Marriage Vows. Polyamory Rules

Do you take this woman/man to be your lawful wedded husband/wife? Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honour and keep him/her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live.

Or

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my friend, my lover, the (mother/father) of my children and my (husband/wife). I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

Or

“In the future, happy occasions will come as surely as the morning. 
Difficult times will come as surely as the night. 
When things go joyously, meditate according to the Buddhist tradition. 
When things go badly, meditate. 
Meditation in the manner of the Compassionate Buddha will guide your life. 
To say the words ‘love and compassion’ is easy.
But to accept that love and compassion are built upon patience
and perseverance is not easy.”

It’s a no brainer really. The Buddhists win every time.

How enlightening! No mention of eternity or faithfulness or coupledom or anything else that could feel as though you are signing your life away, signing yourself away.

And what of those statements of intent above? The last one could equally apply to a significant partnership of intimacy as much as a marriage.

There is the old joke about marriages and life sentences and that you could get less of a stretch inside etc. But let us look at this a little more carefully.
What people sign up to with these types of vows is utterly unworkable. It is bordering on, no it is, in direct contradiction to the charter of Human Rights. No person could sign up to conditional coupledom if they really and truly thought about the words that they are saying and the shackles of such a contract. And yet, if you drive around the country today, you will see many people in churches, registry offices, castles, country homes and hotels doing precisely that.
I suspect that a mere 0.0001% are using the Buddhist version.

So why do we do it? And why, even in a polyamorous situation, do people feel the need for a contractual agreement?

In some ways, I can understand the polyamory contract more readily because it is possible that more management of the situations is required, and as promised, I will shortly look at the list in greater detail. However, in reality, the only thing that is going to make any relationship work is compassionate appreciation for one another, one another’s needs, oneself and recognising the value of the relationship in the first place.

It is sad that we need a contract for this. It is appalling that the contract is such a bind when clearly there are aspects of it that are inhumane. Just how long do we have to suffer with indifference, changes in feelings, faithfulness if we evolve emotionally, spiritually and everything else from the moment we took the vows? Just how long do we have to keep pretending that this life-sentence of a contract is viable?

Perhaps it is, when you are 73!

So, back to polyamory.
As regular readers will know, I have been having a few issues with this during the last couple of weeks. My lover told me that he had met some other women, that he was attracted to them and ultimately that he had slept with them. I reacted very badly, very emotionally and have been stressing about it ever since.

Since this has happened, we have not made love, we have not had an opportunity in our busy lives to spend any real quality time together but I am sure that will happen shortly. Since this has happened, I have reacted badly and I am most concerned about the long-term effect it is going to have on our relationship.

I hold my hand up readily to state that my reaction has caused more of an issue in our relationship than the fact that he slept with other women. However, once my feelings have been shared, once I have tried to state that I am working on the whole polyamory thing, once I have tried to say that I am perfectly willing to accept that I do not have any right to prevent him acting instinctively and passionately with other people, once all that has happened, there still has to be management, empathy, concern on both our parts to ensure that the very thing that I was, and he was, most afraid of would not happen, i.e. an irreparable breakdown in our relationship.

The damage is done. I overreacted but it does not have to stop there. The Zen thing is to reflect, consider what is wanted, move on and continue to serve on another as well as oneself, ensuring that neither the relationship nor the individual needs of those within is lost, is neglected, is left.

That is entirely different from being stuck in a marriage situation with vows that shackle.
The development of this sort of relationship is a choice. And I return once more to the Buddhist statement above. It really is quite a spectacular thing, and surely one that people can live with if they are committed to the love and relationship with an exceptionally important person.

So back to the polyamorists from, I assume the USA, and their contract.

I want to make it crystal clear that such a contract, for me, is quite abhorrent. I don’t like living to the rules. Over the last decade, I haven’t done so.

