Groundhog Night

That bloody ferret-like animal reared its ugly little head from its hole last night and the Groundhog was back in the picture, despite all my protestations that it was not going to come back and start the whole sorry saga all over again.

It’s not bloody fair. Not on me, not on him. I am slowly and carefully unpicking all the positives that my writing and meditation has given me over the last few days. I am re-reading and re-reminding.

I thought I had hit rock bottom, which is a really silly phrase. I actually thought that there was nothing else that could hurt me any longer. I had accepted many things and had started to embrace the emptiness that I felt, to the point that it was no longer emptiness but nothingness. Or rather the emptiness was also wholeness. That is where I wanted to be.
I realise now that the wound was still a little too raw and I am still susceptible to the type of negative and destructive emotions that I so dearly wish would either disappear or be managed.

But, can we not forget that this is still a relatively new situation? Can we not realise, can I not realise that this is a small section of time that has to be seen as relative both to the past and the future, without dwelling on either?

The story so far............

·         Woman meets man – simple as that. Not.

·         Woman is attracted to man and visa versa

·         Woman spends time with man developing a friendship

·         Friendship turns into a physical attraction

·         Physical attraction becomes very sexual

·         Woman is married

·         Man is in another relationship; an ‘exclusive one’

·         Attraction is firmly established and they continue with the relationship

·         Man tries to stop additional relationship and removes sexual element from their friendship

·         Woman is devastated

·         Man then rekindles his sexual relationship with woman

·         Man invites his partner to meet his ‘other’ woman

·         Woman and woman develop a friendship of their own

·         Woman and man and his woman all have a gloriously horny time with one another, simultaneously

·         Man and his woman have arguments over his attraction to the other woman.

·         Man and his woman split up

·         Woman remains married

·         Woman and man develop further intimacy in their relationship

·         Man has a few interesting encounters with other women

·         Man reminds woman that he does not do exclusivity, especially with a married woman

·         Woman and man continue to develop further intimacy and further intensity to their relationship

·         Woman remains married but realises she doesn’t want to be

·         Man feels somewhat in need of further friendships

·         Man rekindles friendship with an old colleague

·         Woman becomes a little concerned (didn’t tell you that one!)

·         Woman and man continue to have a fantastic time together, even when they cannot physically be together

·         Old colleague introduces man to two of her friends

·         Man decides to contact both women when there is a signal of friendship to do so.

·         Man goes out with woman no.1 and ends up kissing her and touching her

·         Woman (from the first bullet point) is envious for no reason other than she has had man to herself for a number of years

·         Man goes out with Woman no. 2 and ends up staying the night with her

·         Woman is hurt and upset because she cannot sleep with ‘her’ man and she is not sure she can cope with the reality of polyamory, especially if the other woman is oblivious to their relationship

·         Two days later, man goes out with Woman no. 1 and ends up sleeping with her too, with an added fuck to boot

·         Woman is hurt and upset because she cannot sleep with ‘her’ man and she is not sure she can cope with the reality of polyamory, especially if the other woman is oblivious to their relationship

·         Woman remains married but has long since stopped having sex with her husband and sleeps in separate room

·         Man continues to see woman no. 1 and woman no. 2 because he is who he is. That is him

·         Woman finds it difficult that he needs these other women, despite knowing that she cannot currently give him the things that he wants and even if she was available to do so he would still need other women in his life

·         Woman has major fits of insecurity that result in destructive emotions and immature behaviour

·         Woman requests of man that Woman no.1 and woman no. 2 know about the significance of woman and man’s relationship

·         Woman continues to have bouts of insecurity despite constant reassurance by man

·         Man tells woman that she is the most important person in his life and that their relationship is essential to his life

·         Woman believes this to be the case but is still concerned about the other women and their expectations

·         Man continues to have sex with woman no.1

·         Woman has a clear moment of calm when she accepts what is happening

·         Man is excited and pleased that woman is calm at last

·         Man sleeps with woman no.1

·         The next night man sleeps with woman no.2

·         Woman makes assumptions about who he has slept with

·         Man explains in detail what he has done for the last two nights

·         Man and woman go away for a night of quality time

·         Woman fucks it up

·         Woman gets a fit of the jitters when man falls asleep, assuming he is so knackered from sleeping with no. 1 and no.2 women from the previous night that he cannot keep awake for a cuddle with his longest standing woman

·         Woman flips, calls him a fucking bastard and cries all night

·         Woman is physically sick in the morning outside the hotel

·         Man and woman have sex

·         Woman still feels sick at the thought at what has happened

·         Man perseveres with woman, for the time being!

