite the very dormant state of Zenpuss. She has lived in a shadow of uncertainty and lack of fulfilment for too long. As much as she misses sex, she misses talking about sex too, and she misses her own voice in hopefully helping others to embrace the wonderment of their sexuality.

To this end, I shall begin to write once more, and hopefully, one day, I will have a note from someone somewhere who says that my thoughts and ideas have awakened or reawakened their sexuality.