Is Monogamy dead?

Is Monogamy Dead? Says the title of this article which is well worth a read, as are the many comments below the line.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/nov/10/sex-is-monogamy-dead?commentpage=all#start-of-comments

In response to this question many contributors and commentators alike say “was monogamy ever alive?”

Meg Barker, a relationship counsellor and lectures says “ It is interesting that we readily accept someone loving more than one child, sibling or friend without their love for one of them diluting the love for others, but when it comes to romantic or sexual love most people cannot accept it happening more than once at a time."

Catherine Hakim, a sociologist who has been controversial before with her notion that women should use their sexuality as “erotic capital” says "The fact that we eat most meals at home with spouses and partners does not preclude eating out in restaurants to sample different cuisines and ambiences, with friends or colleagues.

Anyone rejecting a fresh approach to marriage and adultery, with a new set of rules to go with it, fails to recognise the benefits of a revitalised sex life outside the home."

So true on both accounts.

Diversity in all areas of life should be explored. The fact that those of us who are polyamorous cannot come out and admit to it for fear of a multitude of repercussions is a crime against humanity, seriously.

But nothing is as simple and straightforward as having a yes or a no response.

For those people who do live monogamously in life, it is neither dead nor disgusting. It is totally about choice, and we have to appreciate that it works for some people – in fact, according to this article at least 50% of the population. For those who live polyamorously, this too is neither right nor wrong, though these relationships do have to be managed carefully whether they are open (all partner’s knows other relationships) or not.

What is wrong, however, is this societal notion that a multiple-relationship lifestyle is wrong when evidently, half or more of western society indulge in extra-marital relationships or relationships outside the primary one.

Polyamory can work. For those who choose, for many reasons, to hide their polyamory from their partner, it can work. It’s difficult. It’s hard work but it can be maintained and managed to suit everyone’s needs, even the person who has allegedly been cheated on. They have the satisfaction of the status quo, even though their intuition might be telling them a few home truths about what is actually happening. Don’t rock the boat, they say, and we can maintain this illusion to keep the peace.

For those who admit to polyamory, it can also work but it needs a healthy dose of honesty in order to do so.

There are as many forms of polyamory as there are relationships, and from experience, and bitter experience at that, it can be extremely difficult when what you thought you had bought into, through lengthy discussions on the onset of an additional relationship joining in with your own, turns out to be something completely different.
Of course, when you are embarking on a new relationship with someone, you don’t know where it is going to go, you don’t know whether you can promise or imply long-term commitment to your partner as well as having a relationship with another human being, but you can at least try in the initial months and indeed year, to remember what you had “agreed” and try to ensure that your initial partner feels as loved and as important as he or she always has.

Or you can fuck up. And then your partner can fuck up. And so it goes on.

I am whole-heartedly committed to polyamory and yet there is one thing that nags at me all the time. I find it extremely difficult to understand how people can be equally “intimate” with two people at the same time, despite the quotes above from Barker and Hakim. Ultimately, I do think there is one person that you turn to, one person that you are closer to, one person that knows you better than anyone else, one person that you are completely open to and with.

And this is where I have fallen down.  As the initial or primary person in a relationship, I thought, naively, that this would be enough. I’d done the right thing by accepting a partner’s need for other relationships. Wasn’t that a gracious enough thing to do? Did I have to lose the intimacy too, largely due to my inability to accept the equity of intimacy, exacerbated by the refusal of my partner (or whatever) to tell me the extent of his (or her) involvement with others or his (or her) other partner’s need and desire for something different from their relationship?

Simple answer is that everything changes. We are where we are. We live in the moment with the feeling that are happening now, not what happened before and not what might happen in the future. Yet this is far too simple.

Of course life changes, relationships change and so forth but they don’t have to change to the point of not being. They don’t have to change to be something that is totally distinguishable with what was. But it takes effort in order to do this.

When you are so utterly close to someone, it’s difficult to accept that they could possibly be that intimate and close with another but you just have to accept the fact that they can, and it really doesn’t have to destroy a perfectly brilliant relationship. But you must be honest with one another, and if a relationship is worth maintaining, then you have to work at maintaining it.

Monogamy was never alive and it was never dead. Serial monogamy is not wrong, it is perfectly understandable. Polyamory with a primary partner and additional others is a perfectly acceptable form of relationship (and of course, my preferred option). Polyamory with total equity within two, three or more relationships is completely viable too, despite my inability to come to terms with it, largely based on writing and words spoken that implied that this would never happen – which I still believed for a very long time.

All forms of relationship are acceptable and should be accepted within society, on condition that they are not abusive. Anything can work as long as there is open communication if that is agreed or complete silence if that is what has been implicitly been decided.

I live and I learn. I know what I want and I do not want monogamy, not now, not ever, neither for me nor any partner I may have. I may like periods of time when there is only me, but I would never, ever insist on monogamy however much I love the intimacy of a relationship.

The simple fact is that anything goes, and we should accept that and appreciate it, but it can only work if people accept that anything goes and live accordingly, and I know that I have not been able to do that, to my great detriment. It can only work if a decision for openness is adhered to, or the decision for secrecy is subliminally agreed with that “no questions asked” attitude. What you can’t have is openness and then a closure of that openness which leaves a person despondent and feeling rather foolish and deluded.

Life is harsh sometimes, and I really hope that one day we will, and I will, finally get my head around relationships and all the multitude of possibilities that comes with them.

It’s hard and I am still learning, still thinking every single day of how my attitude, my beliefs can and will change. I am completely out of my comfort zone at present, and one day, in the future, I will find an equilibrium that suits me, when I finally decide what it is that makes me tick.

But be assured, it won’t ever be monogamy.

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A Footnote that have been considering all morning since writing this. The issue isn't about monogamy or polyamory. It is about respect; not just for the people in the relationship but the people who are alsoa ffected by the relationship. To say that it is cruel on the incoming partner in a polyamorous relationship to explain the extent of the relationship with the primary partner is just plain wrong, because by not explaining the extent of the initial relationship is cruel to the primary partner. Not respecting certain boundaries, at least in the initial stages, that can be negotiated and reviewed later is wrong. Not respecting people outside the relationship who are affected by its complexities is thoughtless.

All of these things need to be resolved in polyamorous relationships and then they can work most effectively and tranquilly.
Just a thought.