I was very excited and delighted to receive an email from a former colleague who is doing a thesis into the subject of female masturbation. At last! I finally have some inkling of the prospect that there are people out there who are interested in this subject, and are prepared to talk about it.
Having been away from work for a few weeks, I returned to the usual four hundred or so emails. Ruthlessly, to save my sanity, I trawled through these deleting as many as feasible, though most required either a response or action. And then I discovered the one from my colleague. This was surely something that Zenpuss could not ignore but there were problems. My colleague was contacting me about trying to locate a group of young women between the ages of 16 and 35. Split chronologically at 24, she wanted to interview the two groups of women about their own experience of masturbation, of use of sex toys and fingers, about how they felt about this in relation to their sexuality and about masturbation in relation to penetrative sex. She is also interested in looking at the possibility of promoting female masturbation as a means of delaying penetrative sex. These are all subjects that I have a mass of opinions on if not experience but alas, I was too old for the focus groups. This in itself is an issue. I suppose from the perspective of a woman in her late twenties, the idea of a forty two year old still being interested in sex of any sort let alone DIY is probably not something that they want to be confronted with. However, with my experience in the field of teaching sex and relationships education, she was keen to interview me nonetheless.
We started the interview by her giving me a piece of writing. She said that it wasn’t as explicit as some of the pieces that she had seen but she would read the first part of the article and wanted me to read the second paragraph. She started to read and I continued. Essentially, the piece was about an acceptance that female masturbation was perfectly acceptable, that it was still sex even if it wasn’t penetrative and could still provide a very natural and wonderful experience for women should they decide to have a go. The reason for doing the reading was to ascertain whether I was comfortable with the subject before we entered into a series of questions.
We then went on to discuss quality sex and relationships education and whether it was remotely feasible to introduce this subject within existing lessons in our schools. I can just see a particular head teacher of a local girls school if I suggested this to her! Not a good idea. We also looked at some of the issues relating to why it is important to discuss female masturbation with young people today. And of course, once I started the discussion, I could not shut up. As I spoke, I became more enamoured at the prospect of being able to liberate these young women of the future so that they do not grow up with the misogynistic view that female masturbation is not what good girls should be doing.
This made me think in slightly greater detail. Some of what I am writing now is more or less an account of what I said to my colleague with other additions that I have thought of since.
So let us start with the main subject. What is female masturbation? An obvious answer, some might think, but it is not quite so clear. Of course, masturbating is about arousing yourself sexually until you orgasm or until you are nearly at a climax but there are various ways of doing this. Essentially, there are hundreds of women, myself amongst them at one point, who frequently masturbated without even touching the key parts of their body, and certainly never considering actually fingering themselves. I, like many others, could masturbate by pressing something hard between my legs, fully dressed sometimes, and pushing down on the clitoris to create an orgasm. And I am sure that there are many women who do this and are perfectly contented with this way of stimulating themselves. A man cannot really bring himself to climax, I don’t think, without actually taking their cock in hand. Please do tell me if this is not the case. So there is the possibility that women can pleasure themselves without seeing or touching or fingering their clit or cunt. It is the same with sex toys. They can be used on the outside of the body to get a climax without any need of ‘going in’. But I would argue that you can get so much more out of masturbating if you actually know and understand your body. I would argue that to get a long lasting, ongoing orgasm, you need to know exactly how your body reacts to these climaxes and the stimulation of touch, and surely this helps in knowing what you want from penetrative sex.
The more I think about it, the more I get exasperated by the idea that young women over the ages have simply assumed that they play a role in the sexual delights of a man rather than expressly wanting and accepting themselves as sexual beings. If you ask people what sex is, they automatically describe penetrative sex. Sadly, many people only know this sex and have only ever experienced a short foreplay followed by a few hard thrusts and then the bloke cums – all satisfied whilst the poor woman is only just getting going. This happens. This is some people’s experience of sex and so is it any wonder that they are not particularly interested in it?
If a woman assumes that they are there to spread their legs, lie on their back and take a missionary position for the entirety of their lives, then they are hardly likely to want more. It takes a sexually enlightened partner to want and expect more. It takes two people to work out there are far more ways of expressing their sexuality to themselves and each other but equally, it takes a woman to know, want and expect more and if they have no idea what good sex is and what a truly satisfying orgasm is, then how can they even know what to ask for?
The answer is that women have to be encouraged to recognise and familiarise themselves with their own bodies. And those of us who have experienced wonderful self-induced orgasms MUST come out and tell those who haven’t precisely what they are missing. And we must also be honest about other things.
The first time a woman touches themselves, especially if they have spent years avoiding the possibility, then it is daunting and frightening. It is weird to suddenly realise that you have layer upon layer of juicy, moist skin with malleable bits that squish around and change according to how and when they are touched. But the more you actually finger yourself, the more likely you are to be able to tell your sexual partner what you want and where you want it. If a woman can only get an orgasm through masturbation, then surely, they can show a partner how they get themselves off and therefore make the whole act of love making more exciting for both involved.