·         Man tells woman that he is going away for a few days with woman no.1

·         Woman thinks this is somewhat soon in their relationship and has the heeby jeebies but understands

·         Woman is still concerned about woman no. 1 and for that matter woman no.2’s longer term aspiration regarding the man..............................................

Makes “Vicky, Christina, Barcelona” look like an episode of Coronation Street!

Ultimately of course, the latter half of the bullet points will all be merged into one point which says “Man stops talking about being polyamorous and gets on with it”.

The next bullet point might say, “Woman cannot cope with her destructive emotions and insecurity”

I am hoping that the sentence after than is “Woman fully embraces everything about her adorable man and stops being a twat” (obviously assuming that her twat as well as her mind and soul is gloriously cared for by the man).

...............................................

I hurt. I am hurt. I will be hurt.

And it has to stop. But despite what I might deem to be causes beyond my control, it is ultimately up to me to stop it because the cause ain’t going to disappear.

I will embrace change but everything has happened so damn quickly. Less than a month ago, things were so very, very different, and yes, there is a big part of me that can hardly contemplate how a man who is so caring, so loving, so in need of the continuation of our wholesome relationship can continue bombarding me with more and more things that take me out of my comfort zone, challenge me (which can and is a positive thing) knowing that it is really, really hurting me.

And yet, in a bizarre twist, not only do I know he is right to pursue this pathway, I actually want him to and I fundamentally believe him when he says that our relationship will flourish once I have got to grips with my fucked up emotions.
I just need time to readjust and some appreciation of what I am trying to do and the difficulties I am facing.

And in all of this time, I have also had elation, intimacy beyond even my expectations and a hell of a lot of time and love from my beautiful man.

I have read a fair amount to try and help me and still the issue of embracing the emptiness, the passion and the pain as one is the most sensible advice I have encountered, and it still remains my hope, and just as I feel as though I am getting somewhere, another challenge, another change in circumstance comes my way.

IT IS DIFFICULT.

But of course, we have now come to the stage where if I do not contain my emotions, the whole thing could come tumbling down.

Sometimes, it seems that everything, everything is my fault. It is my fault that I had certain assumptions about what our mode of polyamory was going to be. It is my fault that I cannot contain my destructive emotions. It is my fault that I have a hang up about the sleeping bit. It is my fault whenever my emotions run into childish behaviour. It is my fault when I get angry and frustrated. It is my fault if I ask an innocent let alone a deliberate question. It is my fault that I want to be seen as the main relationship in his life. It is my fault. It is always my fault and whilst I can see very clearly that in many of the above the reaction that I have to certain causal factors is indeed my fault or certainly my responsibility, one cannot get away from the fact that there are causal factors. I would not be having to see my fucking awful darker side all of the bloody time if............................... and what the hell is the point of ‘if’?

Back to calmer moments. They are in the majority despite it looking and seeming to the contrary sometimes.

But I need to talk briefly about those outbursts of mine through the media of quotes from the Dalai Lama.

I have been looking at these today, and incidentally, whilst I have taken many quotes recently from a variety of sources and interpreted them to my situation and me, there is no doubt that the readers, known and not known, can also look at these quotes and challenge themselves too.

Change does not have to be one way. Change is about ALL of us changing, not just me. Nobody should stagnate.

“Follow the three Rs; respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions”

Yes, I know.

Sometimes, in all of this I have lost respect for myself but oddly never respect for others. As for the responsibility for your actions, that is precisely what I meant in the previous paragraph. There is a huge difference between being responsible for your actions, than being responsible for the outcome of your actions to the responsibility of being mindful of the outcomes of your actions and all of this is different again from, as the Dalai says, having responsibility for all your actions.

Worth thinking about. I know I am doing just that.

I have fully taken on board in an extremely painful way, as recently as twenty odd hours ago responsibility for all my actions. I fucked up, big time, and I am left with the horror of what I did.

I have responsibility for my actions and I am damn well going to try again, but as I said, as soon as I get over one little setback or one little issue, another one comes my way, almost immediately.

Going away with someone that you have only just met seems a bloody big thing. I knew it would happen one day, but this soon? I know there are advantages, I know you want to be you but it does seem very premature and it does seem a little intense. I know, I know.

But once more, I start with sadness and hurt, and that evolves into resignation, and soon I will lose the resignation and embrace the emptiness.

I might even get to the stage of being content and the embracing of emptiness is no longer required but so soon? Time. Not always the great healer that the stupid saying suggests, especially when the time seems so short.

