I am not really sure where to start with this article that appeared in the Guardian last week because it is, in essence, confusing with no definable argument or even comment. However, it does raise a number of issues that have been considered and developed by contributors to Comment is Free.
This in itself is heartening.
There are hundreds of comments which certainly give the impression that people are actually concerned about this subject. Yet, even within the comments, there are masses of contradictions, confusions and misconceptions about erotica, about pornography, about what is ‘available’ for women, about sexuality, about feminism, about male versus female sexuality etcetera, ad infinitum.
So to start, I am going to put some comments in to each paragraph to try and illustrate some of the thoughts that I have.
Off we go!
When Kathy Lette first began to approach some of this country's most seasoned women writers to contribute to the collection of short erotic stories she was editing, she was surprised by how many of them promptly exercised their right to say no. This despite the fact that she was guaranteeing their anonymity: all authors in the recently published In Bed With ... have adopted noms de porn - the name of their first pet put with that of their first street.
Just because you are a female writer does not necessarily mean that you are capable of erotic or pornographic writing. Surely, there has to be something in the experience and understanding of your own body, your own thoughts and your own sexuality to be able to write effective, exciting and stimulating sexual stuff.Having said this, the notion that women flatly refused to do this, despite anonymity, is not really a surprise. This negative response epitomizes a societal concern about being ‘found out’, i.e. that these women are concerned that writing about sex would give others a different impression of them, that they fear being found out both as the writer and as someone who is sexual. They may also be responding negatively because they themselves still see ‘erotica’ as something that is sleazy, taboo and not a place for serious writers. This fills me with a certain amount of anxiety and sadness; that established women writers cannot see the positive and enlightened role that erotic writing written by sexual women has a place in our society. On the other hand, it fills me with excitement that there is a voice for Zenpuss out there, indicating that there are a whole range of women who need liberating from the sexual constraints of misinterpretation, misunderstanding and ignorance.
Lette is happy to admit that there's a fair measure of mischief-making underpinning her project, and easily moistened - mostly male - gossip columnists are already intent on unmasking Marmalade Bates as Fay Weldon ... or is it Esther Freud? But nor is this slinky volume without its politics. As Lette notes, it's a weary truism that it remains taboo for women to talk publicly about what turns them on. Another of the contributors, Joan Smith, says she has been fielding scandalised callers demanding to know why a feminist such as herself would even countenance writing erotica. For all the jocular gloss, the media's imperative to identify Lette's writers carries an unpleasant undercurrent of the scarlet letter. And it reminds me too much of the mean-spirited outing a few years ago of the formidable Zoe Margolis, whose sex blog Girl With A One-Track Mind was not only very hot, but chockfull of feminism.
There is a point here which is worth a comment. I would love to live in a society where Zenpuss could ‘come out’ and admit to being the person that she is. But I can’t. It would be such a difficult issue for so many people to contend with. There would be experiences that would have to be explained and thoughts and feelings that do not reflect what some perceive to be the realities of my life. The simple fact is that Zenpuss is known to only one other, and as much as I would like that to be different, it has to remain so. In saying that, I find myself concerned that I am exacerbating and perpetuating the very thing that I am trying to eradicate; that women should feel sexually liberated and should be able to be honest, open and realistic about their sexuality, their desires, their fantasies. In reality, for all my talk, I am conforming to the straightjacket that is offered to me by society. Shame on me!Lette says that it is still a taboo for women to talk about what turns them on. Contributors on CIF counter argue this on many levels. Some argue that with the sexualisation of society, this is a time when women are perfectly able and free to express themselves sexually. Some argue that because there is an Ann Summers shop in most High Streets, then this is in itself a symbol that women’s sexual liberation has been reached. Some say that magazines like Cosmo have been doing this for decades. Of course, women are able and free to talk about sex, to read about it and to pleasure themselves in erotic images and literature. And to some extent, all of this is true. But I would have to argue, have they actually done the job they purport to do? How many women go into Ann Summers with their heads held high, unashamed of who they might meet as they walk out the door, that is assuming that they even enter into the shop in the first place? How many women have read Cosmo and felt that they had in any way reshaped their own sexuality or have actually learned anything about their body and the way that they can enjoy sexuality?
