It has been a week of awakenings. My horoscope in the middle of the week suggested that there was a change of sorts. It mentioned new beginnings, solid emotional bases and ridding myself of negative feelings. It talked of setting out and working on something I'd set my heart on.
All this sounds really positive and hopeful and quite accurate in a kind of awakening week.
Having said that, I think I have had many awakening weeks over the last few years where I have felt and understood a shift in my thoughts, my attitudes and behavior. I have had weeks when I have done different, new, exciting things and this week was no exception.
Isn't it bizarre how you get an idea into your head and you simply can't rid yourself of it? My relationship with my lover is thankfully one that changes and evolves with every moment. Of course there is constancy in so far that there is a deep friendship, a mutual respect and understanding, and shared interest and opinion but there are also subtle changes that happen from time to time.
It's usually not something huge that can be readily grasped and identified by both; sometimes it is, but I was thinking more about the small moment changes that occur, the ones that just happen in the glance of an eye or an intimate conversation. I'll explain this in more detail later.
Now, back to my idea that wouldn't go away.
There have been times when there have been significant shifts in our relationship, like kissing with passion for the first time, the touches that reach further towards intimacy with increased loss of inhibitions, the first occasion of penetrative sex, the moments when feelings are vocalized. All of these are, were and continue to be seminal moments.
I took it into my head some time ago that I wanted to wake up with my lover. Now it wasn't a burning ambition that needed to be adhered to as some type of challenge or goal, that you could tick off as a target met! It wasn't something that was the be all and end all or some ultimate climax, if you excuse the pun. It was just something that I wanted to do. I just wanted to be wrapped in him all night, to wake occasionally and look over at the outline of his familiar body lying there in the darkness. I just wanted to be held, to feel his breathe on my back and to open my eyes and other parts of my body to him first thing in the morning.
I know that what I am about to say may appear a little disconcerting. Maybe put it down to a darker side if that is helpful, however, for me there is no darkness there.
I suppose I wanted to wake up with my lover because in some ways it normalized our relationship. It is what lovers do. If two people care about one another, if they enjoy each others company, if they passionately enjoy one another's bodies, if they adore making love to one another, then usually they spend a night or two together. Unless of course, one of the lovers is in a marriage or committed relationship that does not allow or enable this to happen. And, of course, that is precisely our situation. We can't spend nights together. We can't envelop one another with our warm and needy bodies, we can't do the things that people who are fond of and intimate with one another normally do.
I suppose this could be interpreted as a dark side; that sometimes there is a part of me that yearns for that freedom, that wishes for the normality of two people in a caring relationship spending nights together. But I also know that we can't have that, and may even choose not to have that even if it were available, and I am not talking exclusivity here.
I accept that our relationship isn't normal. I celebrate its unique qualities. I embrace its lack of conformity. I adore its passion. And sometimes I wish but never hope that it just had some convention, some "normality" for want of a much needed better expression.
So apart from a desire for rampant, horny sex all night, apart from the joy and bliss of intertwined bodies, apart from the delights of the physical presence, that maybe the reason that I wanted to spend the night with my lover..
And as I write this I am slightly concerned, especially in the light of conversations about relationships yesterday, that it may be misconstrued. No shackles intended!
I'm also mindful of that line in "Four Weddings" when Andi McDowell turns to Hugh Grant having spent one night with him and matter of factly asks him when he is going to announce their engagement. Surely, she said, having spent the night together they were now in a betrothed state?
Don't worry Hun! She was only joking!
And whilst we're on the movie theme, thinking of other film based lovers like Bogey and Bergman, "We'll always have Bognor Regis" has less of a ring about it than "We'll always have Paris"! - a new target?!
But for me, for many reasons, this week and the night that we joyously spent together was a seminal moment. It was one of those moments of subtle, discrete change and I loved every moment of it, apart from that instance of concern around eleven o'clock when my lover had gone into a deep slumber for an hour and I was beginning to think my nine o'clock shag had finished him off for the night!
Luckily, I was wrong. I should never have doubted for an instance his ability to drift in and out of sleep as well as horniness! He goes on about my insatiable appetite and intense libido but may be he recognises this so readily because it mirrors his own. To fall asleep with his palms firmly wrapped over my tit was a joy. To listen to his gentle snores was warming. To feel his cock rising at the presence of my touch was heavenly. To fuck frequently throughout the night without the residue of over tiredness the following day was ecstatic. To cum and cum again and again at the mere sight or even thought of his touches or penetration was wonderment personified. And these are the reasons why I want to share nights with my lover. These moments of the present are what I want.
This week of awakenings was not just about this. I had more awakenings about my future career, more confirmations about my ambitions, more insight into my relationship with this man and other significant people in my life, more affirmation than any woman deserves.
It has been a good week. And there is still so much to appreciate, to anticipate, to await in the future.
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