Well it is that time of year when one thinks about lurve and valentines and sex.
In true British style, we tend to have special days for certain thoughts or actions and then we put it to rest for the entirety of the year. For example, how often do you eat pancakes other than in the middle of February? The shops are full of eggs and lemons and all things nice for the days prior to Shrove Tuesday. Those same ingredients are in the same shops every day of the week, throughout the year, and still we pass them by or buy them for different purposes, not thinking to combine them for a very tasty and enjoyable fodder.
So it is with Valentine’s Day. It is a time for us to declare our love for a partner or a lover or a prospective one at least. And once we have done it, we can shyly retreat into saying nothing at all, ignoring the basic fact that if a relationship is ever going to work, interaction of all sorts is required.
Valentine’s Day is stooooooopid.
Wikipedia says that Valentine’s Day is “an annual commemoration held on February 14th celebrating love and affection between intimate companions”.
If I am honest, I am not sure that I would want to be with anyone who thought that they had to wait to be amorous on a given day in the year. I mean, what ever happened to spontaneity?
Real affection and intimate companionship requires none of this mock-religious western celebration. In fact the very thought of having such a day makes a total mockery of intimacy.
The most wonderful thing that my lover could give me on Valentine’s Day is a mighty big fuck; no different from any other Monday. I like being fucked to pieces on any day but especially so on a Monday! So it is rather befitting for me that Valentine’s Day falls on a Monday this year; as I said, no different from any other Monday.
However, if he wanted to find a jar of chocolate paste for me to play with at the same time, I wouldn’t say no!
Which partly brings me onto my next conversation piece on this subject.
Being a few days before the “V” day, the shops are full of pink and red, with puke-making lurve all around. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not averse to being wooed. I like being told that I am lovely. I love being hugged and kissed with passion, both tenderly and forcefully. But all of this is so damn commercial and bears very little resemblance to real love.
I digress.
Because there are only a few days before the “V” day, not only are the shops full of this sentimental rubbish but so too is the internet.
As I closed down my mail page earlier today, I found myself transported to the following page
http://uk.health.lifestyle.yahoo.net/is-sex-good-for-your-health.htm, all in the name of Saint Valentine.
Aha! We are allowed to discuss sex on this day too because some people think that sex and love are mutually tied and the former should not happen unless the latter is well and truly in place.
Deary me!
So, according to this link, sex is good for you; in seven clear ways.
No! You don’t say! Though I have to say, I could think of more than seven reasons for having sex.
I mean, I am genuinely worried if people only come to such sites and such facts on this commercially driven love-fest day.
So here is a little tongue in cheek (or something else in cheek) response to the masterful seven sexual health tips.
1. Good for the heart
Sex is good for your heart. Like any physical exertion, sex is a form of cardio-exercise, which gets your heart pumping faster and helps it stay in shape. What's more, studies have shown that men who have sex two or more times per week cut their risk of a fatal heart attack by half.
Well, there you go! Does that mean that men who have sex more than four times per week cut their risk of a fatal heart attack by half again? In which case, bring it on baby. My cunt is ready and waiting to do its little bit for a certain person’s life expectancy. Surely this has to be the very best cardio-vascular exercise for man and woman. Surely it is the most natural method of exercise know to the human race. In fact, it makes me want to get up and exercise immediately. My muscles are all rippling up at the very prospect.
2. Helps you lose weight
Like any form of exercise, sex helps you lose weight. Having sex for 30 minutes can burn off 85 calories. To put that in perspective: 15 minutes on the treadmill could burn up to 200 calories; 42 of these half-hour sessions, then, could shave a pound off your weight.
Well there you go again! I have to have sex!
If I manage to get sex on a daily basis, for a really good work out, I could be ten stone again in six months time. I’m more than willing to put this theory to the test. Okay, so you don’t burn up as many calories as getting on the treadmill or the cross trainer but think of your soul! I can cope with over an hour of sex as opposed to fifteen minutes on the exercise machine, and the sex that I have can be more energetic. In fact I am completely convinced that once a few pounds have been shed I am going to be jumping all over the place. It’s so exciting and such an incentive.
Just think, I could spend four hours fucking instead of one hour in the gym. Perfect!
