Giving and Receiving

The givers keep giving and the recipients continue to receive. And so the world lives contentedly with this sort of reciprocal arrangement.
Or so it should. And if it did the world would probably be a happier place.

The givers give and the recipients receive but we are only talking about two people here with equal measures of provision and receipt, not that there is any counting involved, not that there is any scoring.
Isn’t this what all relationships should have; an equal amount of giving and receiving without being contrived, without trying too hard. Doesn’t the receipt of something make you more eager to give, even if the desire to give was already there?

Yesterday, I had another almost perfect day. If I am honest, I probably received more than I gave but I’m not counting and neither is he. And maybe I gave in different ways that I haven’t yet accounted for, not that we need any accountancy involved, thank you very much.

Once more, though, there is a misinterpretation about giving and receiving where people fall into the trap of looking at it in a materialistic way. I give you a present worth £500 and because of the vastness of the sum that directly equates to the love and affection I hold for you?
It’s rubbish. We know that really and yet we hold onto this as an unnatural measurement of love, forgetting the most priceless gifts of loving kindness and affection that money cannot buy; the look between lovers when they know that nothing and nobody else is important in a single moment, the shared bodily contact that says something a thousand words from the best poet in the world could not, the intimacy of body, mind and soul that would take an eternity of gold and jewels to match. Some things cannot be bought.

So what was the giving yesterday that was so special that it made me want to write? What was it that I received that has kept me restless all night trying to think of the words to say that would give this the credit and appreciation it deserves? How could I explain this without people judging me unfavourably? What had I given in return even though a quid pro quo is not required?

Let’s get the practicalities out of the way. There was some giving in the traditional sense of the word. I gave my lover a book with an accompanying card. I had seen the card in a shop on the weekend and immediately thought about previous conversations we had had about trying to define our partnership, our relationship. It had made me laugh and I wanted to capture that by buying the card and giving it to him.

Our relationship still defies definition.

He gave me something practical by cooking a sensationally tasty meal, something hearty and needed after all the fucking we had been doing all day. It complemented the warmth of the moment perfectly.

And what about the fucking? Surely there is giving and receiving in that?
Indeed there is, and as I said, I probably received more than I gave but that in itself is a ridiculous statement because in the giving we receive too.
Every single time, without exception, that I crawl down the bed to get his sizeable cock in my mouth, I am thinking far more intently about what it is doing for him than the excessive amount of pleasure that I am receiving from this “giving”. The fact that it turns me on beyond belief, the fact that I can feel my insides churning up and becoming erect is not exactly and added extra because that has equal significance but it is his arousal and excitement that is paramount in my mind, or if not paramount then as important as my own arousal.

And whilst he is fucking me to orgasm after orgasm, even if he hasn’t reached a climactic point, he is still receiving in the very fact that I am soaking his balls with my cum. Although an onlooker would suggest that I was getting more than my fair share from the giver, he is also receiving in my sexual climax for in that orgasm he gains the joy of knowing what he does for me and to me, the pleasure of seeing the joy it gives to me and the delight of feeling precisely what I am feeling, even if his arousal comes later.
As he gives, he simultaneously receives with my response to the gift of love making.

We had quite a lot of sex yesterday, for quite a number of hours, and once we had finished, we started all over again, with a very needy desire to thrust my hands down my trousers whilst he continuously searched for his cock to hold as we viewed a juicy DVD together.

Sharing is another important factor of a decent relationship. Sharing porn is just a horny version of that sharing, and although there is clearly an element of sharing in giving and receiving, it is slightly different, for the components of giving and receiving add up to far more than mere sharing. Does that make sense? I think it does because I’m not a great fan of pure mathematics. In my opinion, 2+2 could easily make 5.

He climbed on top of me and thrust himself inside of me, knowing when to push hard, intuiting when to be gentle and hold my gaze and to kiss my lips tenderly as we continued to lie together with him deeply imbedded into my skin. He knew when I wanted a finger fuck, even before I had uttered the words or the request. I knew when to turn over so that he could fuck me from behind as we continued to watch the video.

He didn’t even attempt to get a towel down for my ejaculations that we somewhat copious yesterday. Despite me giving his sheets and duvet a good soaking, he knows that I worry about this and to stop in search for a towel would have broken the moment, and taken my mind from the sheer brilliance of my wet orgasm.
He knew that.

