Bi-Polarism and Life

Bi-Polarism and life.

Bi-polarism, according to a range of definitions, is a mood disorder that causes radical emotional changes and mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows.
Mania and depression: both words conjure up unfavourable and quite scary states of being and the juxtaposition between the two must be extremely frightening to the sufferer.
How can manic excitement be frightening, one may ask? Well because the person with bi-polarism who is going through an episode of hypermania knows full well that there is a down turn at any minute, and unlike others who do not suffer from the disease, they cannot put the brakes on in the plateau.

When a non-sufferer has a natural high, such as a sensual coming together with a partner for instance, they recognise the fact that they have had this mind-blowing experience but that it would be unsustainable to constantly be on that high.
Climaxes, orgasms, cumming is more wonderful by the very fact that it is a pinnacle, a peak and a moment of perfect wonderment at one’s sexuality.
We all know that we cannot climax perpetually and even if we think it would be rather brilliant to be in a permanent state of arousal, eventually even the most “manic” of us would get a little fed up of the constant erection of our cocks or cunts.

So we relax after our orgasms. If we are sensible, we allow that sensation to ripple over us and envelop us, even preparing us for the normality of the day ahead. We know that at some point immediately after climax, we have to get out of bed, or drop off to sleep in order to be fresh for the morning in front of us. If we are very fortunate, we might actually have one, two or even multiple orgasms after the initial one but it cannot go on without a break, and we all know that it is going to stop for a short while whilst we get on with other important parts of our lives.
It will plateau.

Those with bi-polar tendencies though, probably arrive at the plateau and forget within an instance the mania of the orgasm. They don’t stop on the level playing field and get on with the day, anticipating more loveliness later in the day or the week. They just race into a decline, rushing beyond the plateau into the depths of the valley beyond, and it is not a good place to be.
They cannot see the peaks from where they are. They cannot ever envisage having that sexual wonderment. They feel doomed to ceaseless abstinence and inertia usurps with defiant arrogance.

Bi-polarism, in itself, can have serious sexual repercussions with the obvious extremes of manic and sometimes inappropriate sexual behaviour and the contrasting behaviour of dysfunction and inability to be aroused.
When you consider the debilitating effects of either of those extremes, of any extreme behaviour, then you can imagine how difficult it is to be suffering from bi-polarism, and hopefully the analogy with sex makes that explicit.

I do not have bi-polarism thankfully. It seems rather bloody scary to me, and I would quite like to steer clear of this challenging and daunting illness. However, it is present and I am now beginning to think that there are bi-polar tendencies in my life.
Please note in making such a statement and what is to follow is not meant to belittle this illness. Far from it; I hope that it is some way demonstrates the disability that such an illness can bring.

You see, my life is bi-polar. It swings from one extreme to the other. I hope that my highs are not manic as such for mania suggests a lack of control in the altitudes and at the other extreme depression is an unpleasant thought. However, I have to admit and contend that bi-polarism is a good analogy for my life.

Here is an example of a bi-polar day for me.

I get out of bed, get dressed, sort the children out and get into the car. I drive for some time and arrive at my lover’s house. I get undressed and back into bed. I have earth shattering, mind-blowing, sex that orbits me into a different world. I hold my lover and he looks into my eyes and tells me the most amazing things, about myself, about our world, about his thoughts, about our lives. We lie together for ages; lying interspersed with penetration, or penetration interspersed with lying if you want a more positive and realistic view of what happens.
We each reach those heights of orgasm that may appear manic, yet are more controlled than that; erratic in the instance of extreme, taking us out of ourselves for a moment but not leaving us in a stupefied state unable to reach back down to reality. (Well, actually, as I write this, I think I do enjoy mania in my sex life and maybe I do have moments where the wonderment does take me uncontrollably to a different plane but I know how and when to come back.)
After orgasms galore, we get up, we do things together for the rest of the day. We might take a walk that somehow prolongs the brilliance of what we have been up to in the morning, and then we steadily make our way to the plateau of day-to-day tasks.