Ultimately, the argument thickens. If we are so liberated sexually, how come I cannot find a single magazine either in WH Smiths or even in the aforementioned Ann Summers where I can get an eyeful of cock on every page, fucking decent looking women that make me feel desperate for a good shag? How come people still do not understand how women can have ejaculatory cums from vaginal as well as clitoral stimulation? How come I do not know how many of my friends experience wet cums, because, even though we may talk about sex toys and sexual positions that we enjoy, there are still some subjects that remain untouchable, unless you wish to be seen as some sort of freak? How come I cannot ‘come out’ as a woman who enjoys talking about sex, having sex, fantasising about sex? How come I cannot own up to not only masturbating with toys but regularly enjoy feeling the softness of my pubes as I reach inside myself to see how my body is reacting to the stimulus of a touch or a photograph or merely a memory of something that I have recently enjoyed? How come women don’t even know that the insides of their bodies become erect just like a cock when they are aroused? How come women have no understanding or appreciation of the difference between having a pee and having a fucking good, juicy orgasm? The list is almost hopelessly endless.Kathy is right. We are not sexually liberated or even sexually literate but this is not to assume that this is just a gender issue. There are plenty of men who suffer from sexual illiteracy or liberation too. The only difference is that generally, there is more known about male sexuality than female sexuality, and still we have ignoramuses who simply do not understand the joys and wonderment of fabulous sex.
One woman writing about sex who does not require any further exposure is Charlotte Roche, a German TV presenter whose first novel, Wetlands, became a literary sensation when it was published last year. Now translated, and available in Britain next month, Roche's heroine Helen is joyfully promiscuous while showing complete disregard for the traditional demands of feminine hygiene. She is childishly fascinated by the smell and taste of her own body, particularly her vagina, rebelling against the received wisdom of how women should be kempt Down There.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! What precisely is immature about the smell and taste of one’s own body? It is not immature. Rather, it is refined, mature and stimulating to have an understanding and appreciation of one’s own body. The other day, as I stuck my fingers down my trousers and into my cunt, as I then withdrew them and placed them under the nose of my lover, I was not thinking that this was an immature action. I was fully, maturely intending to turn him on, to excite him and to lead him into wanting more. As I sucked them clean, I could taste what he tastes when he thrusts his tongue deep inside me, and I appreciate even more how much he enjoys my sexuality. What on earth is childish about that?
Wetlands has divided critics in Germany - is this a grand feminist manifesto, or self-regarding obscenity? After reading it myself last week, I'd offer that, while a whole lot more explicit than In Bed With ... , it shares a very similar ethos, not least because it subverts the usual conventions of pornography by portraying a female, and indeed male, sexual protagonist who is less than perfectly plucked and permanently aroused. (The couplings in the Lette collection include elderly liaisons as well as the requisite strapping gardener and bored housewife.)This is a very bizarre statement and I am not actually sure that I understand it. I think what Libby is trying to say is that Wetlands, like Lette’s work is trying to overcome the ‘presumed’ conventions of porn; that women can enjoy porn, that they can be as sexual as a man and that they can be aroused. I have to admit that whilst I can be aroused for an exceedingly long time that appeases my sometimes long journey home from my lover’s house, I am not sure that I would actually want to be ‘permanently’ aroused. How would I thoroughly enjoy that satori moment if it was constant? It would not be a ‘moment’ any longer and would totally negate the divinity of that essential and beloved experience that I simply adore.Just on another issue, I am not perfectly plucked, nor do I want to be, though I think I would be very aroused by someone having a go at shaving me. I think a greater female sexual liberation will bring about a strong return of the bush! And as for Lette including elderly liaisons – well, I’d go along with that as a positive move forward. I am seriously hoping that sexuality doesn’t stop at sixty or seventy or actually at any point in life thank you very much.
There is reason to be cheerful about this flurry of mid-winter temperature-raising. Perhaps I've been looking in all the wrong places, but it has struck me lately that public debate about good sex has stalled. Some three years ago now, the American writer Ariel Levy identified a prevailing "raunch culture", which puts forward pole-dancing lessons and no-strings liaisons as evidence of liberation when in reality women are constrained as ever, but this time fearful of being branded prudish instead of promiscuous.