3. Boosts your immune system
While it's possible to contract a wide range of diseases, both from sex and from simple contact with others, safe sex between healthy partners can make you better equipped to fight illness.
Those who have sex once or twice a week have been shown to have higher levels of immunoglobulin A or IgA, an antibody which helps protect you from respiratory diseases like the cold and flu.
Don’t go overboard, though – in studies, those who had sex three or more times a week had the lowest levels of antibodies.
I’ll ignore the last sentence. What utter rubbish!
It is not only the physical act that boosts the immune system. I do believe that there is the mind over matter issue and if you are doing something positive for the soul, it has to have a knock on effect on your physical wellbeing too. And visa versa.
This is just common sense isn’t it?
4. Reduces the risk of prostate cancer
For younger men, sex reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Researchers have found that men in their 20s who had five or more ejaculations per week were one third less likely to develop the cancer in later life. Although they found no such correlation for older men, you could try to prove them wrong.
I’m now even more delighted that my lover was such as sexy beast in his twenties, and his thirties for that matter. I don’t suppose it is something that a twenty eight year old would be concerned about as he jacks off for another wank in the week. However, it yet again reiterates the vitality, importance and necessity for a healthy sex life. Honestly, people really ought to know about this stuff. It should not be contained for the middle of February each year. Those who know this stuff should be shouting at the top of their voices about this. Tell people to have sex. Tell people to have sex regularly and enjoy it NOW!
5. Relieves stress
There's a medical explanation for the mood boost sex gives you. The brain releases endorphins during and after sex, and these neurotransmitters create a feeling of euphoria while masking the negative effects of stress.
Researchers have also found that sex lowers your blood pressure, which is good for your health and allows you to better keep your cool in stressful situations.
Now if people have not heard about endorphins then they should really get on and learn. These clever little neurotransmitters are the essence of life. Their effects resemble the effect of opium. They are the natural highs of life. Why would you turn to the poppy plant if you could get this wonderful, exhilarating, natural boost all of the time? It has to be the very best way to alleviate stress. It works for me, for sure.
6. It relieves pain
Endorphins and lower blood pressure also mean that sex relieves pain. Endorphins are released during sex because of the heightened levels of the hormone oxytocin in your body. This has been known to alleviate arthritic and menstrual pain, among other things. Lower blood pressure can also help relieve migraines.
There is that myth that women feign a headache if they want to avoid sex. There is a myth that one should not have sex, therefore, if you have a headache. On the contrary, it appears in many studies that if you are suffering from a bad migraine, take a penis instead of a paracetamol.
Menstrual pain is another one. Menstruation is a bit of a taboo even between people who are allegedly intimate. This is suggesting that a drop of natural blood should not get in the way of a bit of sex. Rather it should be encouraged if the monthly cramps are ludicrously painful, and yet, we are so reluctant to have sex when we are menstruating because that’s just not the done thing.
Change your mind folks. Do it, talk about it and see it as a healthy activity and a natural part of being a woman and being in a partnership.
Just on another note, all this sex can clearly alleviate pain but also having something wonderful to think about can take your mind well away from any potential psychosomatic or actual physical ailments.
7. It helps you sleep
In addition to relieving stress and pain, the oxytocin generated during sex helps you sleep better. Sex relaxes you, promoting deeper, more restful sleep. What more do you need?
Well duh!!
What this does not mention is the whole issue of Satori.
Sex, the best sex doesn’t just have a soporific effect. It completely transforms you, lifting you into an all too illusive state of wonderment and being utterly at one with yourself. That feeling is beyond explanation. There are no words that can possibly explain this brilliant phenomenon but it is something that all sexually active people should aspire to.
So there we have it. It appears that we would not be wasting our lives if we were spending hours on end in bed, and in fact we would be prolonging it for even more hours in bed.
Can’t be bad.
Only as I said, this is only half a list of the all encompassing healthiness of sex. And this is something that everyone should be aware. Furthermore, do we really need an excuse for sex in the veiled benefits to our health, or should we just for a minute consider the instinctive nature of the glorious beast.
Just fucking do it!
And when you do, talk about it and let the world know that good sex is happening and the shiny face and the healthy mind, body and soul of the speaker is mainly attributed to a healthy sex life.
Oh how I need some exercise!
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