Relationships

NB: This blog was started on Friday 21st May and should have been posted yesterday.

Why are relationships so bloody complicated? Or should I rephrase that?
Do relationships have to be so bloody complicated?

Two completely different questions really because the answer to the first is, “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure they are complicated other than in the mind of the individual” or “they are complicated by a multitude of conflicting reasons” or – well, the list of responses is endless as with all questions that start with “why?”.

In response to the second question, the answer should be a resolute no. Of course relationships should not be complicated if there is mutual respect, if there is complete honesty and understanding, if there is compassion and empathy, if there is love and affection, if there is fellowship and interest, if there is passion and pleasure.
But look at that small and incomplete list: respect, honesty, understanding, compassion, empathy, love, affection, fellowship, interest, passion, pleasure. It’s a tall order for one single relationship to embrace all of these attributes all of the time, for eternity, ad infinitum, for ever and ever, happy ever after.
Those who have cracked it and have managed to fully embrace all of this into their relationship should be shouting from the mountaintops, telling the rest of the world that it is achievable, that you can have an uncomplicated relationship that works for you and for your partner.

Of course, there would be conflict in opinion from these mountain shouters. Some would say that harmony and trust comes out of total immersion in one another. Others would say that their survival is dependent on a healthy dose of absenteeism. Others would profess to monogamy, others would embrace polyandrous existences. Just as no two people are the same, then also by default surely no two relationships can be the same. Why can people not understand that?

You do still tend to hear that stupid phrase “he couldn’t change” when someone is explaining the end of a relationship. My response to that is why the hell should he? Or she, if it is the other way round.
Relationships are not bloody competitions but we do sometimes stand on the precipice by playing games, sometimes even unaware that we are doing so. Relationships should not be competitions or mind manipulation games. They should be straight forward and honest. You should not feel that you need to hold back because of the behaviour or response of your partner. Honesty really is the best policy, or is it? I’ll return to this later.

But why do people feel that they have a need to change their man or their woman? Why do they feel that they need to influence their decisions to the point of making them do something that is against their will, against their choice? What long term purpose or positivity could come from such actions? What sort of resentment are you building up in the long term?

Let’s take an example that has been a problem for many women over the years: men and their sport. I could have chosen others like men and their work or men and their motors or men and their porn. There always seems to be something that us women are determined to alter in our men and for those feminists who are about to bounce up and down on me for being politically insensitive, it happens the other way round too. There are men who want to change their women; men who don’t want their women to go out with their girlfriends, men who want their women to be domestic goddesses, men who want their women to be bedroom goddesses.
I think the difference is that women are probably more conscious of what they want to change in a man, and again, I am sure that some people will think that this is a gross over generalisation that is anti-feminist in stance.

There are some women who pop down to their local rugby club because they are particularly turned on by dirty hunks with odd shaped balls. They actually intend to bed one of these blokes. They like their physical prowess and their manly determination. Look at the WAG brigade. Like it or not, there are some women out there whose ambition is to have a relationship with a sportsman.

So they get their man, they enjoy his company, they adore the sex and they even go and watch the game, shouting in freezing conditions from the sidelines, proudly receiving the gratification from the crowd at their partner’s glory.
Time goes on and their bloke is constantly at games and if he’s not playing the game, he is practising for the next one, and if he is doing neither of these things, he is down the pub with his fellow players talking about Johnny Wilkinson’s infamous drop goal that still fills his heart with a passion that no amount of fellatio could muster.
His woman is beginning to feel resentful. She feels as though she is second in importance. She wishes that he would give more time to her. She is beginning to think that a non life-threatening injury might be a good idea to take him away and break the cycle (Not a good idea girls. If you think the obsessiveness is bad when they are playing, quadruple it for an injury).
You get the picture. She wants him to change. She wants him to give up the thing that he loves most in the world in order to love her more.

Now let’s look at that rationally. She thinks that her man is too preoccupied with his passion and that by eradicating that passion, it will free up more passion for her.
The reality is a hundred million miles from this. He feels pressurised to tone down his passion, even give it up altogether. In turn his passion for her diminishes rather than increases and he has nowhere to go now to release his angst so he takes it out on her, either distancing himself from her or getting aggressive.

It’s a no brainer folks. These relationships are not going to work in the long run because the sharing is not there. Also, there has probably been no discussion about this set up; no feelings shared, no compromises considered.

If you fancy a hunk, if you are determined to have a sports obsessed man in your bed, if you are definite that you want a monogamous relationship with this man, then you have to take the baggage too and the simple fact of the matter is that you are probably never going to be Number One in his life so why do you egotistically struggle the attempt to be so? It is not worth it. You could simply accept that you are not and just enjoy the wondrous times that you do have together.

Fact: you should never try and change a person.
You might encourage a change from within but ultimately the change has to be the choice of the person not the choice of someone who is trying to inflict change upon another human being.