Now this is a very serious point. The reason that the public debate has stalled, in my opinion, is that it hasn’t even started. Just like our education system, it is stuck on the knowledge based spectrum of intellect. It has not considered the physical and metaphysical joys of sex, it has not considered the true emotional and social implications of positive sex. It has not explored the very essence of what makes sex something that is not merely a pleasurable pastime but an integral and vital part of people’s wholesome (deliberately used word) wellbeing; an instinct, an absolute part of being human. All those people who think we are there, end of, that the market is complete and sexual myths, misunderstandings and misgivings are a thing of the past are indeed living in cloud cuckoo land. The other day I was in a meeting where we were discussing the potential of teaching oral sex as a means of preventing conception. Admittedly this was a half debate, and was in no means addressing the situation, but a group of relatively intelligent (!!!) people were stunned into an embarrassed silence, only broken by the speaker stating that it was a messy business this oral sex stuff, unaware of the implications of what she was saying. The ‘childish’ sniggers that ensued epitomized the real state of play as far as societal interpretation of all things sexual. We are embarrassed, even disgusted, we regress into fumbling and stumbling fools at the mere mention of the ‘S’ word, and cannot use phrases such as finger fucking, tonguing. Even the crucial and correct terminology of fellatio and cunnilingus is a taboo in such an environment, and here is a situation with a room full of people supposedly ready to ‘educate’ our future generation. By laughing, by hiding, by wishing the conversation would stop, by embarassingly realising that the pregnant woman in the room must have HAD SEX? This, dear reader, is the reality of where we actually are. I see sexual enlightenment amongst such folk as a very long way down the path.
No, the simple fact is it hasn’t stalled. It simply hasn’t started the engine. And like a similar analogy that I read recently, it needs cogs and wheels and oil and mechanisms of all sorts to get the thing on the road.
Women and men were becoming increasingly vocal about their anger at the way sexuality - still mainly female - had been co-opted by commerce, with the values of the market turning the act itself into a competitive sport. For a moment, it felt as though - in addition to critiquing the pornification of society - it might be possible to open up a public space to investigate how this was affecting personal sexual development. But I sense this didn't quite happen - despite the blogosphere offering individuals like Margolis ample opportunity to explore their own erotic journeys.
Of course women and men were becoming and are still vocal about their concerns about the sexually unliberated, and yes, there was and is still a movement towards changing societal view about pornography and sexual development. But again, like the education debate, change is not going to occur overnight, especially if people do not embrace the whole idea that this is not just a physical liberation. Sexual liberation requires opening of minds, delving into history and really questioning a million things about the way that our society has formed its views and practices. It is not as simple as being more extrovert, or allowing women to hold onto a pole and rub herself in front of invited, paying guests. My sexual enlightenment, my wish for women to understand about their own sexuality has nothing to do with burlesque evenings or topless barmaids other than the fact that these are a mere example of some things that could be sexually appealing for some people.
We are missing a vital point here. Sexualisation is not sexuality, and even if there has been some welcomed movement in this area, I still can’t get my cock mag from the newsagent, not because it isn’t stocked in the shop but because it doesn’t exist as nobody has realised that there is a market out there….. because ultimately, no-one has admitted that this is something that they want, and why haven’t they admitted it? Because they don’t know they want it, because they have never sat and questioned and wondered and thought about their own sexuality.
Sexual ignorance is far from bliss, yet we still don't know, for example, precisely how a woman reaches orgasm. While it's generally assumed that men have higher libidos, recent research from Canada found that women are physiologically aroused by a much wider range of stimuli than males. And, while the porn movie industry has entirely mainstreamed anal penetration, I don't see the PSHE curriculum teaching our young people how to make the act safer and more comfortable by using condoms and lube any time soon.