Writing things down do not make them happen. Laws are broken, rules are broken. Having them written down or recited for some people is tantamount to inviting their rebellion.
However, in issues as complicated as multiple partners, then maybe there should, at the very least be significant and honest discussion with your partners, reflection away from partners or lovers on your own and a coming together with a workable and mutually agreed format (even if unwritten), taking into consideration that nothing should stagnate and rules, regulations, responsibilities and relationships can change and should change. “To accept that love and compassion are built upon patience and perseverance is not easy”.

Oh and a quick note to my lover; I can do this, if you will just let me try. I can do this if you just lose your negativity towards me, forgive me and remember who I am and what the entire Zenpuss journey, for both of us, is all about.

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In some ways, I quite admire the mad folks from Utah or wherever they may be living. They have a point. So now let us proceed to see where the sublime and the ridiculous fall within these numbered points.

1.       Affirm a primary relationship. All other relationships will be no more than secondary in priority, regardless of the level of love, lust and infatuation involved.

This works for some people. For others, polyamory is not about hierarchy at all. Some might even argue that true polyamory cannot possibly have degrees of intimacy and love and that it is about equality. However, there has to be recognition that you probably have a deeper connection with some people than others but that being said, it does not take anything away from the value and importance of the relationship with others.

If I am honest, I do want to be the primary ‘partner’. Maybe I am so indoctrinated into the western philosophy of coupledom that this is the last barrier that I have to push down. However, now on the 17^th June 2011, that is how I feel. Maybe on the 31^st October, I may well feel differently. For now, though, it is how it is. And I can see some validity in this first statement.

2.       The primary partner will have first claim on the other partner’s time, energy and attention.

This is only manageable if the partner feels inclined towards their alleged primary partner. I suspect that the partner shouldn’t be able to claim time, energy and attention if it does not comply with the other partner’s needs at the time. That is difficult to accept but once more has to be managed. However, if there is one relationship that is currently more committed than the others, then perhaps that fact ought to be respected.

3.       The primary partner’s feelings about the situation takes priority – if one of us thinks something is wrong, something is wrong.

This goes both ways. The wrongness could be coming from both sides. What one person thinks is wrong, another may well think is fine but the basic premise of one person thinking something is wrong and therefore it is, unless of course you happen to have partnered up with a mad person with an overworked and vivid imagination!

4.       Communication is important – we promise to bring up and discuss reasonably and rationally any feelings of insecurity, abandonment, loneliness, unfairness as soon as we can articulate them.

Communication is important in any relationship. It is the keystone. If you cannot talk about such things without fear of misunderstanding, then the relationship is probably not worth it. Communication is vital but so too is the “reasonable and rational”. In order to do that one has to commit to a certain level of non-attachment, and that is hard when emotions, destructive or otherwise, are involved.

5.       We will not ridicule the partner’s feelings

And I would go further than that. You do not ridicule but you also try and empathise, even when it is contradictory to anything you have ever believed or experienced before. Empathy on both sides is as vital as communication.

6.       We will agree to put forward constructive suggestions before paranoia or accusations.

From one who has had a life-time of suffering paranoia, this made me giggle. Once more, taking a valuable objective view of any situation has to help in moving on.

7.       We agree to change our behaviour when necessary to make the other partner feel valued and loved

This one is a tricky one. Take my own situation. How far do I expect him to modify to accommodate what, in reality, are irrational concerns of mine? However, having said that we can support one another through the things that sometimes appear mutually exclusive. Once a partner feels unvalued and unloved it is up to both involved to try and make that change. An initial outburst of irrational behaviour is exacerbated if the partner cannot bring themselves to empathise but that does not mean they have to change their behaviour in the initial trigger of the situation. I could not and would not demand a change in behaviour to the point that I would expect the unexpectable. I assume that my lover would not do so either.

8.       It is the responsibility of the lover who is hurt to bring “it” up. It is the responsibility of the others involved to listen.

Bring it up, listen, work together and then move on. If you don’t move on, the issue hovers as an elephant in the room. Moving on means that there may well be a need for reassurance in the short term. Reliance on that in the longer term isn’t viable.