Now don’t I sound the smug one! Surely, I would never fall into this trap of game-playing, of trying to change my man?
Been there and done that, just like all women who are finding their feet in the world. We get this vision; this ideal and we are almost desperate to fulfil it, only we are reliant on another soul to do so.
What we all tend to forget is that nobody has the right to another’s soul. The mere thought is quite abhorrent.
The simple fact is that if our man will not comply with this irrational and sometimes unachievable ideal then they are probably not the man for you. End of. Sad but true.

Relationships are hard for one main reason. A partnership of any sort is two people coming together, sharing, caring, considering. But in each of the caring, the sharing and the consideration are a multitude of variants. One person’s idea on what is sharing and caring is going to be either dramatically different or slightly amended from another person’s view. Even those who consider themselves to have the most fortuitous similarities are different human beings, with different backgrounds and different reasons and origins of their thoughts and feelings and ideals.

Relationships can work but it is here where a total honesty is required. Without this, there is no hope whatsoever of maintaining a workable existence with one another.
If you are concerned that your partner has lost interest in you, perhaps you ought to tell him. If you think your partner is indifferent, then maybe it is a discussion that needs to take place.
Of course it isn’t quite as easy as that. There may be other considerations that mean you do not want to rock the boat. If that is the case, then you should take the repercussions of your inaction and just accept things as they are.

The point I am trying to make is that it is fundamentally immoral to try and change a person and that if you feel there is something standing in the way of your compatibility then you should simply explain this to your partner, decide whether it is something that can be compromised and if it isn’t then for your longer term equilibrium it is probably time to walk away.

And so I return to the honesty thing. Is it always best to be honest? The real answer to this in a fully operational and contented relationship is yes.
If the relationship is secure, if the people within the relationship are assured and confident of the longevity of the relationship and the stability of the companionship, then it should be able to withstand complete honesty.

One of the tricky things about relationships is that as you get to know someone more intensely, you are often aware of tiny changes in their behaviour that the other person neither knows they are showing nor are they even subconsciously thinking. A passing kiss on the cheek instead of a bear hug, a silence that for a split second is awkward rather than peaceful, a lack of a single word when one was needed, a touch of empathy that appeared more contrived than you felt it should; all of these could be signs or they could be nothing of the sort. If you don’t have those conversations, if you are not honest about your thoughts on such matters then you are slip sliding into the games territory that is not a pleasant place to be.
However, difficult the response may be, honesty has to be the way forward.

If however, you have something to hide (not that you are ashamed of) then probably honesty is not such a good idea. For someone who is living a dual existence, there are different responses to different situations but ultimately it honesty that leads to a freedom and I would argue an enlightenment that so few are prepared to embrace.

Relationships need work. Why are they so complicated? Because it is two people coming together with a range of tangled feelings and emotions, a web of thoughts and ideas. If one imagines that a single person is complex and forever changing then a relationship between two of these people is doubly complex and more likely to change in a diversity of different directions. Honesty has to be an integral part of a positive and enduring relationship.

Do relationships need to be complicated? No they don’t. If there is that sort of honesty in a relationship then it does not need to be complicated at all. If there are complications from the honesty, then they can be worked out. If they cannot be worked out, then the relationship may have to change or be severed completely.

I am a most fortunate woman. I feel that I have a pretty honest relationship with someone but I accept that even then, there may be some subconscious holding back that is not dishonest but is not completely honest either. In many ways, this is exactly as it should be. Immersing ourselves into one another completely would not be good, and I am talking generally here rather than my own particular case. Everyone should retain themselves in whatever they do.

Recently, I said to my lover that as a woman who was looking for herself emotionally, intellectually, sexually, spiritually, I was very grateful that he was accompanying me on my path. He agreed and said he was glad that I was on his path too. That sort of honesty and understanding of what one another was trying to say about the importance of the relationship was greater than any outpourings of the ‘L’ word.

Why was this so? Surely there is nothing as significant as saying “I love you” to the one person that you really do love in its excruciating complexity?
But the reason why this statement was so important was that it was an honest recognition that whilst we accompanied one another from time to time on our chosen and desired paths, we acknowledged the fact that ultimately, we were on different paths. Sometimes, those paths would mesh together. Sometimes, they would divert onto other courses. Looking back in history, the paths crossed without us even realising. Sometimes our paths are divided and however much we want them to conjoin once more, they cannot intertwine.
It is about the respect of another human being. It is respecting their right to be individual whilst embracing their right to be part of a positive honest and loving relationship.
In this way, relationships do not have to be complex. In this way, relationships can be extremely harmonious. In this way, relationships can be honest.

Don’t try and change your partner. Don’t try too much in a relationship that has overridden its sell-by date. Don’t hurt yourself in doing so.
Respect yourself and your partners as individual beings. Respect the strength of the relationship when things aren’t quite as good as they could be.
Understand that relationships don’t have to be complex but they are and in that complexity there is a huge amount of wonderment and beauty and be grateful for what you have and what you give.