Well, this sentence simply doesn’t make sense. What has the fact that sexual ignorance is far from bliss got to do with the fact that we don’t know how a woman reaches orgasm? Of course sexual ignorance is far from bliss. It is more than that. It is criminal and it is not allowing people to have the fulfillment in life that is their birthright. And one could argue that an example of sexual ignorance is around the negligent misinterpretation of the female orgasm. This sentence would probably make more sense if she had used the word ‘and’ rather than ‘yet’.It is ignorant that people do not know all there is to know about the female orgasm but yet again being pedantic, surely people know ‘how’ a woman reaches orgasm even if they are not particularly clear about the precise workings of the female body. I think my lover and I proved today that we knew exactly how a woman reaches orgasm. It is a very simple fact that you have your cunt stimulated, a spot or a variety of spots are touched and stroked and pushed and aroused, and then a flood of gorgeous juices are emitted. And as I got home, still in a state of arousal, I knew where to place my sex toy on my clitoris to get a different type of orgasm that was albeit not as exciting as the one a few hours previously, but still made me feel bloody good. Many people know how a woman reaches orgasm but I reckon that far fewer have experienced it on a more or less constant basis. And sadly, there are still people who do not know or believe in a vaginal orgasm, who do not know or believe that a woman can emit any other gush than pee from their cunt. And why is this so, because we still haven’t got to a stage where people know, understand and appreciate the joys of female sexuality.
It has been suggested that there is a possibility that people are deliberately withholding information about female orgasms for fear that this will alienate and upset those women who have not yet achieved it. Nobody wants to make women feel inferior in their sexuality. Nobody wants them to think that they are doing something wrong. But in many ways, that is precisely what they are doing. The ‘wrongness’ is accepting that a form of sexuality that is incomplete, and it is wrong of those of us who have experienced this to somehow pretend that it is not happening. Maybe the great gushes that I am talking about are unlikely to happen to all. Maybe, as it was for me, this rarely happens during what some might deem to be early days of sexual promiscuity, of sexual infancy. Maybe women do have to wait until they have reached a certain maturity to achieve this, though I know from the porn sites that I have visited, this is not the case. The point is that everyone should realise there is potential and should enjoy exploring how to get there. Surely this is part and parcel of being on a road to Enlightenment. It wouldn’t be very enlightening if we reached the destination before we had turned the car engine on!
No, it is up to women like me to explain the realities that go way beyond the alleged educative spots in magazines like Cosmo. These discussions are things that should be in the mainstream, if you excuse the pun, and I cannot see anywhere where this is truly discussed openly and honestly.
And another myth arises. Okay, so it is possible that generally men may have higher libidos but surely a statistical reality is of no benefit to the individual. If the general man has more sexual thoughts than me, if he wanks more frequently than me, then good on him but I am finally beginning to realise that there is a strong possibility that I could give most men a run for their money on the amount of times I have horny or sexual thoughts or actions a day, and even if this is not the case, does it matter? As long as each individual realises that it is okay to be stimulated, it is acceptable and normal to have a high libido, then it really is irrelevent whether men are more libidinous or women can arouse themselves with a higher range of stimuli. The fact is that all human beings have the potential to have high libidos whether they are men, women, gay, straight, black, white, under forty, over forty. It is a very individual thing and should be so. Sex is not a place for comparison or generalisations. It is about being you in a moment that belongs to you that can be shared with a person that has their own moment, their own be-ing.
Has the porn ‘mainstreamed’ (yikes) anal sex? Okay, it shows anal sex but I doubt whether this is a mainstream activity for most men and women. And yes, the PSHE curriculum is not in any fit state to be as liberated as starting a discussion on anal sex, but it should because otherwise we are going to perpetuate all the inhibitions and misconceptions about sex that we have carried over the generations onto the next generation of sexual beings. Incidentally, I am very keen on exploring this aspect of my own sexuality. I at least want to talk about it because this is precisely what we are not doing with our young people. We are not delving into their natural inquisitiveness. We are not giving them the opportunities to discuss these types of things. I am not advocating going out and delivering a lesson in a bland and stark way “Today we are going to talk about anal sex. If a woman wants a different and exciting challenge she can take it up the bum….. etc”. I am just saying that we need to open the doors to enable young people to discuss and prepare and consider and realise the potential of good sex encompasses many aspects that many generations have considered taboo. Do we really want another generation of, generically speaking, five minutes mission positioners? I don’t think so!
