My man, my man friend, my lover, my buddy, my ‘whatever you so choose to call him’, is out on the town tonight. He is on a blind date, of sorts. He’s meeting a woman who happens to be staying in the city for a couple of nights. It’s not really a blind date because he has actually met her before, very briefly, when he was travelling. They exchanged email addresses and have been conversing over the internet ever since.
She’s witty, intellectual and attractive in every sense. They have developed a good rapport.
Subtle insinuations have also been exchanged. Less subtle conversations have taken place.
She has explained how she is a woman who considers sexual liberty to be a priority in her life. She has explained that she enjoys sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything, as far as emotional attachment but so much the better if it does. He, in turn, has explained his views on sex and sexuality, defining key points regarding sexual attachment and indeed sexual non-attachment.
They both agree that sex can be the most vital and life-enhancing thing when it is part of a strong, abiding and intimate relationship. But they also agree that sex does not have to be limited to such situations. Let’s face facts; it is actually very rare indeed to meet a person that ticks all the boxes or hits all the buttons as far as sexual, spiritual, emotional, physical, instinctual, intellectual attraction is concerned. Why should one limit one’s sexual experience in the often vain hope of finding such a connected person and being able to sustain such a relationship?
They both agree that if two attractive human beings are enjoying one another’s company, then what could be more natural than completing the evening with a fuck? Nothing more than the loveliness of human contact and a sharing and receiving of sexual wonderment! The sex can be incredibly stimulating. The throwing away of conformity in itself is sexually arousing.
You don’t actually need the emotional attachment to enjoy sex. Funnily enough, that is why the pornography industry thrives. I think that point has been proven.
Furthermore, they also both agree that sex can also take place just to satisfy a need in another person. Sex is a vital part of peoples’ lives and if someone has the foresight to actually acknowledge this, then irrespective of attraction, another sexual being should possibly do their duty and just go ahead and fuck the person who requests some action.
They haven’t actually discussed whether they will have sex tonight. They probably don’t need to. It is probably best to just go with the flow and see what happens rather than have the awkwardness of an expectation that they no longer feel a desire to oblige.
She is in a relationship. She has been in this relationship for about ten years. It is a strong and content relationship whereby she is totally committed to her partner. Yet she is a woman of sexual need and whilst she is travelling throughout Europe, she enjoys the company of men to take her out for a meal, or walk her round the streets of an unknown city and finally emptying their spunk into the carefully provided condoms that she carries with her in case her need requires one.
As for her partner, well, he doesn’t know about this. He is unaware of her dalliances with other men. He knows that she is a sexual being and he thinks that what he provides is sufficient to satisfy her on her travels.
But this woman is no hamster and sex is not something that you can store in a little pouch either side of your mouth, and just take out when the need arises. Oh, were it that simple!
My man is not in a relationship; not in the conventional sense. He is certainly not in an exclusive relationship by both choice and default. One could argue that he fucks a friend but it is actually a little more than that. In my opinion, it is considerably more than that. Fucking a friend sounds somewhat recreational, and whilst recreational sex plays a part in our relationship, it is not the most important part of our sexual togetherness.
This whole thing is utterly confusing, not in a dramatic way, not in a threatening way. It is just confused by so many aspects.
I feel like drawing a kind of mind map, split into halves, with all the positives and meanings and relationships and connotations on one side, and all the negatives and meanings and relationships and connotations on the other.
I want to make this abundantly clear. My writing about this is not to try and decipher any meaning or conclusion. My writing is not part of a prolonged angst that I have. It is merely a fascination in the swaying moods and the fluctuations of thoughts that I have on the subject.
The other day, my friend told me how about a year ago he had slept with another woman. When I say slept, I mean that they had slept in the same bed. He’d decided that he didn’t really want to fuck her, and she hadn’t wanted that either. However, when they woke in the morning, she just leant over towards him and kissed him. Whilst doing this, she allowed her hand to wander over his cock and rub some morning horniness into him. He reciprocated, not necessarily out of a desire or attraction to this woman but just because he instinctively felt that this was the right thing to do. He pushed his fingers inside her, reached towards her G-Spot that she had almost forgotten existed, and then she came.
Nothing else happened. He rubbed his cock against her pussy but he didn’t slide in. He kissed her gently whilst she was lying in post-climatic bliss, got up, showered and went on his way.
So, where is all of this leading to?
I honestly don’t know. I am not sure it is leading anywhere other than making observations about different people’s sexuality and portraying the different ways that people have ‘relationships’.
What feels right for one person may not feel right for another. What feels right for one person at a given time and situation, may feel totally wrong in a similar yet slightly different situation.