So yes, yesterday there was good sex and considerable giving and receiving within that, for actually, I am not sure that sex can be good if the elements of provision and reciprocation are not healthily balanced.

But in a way, these things are givens. After many years of building up a relationship and enjoying an exciting and stimulating sexual togetherness, I expect this, and please be assured that this does not mean I am complacent about it.
Far from it!
It is the lack of complacency on both parts that keeps the sex and the relationship as vibrant as it is. What I mean by saying this is a given is that I think we have both subconsciously worked this into our subconscious. We both want to give and receive sexually and both get a shared pleasure in the balance of our love making and our fucking.

So what was the giving that kept me awake last night? What was the reciprocation that I could not get out of my head?
The gifts were well received, the dinner was delightfully consumed, the sex was as sensational as ever but the real giving was the giving of one another without the recipient owning or possessing, and therefore without the giver feeling as though they had forsaken a part of themselves.
If people could realise that this is what a healthy relationship is all about, then this world of ours would have greater cohesion for we would all be trying to replicate the essential positives of our greatest relationship with the colleagues, friends and family in our lives. I’m not talking about sexual relationships. I am talking about the knowledge we receive from our most intimate relationships in the effects of balance, of giving, of receiving, of mutual understanding and respect.

Yesterday my lover gave more of himself to me without losing an ounce of himself. I would hope that, on the contrary, by giving something of himself to me, he gained more than he shared.
The generosity of honesty and truthfulness far outweighs any present that could be handed over to me. In talking and being open about his feelings, about his past, about his present, he gives and gives and gives. I like to think that in giving to me, he somehow liberates himself in the knowledge that he can trust another human being as much as he trusts me. This, for me, is unbelievably humbling.

And then there is a final giving that is harder to explain to any reader who may not have an open mind.

Yesterday, he shared with me something from his past. It wasn’t the first time he has shared something from his past. It wasn’t even the first time he had shared something like this but there was something essentially different about it this time, that I felt last time as well, only this time it overwhelmed me sexually, spiritually, mentally.

In the past, my lover has shown me the magazines that he wanks off to. I love the fact that he can turn to a page after we have had sex and explain to me what it was about this or that woman’s pussy that had particularly appealed to him. In giving, he also receives because every single time he does this my cunt jumps into action and demands some fingers to see another cascade through to fruition. He likes finger fucking me and seeing my arousal often instigates and arousal of his own.

Months ago, he showed me some photos that he had taken of previous lovers, some that I had met, and others I had only heard about. They were stunningly beautiful photos, with some stunningly beautiful women. Whilst my natural insecurities were marginally inflamed by seeing the delights of his sexual history in front of me, this was completely overwhelmed and pushed aside by the fact that it was me he trusted to share this with. The fact that he might have shared this with others was irrelevant and still is because what he had with other people is not important to me any longer other than the fact that it pleases me immeasurably to know that he had extremely positive elements of his previous relationships.

Yesterday, I suppose, we went a step further, and watched some home movies, where I could see the photos coming to life, where his lovers undressed and fondled themselves the way I know he likes me to, where they slid their hands into their pussies and pleasured themselves, ready and waiting for his off –camera cock to dive in. Yesterday, I watched him fuck another woman for only the second time in our relationship and as was the case before, there was no feeling of jealously for he was fucking me as we watched and even if he hadn’t been fucking me, I would still have enjoyed the aesthetics of this without even getting to the sexual excitement that I was feeling.

These women were and are beautiful women. Each and every one of his previous lovers that I have met has an essence of beauty about them both in looks and in their person. They are warm and generous people. They should be proud and delighted that they have had this man in their lives and that during that time, they have been captured at the pinnacle of their beauty on camera so that he can look back at these times with the affectionate reminiscence that they deserve.

Now, I can feel some readers retracting in horror. Is it right that this man can share such intimacy with me without the permission of these women?
Well, he can hardly ask them all for that permission, and they knew that he had these photographs and videos of them. They didn’t ask for them back once the relationships were over, and if they had, I am sure my lover would have handed them over.