If this debate is still to take place, then re-writing porn is a pretty good place to start. As Smith summed up in a recent column about her contribution to In Bed With ... : "The problem isn't sex, but the fact that the industry that's grown up around it is sadistic, humiliating and exploitative. And the vast bulk of its consumers are men."Yes, rewriting porn and erotica is a place to start but it cannot be done in isolation. It is far, far more complex that a few sensationalist novels. It is not about gratuitous or dirty sexuality. It is about ensuring that the erotic and porn sites are looking at a deeper and more fulfilled understanding of sex. The other day, I was saying precisely this. I would love to see a dvd of two people having sex in exactly the way I do with my lover. This would really, really get me off. I want to see people kissing and holding one another, nibbling on ears and necks and nipples. I want to see people sensually undress and explore one another’s body. I want to see the darkening of their pupils as they stare longingly at the cunt or cock that they know are going to be touched and fucked within a matter of moments. I want to see the look on people’s faces as they are finger fucked. I want to see the gushes of cum that come from the stimulated woman. I want to see a couple banging away on the bathroom floor as much as I want to see them lovingly lying in bed, cuddled together in a warm and meaningful embrace. And I want to see what it like for them after they have had this sort of utterly complete sexual experience. It is erotic. Some would argue it would be porn, but this sort of thing is far more than merely starting the debate by writing highly commercialised or marketed books. It is drop in the ocean of what needs to be done.
It is too late in the day to go onto the pornographic industry and the presumed misogyny involved. Needless to say, I think this entire industry is there for the taking whether it be by men or women but I certainly feel that women writers, actresses, performers have a lot more to give here, and enlightened feminists have an extremely important role to play.
There is a danger here that the debate becomes zero-sum. This is not about replacing one stereotyped version of human sexuality (ie male, homogenised, fuck-centric, bad) with another (ie female, politically correct, cuddle-centric, boring) - were that even a realistic proposition. But it is about expanding the erotic menu for the benefit of both sexes.
Duh! You don’t say. Of course it is about expanding the erotic menu for both sexes. How many times does it have to be said? The enjoyment, understanding, appreciation of female sexuality is totally about men, well for those of us who are ardent cock lovers. My appreciation of my sexuality is dependent upon the sexuality of men, and this is something that others should know and appreciate. It is not about sisters doing it for themselves, though this too needs exploring further. It is about men knowing what women are capable of in sex, of women understanding and enjoying their bodies, of people working together. It is ultimately not about men or women. As I said earlier, it is about the absolute fundamentalism of being human, and sexuality is not an option, It is an essential part of this. It is a no brainer to consider there being another option.
And finally……
Here are a few comments from CIF.
Diamond Dave says “Men and women are finding a domain in places like Second Life where they can express themselves in a safe environment for the enjoyment and fulfillment of all. Women are right at the forefront of this new experience and are leaving the old constraints of feminism far behind. Perhaps a new chapter of liberation is unfolding, liberation from feminist groupthink about what is acceptable in female sexuality.
Zenpuss says: Must try and google that website. Yes I hope a new chapter is unfolding, and I together with my collaborator are ready to spread the word.
Dirkgently
Fantastic, I like works of erotica, as lets face it literature purports to deal with life and sex is a part of adult life that is paradoxically very public (portrayals in TV/Film) and yet private, public discussions about masturbation are frowned upon and it is perceived as being dirty, yet if we want to discover what sleeping with another person of the same sex is like, it is perceived as being healthy and natural.
The problem with porn is that it is designed to be visually stimulating, but it leaves other senses that are part of human sensuality and sexuality isolated and ignored, particularly touch and taste.
Erotica should be welcomed. Let’s face it most blokes would love to gain insight into female sexuality and learn how to be better lovers for their potential partners. Please let’s have more insights into sexuality from the silent, beautiful (i.e. female) majority!
Zenpuss says: Of course porn does not deal with the joys of sexual touch and taste, though they can be part of looking at porn, especially if you are enjoying porn together with your partner. But sexuality is about embracing all, and looking at porn is merely one way to be sexually stimulated and excited. However, I felt a good point was made about the contradictions outlined above. Sex is full of contradictions and there is no place for these. As for the last paragraph, well, this says it all. Blokes such as this one are ready to be enlightened. They embrace it and they want to hear it from women.