Standing on the plateau, I walk to my car, set off on a journey away from my lover and return to the family home where I cook the meal, talk to my children, sit and read the paper and then do nothing.
For in the coming home, I am entering into the darker side of bi-polarism. Inertia sets in. I am disabled, sitting or lying with a book, unable or indifferent about talking to anyone else in the household.
I have forgotten about the fact that I have spent the morning having the most incredible love-making because I am stuck with shackles anchoring me down to an existence that I do not think is mine, yet I know all too well that it is.
It’s depressing.

Of course, there is a possibility that I am exaggerating to make a point but the point for me is quite explicit.
I make no excuses for the life I lead. I made the choice to have this secret life but the more I think about it, the more I realise that this is not just a secret life. It is a bi-polar existence.
If I wanted to give it a positive spin, perhaps I could just say it is yin and yang; polar opposites but that somehow doesn’t portray the extremes of either end of these spectrums.

Obviously there are some positives in the return to base. My children ground me but they also lead me upwards away from the plateau but they are less dependent on me these days and therefore less influential on my moods and desires. Ten years ago, whatever they felt, whatever they needed was my raison d’etre. Maturity breeds independence. Independence breeds a widening plateau though the peaks of parenthood, as well as the troughs, will always be there.

So let’s just take away the parenting. We know that exists. It is (hate the phrase) a no-brainer in my bi-polarist world. It does not come into the equation, although it clearly does come into the equation because it defines my choices (a sub section of bi-polarism then?).
Let’s return to my plateaus and my mountains, my valleys and my extremes.

The mountain analogy doesn’t really work for me though because I don’t want to walk mountains daily and yet if the mountains offer what I experience in climax and in wandering over to my lover’s house, then I’m happy to breathe in the Alpine air.

As I said right at the beginning, I know that I may not be able to sustain the ‘mania’ of the positives, and it may not even be helpful to try. Perhaps to even think that it is possible creates a downfall. Perhaps if my life was reversed the mountains and valleys may reverse too but I doubt it.

The purpose of this writing is not to say that I dislike the highs and lows or that I want to perpetuate the highs to the extent that by frequency they lose their peak. The point I am making is that my life appears to have taken on some aspects of bi-polarism. I do have extreme highs and I do have extreme lows. I can barely move with the tedium and nothingness that I receive in the evening with no conversation, no interaction, no passion. That is debilitating and pointless.
I can barely contain my excitement with all the opposites that I get when I am with my lover.
Would I be human to not feel excitement and delight at such a different extreme?

And whilst bi-polarism is difficult, with the help of some lithium, it is manageable.
So what is my lithium and am I taking enough?
Will there be a time when the medication is not required, when the balancing is more natural, when I can appreciate the highs for the brilliance they are without falling below the plateau?

Time may tell or it may not.
Life is not something that can be tracked and put in a perfect place. Even when it appears perfection is present, one should always be mindful of the yin that accompanies the yang.
But as I sit in the lower end of my bi-polarism, the illness sometimes seems inescapable. The next few days seem unaccountably long and my natural high (not a bi-polar mania) seems an irredeemably long way off.

Today, I have slightly taken this theme tongue in cheek but there is also quite an uneasy undertone that conveys the truth.
My world, the world that I have chosen, the world that I enjoy and the world that I live in, the world of my lover and the world of my family, they have polar tendencies.
My head aches sometimes because of the inertia. It is no coincidence that they malaise disappears as I cross over to the other side, so to speak.
I have a bi-polarism and I know enough about the subject to be mindful of its problems.
And like any good bi-polar person, I’m just not sure if I want to take the lithium at all for if I do, I might knock out the highs as well as the lows and that is something that I am not prepared to do.

So, after all of that writing, maybe the conclusion should be that I am not indeed suffering from bi-polarism at all but a healthy dose of yin and yang, living favourable dichotemies and contradictions and I should merely glorify the diversity of my existence.

As I said, these are merely thoughts.