Shadow of the Sexual

It’s all over the news again – that sex thing.

I wonder why.

People bang on about the fact that there is too much sex on television, too many sexual commentaries on news items and too much availability on the internet to children and young people.
Whilst doing this they avoid the truth of the fact that sex is a fascinating and integral part of life which is the very reason that it is so prominent in the news. Whilst doing this, they avoid the truth that the reason it is in the news is because people are interested in it. Whilst doing this, they avoid the truth that they actually want to be able to understand and participate in sexual activities even if they are not ready to admit it.

We are human beings and the last time I looked in a biology text book, this makes us animals with all the instinctual behaviour of animals, which includes sex.

What differentiates us from other animals is that we have additional skills, attitudes and abilities to make sex far more than a mere act of procreation. We have the capacity to enjoy it, revel in it, engage in the sensuality of it and appreciate sex for all the brilliance that it is.

This week, sex has been prominent in the news and I could write an individual blog on each of these subjects, and in time probably shall.

We have had a report on sex education commissioned by Brook with a conclusion that children and young people want better sex education lessons with one in five stating that the lessons that they did receive were poor or despicable.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/10/how-good-is-sex-education

There is the fact that the government wants a clamp down on the availability of porn for young people with internet providers offering a viable means of blocking sites whilst children are surfing the big wide open world of the internet.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-15252128

The news on the weekend was filled with reports about Amanda Knox; the young woman accused of murdering her flat mate in Italy, only to be released from prison this week as there was insubstantial evidence to convict her. It was suggested that this was a case of sexual exploration gone horribly wrong and there was also the implication that this woman was slightly deranged because of her overt sexuality. More on this later.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/oct/09/carole-cadwalladr-amanda-knox-kercher?newsfeed=true (excellent article)

And today on the BBC news, there is further news that the corporation have forced the organisers of Erotica Exhibition 2011 to change their “Strictly Come Dancing” theme as it is distasteful and could give the Beeb a bad name.

http://www.metro.co.uk/tv/876899-bbc-threatens-to-sue-over-strictly-come-dancing-themed-erotica-show

Oh dear, oh dear. And these are only the headline articles. There are plenty more and I suspect there will be more again tomorrow. Why? Because we are actually interested in the subject but please don’t tell anyone in case the admittance puts you in the realm of total weirdo who ought to be locked up for their outrageous views.

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In the sphere of education, we continually ignore the wishes of our children and young people, who evidently have a far better understanding of their needs than adults do. This is definitely the case as far as sex education is concerned. The recent report commissioned by Brook tells an all too familiar story where the needs of children and young people are practically disregarded by the people who are ‘in charge’ of developing a curriculum for them.

They do not want biological or factual information alone. They have the internet for that, and their friends and all the other means at their disposal which has always been the case. I suspect that the majority of pupils who come into ‘THE’ lesson about sex for the first time, already know how to have sex. They probably also know how to protect themselves from unsafe sex. They probably also have a relatively decent understanding of how to behave appropriately to people that they are attracted to. But what they do not necessarily have is the knowledge and the skills to work at all kinds of relationships and friendships. What they definitely will not have, and will not receive in school, is a feeling of sexual empowerment, of an understanding of how great sex can be, of the delights of knowing one’s own body and of knowing and understanding all of this in relation to their age and maturity.

We do not do sex well. We do not discuss it sensibly as adults let alone as children. Surely it is time for us to listen to the younger generation and break the unhealthy mould of shying away from this most vital of subjects.

No sooner had this been reported that there was information about how the government intends to make parental computer blocks easier and more readily available. The key internet providers have come together to back a call for greater security on the internet to prevent young people getting access to the masses of pornography sites that are available at the click of a button.