9.       We affirm that non-primary partners are not therapists to complain about the primary partner to.

A good point but then again, there are times when I wish that my partner did have someone to talk about in relation to the complexities of our relationship. So do I. I have nobody at all in my life, other than my lover, who could possibly understand – that in itself could be a problem but could also be embraced as the very thing that sets our relationship aside from others. That said, you shouldn’t really discuss the negativity of another with an additional partner but once more providing factual and non-attached information in order to get views from another is probably acceptable.

10.   Any anger venting should be done with non-sexual friends.

Another good point; the main point being that perhaps talking and discussion about a relationship outside of that relationship is sometimes a sensible thing to do. However, anger venting should really be done with the partner and nobody else, otherwise you are setting up barriers for your partner to get on with your non-sexual friends in the future.

11.   Non-primary lovers should not act as a go-between or messenger, should not be used as a weapon between primary partners or put in the middle of a primary partner argument.

No. Been there, done that, got the book and the certificate and it was a bloody awful experience.

Fuck me, I’d almost forgotten how awful that was. My goodness, we really have lurched from crisis to crisis at certain points in our relationship.

12.   We promise to be honest about our feelings at all times.

TINA! Only there comes a point when the honesty becomes tedious to the point of destruction. There also needs to be a recognition that sometimes we just want to stop talking and bothering about issues and get on with enjoying one another’s company. That is exactly how I feel today.

13.   We will never dismiss a feeling on the basis of irrationality.

Is this feasible? Shouldn’t irrationality be dismissed by its very nature? Intuition? Can that also be irrational – of course it can. I think the point here is that whilst irrationality is daft, sometimes it cannot be dismissed as unimportant. Sometimes one has to embrace the irrationality as the dark side of a person or a situation, and work with it to ensure that the irrationality moves along an enlightened path to rationality.

14.   We will never give in to “shiny new love” syndrome.

Embrace the glorious feeling of newness, by all means. Isn’t that the most gorgeous of feelings? But one can only compare like with like if you are mad enough to go down the comparison march. At present, my lover is bound to be having a far more wonderful time with other people than he is with me because they have not got the history, the constancy, the intimacy, the challenges in their relationship that I have with him. They have lovely newness with this wonderful, attractive man who is providing for them all the things that they have had missing in their lives, whereas I am just the brain ache gal who is having to contend with the new situations in my life, that clearly make me less adorable at present.

Luckily for me, my lover is not into comparisons and would hopefully recognise the true nature of this current situation.

15.   If either of us wants a new sexual/romantic relationship they must bring that person to be interviewed by the other primary partner before sexual relationships have occurred.

So, if one goes out for an evening with a friend, someone that one really gets on with, someone that is attracted to you and visa versa, and you send up going back to their place and end up in a situation when you are about to jump into bed with them, do you then say, “hold on – you just need to be interviewed by my partner”?
Of course, I suppose that this particular ‘couple’ have this stipulation to ensure that such situations of instinct and impulsiveness do not happen. Quite a superhuman ask, judging by what my lover has said about what has happened to him over the last few weeks. But....... makes you think.

Of course, it is ridiculous though. How can you possibly interview in this way. Can you really, if you are a sexual being, wait for, know whether something is going to happen or not. Life does have a habit of coming out and biting you on the bottom or arousing your cock to the point that it jsut has to do what it has to do.

16.   The potential lover must affirm they are fully aware of the situation and have no illusions about the nature of the relationship, including their place in the priority list.

It’s just an illusion! Not really a very good thing to have. But the potential lover, either post or pre fuck, according to this, should be aware of what they are getting themselves into, irrespective of the latter part of the statement and the bloody pecking order. I suppose that is only fair. I entered into a relationship with my lover in full knowledge of his current relationship at the time. I personally think that his other lovers, now and in the future, should have the same opportunity, assuming that our relationship continues to be the significant one that it currently is.