Sealion
I've always found that talking to her helps, but maybe thats just me. Everyone gets their rocks off in a different way, and for every man who has learned sex from a porn film there is a woman who has learned sex from Cosmo. Every time we get into bed with someone armed with our preconceptions we fail, because we assume we know what works and we get so caught up in that magic technique ('seven things that will drive him wild in bed!') that we stop paying attention to how the person we're laying on top of actually feels.
Zenpuss says: Here is some glimmer of hope – someone who understands that it is not just about a single, physical act. Sex is about talking and reading, about understanding and interpreting, and whilst Cosmo or a porn film may help, it hardly covers the starting point. Maybe we should be far more preoccupied with the person we are making love to, thinking about their needs, their joys, their feelings and thoughts whilst simultaneously ensuring our own needs, desires and passions are stimulated an fulfilled. Sex, when there are two people together, is totally about understanding, enjoying, loving, feeling, desiring and wanting one another to get the very best out of a very wonderful experience.
Another contributor
Women can also have much better orgasms but the fact remains that the hunger, its much stronger in the male species. Sex isn't just about the pleasure at the time, its also about the release of the pressure that build when not having sex. That is why we have so much visual sex aimed at men, because they are "in the mood" basically constantly.
Zenpuss says: I beg to contradict! Is this plonker saying that we’ll appease the little women by sorting out their orgasms as long as they realise that sexual hunger remains the domain of men? Has he not considered that horny women get a similar pressure when they want sex? Obviously this man thinks that women piss urine when they are excited!
The writer continues
But you have an industry catering to women’s sexuality, there are thousands of books on erotic literature, you can't expect famous writers to write it anymore than you can expect Steven Spielberg to direct a porno. Women don't have porn movies because they haven't created the demand for porn movies. With Ann Summers in every street, and women magazines all screaming sex tips or brighten up your love life, it’s ridiculous to claim it’s ignored. The fact is that it’s just not like men’s, something feminists with their idealistic politicizing of sex fail to grasp.
Zenpuss says: Yes, there’s stuff to read but it ain’t hitting the button. It is, as I have said above, paying a lip service to female sexuality. The depth is not there and this is what we have to create. Then the demand for porn written and produced with women in mind might be more prevalent. Having said that, good porn for me would be embracing the sexual enjoyment of humans irrespective of their gender.
Loveable Lefty
The one thing that strikes me about most "erotic" writing I have read is just how cold, loveless, dull and ultimately unerotic it is. For me descriptions of sex between two people who are deeply in love are far more arousing. To get to grips with someone’s whole mind, their being, their hopes and desires, that's far more of a turn on.Even without the complications of children, playing with sex is playing with fire, and treating sex as the equivalent as "fast food" is as bad for our emotions as a constant diet of burgers is for your heart and waistline.
Zenpuss says: Aahh! Trust a gay bloke to be there in terms of emotional intelligence – not that I am in to gross generalisations! Joking aside, this is a good point whoever says it and shows a level of enlightenment that is welcoming to see.
And really finally from the aptly named Guardian Goon.
I'd like to add to what JayReilly is saying that a sex act does not have to be enjoyable for both partners for it to be something you want to do, you should feel how an mans arm feels after he's frigged his woman to satisfaction, talk about an ache! Then there's the aforementioned cunnilingus... Both sexes can do things in sex that aren't satisfying in terms of stimulation and enjoy it, because you love your partner and know they find it great, no sex is equally satisfying, it's give a little, take a little, and it doesn't surprise me that self styled feminists who view any act that isn't mutually satisfying as oppression get labeled as sex negative, their views don't reflect the nature of sex itself. This doesn't apply exclusively to porn.
Zenpuss says: Eh! Sex doesn’t have to be enjoyable for both partners? Dodgy arms? Enjoy without being satisfying? Of course good sex is about equal access to stimulation and enjoyment! Surely that is an essential part of it. I adore sex with my lover because I adore the fact that he is clearly loving it too, and that ultimately stimulates me, which is simultaneously reciprocated by him, and so it goes on….. and that is precisely what enables both of us to reach a state of Satori.
And on that note, I bid a goodnight.
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