This all sounds relatively reasonable. I do not think I would want my eight year old to be scavenging around the internet looking at cock and cunts enjoying all sorts of adult loveliness. However, and I know this may be controversial, I would not have a problem with my fourteen year old having a look as part of his exploration into his sexuality. Why do I feel like this? Well because sex is obviously something that you share with other people but it is also an integral part of your being. At this rate, we are never going to be liberated enough to discuss sex and relationships appropriately in a school setting, so where are they going to learn who they are, what turns them on, what their particular passion is?

Where are young women going to learn what their pussies look like if we shy away from the fact that they are entitled to know what is going on down there? Where are young men going to learn what excites them? Learning about your own sexual desires is really important. I spent years shying away from what turned me on. I can only imagine how different my life might have been if I had discovered my sexual preferences for myself, on my own at a much earlier age. Had I been given the sort of opportunities that are available to young people now.

At the tender age of fourteen, it wasn’t that I was not interested. I just had no means of accessing the sort of information, images and excitement that young people do now. If only, if only I had known then........

I am not condoning a complete open book as far as pornography is concerned. I am not suggesting that children should be anywhere near these websites but I am suggesting that we have to accept that pornography is here. It is available. It is in their lives and I am not convinced that prohibition on any subject has ever worked. What we do by putting blocks on teenagers looking at such sites is perpetuate the myth that sex is dirty, that women who enjoy sex are sluts, that horniness is something that should be suppressed.

If we could just get over the instinctual response to sex and accept the fact that we are sexual beings, then we might be able to free our minds to pay more attention to how we function effectively and lovingly within all our relationships which would hopefully ensure a greater contentedness within the individual and ultimately within society.

So that brings us onto Amanda Knox.

I cannot make this case out. I cannot decide whether it is a massive case of injustice or whether there is more to the innuendos of involvement of these two young people who were acquitted of involvement into Meredith Kercher’s murder, and I am not here to make such a comment. I don’t know whether they were guilty or not.

What I do have concerns about is that Knox has been painted as a She-Devil because she was overt about her sexuality. She enjoyed sex but this does not make her a sadistic woman who is interested in sexually erotic behaviour bordering on destruction and murder. She liked sex. She made no attempt to hide the fact that she was a sexual being. She owned a rabbit – not the furry one, but the one that rogers you excitedly when desired with the aid of a couple of batteries. She bought condoms – sensible girl – so that she was safe from unwanted diseases and protected from the problems of bare-back riding in a sexually active group of people. She kissed her boyfriend and hugged him when she discovered the fatal nightmare that had happened in her flat because she implicitly understood the importance of human touch.

Does all of this make her a murderer?

There is a possibility that these people were involved in some sort of kinky stuff, and not because they had had decades of access to internet porn, I hasten to add. They may well have enjoyed multiple partners or shared sexual experiences that went beyond coupledom.

So what? Does that too really make either Knox or her boyfriend capable of murder?

I love sex. I love looking at horny people having sex. This does not make me a bad person. It might make me a little desperate for a shag from time to time, but that in itself does not mean that I am going to pounce on the nearest person and seduce them into giving me one. Sex is actually far more important to me than that. I can and do restrain myself from imposing my sexuality on others, within reason.

The article from the newspaper (link above) reiterates this point, and does so brilliantly. It is not often that you get a newspaper article that you agree with almost entirely but this is one. It really does concern me that young women who seem to have understood sex, who appear to be sexually enlightened are suddenly made out to be a whore. I wish to goodness I had found my sexuality at Amanda Knox’s age too. Not only did I not discover who I was as a teenager, I am not sure that I did when I was Knox’s age either.

But getting back to the first story, how are young people ever going to work out their sexuality if they do not have access to quality relationship education and if there are prohibitions imposed from people who just do not understand or are unwilling to appreciate the importance of sex and relationships in our lives?

The final link on this page relates to the Erotica Exhibition 2011, to be held in London from the 18^th – 20^th November. Get it in the diary. Got to go!

The BBC has objected to the sexualisation of Strictly Come Dancing?