But irrespective of me, perhaps potential lovers should be very clear on the fact that this man does not do coupledom, does not want a partner and merely wants to be himself, free to do what he likes, with whom he likes. As long as they know that, then there is no problem.

17.   The potential partner must convince the primary partnership that they are indeed polyamorous.

Interesting one. What if they’re not? What if they are out for a relationship? What if they are not out for a relationship and suddenly realise the significance of the so-called primary partner in their lives? Once more, this is exactly what happened to me. I was polyamorous by default and it wasn’t until I was left without having sex with my lover that I realised just how important that aspect, together with the others of our relationship was so vital.

And in all of that, I don’t think I classified myself as polyamorous, monogamous, unfaithful or any other bleeding label. Labels are SO destructive!

18.   If you are polyamorous, don’t date monogamous people.

Well duh!

19.   The polyamorous lover must be ok with kids.

Well, that is an interesting one. I wonder how it does work with kids. Perhaps, the real enlightened way is to make sure your kids know from the outset that Mummy and Daddy are not going to be life-time partners and if they are, other people will come and go as well.

20.   If the potential lover has a partner of any serious commitment that partner must also speak to us giving consent.

Consent? Approval? Acceptance? Permission? Where does one stop and another start, not just from the potential lover’s lover either!

It’s all a bit organised for spontaneous admiration and attraction.

21.   Each primary partner has the right to an irrevocable veto of any partner at any time. The vetoer is required to provide an explanation but the veto is not open to argument.

Ah yes, the veto button. But what happens if the veto button gets continually hit? Okay, there has to be a valid explanation but who is doing the validating? If the partners are poles apart, what gives? Who compromises? What happens when the compromise turns into resentment?

If I ask my partner not to sleep with these women, how long before he resents doing as I wish? Likewise, if I feel as though I am making a compromise in accepting the fact that he has to sleep with these other women, how long before I resent my compromise.

For a long time now, I have thought that monogamy is unworkable. Now I am beginning to think that any complex relationship is inworkable but perhaps that is because today is after the night before, and I am feeling blissfully ignorant of where I am right now.

22.   If a long-standing relationship is suddenly vetoed, arguing is allowed and consensus must be reached.

And what if consensus can’t be reached? Do they then rip up this incredible document?

23.   Any and all emotional misunderstanding must be settled by consensus.

YES! That is obvious.

24.   Repeated inability on the part of the non-primary lover to talk through misunderstandings will result in disqualification due to immaturity.

And what of the primary partner? Do they get “disqualified” due to their inability to be mature about a given situation? Are they disqualified or ridiculed because they are so stupid as to not being as enlightened as they would like to be? Does the other partner “disqualify” their main lover because they are unwilling or unable to overcome misunderstandings, negative outbursts etc?
Where does it stop?

25.   If genetic male-identified males want to date the female partner they must have permission from the male primary partner.

Now this is interesting. This smacks of misogyny to me. So it is okay for her to have a relationship with another woman but as soon as the chief of the Pride feels under pressure then he has to intervene, whereas she does not have to do the same if he wants to have a female or male partner? Doesn’t really seem very fair and equitable to me?

26.   Although the secondary lovers do not have to have a separate friend-type relationship with the other primary partner, it is a definite bonus.

Or, from experience, it is a blithering nightmare with all sorts of additional complications. What works for one person, does not work for another.

27.   The following nights must be spent with the primary partner; anniversaries, birthdays, rebirthdays (!!), eight religious high days (oh yes, they must be of the Morman tendency!), graduations and any other specific and important day.

How funny! How contrived! What happens if you end up in a relationship with twins?

28.   As soon as the partner falls asleep, the duty is considered fulfilled!

Ah well that solves the “twin” scenario. Once Lucy is asleep then you can fuck off into bed with Rita. I like it!

29.   Use of the words, “wife”, “husband”, “Spouse” and “partner” are restricted to the primary partnership only. “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “fuck-buddy”, “lover” are fine for all other contacts.