Sex, life, love, relationships – they would all be so much easier if there weren’t rules and regulations. In some ways, it would be easier if the conformity was non-conformity.
Sex, the act, should be as simple as any other instinctual need in life. It should be about two people coming together to enjoy the physical act of expressing their sexuality. That is all it is.
But is it really that simple? If sex is just a physical act that happens to feel rather delightful, then why are there so many hang ups associated with it? Why is it not as simple as kissing when you greet someone? Why is it not that simple?
I’m not actually sure that I have the answer because if you make sex that simplified, that matter of fact, does it not lose some of its power in its normality of function? Does it not lose a little magic or is the type of sex I am talking about purely that of a physical pleasure and the magic is totally in the physical reaction? And if it is, is that enough or is that just like masturbation really?
You see, however glibly (if that is an appropriate word to use) you look at sex, however liberated and shackle free you are about sex, you still cannot take away the fact that the sex that is the very essence of being is not simply a physical act. It cannot be because the physical aspect of sex is only one part of it. The emotional attachment, the reaching and grasping of the mind and spirit, the almost paralysing intensity of love-making – that is the pinnacle of sexuality, of life.
Do we really want to lose that? Could we lose it by being too casual about our own sexuality?
My friend and his female companion would argue that casual, recreational sex is totally different to what I am talking about, and they would be right. My friend and the travelling woman would say that giving someone a fuck because they really want it is perfectly sensible and a normal reaction to a needy person. You wouldn’t walk passed a stranger in pain so why would you allow a friend or acquaintance be sexually needy if you could do something about it?
The point is that people do confuse the different aspects of sex and that is where the problems arise. Sometimes the confusion or the muddying of waters takes place even if it was not intended.
What, for example, would happen if one of the parties involved in casual or recreational sex decided that this intimacy had a meaning that was not intended by the other party; that they took the passion and excitement of the moment to mean something else – believing that there was an emotional attachment too?
What if casual sex was accompanied by a growing fondness and togetherness that neither had intended to happen, yet clearly was present and there was nothing that could be done by denying the strength of feeling on both parts?
What may have started as a simple fuck had become something of significance.
What if there was a wonderful friendship that was ruined by the sexual intimacy?
What if? What if? Conundrums and confusions, scruples and secrecies!
Sex is NOT simple in any form.
The answer to the above questions is clearly that the “what if’s” are irrelevant, in some ways, because you should never concentrate on the ‘what if’s’ if the concentration on the future diminishes the here and now. ‘What if’ is rubbish and threatening and should really have no part in determining the instinct of the sexual moment.
But sometimes, however hard one tries to suppress it, the ‘what if’ is there.
Sex is an act. This act of sex can be part of a loving relationship or it can be part of a casual event. The two are very, very different.
My friend’s female companion can differentiate quite carefully between the two forms. So can my friend. So can I.
Most of the time.
Just because my lover decides to fuck another woman, does that take anything at all away from the intimacy that we share, the togetherness that we need, the consideration that we have for one another?
Just because this woman likes to have sex whilst she is travelling and working, does that take anything away from the intimacy of her partnership?
The obvious answer is no. It negates nothing. In some ways, it actually increases the intimacy especially when you can share one another’s sexuality. That is something that I am eternally grateful for.
I love his sexuality. I love that he is a sexual being who is expressive and upfront about his sexuality. I want him to enjoy his sexuality. But there is also a part of me that has suffered from so much conformity that it muddies my waters, my thoughts, however much I try and detach from these shackles. Sometimes, I cannot divorce these two separate sexual acts. Sometimes, I put all the sexuality together as one conglomerated block making huge assumptions that the sexuality that we share will be replicated with whoever he has sex with.
And then I look at such a sentence and think to myself, well what the hell is wrong with this being replicated, even if it did happen? Surely, if I have feelings for this man, I would actually hope that he did have that intimacy with another because it is the type of intimacy that should be experienced as often, as frequently as possible. And then the devil on the right shoulder turns around and says “But I want that to happen with just me!”
And quite frankly that is deeply selfish and self-indulgent, which rather goes against the liberty and freedom of sexuality itself.
I have to finish now but this is only the opening, the starting point to this discussion that I hope others will contribute.
Essentially, I hope my man has a wonderful time with this woman tonight. I hope he finds some sexual stimulation, some really satisfying sex and I hope that he will return from this evening able and willing to talk to me about all of this.
And as for others - well, the interpretation might be that neither of us can care that passionately for one another if we feel this ‘disregard’ for intimate sex. Can we really be passionate about one another if one has sex with another and the ‘partner’ is comfortable with that happening?
That is what some would say because conformity has made them think that way.
But they’d be missing the point………
More later.
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