In accepting every further issue, do I lose respect for myself? I know this should not be the case but sometimes it feels that way.

And in all the respecting that I am doing for other people is it always reciprocated? I actually think, in the main, that it is but as I said the other day, when does the ego turn so far inward that it becomes more than ‘being yourself’? Where does the latter part of the Dalai Lama’s statement fit in?

This is the darker side talking but in a much calmer way.

“Take into account that great love and great achievements involve risk”

Don’t I know it, but ultimately one could argue that the greater the challenge, the greater the reward or the greater the love the greater the achievement in dealing with and embracing risk.

We all risk in all of this, and we know it. I risk in not being able to control my emotions. He risks in needing to be who he is. We all take risks. But if we get it right, if we can manage to get through everything that is happening to us right now, then the greatest of achievements is the greater amount of love – and if you do not like the word ‘love’ then the greater amount of affection, caring, consideration, intimacy, honesty, trust, peace – call it what you will.

“Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship”

Or a great relationship, or a great partnership, or a great companionship. Ultimately, as I said right at the beginning, this really is a little dispute when you put it in the larger context of the ongoing and continuing relationship. I need to hold onto that one, thank you Your Holiness.

"When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it."

It takes two. I tried but to be honest, when you have pissed someone off with a shed-load of brain ache for the umpteenth time, any amount of immediacy is not going to be readily embraced. It needs the recipient of the error to enable immediate steps of correction and sometimes, understandably, the will is not there.

“Open your arms to change but don’t let go of your values”

I cannot say any more about this other than the fact that I will embrace change but not at the expense of me. Emptiness is one thing and holding onto things about yourself that should well and truly be eradicated is quite another but my core values? Yes, they must be challenged but eventually I have to find me.

............................................

That’s it.

Not the horniest of writing today folks but I think it is important to keep a record of the conflicts that I have, as I said in the hope that it may help others.

My Groundhog night still fills me with horror despite the fact that it is in the past, despite the fact that we have moved on and had a lovely, lovely morning talking and much more besides.

For those who want a bit of arousal, there was lots of juicy cums. I am still amazed at how fucking horny I got in all my abundant and ludicrous temper. In fact there is a feisty element in me that actually gets quite turned on in the middle of a confrontation. And there was a piss in the woods as I removed my panties to go with nature, and there was lots of ogling and boob touching, and much appreciation of me from my lover despite the provocation of my ridiculous reaction to innocent nothings.

The Fat Lady is still not singing but it is getting to the end of the show, I hope, and she can sing all she likes to remind me about my complex, painful and passionate journey, once it is all over, if it is ever over( and I mean that in the most positive way possible).

But of course, the journey is never going to be over, not completely. There will always be new challenges from brain ache to misery, from elation to passion, for both of us, for all of us.

This relationship IS NOT going to be conventional, IS NOT going to disappear under a quagmire of destructive emotions.

The Fat Lady will be singing to congratulate us as we companionably wander on.

To finish, another fine fellow – really must get my copy of “The Prophet” out sometime soon.

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." Khalil Gibran

What a perfect description of what I am going though because the shell really does need to be shattered before my understanding is at one with everything else within me.

And to really finish this off.........

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship.
Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment,
it will not be created for years or even generations." Khalil Gibran

THIS is why I am know I am taking the right path. The spiritual affinity was created in a moment but those moments keep coming and coming. Companionship is vital, persevering courtship is mundane. I am not into courtship but I sure as hell am into recognising and nurturing a spiritual affinity that knows no boundaries.

There is a dark side too. Can spiritual affinity come again in a moment, with other people?

Yes, it can which is why I am still slightly nervous of the speed in which events have taken place but it needs lots more moments than an initial exchange. And it needs the will and desire of two people. I know that in my situation. Without wisdom and desire, without will and spiritual affinity, without knowledge and understanding it will all disappear. I KNOW that woman no.1 and woman no. 2 will have very different relationships with the man than I have and so will woman no. 3 and woman no. 4,5,6,7,8 and so forth. I stupidly like to think that I am the most important. I want to be, but in some ways I have to lose that thought because if I am ever to achieve what I aspire to, well that Numero Uno will be there, of course, but it won’t need to be reiterated. It will just BE.

And really, really finally – is love the offspring of spiritual affinity or is spiritual affinity the offspring of love? Ultimately my path, my aspiration is the spiritual affinity which outweighs ‘love’ in every possibly significant way.

..............................................

Goodnight Groundhog. Now please fuck off and leave me alone to grow.