I can remember many times over the years when I have explored the inside of my pussy, and quite frankly been a little horrified at what I found there but when I then realised and was told how wonderful and exciting and variable my own pussy was, I could begin to appreciate its fascination. By reaching inside and touching myself, pressing on hard bits, moving and stroking the inner and outer labia, I could recognise why I enjoyed other people doing that to me, and if they could get me off by touching me there, then so could I, and as I learned more about what made me tick, what excited me, then I could expect and direct if required.
The other issue that we need to elaborate and explain is about the female orgasm. Women simply do not know, especially if they do not ever reach down and feel what is happening inside them, that they are the ones who are creating the moisture as well. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am sure that there are some women who think that the lubricant in their body or remnants of it after sex have come solely from the man. The thought that you could experience a serious amount of gushing juices either through penetrative sex or by masturbating are simply not widely known or even accepted as anything other than a myth. I want to tell people that there is an amazing satisfaction about being comfortable enough to let yourself go and feel this literal gush of juices emanate, and that it is the most natural thing in the world. It is your body saying, “yes”. It is your body reminding yourself that you are sexual, you are excited and it is physically making an impact on your body and if you are lucky enough on your whole well-being.
In order to really tackle female masturbation, therefore, we need to overcome the key issue of female sexuality. You cannot even begin to consider discussing this without considering the wider notion of women being able to enjoy and be actively choosing the sexual activity that they want. Sexual feminism – a woman’s entitlement to good and fulfilling sex. And this is the real crux of the matter. Of course, any worthy man would relish in his sexual partner being aware of their own sexual needs and would delight in the fact they want as much from penetrative sex as they do but in truth, these men are few and far between. In essence, women need to be assertive about their sexuality and they need to know that there are other women who are doing precisely that.
I cannot bear to think of another generation of sexually frustrated women who don’t even know that they are sexually frustrated because they have never been given an opportunity to explore their own sexuality, and a key way of exploring their own sexuality is by wanking.
Women must be told that sex is brilliant and the most overwhelming delight that you can experience. Women must be told that they have a choice in this matter. If they have experienced orgasm through masturbation, then they should know that they can and should achieve this blisslike state with their sexual partners too.
And getting back to the interview, this is a really important issue. I am often confronted with this notion of how we are teaching sexuality to our young people. We are, quite frankly, terrified that by mentioning the dreaded ‘S’ word, we are going to encourage them to go out and fuck like bunnies immediately. But I would argue that if we are not providing the right information, especially if this conflicts with the sexually explicit world around them, then they are going to be more inquisitive and therefore more likely to indulge in experimental sex. By raising their expectations, particularly young women, by making them aware of the totality of wonderment that sex can offer, then we can be encouraging young women to not settle for mediocre. We should be making it explicit how good sex is and that they should not accept anything other than the best, than something that fulfils them to the core of their being. And one of the ways of knowing what potentially they could achieve through sex with another person is identifying for themselves what they feel like and what an orgasm feels like. I know that some people would argue that once they have achieved an orgasm by wanking, then that too could encourage them to want the same experience with a sexual partner, and of course, this is true too. Which is why it is so important to ensure that we are talking to young people about their emotional needs and the fact that these are so closely tied with their sexuality and their expectations. What I am pretty confident about is that we can no longer pretend that a) sex is not happening and not important and b) that sex is a negative experience. Like with so many aspects of teaching, we cannot preach because it simply doesn’t work. It has no meaning. We should be engaging young people in dialogue. We should be exploring different ways of expressing feelings. We should be looking at how we can be sexual in so many pleasurable ways than just penetrative sex.
I do not profess to have the answers at all but I do think that accepting sex positively has to be the way forward, and part of this is to reflect on the fact that sexuality is as natural for a woman as it is for a man.
In truth, we really do have to overcome the issue that it is natural for a young boy/man to touch himself and it is unacceptable for a young/girl women to explore their own bodies on the mere biological factor that a woman’s parts are not as obviously accessible.
I want to make it very clear that I do not want a new generation of over-sexualised young people who are sexually active at an ever earlier age. I absolutely do not want this. I just want young women and young men to have high aspirations about their first and subsequent sexual experiences both on their own and with other people, and I think we really need to consider the best way forward on this, and being sexually positive, for me, is the manner in which we should approach sexuality.
And finally, on a personal note, I am delighted about my own increasing comfort with my sexuality. It is a total joy to know that I can think about sex and then do something about it even if I am not able to have penetrative sex when I want it. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can do to myself sexually that is in any way comparable to the ecstasy of having sex with a man that I care about, who excites me sexually; completely and overwhelmingly. There is nothing as beautiful as sex with someone who doesn’t just fuck you but looks deep into your eyes and relishes every moment, every movement, who is concerned about stimulating and penetrating your mind and your soul as well as your body. And that enlightened view of sex is something that I think everyone should be aspiring to. Accepting anything less than satisfying is a no brainer.
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