Are they completely bonkers? Do they think we are completely bonkers? Is there nobody within the corporation who has considered that there are some people who watch the programme precisely because it is a legitimate way of seeing stunning men and women cavorting in extremely sexual costumes, revealing their beautifully toned legs and voluptuous boobs?

You cannot get away from the fact that Strictly Come Dancing has an element of sexuality within it. And they play on that, and not in a particularly unconscious way. It is explicit.

Personally, I do not get particularly turned on by the programme, but there have been times when I have enjoyed the sexuality of the programme. There are times when I have looked at some of the women dancing around and thought, “I wouldn’t mind running my hands around that one!”.

So if Erotica UK want to home in on the interest of the moment and convey a theme that has surely passed through the heads of some Come Dancing viewers, then what the hell is wrong with that?
I would really love the BBC to be honest enough to admit that there is a sexual element to the show and agree that Erotica UK can offer something more adult that an alleged family programme in the Saturday night entertainment slot cannot do. They should be honest enough to say, “Yes, I know there are people out there who like the sexuality of the show but this is something that we cannot explore too much in the programme. So if you want to tickle your taste buds and make your fantasy into a reality, then go along to the Erotica exhibition and experience what some of you are probably imagining every Saturday evening”.

Or words to that effect.

Once more, we have a classic example of shying away from sex, but what makes this worse is the hypocrisy. They use sex to sell their programme and then categorically deny its sexuality when someone has the wisdom to realise that it is implicit in the whole genre.

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Sex is here, and hopefully it is not going to go away but we have got to stop shying away from its importance in our lives.

It is important for young people on their journey. It is important to the people who have sex specifically to entertain others. It is important to all manner of people and it is important to our great institutions too.

The other day, a friend of mine was talking to me about another friend and her bizarre lies about where she has been and who she has been with.

“Perhaps she just has a high libido” said one of the friends in discussing this woman, and there was much giggling.

I wanted to scream, “So bloody what!”

It is absolutely clear to me that this woman has a high libido, and having recently come out of a long term relationship, she wants to make the most of something that has probably been suppressed for far too long. But what is really sad about this situation is that she cannot admit to it. She is mindful enough to know that in a provincial town where many people know when their next-door neighbour has picked their nose, she cannot explicitly announce that she is a sexual woman who enjoys a decent fuck.

So she has to involve herself in a complicated deceit, denying her sexual experiences, denying her sexual desires for the sake of shielding herself from further abuse.

All involved are shying away from sex.

As for me, I asked my beautiful lover the other day whether he minded me asking for sex. His response was that he was delighted that I still found him sexually exciting and of course there was no problem in asking for sex.

But there is.

Because I have been so conditioned by my lack of sex and relationship education, by a lifetime of not understanding my rights to be sexual being, by a society that chooses to derogatorily label a woman with a high libido, that I still feel uncomfortable about asking for sex.

I still feel slightly uncomfortable about stating the fact that I would like to have sex anywhere, anytime, any position, any kinky way I fancied.

I am so conditioned to thinking that actually a good little girl does not ask for sex because we should be a little demure about it all.

We all shy away from sex. We all shy away from the importance of sex. We shy away from the fact that children and young people are the sexual future and we are still making them shy away from sex in the way that many previous generations did.

I am not saying that I want to see people having sex all over the place. I just wish people were more honest about it. Until we get that sort of honesty, we are never going to come to terms with other important components of life regarding sexuality and relationships and living harmoniously.

Sex cannot be shied away from and my little venture into the main stories of the week hopefully demonstrate this.

I am a sexual woman, I want sex, I love sex, I love human touch, I love kissing, I love feeling the warmth and tenderness of another human being.

I do not want to shy away from my sexuality and I genuinely do not want others to shy away from theirs.

And if we, the sexually enlightened (or at least taking a foot along the journey) do not speak up we are going to get other generations following the wrong pathway too.