I was interested to read Pamela Stephenson's Sexual Healing column in the Guardian this week. A woman had written in to explain that she was having problems with her orgasms. At the age of 49 and two painful births, she has met a new partner and cannot manage an orgasm. Pammy responded to say that her oestrogen and/or testosterone may be low so take some supplements. She also suggested that the childbirth could have severed some nerves. Also on the physiological level, she mentioned that this woman could be concerned about repeating her horrendous birth experiences and is subconciously preventing orgasm or enjoying sex for fear of getting pregnant. Therefore, Pammy's advice - use contraception to prevent pregnancy.
Bit clinical methinks! Will tablets really work? Surely a truly sensational orgasm is reached through the mind as much as penetrating or sensitising the most appropriate sensual spots in the body? And as for women who have had difficult births preventing orgasm because of a fear of pregnancy - well it is a little far fetched. If women stopped having sex because of the horrors of childbirth we would a) have a much smaller population and b) a load of extrememly miserable and frustrated men and women around the place, all gagging for sex and being unable to do a single thing about it.
To be fair to Dr. Stephenson, she also offered some very sensible advice. She suggested that the woman return to self-exploration to find out how her body was working in order to convey this information to her lover.
Personally, I think this would have been my starting point to the response, not buried half way through. By the time the writer of the letter got to the masturbation section, she is half way to the doctors to take a look at severed nerves and to book her hormone tablets, which could negate her willingness to have sex let alone her inability to have an orgasm.
I think I would also have emphasised the fact that women in their forties do experience changes to their body and that wanting to find an answer to the orgasm issue is extremely positive. I would have reiterated to this woman that it is a wonderful thing that she is being so thoughtful in considering her needs and her desires and that this in itself is one hurdle down towards a sexual enlightenment.
Pamela also suggested, in a way, that if all else fails, perhaps this woman should consider using fantasy or erotic material without going into any explanation about what this actually means.
For me, this is a key issue. If you ask people how they interpret "sexual fantasies and erotic materials" you would undoubtedly get a massive range of responses. Are erotic materials dildos or hard core magazines? Are fantasies little imaginations of being with your lover in unusual places or are they the conformed idea of dressing up as nurses or schoolgirls?
I am afraid that because we are loathe to talk about sex, even with our lovers, the sexual fantasy thing can become this horrendous cliched idea of tarty costumes and loud dominant pleas for sex.
This is NOT everyone's idea of a sexual fantasy and some people are even turned off by the thought of this role play activity. Some people are intimidated by the thought of fantasies and playing them out.
So maybe another form of advice should be considered, or at the least, explain what is meant by sexual fantasies.
I'm not knocking fantasies. I have several of my own, and even if I cannot realise them, I enjoy talking about them and telling my lover about even more exciting ways I would like to enjoy our sexuality.
Here, of course, is my particular enjoyment - it is in the talking.
What I would have suggested would have been plenty of communication, not just with the lover but also to connect with your own mind, building up a sexual desire than mere physical approaches cannot do.
For me, there is nothing more arousing than talking about sex with my lover. Obviously, this is a personal thing and what works for me may not work for other people but it completely stimulates my mind to be able to sit in a room with my lover and talk about sexy things - no touching, or at least not of one another, simply discussing a sexual piece of information, and gradually realising that you are becoming so aroused and excited that you need to, at the very least, touch yourself, and that in that masturbation, you are clearly having a very positive and arousing effect on your partner, so that sooner rather than later, you have to come/cum together for a liberating and intensely pleasurable fuck.
I think that some of my very best, most gushing, intense and lengthy orgasms have come about in this way.
I would also advocate another type of build up in writing about sex either on your own or to your lover.
If I cannot be with my lover for any length of time, whether it be a week or even a day or two, if I am feeling particularly horny, and I cannot get to his sizeable cock, then I can be placated at least by words. Phone sex is especially good but if this is not viable, then words are essential.
I think I could go days without sex if I could just have a word or two to remind me of his thoughts, his sexuality, his enjoyment of my sexuality, his enjoyment of his own sexuality. They are so incredibly important to me, and I can feel the firm and determined pressure of my sexual organs hardening in their arousal, responding to these words.
I can miss sex and get by (just about) but I struggle without words.
So my advice to this woman would be to start with a few saucy texts, build them up to be more explicit, get on the phone to her lover and surreptitiously drop into the middle of the conversation about the state of her pussy. Feel around in "self-exploration" and tell your lover what it feels like to have your fingers inside your wet pussy. Get yourself an orgasm; let it out in words, write about it, re-read it, let your lover read it and see what it does for him or her. Ask for a response.
And if it doesn't work first of all, or every time, then fine. Keep going, keep trying to be honest and open about your sexual thoughts and what it is doing to your body.
And when you next see your lover, after you have been aroused in this way, do exactly the same thing. Sit out of touching range and start describing your pussy. Tell your lover about what you do to try and stimulate yourself. Gradually raise your skirt or undo the zip on your trousers so that you can gently finger yourself as you are talking. Work your way around your body to gently, or in my case, rapidly, moisten yourself. Look at your lover as he/she is watching you. Move your eyes across each other's body until the desire is so profound that you have to move towards one another and derobe to get to the essential parts that need some reconnection.
And if all this fails and you are still without orgasm, then I would also say this.
Orgasms are wonderful. They are incomparable to anything else, or are they?
I would forego orgasm to be able to wrap myself around my lover and feel him feeling.
I'm lucky. I don't have to forego orgasm. What I am trying to say is that there is so much more to positive love making than just having a climax. Of course it is wonderful but there are other things about sexual togetherness that are of equal value, and being in touch with one another's minds and souls as you come together to share one another and physically join together in penetration - that is priceless!
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