Words, words, words. What are words worth if there is no action behind them? If I considered myself as the primary partner in my lover’s life at the moment, none of the primary words here are acceptable. So then am I a fuck buddy? I don’t think so. A girlfriend? Oh please! That hardly describes our relationship.

Perhaps we ought to dispense of any labels and just get on with being who we are and who we are to one another. Isn’t that more important, says the woman who wants to be seen as a partner?

30.   Body fluid monogamy at all times with non-primary lovers.

The argument behind this was that in polyamorous relationships you need to be even more careful with sexual health. I cannot see an argument against this at all other than the fact that making love with a condom on your dick is hardly the best experience in the world for anyone involved. Fuck bloody infections and their potential! Not fuck them in a dismissive way but damn them for being present, for potentially curtailing sexual enjoyment for all. It is one of the natural laws of life’s little jokes.

31.   Exceptions to the above if they have been lovers for over six months – and all out body-fluid relationships can be discussed.

Well, that is always open for negotiation irrespective of the six month rule. Perhaps it ought to start with all partners agreeing to have regular visits to the GUM clinic.

32.   The woman will only have penetrative sex with the primary male partner

Back to misogyny. What more can I say?

33.   If S/M is taking place the primary partner has the right to demand to be present in order to ensure the other partner will be safe.

How about if S/M isn’t taking place? How about if the primary partner just fancies looking in on her partner’s sexuality from time to time? How about if she actually gets off on seeing her lover fuck another, especially if he then wants to fuck her even more?

I hope to goodness that my lover wants to fuck me even more after he has slept with another women. It certainly seemed that way this week.

At first.

34.   Beds are for sleep. If loud sex with a secondary partner is keeping the other primary partner awake, they have the power of eviction.

Mmmm. I wonder if they have any rules on snoring and farting evictions as well?
Beds are for sleep but they are also for fucking. In fact, I rather prefer the idea that they are for fucking as much as, if not more than for sleeping in.

35.   Hunting licences allow the primary partners to have sex away from home without the interview process

Okay, this all gets a little ridiculous now. Can the hunting licence be a permanent thing? Not according to these rules. But can you really prevent alpha males and alpha females from doing what they want when they are out and about? The evidence from where I am standing is clearly not. And why should we?

36.   Sexual contacts picked up on hunting licence must be one-offs

If only everything could be that straight forward but life isn’t like that. There is instinct, there is attraction, there are feelings. It is a complex situation and making ridiculous rules is not going to change that.

37.   The sexual contacts during the licence period must be made fully aware of the polyamorous situation.

Agreed. Like it or not, I cannot get away from this one. Honesty, openness and truthfulness is recommended at all times, however painful, however much of a distraction, however it might be a prevention. It is fair on ALL concerned to do this. Otherwise, situations occur.

38.   The first free time after the end of a hunting licence must be spent with the primary partner.

I’ve granted no licence. I am not in a position to do so and even if I was (though some might say I am due to the longevity and the closeness of our relationship) I wouldn’t want to.

HOWEVER, now that it has happened, once, twice, more times in the future, once it has happened, I am really desperate for some intimacy of my own with my lover. I need him. I need to see his consideration, affection and love for me. I am beside myself with concern about this.

There are no licences. There are no rules but please consider the fact that I need you now more than ever.

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It’s late. I’ve been up for hours. I’ve not slept at all for two nights. I am exhausted, emotionally drained and beaten.

BUT, I am also, in the most peculiar of ways, glad that all of this has happened.

The whole point of Zenpuss’s journey is that she discovers, she is challenged, she loses preconceived and imposed ideas about life and sex and relationships. She moves forward. She gains insight. She thinks intelligently. She is dispassionate and compassionate. She is selfless and selfish. She recognises her needs and those of others and tries to follow a path to ensure that both, all needs are met.

It’s been a long few weeks. It’s been a long, long morning.

Perhaps it is time for me to now take a walk.

I just hope that I can do that with my lover rather than walking in the opposite direction.