But quite frankly, they should be pleased. If they loved him as much as I am sure that they did, they would remember the giving and the receiving in making these videos and photographs. If they knew him as they should have done, they would know the ongoing pleasure this would give him, and the joy he could receive from sharing them with another woman that he feels such an intimate connection with.
If they posed in the first place, then they should acknowledge that this might be seen by others. I have posed for photos and I have lain down and had the living daylights fucked out of me, and that has been captured on video. If his next lover happens to get some stimulation out of watching my orgasms then that is my happy gift to impart. In doing the posing, I always knew there was a possibility that it would be shared, and I told him that this was fine. I was happy for him to share it with friends and I am happy for him to rock off to these photos in years to come. If that is deemed as weird, then that has to be. If the reader feels disgust at this then I can make no apology because the actual videos and photographs are not really the issue of importance here.
What is actually significant is the desire to give, the openness and willingness to share, not to gloat or to entice some sort of destructive emotion.

This man wanted me to see these videos partly because he thought they might be a turn on, not because they were videos of his ex-partner but because they were visually and sexually stimulating. But in sharing these videos, he was giving me a little more of himself and his past. In watching the videos, he recalled his loves with the majesty and the less contented parts of their relationship. Without comparison on my part or his, we then discussed our relationship too. In doing that he gave me more and continues to give me more whilst I sit and devour such intimacy and such passion.
In giving he receives an openness in which he finds comfort, trust and honesty.

Just when you feel the relationship has no more room for growth (and that is not meant to sound as negative as it does), another door opens, the strength of the feeling exacerbates, the intimacy broadens, more is given and received. Because the simple fact is that right now, without falseness, without contriving it to be so, our relationship does grow – and one of the reasons that it does, on a daily basis is that we have this ability to give and receive in equal measures, and that it itself, provides an honesty and a level of intimacy that keeps the growth going.

It was ever thus. Even in our earliest moments together, there was the surprise of finding without searching. Neither of us was looking but there we were, together in a room full of people with only two present, giving and receiving without even realising we were doing so.

So yes, that is why I have been up all night, and I don’t suppose I have explained this as well as I might but I hope the reader can reflect on this giving and receiving and see the value and importance of such intimacy.

When my lover lies with me, when he climbs into me, when our two bodies come together, joined at the middle of both, there is far more than a cock and a cunt connected. I really do believe that it is like a recharging of the batteries. Both of us need that connection and both of us receive far more than sexual satisfaction when we come together.

It is my role, I think, as Zenpuss, to explain these sorts of days because they are days that others should have, others should feel. It is my role to explain or to reiterate that in giving oneself to another you do not have to lose yourself in doing so and that the gifts of reciprocation are there if you enable the liberty of honest togetherness.
You see this is the sort of loving kindness that should be part of every intimate relationship; or is it more a loving togetherness?
And perhaps as much as we should try to give loving kindness to all, we should try and gain a loving togetherness with our partner – without trying too hard that it becomes a falsehood.

As Zenpuss, I cannot bring enlightenment through sex alone. I fundamentally believe that we have a deceitful relationship with sex both as a society and all too frequently as individuals. If I can try and make people see the joy of sex as a recreation in itself, as something one can do with yourself as well as with others, then that is good. I am doing my job.
But I also have to show the nature of positive relationships because for me, sex, however lovely it is, can never be the sum of a number of parts without the level of intimacy that I hope I have described here today, in the giving and receiving on one’s hearts, minds and souls.

And to conclude, I hope this small anecdote explains it.
I cannot decide whether to jump for joy or sit in a bereft state of loneliness. I want to be with my lover but I cannot, so I tell him that I am missing him, that I should be with him. He agrees and explains once more that this is what he is feeling too. He says again how special I am. Without needing words, I know what he is saying, though I selfishly reiterate that I love the words too, especially as when they are written down I can return to them when he is not with me.
He says he had given up believing he would find a woman with my qualities; a fucking great huge statement in itself but in the context of what we had been doing all day, talking about and seeing his previous partners as well as meeting one of them, that statement, intentional or otherwise, carries a little more in its giving.

I am blown away by him and I am blown away by the giving and receiving that he is prepared and willing to do which in itself means I am blown away by the intimacy of our companionship. Add to that a sexual intimacy that appears to have no boundaries and you have a pretty healthy relationship and it is one that I would be doing an injustice to if I did not sit and write it down so others can see what is feasible in life with a little giving and receiving that eventually becomes so natural it is hard to differentiate between the two.

Giving is not losing and receiving is not gaining if the sum of both is preserved in the receipt and provision.